Does society want to blame women?

[Anne Boleyn]

It's just the golden rule, treat others as you'd like to be treated, applied to approximately half the human race. Perhaps a bit easier to keep the golden rule in mind with those we identify with the easiest, but really, most people have it in them to want to, to strive to, to try to treat others as they'd like to be treated. When we fail, we can learn and try to do better now and in the future.

 

A few people shun the golden rule and prefer a motto of each one out for themselves, but I haven't observed that motto coexisting with a lot of happiness.

 

The golden rule us something I can get behind, but not that of a "girl code." The former is something that crosses every belief system and secular notion. The latter sounds like something out of "Mean Girls" or a high school cafeteria.

[Anne Boleyn]

It is quite common knowledge, not specific to affairs. Even in the business world, where women often backstab each other for coveted positions primarily held by men....the struggled women have faced with equality through out history, etc. this goes back centuries, when women had to count on each other, have each others back. The sisterhood. You have never heard of the sisterhood?

 

Outside of high school or a sorority, no. I've never heard of women being in some secret "sisterhood" by virtue of their gender.

[woinlove]

The golden rule us something I can get behind, but not that of a "girl code." The former is something that crosses every belief system and secular notion. The latter sounds like something out of "Mean Girls" or a high school cafeteria.

 

IMO, the golden rule supersedes any "girl code". If you live by the golden rule you treat women well, you treat men well, there's no problem. You don't have to get behind a girl code as you already have one if you adhere to the golden rule. The golden rule and applying it to women is the opposite of mean girls. It's all about being kind and treating others well, including other women.

[janedoe67]

I'll start by saying I believe A's are wrong. And I am fully culpable for my actions. I do believe that if a WS and AP are involved, they are both doing something morally wrong, though the "roles" of wrongness may differ. This comes from my view on adultery in general.

 

That said, I think we tend to give the most blame to the person who has made us angriest in that moment combined with whom we are most comfortable blaming the most. Fr example, my h went through a short time of being more angry at the OM because he could hate him, while his love for me in spite of my choices made it confusing for him to be that angry with me. It is hard to feel that much venom for someone we are close to, so it makes sense it would be easier to direct it at the more distant person.

 

I think a WS who is not remorseful will tend to blame the BS. An AP who is angry over the competition with the BS will blame the BS, and the BS will blame both but tend to focus on whoever is least painful to "hate" at the time, which I think is normal.

 

I do think women are judged more harshly, but I think that is because of the wiring of males with regard to sex and "their women," and I don't mean that as a slam. It is what it is.

[Anne Boleyn]

IMO, the golden rule supersedes any "girl code". If you live by the golden rule you treat women well, you treat men well, there's no problem. You don't have to get behind a girl code as you already have one if you adhere to the golden rule. The golden rule and applying it to women is the opposite of mean girls. It's all about being kind and treating others well, including other women.

 

"Mean Girls" the movie... It sounds like Regina explaining to Kady why she can't date her ex...

[woinlove]

"Mean Girls" the movie... It sounds like Regina explaining to Kady why she can't date her ex...

 

It's better to be kind to others, it feels good. Not sure what you see as negative in that applied to women.

[Anne Boleyn]

It's better to be kind to others, it feels good. Not sure what you see as negative in that applied to women.

 

I don't see it as a negative to be nice to women. I just think this "sisterhood" stuff is nonsense.

[yellowmaverick]

I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive to anyone; I am honestly not trying to be callous or harsh. But there is a nagging "something" that bothers me.

 

Possibly I am not owning my sh*t, although my IC does not feel this is the case. However, I am highly, seriously agitated at the way OW are villified in As. IMO, they are demonized far more than the "doofous" WHs (unless the WH leaves--then he obtains equal villain status). Years after reconciliation, OW are still blamed and hated. Many, many BSs use the "she knew he was married" argument to blame the OW. Forever.

 

But something about the way the WH is eventually loved and the OW, whoever she was, is always hated makes me very, very angry. How is that final result in any way logical? Hmmm . . .

 

Here's the harsh part--I feel like a sexual assault victim, date rape. I was stupid. I believed him. I fell for his charm and my deep, deep love for him (old bf). And then I was raped. Emotionally raped.

 

Yes, I was stupid. And I paid the price. But how was my crime of stupidity worse than his crime of knowingly harming two women, one he supposedly loved but chose to forget and one who he "pretended" to love? And why do I feel like the women of society are happy blaming and hating other women for "sexual misconduct" while the men of society simply watch and allow it?

 

Why do I feel like a stupid, naive rape victim in all this, even 19 months after I ended the A? Why does everyone feel so comfortable saying we should have known better, even though we were so badly hurt?

 

I keep thinking of Kobe's accuser.

"Why did she go to his room?"

"She knew what was going to happen?"

"She deserved it."

 

Tell me, is stupid a worse crime than selfishly evil? Is that why OW are never forgiven but BHs are?

 

Back to the original question...first, to equate willingly having sex with a married man with rape is very offensive. Consider yourself fortunate if you have never actually been raped.

 

Secondly, in your last paragraph, are you implying that OW are stupid? I won't even touch that one, but I would argue that lack of intelligence and lack of morality don't necessarily go hand in hand.

 

You have total control over your own actions and your own choices. You have NO control over other people's opinions about your choices. Stop obsessing about what you can't control and focus on what you can. You will be much happier.

[cocorico]

But many of those things can happen to the OW as well, the spouse isn't unique in that. The boards here are testimony to that.

 

I don't expect his ex wife, or anybody, to find out about an affair and be OK. I don't expect her to like me or ever want to like me, that's totally OK. I don't expect her friends to like me, I don't expect her family to like me, heck, I don't expect his family to like me. All of this is fine. And yes, I expect yelling, angry texts, angry phone calls, letters, screaming during confrontations, all of that. Maybe even a slap or thrown punch or two. Is it OK? No, but I expect it and I'd say that it wasn't undeserving.

 

Then there's some of it... The shady things that you know are shady, but they're not really latent in their inappropriateness, or maybe they are, but they're still ignorable... So you just kind of ignore them, despite their weirdness. Like having the key to your house go missing of your husband's key ring and coming home to find all your underwear missing. And him going to her apartment to get his things and her wearing nothing but said missing underwear. Or a couple years later, when the divorce is over and done, and you're planning a vacation halfway across the country together to find out that she also is planning a vacation to the same location. During the same dates. While staying at the same resort. In the same building as said resort. And is upset that she misunderstood what flight we were flying because she'd intended on booking the same flight because she's too scared to fly alone and she didn't think we'd notice her on the plane. Or the bus to the resort. Or having to explain to people even 5-6 years on that they're not actually married anymore despite her introducing herself as "Mrs. Boleyn, Mr. Boleyn's wife."

 

Then there's the stuff that it's just really not all that forgivable, despite the affair or how it affected her. Like seeing him and I in a car, driving through a parking lot, and ramming us with her car. Repeatedly. Years after the divorce. And saying she aimed for the back of the car because she hoped it'd kill our infant. And saying this in front of me and her children, who love their sibling. Or the texts that I should kill myself, again, maybe not from her, but certainly from someone she knows, and her saying as a response that "maybe she should." Or having the parents of her 17 year old boyfriend come to our door to tell us to get her to leave their son alone or they'd press charges. Or breaking into our house to steal our child's bedding and toys because "if they were bought with her husband's money they're as much hers as his." 2 years after the divorce.

 

That's where you kind of wander from "I get this affair hurt you and it's OK to act accordingly because I know we did a bad thing" to "this is not OK, no matter what." And that's where my tolerance for "I can forgive this stuff because I know I caused it" changes to "I can't get past this behavior and I don't think I have to because you did some really bad things for a really, really long time."

 

Now, some of this was the affair, some of this was behavior that came up in the past during the marriage that I didn't know the extent of until years later, though she admitted to me that she had done previously to "keep him."

 

I think that I'm fair in saying that the behavior was severe enough and occurred long enough outside of a scope of when they were married that I can say "I'm not over this and I don't forgive you." Or if not, it certainly can go to explaining the base question of "why do you care what she thinks about you?" with a very legitimate "I really don't care what she thinks of me."

 

 

 

Again, I understand the hurt and pain and this isn't a case of "I had an affair with your husband, but you called me a b-word, so I hate you" it's a case of a woman who was physically abusive to begin with carrying that out to a degree that's excessive. The behavior would have existed regardless of the affair... As in, she already was abusive to her husband, a relationship with a boyfriend ended after she started stalking his ex (something she did to my husband as well)... But without the affair, I wouldn't have been the focal point of it. And I have no doubt the affair exaggerated behaviors she was prone to as it was.

 

But, enough of this. I don't want to say negative things about her or make it seem like I'm trashing her. I'm truly not. I realize a combination of factors, some of which I contributed to, provoked her to the behaviors she displayed. However, I just want to illustrate that there are times where just because you're the OW doesn't mean that everything hurled your way is something you should tolerate or can be explained away by saying she's a scorned wife.

 

Wow - she sounds so much like my H's xW it's scary - down to the underwear theft (though, to my knowledge, she didn't try to wear mine. We are very different sizes and that would not have worked...). Weird stuff.

 

And entirely consistent with her behaviour during the M. The A and him leaving her simply gave her a new target, but didn't change her behaviour in any qualitative way.

[cocorico]

It's just the golden rule, treat others as you'd like to be treatedi.

 

Apologies if this is O/T, but why is it assumed that an oW is always "breaking the golden rule" by having an A?

 

The golden rule, as I understand it, says "treat others as *you* would like to be treated", not "treat others as others think you should be treated". That would be something else entirely.

 

So if having an A is consistent with an OW's morals and values, _and she applies that to herself as well_ and would not go all monkeyfaeces if another woman made moves on her partner, then what "golden rule" is she breaking? She is living entirely authentically and consistently with her moral code.

 

I think this is just another of those "we know better and your view doesn't count" assumptions that fall under the general banner of cultural imperialism.

[woinlove]

Apologies if this is O/T, but why is it assumed that an oW is always "breaking the golden rule" by having an A?

 

The golden rule, as I understand it, says "treat others as *you* would like to be treated", not "treat others as others think you should be treated". That would be something else entirely.

 

So if having an A is consistent with an OW's morals and values, _and she applies that to herself as well_ and would not go all monkeyfaeces if another woman made moves on her partner, then what "golden rule" is she breaking? She is living entirely authentically and consistently with her moral code.

 

I think this is just another of those "we know better and your view doesn't count" assumptions that fall under the general banner of cultural imperialism.

 

Not sure whose assumptions you are talking about - here the golden rule was discussed in context of how women interact with each other, which is being discussed because the OP says that women are judged more harshly for affairs.

 

But to address your point, most - not all - people do not like to be deceived. Remove any deception from affairs, have everything out in the open, no lies, no disloyalty, and one has something quite different, something typically not called an affair but just another relationship in an open relationship.

 

For people who are happy to be deceived, then for them to deceive others and/or to encourage another to deceive would presumably not be a problem for them. Still, such behavior is likely to hurt others and, to me, the golden rule is connected to the simple rule of being kind and trying not to hurt.

[HermioneG]

Apologies if this is O/T, but why is it assumed that an oW is always "breaking the golden rule" by having an A?

 

The golden rule, as I understand it, says "treat others as *you* would like to be treated", not "treat others as others think you should be treated". That would be something else entirely.

 

So if having an A is consistent with an OW's morals and values, _and she applies that to herself as well_ and would not go all monkeyfaeces if another woman made moves on her partner, then what "golden rule" is she breaking? She is living entirely authentically and consistently with her moral code.

 

I think this is just another of those "we know better and your view doesn't count" assumptions that fall under the general banner of cultural imperialism.

 

Not participating in deception is a function of cultural imperialism?

 

Well, I have to admit. That is a brand new idea. LOL

 

I think it would be very hard to find a mass group of people who don't mind being lied to, having their lives put at risk, and having their commitments invalidated.

 

But perhaps I live a more sheltered life.

 

Thank goodness.

[rumbleseat]

I think this is just another of those "we know better and your view doesn't count" assumptions that fall under the general banner of cultural imperialism.

 

 

As the saying goes, "pot meet kettle".

 

 

The minute you start trying to force your view of the value of M on to somebody else, which one does when they choose to be an ow/om or ws to a bs who is in the dark and does not give his/her consent to be treated that way, then they are, in effect forcing their views on to the bs.

 

This very neatly fits into your definition of "cultural imperialism", so you are guilty of doing the very thing you decry.

 

It's like religion. You can feel free to worship , or not, as you see fit. Just don't proselytize.

Edited January 29, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Citations without attribution redacted.

[cocorico]

Not participating in deception is a function of cultural imperialism?

 

 

Nope - the assumption that everyone shares the same morals and values concerning As is a function of cultural imperialism.

 

Apologies if my post was ambiguous. Sometimes I forget that people here have different home languages and different levels of comfort with English.

[waterwoman]

I am not sure that respecting other's view where they differ from your own is subjecting yourself to cultural imperialism. I have no religious belief but I wouldn't serve some forbidden food to a Jew and I prefer not to blaspheme in front of deeply Christian MIL. I don't beleive in causing unneccessary pain or distress to other people. If however I was in a position. for example, to prevent FGM on a child by intervention of some kind, I would do so regardless of the cultural sensibilities I was offending. So I guess I draw my line where I personally feel the offence caused would be less than the damage done.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

But many of those things can happen to the OW as well, the spouse isn't unique in that. The boards here are testimony to that.

 

I don't expect his ex wife, or anybody, to find out about an affair and be OK. I don't expect her to like me or ever want to like me, that's totally OK. I don't expect her friends to like me, I don't expect her family to like me, heck, I don't expect his family to like me. All of this is fine. And yes, I expect yelling, angry texts, angry phone calls, letters, screaming during confrontations, all of that. Maybe even a slap or thrown punch or two. Is it OK? No, but I expect it and I'd say that it wasn't undeserving.

 

Then there's some of it... The shady things that you know are shady, but they're not really latent in their inappropriateness, or maybe they are, but they're still ignorable... So you just kind of ignore them, despite their weirdness. Like having the key to your house go missing of your husband's key ring and coming home to find all your underwear missing. And him going to her apartment to get his things and her wearing nothing but said missing underwear. Or a couple years later, when the divorce is over and done, and you're planning a vacation halfway across the country together to find out that she also is planning a vacation to the same location. During the same dates. While staying at the same resort. In the same building as said resort. And is upset that she misunderstood what flight we were flying because she'd intended on booking the same flight because she's too scared to fly alone and she didn't think we'd notice her on the plane. Or the bus to the resort. Or having to explain to people even 5-6 years on that they're not actually married anymore despite her introducing herself as "Mrs. Boleyn, Mr. Boleyn's wife."

 

Then there's the stuff that it's just really not all that forgivable, despite the affair or how it affected her. Like seeing him and I in a car, driving through a parking lot, and ramming us with her car. Repeatedly. Years after the divorce. And saying she aimed for the back of the car because she hoped it'd kill our infant. And saying this in front of me and her children, who love their sibling. Or the texts that I should kill myself, again, maybe not from her, but certainly from someone she knows, and her saying as a response that "maybe she should." Or having the parents of her 17 year old boyfriend come to our door to tell us to get her to leave their son alone or they'd press charges. Or breaking into our house to steal our child's bedding and toys because "if they were bought with her husband's money they're as much hers as his." 2 years after the divorce.

 

That's where you kind of wander from "I get this affair hurt you and it's OK to act accordingly because I know we did a bad thing" to "this is not OK, no matter what." And that's where my tolerance for "I can forgive this stuff because I know I caused it" changes to "I can't get past this behavior and I don't think I have to because you did some really bad things for a really, really long time."

 

Now, some of this was the affair, some of this was behavior that came up in the past during the marriage that I didn't know the extent of until years later, though she admitted to me that she had done previously to "keep him."

 

I think that I'm fair in saying that the behavior was severe enough and occurred long enough outside of a scope of when they were married that I can say "I'm not over this and I don't forgive you." Or if not, it certainly can go to explaining the base question of "why do you care what she thinks about you?" with a very legitimate "I really don't care what she thinks of me."

 

 

 

Again, I understand the hurt and pain and this isn't a case of "I had an affair with your husband, but you called me a b-word, so I hate you" it's a case of a woman who was physically abusive to begin with carrying that out to a degree that's excessive. The behavior would have existed regardless of the affair... As in, she already was abusive to her husband, a relationship with a boyfriend ended after she started stalking his ex (something she did to my husband as well)... But without the affair, I wouldn't have been the focal point of it. And I have no doubt the affair exaggerated behaviors she was prone to as it was.

 

But, enough of this. I don't want to say negative things about her or make it seem like I'm trashing her. I'm truly not. I realize a combination of factors, some of which I contributed to, provoked her to the behaviors she displayed. However, I just want to illustrate that there are times where just because you're the OW doesn't mean that everything hurled your way is something you should tolerate or can be explained away by saying she's a scorned wife.

 

 

 

Wow - I guess OW are not the only ones that get the bunny boiler title sometimes. How sad for everyone. - especially the children.

[rumbleseat]

There is another double standard with some re: affairs.

 

When a mm lies and claims not be be M, he is painted as a horrible person for lying and deceiving someone like that, and I agree.

 

If he is so terrible for lying to the ow, then isn't he just as bad for lying to his bs?

[Confusion_Reigns]

IMO, it’s a foolish thing to try to place ‘blame’ on anyone. Really, that is a losing battle, it’s senseless. OF COURES the BW is going to have negative feelings for the OW….just like the WH is going to have positive feelings towards the OW…& the OW may/may not have negative feelings for the BW…it just is what it is because of the dynamics of the situation. Discuss all you want but honestly, where does this lead? To the same old same, blame game.

 

In all reality….and I’m not sure how many here will really *get* this at the fundamental level….but women are the most powerful creatures in this universe. And that has nothing to do with the ‘sisterhood’ or anything like that…it just is what it is…the way the Great Mystery has established our existence. Having said that…it makes sense (in a weird way) that the forces that be would want to divide women and pit them against each other….and what better way to accomplish this than by using the women’s strengths against them…but I digress…

 

It’s a ****ty thing to do…for a MM to falsely present themselves to the OW…actually it’s a ****ty thing to do to anyone in any situation. Regardless. If they say they’re single or divorcing, whatever, its not cool. Yes, maybe the OW goes in, takes her chances, maybe gets burned…really bad…and she’s hurt. It’s a horrible thing to revile in the hurt of others NO MATTER WHAT…maybe everyone gets hurt…probably everyone does get hurt…and it’s a horrible thing to be happy for any of that hurt on any of the parties. Regardless. In my very humble opinion.

 

Haven’t you ever noticed that no matter how much ‘hate’ you send out to whomever it never really makes you feel any better? We all walk thru this life…doing the best we can with what we have…we all take our lumps and learn our lessons, either the easy way or the hard way. We all own our own**** and OWE NOTHING to anyone else. Nothing. However, what we send out we receive…but not only us everyone receives what we send out. So, again…IMHO…we would do best to try to heal our own selves so we can send out love, kindness, happiness…and in doing so then we are also healing those around us and the world itself.

 

…ah, but what do I know…

[Owl]

My personal opinion...for what little it counts.

 

I don't think anyone is "out to get women", at least on a broad scale or scope. Sure, there are misogynists out there...but I don't think they've banded together to make sure that women the world over...or even those of specific cultures...'get what's coming to them'.

 

And since I'm assuming that this is tied to infidelity (given the forum this thread was started in), I'm going to add that I especially don't think that women get the 'short end of the stick' specifically when it comes to cheating.

 

Not as cheaters, nor as the ones being cheated on. Not in most western cultures at least...cultures where women are held in a more subservient or 'lesser' role overall are outside the scope of what I can talk about, other than to say it makes sense that if they're already being held in a 'lesser role' in those societies, it would make sense that they get screwed over in the case of infidelity as well. It's just spill over from the overall society, not something tied specific to infidelity/cheating.

 

But in the societies I AM familiar with...women aren't 'expected to be cheated on' and supposed to quietly accept it as their role. Nor are they seen as the 'cause' for cheating. They suffer the same damage as men do in either role. THey can cheat, they can be cheated on, and they can be the affair partner who participated in the affair.

 

They're not 'to blame' any more than men.

[William]

As the thread starter has gone missing and the discussion appears to be more generalized as opposed to discussing specifics of their relationship, I've moved this to GRD. Thanks and please continue!

[peaksandvalleys]

I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive to anyone; I am honestly not trying to be callous or harsh. But there is a nagging "something" that bothers me.

 

Possibly I am not owning my sh*t, although my IC does not feel this is the case. However, I am highly, seriously agitated at the way OW are villified in As. IMO, they are demonized far more than the "doofous" WHs (unless the WH leaves--then he obtains equal villain status). Years after reconciliation, OW are still blamed and hated. Many, many BSs use the "she knew he was married" argument to blame the OW. Forever.

 

But something about the way the WH is eventually loved and the OW, whoever she was, is always hated makes me very, very angry. How is that final result in any way logical? Hmmm . . .

 

Here's the harsh part--I feel like a sexual assault victim, date rape. I was stupid. I believed him. I fell for his charm and my deep, deep love for him (old bf). And then I was raped. Emotionally raped.

 

Yes, I was stupid. And I paid the price. But how was my crime of stupidity worse than his crime of knowingly harming two women, one he supposedly loved but chose to forget and one who he "pretended" to love? And why do I feel like the women of society are happy blaming and hating other women for "sexual misconduct" while the men of society simply watch and allow it?

 

Why do I feel like a stupid, naive rape victim in all this, even 19 months after I ended the A? Why does everyone feel so comfortable saying we should have known better, even though we were so badly hurt?

 

I keep thinking of Kobe's accuser.

"Why did she go to his room?"

"She knew what was going to happen?"

"She deserved it."

 

Tell me, is stupid a worse crime than selfishly evil? Is that why OW are never forgiven but BHs are?

 

 

Yes women are viewed differently than men where affairs are concerned. They are before they engage in the affair so why not after they engage? Is it right? No. But so much about affairs is wrong and this is just another wrong. I do however find the reference to rape a bit offensive since I was raped. I didn't choose it. It was forced on me. Wait maybe you have a point. From a BS (my) point of view this was forced on me too. From the your point of view. You were forced or even held against your will. You went along willingly.

[peaksandvalleys]

I feel badly for women. Especially for women who hate women. Such a shame.

 

 

Why do you feel badly for women hating women? The OW in my situation earned my hate. Why feel bad for her or me?

[peaksandvalleys]

I do kind of think that when you have sex and an affair with someone, unless it was agreed that it was purely a sexual relationship, you "owe" them decency and compassion, even if you were cheating on your spouse to do it. It's lousy that a wayward spouse would bring someone into the marriage like that, but to me having sex isn't casual, no matter the circumstances.

 

 

Decency and compassion from someone who hasn't shown decency and compassion by having the affair in the first place? Why?

[peaksandvalleys]

How should society divvy up the blame? Should the OW get 10% and the MM get 90%? Does that seem fair? Both knew he was 100% married.

 

You know that niggling feeling in your head where you knew it was wrong but you did it anyways. That is how you know you aren't a victim.

 

Why don't each the MM and the OW take 100% of the blame for their actions? That seems fair.

 

 

100% of the blame for 100% of their actions. It is what my parents taught me as a child. They always told me that no matter the reasons in my head my response was always "MY" choice. No one forced that choice on me.

[Radu]

I'm sorry if this is in any way offensive to anyone; I am honestly not trying to be callous or harsh. But there is a nagging "something" that bothers me.

 

Possibly I am not owning my sh*t, although my IC does not feel this is the case. However, I am highly, seriously agitated at the way OW are villified in As. IMO, they are demonized far more than the "doofous" WHs (unless the WH leaves--then he obtains equal villain status). Years after reconciliation, OW are still blamed and hated. Many, many BSs use the "she knew he was married" argument to blame the OW. Forever.

 

But something about the way the WH is eventually loved and the OW, whoever she was, is always hated makes me very, very angry. How is that final result in any way logical? Hmmm . . .

 

Here's the harsh part--I feel like a sexual assault victim, date rape. I was stupid. I believed him. I fell for his charm and my deep, deep love for him (old bf). And then I was raped. Emotionally raped.

 

Yes, I was stupid. And I paid the price. But how was my crime of stupidity worse than his crime of knowingly harming two women, one he supposedly loved but chose to forget and one who he "pretended" to love? And why do I feel like the women of society are happy blaming and hating other women for "sexual misconduct" while the men of society simply watch and allow it?

 

Why do I feel like a stupid, naive rape victim in all this, even 19 months after I ended the A? Why does everyone feel so comfortable saying we should have known better, even though we were so badly hurt?

 

I keep thinking of Kobe's accuser.

"Why did she go to his room?"

"She knew what was going to happen?"

"She deserved it."

 

Tell me, is stupid a worse crime than selfishly evil? Is that why OW are never forgiven but BHs are?

 

First of all, i have to be blunt.

I don't like this post and attitude.

 

You use the word 'rape', do you have any idea what this word means to women who have been raped and men who have been falsely accused of that crime or have been raped themselves ?

As a guy, i have to be constantly aware of what situations i put myself in, because if a girl screams 'rape !!!!!', then most ppl will believe her, regardless of proof or not [this happened to a guy i knew in HS, she screamed rape when it was consensual because his family had bucks and her dad wanted some; even the girls in our HS -85% girls- did not believe the guy raped her].

Even if in the court of law i am proven innocent, the stigma still stays there, it will affect my chances for employment, my chances to see my kids, and God help me if an article is printed about me ... i will never get a retraction or an apology from the masses of angry women who will want to see me suffering the same faith as Mr. Bobbit.

If i am raped as a guy [it happens quite a lot in prison; or if i'm raped by some woman, or forced into the situation by her], there is no support system for me in place, and nobody will believe me. Men will make fun of me.

And this is just from the side of my gender, there are women on this site who have been raped.

Please learn how to use that word properly, and respect it.

 

 

Now, about the idea in your post.

Yes, i suspect there is a double standard, and i suspect why.

Cheating men, are less likely to leave their partners than cheating women; we are punished far harsher when the marriage breaks :

- the kids and the house will most likely end up with her;

- we will get less time with them, more expenses because we now have to pay child support and maybe even alimony;

- most judges favor women, women are more likely to interfere with the father's rights to see his kid -60% of polled women admitted to this-;

- and as you pointed out, we get judged as vile scumbag dogs if the marriage ended because of our infidelity ... but for other reasons as well, i hardly never hear of a woman saying 'our marriage broke down because i did/we did something' ... it's mostly the guy's fault.

The OW is supposed to know how the BS feels, and in a way is striking against one of her fellow sisters.

Women are seen more as nurturers [than men are], so there is a bigger fall from that position than the one OM have from their position.

Modern media also has a propensity for portraying all males as morons, ppl who need the love of a smart woman to get better in life [a good example is Despicable Me 1, when Gru's mother was psychologically abusive and the producers made fun of the soul crushing crap she pulled], because they are all children and can't take care of themselves; in a way it divorces men of adult responsabilities and you see in part the effect of that [another downside is that men are considered incapable to be good single parents].

 

 

The more time you keep validating that feeling of getting 'raped' by the inequality here [and you are spot on about it's existence] the longer it will take you to lift yourself up from anger, hatred, etc ... to move on.

He's a pig, you will meet many pigs in life.

Do something to make yourself feel better, burn all his photo's, call him a slut, talk to his wife and say everything, date someone new ... anything, to forget him as the focus of your thoughts.