My mind just crashed.

[Musing]

So I'll get right to it-

 

Ex and I broke up a few weeks ago and I haven't spoken to him since. No facebook visits, no social networking of any kind. Just texted his friend once to talk about getting my things back a few weeks ago.

 

I was doing fairly well. The end of the relationship was a little sour for me, I felt taken for granted but at the end of the day, he wasn't ready for what I wanted (he is younger and more inexperienced than me and I was talking about developing feelings for him, which freaked him out.) The break up was heartbreaking for both but we left on good terms. I hold small amount of resentment but otherwise care about him a lot and miss him.

 

Anyway, I'm doing the best I can. Only cried for 3 days after the breakup. Eat and sleep fine, only had one or two dreams which didn't really bother me overall.

I felt bittersweet but wanted to move on.

 

...Until I saw him for the first time today. He did not see me (I was inside looking out a window) and he was walking past my building. For a good few seconds my brain forgot we'd broken up and i was going to run outside to see him. I felt excited, like I did when I first started talking to him.

When I came back to reality, I completely crashed and it totally threw off an otherwise great day.

 

I have to encounter this twice a week at least. I was fine at home but I'm back at school now so I get to run the risk of seeing him, and possibly a new girl.

 

I'm still not speaking to him. The urge to text was strong but I resisted. I feel like those 3 weeks of calm and serenity never existed and I'm right back at day 1....

 

Help

[ithappenedagain]

So it sounds like seeing him is a ''trigger'' which stirs your mind in all directions.

 

That is completely normal behavior though..

 

Is there any way you could avoid seeing him? Maybe stay a little later to avoid passing him or seeing him walking by?

[Musing]

Thanks for the reply!

 

I could try to adjust the time I leave the class or the building. I have a long break afterward so I could easily "linger" there.

I suppose there's always that temptation "just to take a peak" or "just to walk by" or "maybe bump into"

 

It's like getting those giddy butterflies all over again, just now I know there won't be a happy ending...

 

The problem is not only are we at the same school but also in the same degree program. So we might pass each other a lot, even if at random.

 

That's what scares me.

[ithappenedagain]

Good ideas!

 

I think for now, you should try avoiding him at all costs. It sounds like if you were to see him again, it would just set you back again.. That's not fun!

 

You will know when the time is right to say 'enough is enough' and not work around his schedule.. But for now... Avoid at all costs!

 

And I totally know about that butterfly feeling you get.. I got this text message from a random number today, and my stomach just started going in knots thinking it was her... Well it wasnt. It was my mom on a different phone LOL...

 

Hang in there and keep posting! It helps!!!

[Musing]

Thanks! Think I'll keep this site on my browser even when I am at school.

 

I've been doing a lot of self reflection and am seeing where my faults were in the relationship, as well as his. The NC isn't hard per se, but wondering if I meant something to him or if I've been forgotten is always a concern that sort of dwells in the back of my mind.

 

I was afraid of seeing him. I don't seek him out but after seeing him, I almost wanted to look for him or make him notice me. I know deep down it wouldn't do a bit of good though. Which is why I haven't tried to break nc.

 

I worry about wednesday, I will be in a club that I've expressed interest in joining that I've tried to also get him to join in the past (related to our majors) I am VERY excited about it, but also VERY nervous because he was thinking of joining as well.

 

I wish I could just make him invisible to me, lol. The feeling is pure agony right now, and just as I thought I was doing so well.

[Musing]

Update:

 

Saw him again. Did not think I'd run into him today. Fate is being cruel now. I never would run into him so much as I am currently in prior semesters. I wasn't even in the building between classes I don't think...he was the only one I saw in the hallway other than myself.

 

My back was to the hallway, I hear "Hi X". Not knowing who it is and caught off guard, I look behind me. It's him. He walks by and smiles at me.

He sounded different. It was sweet..

 

The smile makes me feel warm and a little sad. He gave me that look when we first met. Still feel a connection is there, but cannot pursue

 

I said hey back and watched him walk out the door and out of my view before I left. I remain nc as usual as does he.

 

I miss him.

[ayudorama]

^Man, that is tough I can imagine what you felt. Not easy, not easy at all.

 

Keep strong, mate.

[Musing]

Thanks ayudorama.

 

It is very tough but not as much as I'd thought. Then again, like I said he's been alone.

 

We still had mutual attraction during the break up. I felt the spark. It's like having a crush again....like a new revival or something. The hard part is knowing I can't go in that territory.

I am strong enough to remain nc as best as possible.

 

I am glad he didn't just ignore me though. He sounded nervous. I'd feel worse if he totally wrote me off.

[fixing]

You sound like your doing exceptionally well thus far! Just keep the minimal contact short and sweet. A quick friendly smile then off and on your way again. It will get easier with time, trust me.

 

Good luck x

[Musing]

Thanks fixing! I am consciously trying to do my best and just give myself some time.

 

The three weeks of break without him were easiest, I had hopes. I still plan to go through with those (for school career hunting, hobbies etc) however I see now I'm not as far as I'd like to be and am giving myself permission to continue to grieve for a bit.