long distance break up

[Whatsagirltodo1]

my long distance boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. we talked again this past weekend and i want to know if we still have a chance. i live in the us and he lives in europe. we met 5 years ago traveling and reunited/started dating last year. i traveled to europe and met his family this past december. the 2 of us spent almost every second together for the entire month after not seeing each other for almost a year.

 

i think those extreme circumstances partly led to the breakup. i think he also realized how much work would be involved in the future if i were to move there (he is not able to move due to his job and english is not the primary language spoken there). he told me he wanted to break up because he didn't love me. i'm confused because i just traveled halfway around the world to meet his family and he sat me down to plan our next year just a few days before i left.

 

i have put 100% into this relationship - this past year, i took basic language classes on top of a full-time work and school schedule. after the fact, i told him he should consider our extreme circumstances and the fact that i was trying to adjust to a new culture during my time in his country. when we had our break up talk, he had mentioned it was fun when we reunited last year but things changed. i explained that we were carefree then because we were on vacation and traveling. i admitted that i did act more formal this time because i was meeting his family for the first time and i wanted them to like me (his parents are very traditional).

 

i also told him i loved very him and i told him, that for a long time now, i had been willing to move there. he says i should try to stop loving him and he wants us to talk again in a couple months.

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

This likely had very little to do with your visit there in December. He'd probably been having doubts for a while but wanted to see if he could re-ignite those feelings, but it just didn't happen for him. I am certain this is not a reflection on you, but rather difficult circumstances and dwindling interest in general. How much time had you actually spent together, in person?

 

In any event, he told you he's not interested in continuing the relationship. Your willingness to move to his country (by the way, had you carefully researched what it takes to get residency, proper permits for work, a job, etc? Speaking from experience, moving abroad is very difficult) or how much you care about him isn't going to make a difference here, it seems. It's sad and hurtful but he just doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him. He actually told you that he doesn't want to communicate right now - not the sign of someone willing to work at it. There's also a possibility that he's met or would like to meet someone local. You need to start letting him go. Don't give your heart or future to someone who isn't going to do the same in return. Get busy with your friends and hobbies; invest time in yourself now.

[Whatsagirltodo1]

thank you expat. i knew getting the paperwork would be difficult - i attended university abroad in the EU some years ago on a student visa. on a walk during our vacation he asked me whether i could see myself working somewhere else. he started to realize then that if i was unwilling to move that there was no future. i don't even remember saying no but that's what he said. i believe this was a misunderstanding/ spoken out of context. i told him after the fact that was a misunderstanding because i had actually sought the advice of our mutual friend re: making a permanent move (she moved NZ to UK). i had also sent out to get job/grad school applications. i realize i won't be able to do the same professional job i have now so i was preparing for all possibilities including having to start over. i'm not sure if i was reading him wrong, but i thought i sensed an "oh" moment from him at this point. i mentioned i only didn't bring these things up before because i didn't want the conversation about moving to come up prematurely and for it to stress him out. he also seemed to have this reaction when i told him to consider that there a lot of things that he grew up with that i was adjusting to for the first time. i think he only realized those things were a culture shock for me when i brought this up after the fact.

 

when he was seeing me off at the airport, he wanted to walk around several more times even though i had mentioned having to get through security to find my gate. boarding was in an hour. i thought this meant he was missing me. however, during our breakup talk, he mentioned he was happy to see me leave and that he realized that was a "wrong feeling" so he started to think and later summed that up to not loving me. i was shocked when he told me this because his actions at the airport spoke different and we had also been intimate just prior to leaving for the airport (although i know this does not necessarily equate to someone loving me). he had spoken to a friend also a few days before having the breakup talk. he reported the friend said "it sounds like you've made your decision". but he reports that he made the decision independently. he also confirmed this had nothing to do with another girl when i asked him. his family and friends are having split feelings - some believe "it is what it is" and others believe it's a pity.

 

he mentioned briefly in passing also that he realized during my trip that as the native speaker, it was difficult always being the translator. this last talk we had, he said it was "uncomfortable" the last 1/2 of my trip and that he initially wondered if he made a mistake to break-up but in the end, he feels free.

 

during our breakup talk, he said maybe it was a mistake the entire time. he had fun when we saw each other last year and he thought it might be nice "to have an american girlfriend" so he gave it a shot. he wanted to be honest that he liked me but didn't love me. he didn't want to be in a relationship just because it was good for his ego.

 

i am confused because he had me take all that time to meet his family and friends and then there was the airport behavior, etc. he then breaks up me almost immediately after my return home. he said he was glad i visited his home country and that when he had known i would be visiting, he thought he would just continue to "see how things went".

 

i guess i am hoping he was only feeling he needed space/alone time because we went from not having seen each other for almost a year (saw each other a couple days in early summer), to seeing each other every second. i had also told him i was adjusting to a whole new culture and that maybe i also needed another chance for that reason.

Edited January 28, 2014 by Whatsagirltodo1

[Itspointless]

Hi, I am sorry to read your story. To be honest it doesn't sound very promising. Just wondering, in what kind of way are his parents traditional?

[ExpatInItaly]

thank you expat. i knew getting the paperwork would be difficult - i attended university abroad in the EU some years ago on a student visa. on a walk during our vacation he asked me whether i could see myself working somewhere else. he started to realize then that if i was unwilling to move that there was no future. i don't even remember saying no but that's what he said. i believe this was a misunderstanding/ spoken out of context. i told him after the fact that was a misunderstanding because i had actually sought the advice of our mutual friend re: making a permanent move (she moved NZ to UK). i had also sent out to get job/grad school applications. i realize i won't be able to do the same professional job i have now so i was preparing for all possibilities including having to start over. i'm not sure if i was reading him wrong, but i thought i sensed an "oh" moment from him at this point. i mentioned i only didn't bring these things up before because i didn't want the conversation about moving to come up prematurely and for it to stress him out. he also seemed to have this reaction when i told him to consider that there a lot of things that he grew up with that i was adjusting to for the first time. i think he only realized those things were a culture shock for me when i brought this up after the fact.

 

when he was seeing me off at the airport, he wanted to walk around several more times even though i had mentioned having to get through security to find my gate. boarding was in an hour. i thought this meant he was missing me. however, during our breakup talk, he mentioned he was happy to see me leave and that he realized that was a "wrong feeling" so he started to think and later summed that up to not loving me. i was shocked when he told me this because his actions at the airport spoke different and we had also been intimate just prior to leaving for the airport (although i know this does not necessarily equate to someone loving me). he had spoken to a friend also a few days before having the breakup talk. he reported the friend said "it sounds like you've made your decision". but he reports that he made the decision independently. he also confirmed this had nothing to do with another girl when i asked him. his family and friends are having split feelings - some believe "it is what it is" and others believe it's a pity.

 

he mentioned briefly in passing also that he realized during my trip that as the native speaker, it was difficult always being the translator. this last talk we had, he said it was "uncomfortable" the last 1/2 of my trip and that he initially wondered if he made a mistake to break-up but in the end, he feels free.

 

during our breakup talk, he said maybe it was a mistake the entire time. he had fun when we saw each other last year and he thought it might be nice "to have an american girlfriend" so he gave it a shot. he wanted to be honest that he liked me but didn't love me. he didn't want to be in a relationship just because it was good for his ego.

 

i am confused because he had me take all that time to meet his family and friends and then there was the airport behavior, etc. he then breaks up me almost immediately after my return home. he said he was glad i visited his home country and that when he had known i would be visiting, he thought he would just continue to "see how things went".

 

i guess i am hoping he was only feeling he needed space/alone time because we went from not having seen each other for almost a year (saw each other a couple days in early summer), to seeing each other every second. i had also told him i was adjusting to a whole new culture and that maybe i also needed another chance for that reason.

 

Re-read the bolded parts. Sadly, his message couldn't be clearer. I also agree that it's very hurtful of him to introduce you to his family and friends when he obviously wasn't thinking long-term. You need to take a step back for a while. In his eyes, it wasn't working and he didn't share your feelings.

 

Perhaps he did suffer some anxiety at being together every second. But the way he dealt with it doesn't bode well for a future together, anyway. He apparently doesn't know how to communicate his feelings - he let you come all that way, get to his family and friends and then changed his tune. Not good.

[Whatsagirltodo1]

thank you expat. i'm really glad i reached out. i needed to hear all of this that you had to say. sad but all true.

[Whatsagirltodo1]

not sure it makes any difference what kind of traditional... but they are 2 retired, catholic, school teachers. his parents did not find out until after the fact. he reports his dad understands that the distance is hard and not sure how his mom reacted but she speaks better than average english and we got along well during my trip. they are both very nice people.

[Itspointless]

not sure it makes any difference what kind of traditional... but they are 2 retired, catholic, school teachers. his parents did not find out until after the fact. he reports his dad understands that the distance is hard and not sure how his mom reacted but she speaks better than average english and we got along well during my trip. they are both very nice people.

I could have imagined some situations where it could have been a factor. I am sorry you have to go through this. A greet from Europe.

[justwhoiam]

my long distance boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago. we talked again this past weekend and i want to know if we still have a chance.

You contacted him after a couple of weeks? Or did he?

He told you he doesn't love you and he's not in love with you. If he told you the opposite in the past, he's either fickle or simply something changed. He told you to leave him alone. Do you want to be a PITA?