Depression, Sex and Insults

[just bird]

Just to ensure I have this correct:

 

You meet a man.

The man says he's okay with your depression as long as you are okay having lots of sex. You initially agree to this.

You're having too much sex and begin to deny him.

Then the problems start.

With less and less sex the problems become more frequent.

The man reminds you about your initial agreement to sex and that if you don't start to put out, he's going to stray.

 

Accurate?

 

Erm, BradJacobs, no not accurate.

 

There was never an agreement that we would have lots of sex, and there was not a deal made regarding acceptance of sex and acceptance of my depression.

 

He believes he told me that he liked sex, and that I agreed that I liked it too. There may have been comments in the early days regarding sex. I do like sex, that is not a lie. At the beginning it was every day, and normally twice a night. That was just a bit too much for me to sustain in the long run! So, in the end I had to choose sleep a few nights a week. Depression absolutely zaps your energy levels.

 

The problems did not start because of the reduction in sex. I remember him being horrid to me in those early days, just once, long before we moved in together. I must've written it off as just a random outburst. But he apologised, and I justified it as everyone can be a bit grumpy sometimes. We were still having regular sex back then.

 

When we moved in together he was very stressed. I felt like I was walking round on egg shells as we were moving our things into the house. I ended up having to get rid of loads of my stuff, as he couldn't believe how many boxes I had. At the time, I knew he was right, I had too much stuff. We were still having regular sex.

 

In the past we've had sex in the morning, and then he's been pretty mean to me in the evening.

 

There does not seem to be a direct correlation between his sexual needs being met/not met and his ability to be nice/not nice. Although he has tried to blame his angry episodes on being sexually frustrated. I am not convinced of this.

 

I have, however, made a correlation between my feelings and sex. Being that he has had two major angry outbursts at me, where I thought we had split up and i was even searching for somewhere else to live. And regular other outbursts that belittled and demeaned me for something or another, and then other days where he just treats me like I am a child. In between this he can be incredibly lovely, so it all becomes a bit of a head-twist.

 

As these smaller episodes of anger have been happening on a regular basis, every few days or so, for the last couple of months, I haven't felt much like rewarding his behaviour of me with sex!! And I certainly haven't wanted to be close to him intimately, when I felt emotionally knocked about by him.

 

The problem cannot be simplified to such an extent that you have to remove important elements like events, frequency of events, time periods, emotions etc. Quiet Storm has summarised the situation best so far.

 

Hope this clarifies better.

Edited February 3, 2014 by just bird

[Els]

So, what do you plan to do, OP?

 

Does he acknowledge that this is a problem? Is he willing to work on it?

[just bird]

Elswyth, he does recognise to a certain extent that his angry outbursts are a problem. I don't think he quite grasps how awful they are for me to deal with however. It's the same with the not having sex issue, I have tried to explain why I struggle with being intimate when I don't feel emotionally safe. Again, he often dismisses what I say, then tells me in no uncertain terms why he thinks I don't want sex.

 

I know men and women aren't very good at communication sometimes. One says one thing and the other hears another. I always try to say things in a way a man would understand, but it's tough!

 

I need to have a chat with him again, especially with some of the comments from here in mind. There may only be one inevitable end, but I need to get to get to that end following the best road for me. He obviously has some anger/insecurity issues, and knowing his past I can see why. I need to pick a time/place to talk to him when I think he won't get angry and will actually listen to me. Obviously, I need to ensure he is also able to talk and be listened to.

 

Life is tough sometimes.

[Els]

Elswyth, he does recognise to a certain extent that his angry outbursts are a problem. I don't think he quite grasps how awful they are for me to deal with however. It's the same with the not having sex issue, I have tried to explain why I struggle with being intimate when I don't feel emotionally safe. Again, he often dismisses what I say, then tells me in no uncertain terms why he thinks I don't want sex.

 

I know men and women aren't very good at communication sometimes. One says one thing and the other hears another. I always try to say things in a way a man would understand, but it's tough!

 

Hun, yes, men and women do have communication problems sometimes, but in most compatible/healthy Rs, they don't exist to this magnitude! Trust me on this.

 

It's really worrying that he is pressuring you for intimacy when you don't feel emotionally secure in the R, and that he is dismissing what you say.

 

I need to have a chat with him again, especially with some of the comments from here in mind. There may only be one inevitable end, but I need to get to get to that end following the best road for me. He obviously has some anger/insecurity issues, and knowing his past I can see why. I need to pick a time/place to talk to him when I think he won't get angry and will actually listen to me. Obviously, I need to ensure he is also able to talk and be listened to.

 

Life is tough sometimes.

 

Good luck.

[Eau Claire]

I'm not excusing away bad behaviour but in your initial post your mention this fellow getting upset a few times over the course if a year. We're these examples of day to day behaviour on his part? Every male gets upset...hard to tell if what you are describing is abusive passive-aggressive behaviour or a fellow losing his patience a few times.

 

You have a mental illness. Depression. If on meds you have to be seeing a doctor. Get a referral to a therapist for a one on one discussion. Run everything by her.

 

Anyways...you don't need to endure abuse. However, you do need to cope with life. People get frustrated and upset when they deal with a co worker, partner, friend, etc. who has a mental illness.

Edited February 3, 2014 by Eau Claire

[GemmaUK]

If on meds you have to be seeing a doctor. Get a referral to a therapist for a one on one discussion. Run everything by her.

 

Referrals such as that can take months in the UK.

 

JB do you have family or friends of your own that you can confide in?

 

Honestly from the updates I think he is likely to use anything as an excuse for his behaviour and this is clearly a much more regular issue.

 

You really need some support behind you but I think you know yourself that the longer you stay with this man the worse it will get.

 

I think I would forget about thinking of having another chat with him. It's giving him all teh pointers to push buttons when you open up like that.

I very much doubt he truly opens up to you.

It gives him power when you explain all and exactly how you feel and what is upsetting you.

It's a bit like telling a handbag thief that you just broke your arm - he'll go for the vulnerable spot to get what he is after.

 

Did you read that free book? Did you recognise any elements of him in there?

[FitChick]

Try taking 1000IU of vitamin D3 for your depression which is generally worse in the winter due to lack of sunlight.

 

How old are you? Perhaps you are perimenopusal or menopausal so your sex drive is lower and you are depressed due to a hormone imbalance. You need to see an endocrinologist to have blood tests since most GPs are clueless. If that isn't possible under the NHS, ask your gyno to do the tests.

 

I agree with QuietStorm on this. Women are too eager to blame the man. If his Love Language is personal touch, he would feel rejected and angry.

[just bird]

GemmaUK, hi there.

 

When I was diagnosed with severe depression in Oct 2011, I was immediately put on anti depressants and very quickly put on the waiting list for a counsellor. Early in 2012 I saw the Counsellor for several months until she felt it was time to end the sessions.

 

Late last year, I finally came off the anti depressants (slowly and in a controlled manner). However, I am still in recovery... perhaps always will be. Depression is the worst thing I've ever been through, and falling back in that pit is the scariest thing ever.

 

FitChick your vitamin recommendation is much appreciated, thank you. Interestingly, I translated QuietStorm's differently to you... To me it was a never ending circle of happenings, where maybe one caused the other and the situation snow balled.

 

For the record, I am still sexually 'interested' and without providing too much graphic detail, I look after myself.... I am only 34, so hopefully not menopausal. There were very real reasons why I became depressed. It was something that happened over years and years.

 

Eau Claire, thank you for your post. Again, to clarify, yes there were two major events where he went off on a verbally aggressive attack. However there have been many smaller exhibitions of this type of behaviour. Leading up to New Year, it was every few days. This year he's upset me two or three times. I don't keep a record.

 

Amongst all this, we had a lovely Christmas day together, when we did actually make love. I thought if we were able to keep up that type of relationship I would be happy and so would he, because I'd be getting my emotional needs met, and he'd be getting his (via the sexual path). I tried really hard to behave exactly as I did on that day, being open, giving and actively loving towards him. But between Boxing Day & New Year's Day, it became clear my efforts were in vain.

 

His son was over and, even though he's only 7, he noticed that Daddy was stressed. I remember they were in the living room together after the son opening his presents, and Daddy was helping him build a Lego star wars 'thing'. I was out if the way in the kitchen and could hear my fella getting frustrated with the Lego. To try to lighten things I asked if he'd like a drink or anything, and he responded with a frustrated groan.

 

A few seconds later his son appeared in the kitchen, and whispered to me, "I wouldn't speak to Daddy for a few minutes and just let him calm down because I think he's getting a bit stressed." I smiled and softly said, "Ok, sweety, sounds like good advice, thank you."

 

This is the first time his son has ever said or done anything like this. At least his anger wasn't my fault that time, but it did make me think. He has seen his Dad speak to me in an angry way on many occasions, and seen me trying to defend myself. He never opts for sides, just tells us to stop - which makes you feel terribly guilty. Because I felt guilty about the son seeing these episodes, I now try not to respond. It doesn't stop them, but it does shorten them.

 

So, to summarise, I am not without sexual desire, just without sexual desire for a man who refuses to acknowledge my emotions, and who happily abuses them. His angry episodes happen whether we've had sex/sexual touch or not. The angry episodes happen in front of close family members, like his son, and so I know it isn't just me imagining it.

 

I don't think he means to be nasty - the anger just takes over. He seems to show genuine remorse after, although 'sorry' isn't always used. You get fooled into thinking that it won't happen again, but it does. Then you tell yourself that you're just being too sensitive, he is just being a little grumpy. But grumpy people don't continually shout insults at people. The only things he praises me for are my cooking, my abilities in the bedroom, and looking sexy/hot. I remind him that I have a brain and a sense of humour too, does he not appreciate these too? He always says, of course!

 

But I am insulted for being late, not keeping a tidy house (he won't lift a finger himself), not washing his work clothes, going to bed too late, not waking early enough....

 

Sorry, so much pent up inside me, and few people to confide in about it. I find it hard to trust friends with this sort of thing.