Confusion_Reigns Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You know I thought everyone had a right to feel what they feel...& the no one can tell them not to feel what they feel...I think it's kinda bad that so many here are trying to negate the OPs feelings of being violated & used by that man.
amaysngrace Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You know I thought everyone had a right to feel what they feel...& the no one can tell them not to feel what they feel...I think it's kinda bad that so many here are trying to negate the OPs feelings of being violated & used by that man. Well just because she wishes she didn't consent now doesn't mean that she didn't consent then. So comparing that to an actual rape is highly offensive to actual rape survivors knowing how traumatic actual rape can be. Getting involved with the wrong person and having an intimate relationship with the wrong person willingly is like comparing a paper cut to an amputation. That's why. 4
lace5262 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Well just because she wishes she didn't consent now doesn't mean that she didn't consent then. So comparing that to an actual rape is highly offensive to actual rape survivors knowing how traumatic actual rape can be. Getting involved with the wrong person and having an intimate relationship with the wrong person willingly is like comparing a paper cut to an amputation. That's why. 1000 likes! 2
Confusion_Reigns Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I am an actual rape survivor & that still does NOT negate her feelings of hurt. & pain . I'm an infedelity survivor and that still does NOT negate her feelings because that are her feelings & no one has the right to tell any how they should or should not feel about any thing.
Lady2163 Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My question to you is: What does it really matter to YOU, Charade, as a fOW, what the wife in your situation thinks of YOU. Why do you care if she forgives you, feels sad for you, hates you, etc? Most OW, by their own admission say the wife was a nonentity so why do they care what the nonentity/wife thinks? Oftentimes, they don't even know the wife. Please, if any OW/fOW can answer that question, it would be so great. I've asked it many times and never had an answer. This also brings to mind the idea that it is really none of our business what other people think of us and that applies to all situations. I haven't read all the posts in this thread, but I wanted to answer this. On one hand the BS is a nonentity to me...on the other hand, she *could* make my life hell if the affair was discovered. I like my married FWB. I even care about him, but I don't love him. If he and I ended things and he went on to have another affair and was caught...she wouldn't "matter" to me. BUT, she can hurt him badly because of MY actions. Does that make sense? Because it would be me he was having an affair with...I would hurt him. I would like to be the one that ends the fwb without a dday, because I firmly feel I can still have a platonic friendship with the MM. We are long distance. If he ends it, there's a lot of potential for next to no contact. I'm not being melodramatic, but I won't recover from that. I know me. I really am a kind person, even though I'm an OW. The affair is better for me, but not having an affair is better for him. I'm not usually this selfish. I have a tough time justifying it in my mind the sacrifice I am asking another human being to make, all for the privilege of having sex with me. I worry that by ending things he will eventually feel rejected. He gets enough of that at home. I think his wife is probably a good person, but is frigid in the bedroom. I've never asked him, "if you had it to do over again, would you marry her" ? I'm pretty sure the answer would be no. She is a good mother, good cook, good housekeeper, they have common interests, but I think he placed too little importance on sexual compatibility when they married. And this is where I get slammed. But, the older I get, the longer I am single, the less tolerance I have for women who either don't provide the whole package, or continually "test" the men in their lives. I don't mean just marriage. My best friend had her boyfriend break up with her...and it is totally her fault. She was a raving lunatic for two months and kept pushing his buttons. She even knew she was pushing his buttons, but felt he should put up with her worst if he really loved her. This is the second time she has done this and she doesn't own her share.. Sorry got to go...
Confusion_Reigns Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I'm a fBS& I do care about the xOW simply because she is a human. I have no "love " for her but I really do wish her well because IMHO the more positive people we have in this world the better...because she's a mother & her children deserve a healthly mother. I just don't see the sense in wishing bad things on her or in lugging around that horrible hate in me. That just doesn't do anyone any good. Mind you, it's taken me a long time to get to this place of peace.
rumbleseat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 The very idea that an ow feels that a mm/mw will simply get away with it should the bs decide to reconcile reall sows how little they know about marriage and reconciliation. Assuming the bs finds out, reconciliation isn't easy ( there are lots of threads in the infidelity/marriage section that illustrate this)for either party, but for whatever reason, both parties feel it's worht doing, or else they wouldn't do it. As for society blaming women, the more I think about it, the less I think that's true. Look at how men who get involved in affairs are perceived...( at least where I live. I don't know about other places) Here, a mm is thought of as a lech and a real heel for for doing that to his wife. Again, there are plenty of threads on here that illustrate that. A man who gets involved with a mw is perceived as a jerk and theer are plenty of threads from bh that are full of anger at the om and ww alike. It seems as if the true anger is either projected at the om/ow and ws, whatever their gender. An interesting case was two female friends of mine who were married, and one had an A. People who knew what was going on placed the blame at the feet of the ws and the ow for the same reasons I've seen in straight M's. 1
rumbleseat Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I'm a fBS& I do care about the xOW simply because she is a human. I have no "love " for her but I really do wish her well because IMHO the more positive people we have in this world the better...because she's a mother & her children deserve a healthly mother. I just don't see the sense in wishing bad things on her or in lugging around that horrible hate in me. That just doesn't do anyone any good. Mind you, it's taken me a long time to get to this place of peace. I'm glad that you were able to find a mindset that works for you. In my situation, the A happened long ago, and I don't like the ow. I don't hate her, but I do not think she is a good person. Maybe she is now, maybe she had made a lot of changes in her life. I don't know, and quite frankly, i don't care. What goes on with her doesn't matter to me. I don't wish bad things on her, nor good things. I don't wish anything. Why would I? 1
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