Sweeetie Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months and have known him for 7 months. He's 23 and I'm 24. He is my 3rd boyfriend, but the first guy who has made me feel truly special. I know it's only been a few months but he would do literally anything for me and my happiness is very important to him. With other guys, when there were moments I would think 'I wish he cared enough/liked me enough to do this or that', my boyfriend fulfils all of that and never lets me have these thoughts. He always exceeds my expectations and I never imagined a man could treat a woman so well. There is however a problem- as much as he cares and loves me, he doesn't really understand me as a person. Verbal communication is difficult between us unless it is about surface stuff like TV shows. The way we think is different; I'm quite deep and he not so much. He never talks about deep stuff and when I do he gets a bit uncomfortable and stays silent, then changes the topic when I stop speaking. For example, the other day I told him that my sister and I are not close. Rather than ask why or even hear me out about it, he just said "oh" and then changed the topic. Last week I was feeling really upset by something that someone had said to me, and even then he wasn't really listening and didn't comment, instead he just said "you look cute today" and got out his camera phone and flicked a pic of me when I was on the verge of crying! Sometimes, in advance of a date if I tell him I'd like to talk about something about us that's bothering me he just says 'aw don't ruin another date please. Just tell me here.' (during a texting discussion). This led to an argument where I told him I find his attitude towards serious discussions immature, to which he responded that he finds the topics I want to discuss immature where I could be talking about things like goals and aspirations for the future. I do talk about these and have asked him about his goals and aspirations so many times, but I also want him to be my confidante when I have problems on my chest, especially because I dont have that many people to talk to besides him. Most of our 'serious discussions' are via text, this is the place I can get him to listen to me and open up and he does put in time for it even if it means sleeping late because he cares a lot. He just finds it too awkward in person. I have told him a few times that I find communication between us difficult, he says he does try but to be honest I think we are just too different. If a person is not built like that it is hard to change them, right? I just don't want to let this guy go because I don't think I will ever meet someone who cares for me that much. Advice?
Cakess Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I've read an article about this before. It was called, "Your Boyfriend is not Your Girlfriend", meaning, that women who expect their boyfriend to also fulfill the role of their girl best friend in an early relationship are setting the relationship up for unnecessary drama and arguments. You might be different but I'd like to point that out to you. It's not that he's not interested, he's just not a sensitive girl. I'm sure as you two deepen the relation ship we WILL want to know all the details about you. But for now, unless you really have an ISSUE with him, don't expect him to sit for hours and paint your toenails and gossip or complain about your sister, for example. Yet. For now, you need to go out and hang out with girls if you want to do that kind of thing. I know for my relationship my boyfriend didn't always want to hear about my daily problems or my issues, and so I kept it light. He was like your boyfriend, not really interested in deep talking. But after three or four months, he started picking up on when I was happy or sad, and he'd ask me to share. So I did. And we don't talk together like I do with my, my best friend, but we do share our aspirations as well as our pet peeves with equal conviction. It just took some time. 1
eleve82 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I know of some people who are like this - very awkward when it comes to broaching anything more serious than superficial talk. It could be that he is not used to talking about personal feelings or sharing his emotions in his own family and as such he is unable to grasp what a normal response to such situations is. I would not dismiss it too lightly - a guy who is unable to communicate or show any kind of emotional maturity may take many years to start picking up on this. you may find yourself growing up alot faster than him and getting tired of the superficial interactions. its important to find someone that you can relate to - you shouldnt have to compromise. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 He sounds like my long term partner in the early days. Te relationship was all 'fun' and talking about serious stuff didn't really happen. A few months into the relationship the offer of a week away came up. This was a week with his Dad and his step Mum (who used to be his Mum's best friend..!) plus both sets of (adult) children. A huge argument blew up and I was the only non-member of the family. It was serious stuff about the time when the father basically ran off with the new partner. They both left their kids behind. I felt it inappropriate for me to be in the room so I quickly left and went to sit alone but couldn't help hear everything. That was the first real time when either of us needed support. He got my support simply by being respectful to him and his family. There was nothing I could do. That was the point when we started opening up more to each other. It was a criss time. When you really need someone - they'll be there for you if they love you. Give him time to fall in love with you first before venting about things which bug you or all he will see is the irritated side of you.. 1
Author Sweeetie Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 He sounds like my long term partner in the early days. Te relationship was all 'fun' and talking about serious stuff didn't really happen. A few months into the relationship the offer of a week away came up. This was a week with his Dad and his step Mum (who used to be his Mum's best friend..!) plus both sets of (adult) children. A huge argument blew up and I was the only non-member of the family. It was serious stuff about the time when the father basically ran off with the new partner. They both left their kids behind. I felt it inappropriate for me to be in the room so I quickly left and went to sit alone but couldn't help hear everything. That was the first real time when either of us needed support. He got my support simply by being respectful to him and his family. There was nothing I could do. That was the point when we started opening up more to each other. It was a criss time. When you really need someone - they'll be there for you if they love you. Give him time to fall in love with you first before venting about things which bug you or all he will see is the irritated side of you.. Thanks for sharing this. I can totally imagine something like that making communication easier between us, an 'ice-breaker' which opens up that other side to him
Author Sweeetie Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I've read an article about this before. It was called, "Your Boyfriend is not Your Girlfriend", meaning, that women who expect their boyfriend to also fulfill the role of their girl best friend in an early relationship are setting the relationship up for unnecessary drama and arguments. You might be different but I'd like to point that out to you. It's not that he's not interested, he's just not a sensitive girl. I'm sure as you two deepen the relation ship we WILL want to know all the details about you. But for now, unless you really have an ISSUE with him, don't expect him to sit for hours and paint your toenails and gossip or complain about your sister, for example. Yet. For now, you need to go out and hang out with girls if you want to do that kind of thing. I know for my relationship my boyfriend didn't always want to hear about my daily problems or my issues, and so I kept it light. He was like your boyfriend, not really interested in deep talking. But after three or four months, he started picking up on when I was happy or sad, and he'd ask me to share. So I did. And we don't talk together like I do with my, my best friend, but we do share our aspirations as well as our pet peeves with equal conviction. It just took some time. This is true. But the problem is that I don't have other people to talk to as such :-/ I'm self-employed. My best girl friend and I fell out in May last year after many years of a close friendship, the friendship is being repaired slowly now so hopefully I will have her back in my life soon. And since finishing University a year ago, my other friends have moved to different places and are getting on with their own lives so we have drifted apart. I know of some people who are like this - very awkward when it comes to broaching anything more serious than superficial talk. It could be that he is not used to talking about personal feelings or sharing his emotions in his own family and as such he is unable to grasp what a normal response to such situations is. I would not dismiss it too lightly - a guy who is unable to communicate or show any kind of emotional maturity may take many years to start picking up on this. you may find yourself growing up alot faster than him and getting tired of the superficial interactions. its important to find someone that you can relate to - you shouldnt have to compromise. This is how I've been feeling, it is his intense care and love for me that's fuelling my wish for the relationship to continue. But it does make going to dinner very dull.
GemmaUK Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Thanks for sharing this. I can totally imagine something like that making communication easier between us, an 'ice-breaker' which opens up that other side to him You're welcome! Partly it's about not sweating the small stuff - and I don't mean to be disrespectful to your sister nor you when I say that after you mentioned that you don't get along - but that is something you have had going on for a while it sounds like so it's not an immediate thing which needs help - if you get what I mean. My partner still struggled over the yearsbut when I really needed him he was always there. We'd been together about 10 years when my Dad died. My man was there that evening while I was so upset - he had to go to bed though and I felt wronged at that moment. He was due up at 6am though and had a long day at work. A few days later I scrawled down some things for my Dad's Eulogy for his funeral - it was an absolute mess of thoughts. I asked him if he could make some sense of it and help me with it. He went away for a couple of hours and wrote a fantastic, loving, funny and sweet Eulogy out of what I had scrawled. That he did that for me totally meant the world to me! Have some fun with your man just now, there's plenty of time for serious stuff later...if you need to vent just keep it light as another poster mentioned. 1
GemmaUK Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 This is true. But the problem is that I don't have other people to talk to as such :-/ I'm self-employed. My best girl friend and I fell out in May last year after many years of a close friendship, the friendship is being repaired slowly now so hopefully I will have her back in my life soon. And since finishing University a year ago, my other friends have moved to different places and are getting on with their own lives so we have drifted apart. This is how I've been feeling, it is his intense care and love for me that's fuelling my wish for the relationship to continue. But it does make going to dinner very dull. You have this place for venting too now that you're here. Yeah - we used to often have dull dinners too! Lol! We both loved music though so loved music festivals and going to see live stuff - and it was much more fun than dinner! 1
Author Sweeetie Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Yeah - we used to often have dull dinners too! Lol! We both loved music though so loved music festivals and going to see live stuff - and it was much more fun than dinner! I'm really sorry about your dad That must have been very painful. It's good that you had a loving partner to support you at that difficult time. Yea we are thinking of going to a couple of concerts which will be nice because I haven't been to many music festivals and it's music that we both like. But also dinners with friends are things I have always cherished because they are chances to have a good chat about stuff, I don't often get the chance to have good chats due to the situation which is why sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier with someone who can offer me greater companionship Love can be so confusing!
GemmaUK Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm really sorry about your dad That must have been very painful. It's good that you had a loving partner to support you at that difficult time. Yea we are thinking of going to a couple of concerts which will be nice because I haven't been to many music festivals and it's music that we both like. But also dinners with friends are things I have always cherished because they are chances to have a good chat about stuff, I don't often get the chance to have good chats due to the situation which is why sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier with someone who can offer me greater companionship Love can be so confusing! You'll find your balance. Forums are a good place for advice too. For the record - I'm on my own, my only family members live the other side of the world. I have friends but unless I really need to I prefer not to vent about much to them. I always follow the rule that if they vent to me then I will vent to them. Many of the things I could vent about though either won't change or if I really think about them then I already actually know the answer..and to be honest my answer is good enough and for that I don't need reassurance from anyone. I do think this habit comes as you get older though. That's great that you are lining up different things to do! When we all used to go out for dinner there was always a boys end of teh table and a girls end...even if we started out sitting in couples we woudl all move.. 1
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