lovelylady17 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I am going to tell my story, but being that this is a sensitive topic to me. Please refrain from leaving any harsh advice. I am currently the MW with a OM. I have been trying my hardest to cut off the OM completely, but I'm having a really hard time. When I first started seeing him I had a trobled marriage. My husband was very mean and emotionally abusive. Well he found out about the oM and things are now good between us. The problem is that I still can't let the oM go. I know that I am wrong and I feel so bad, but being that he was there for me I can't just turn my back on him. He knows I'm working on my marrige and we are just friends, but the point is I'm married and this is entirly wrong to my husband. My husband refuses a separation and the OM refuses to end our friendship. In this situation I don't know what to do. Yes... I love my husband, but I have also grown to love the OM.
SoleMate Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 My husband refuses a separation and the OM refuses to end our friendship. Oh. I have some information for you: nobody can force you to continue friendship with them, or even to continue living with or being married to them. So your statement above is pointless. You have to make your OWN decisions, based on what YOU determine to be the best overall. Consider yourself, your children, and your husband, if you want to stay married. Also...having the H and the OM in your life simultaneously is not sustainable over the long term. At least one will have to go - maybe both. If you want to stay married, then you MUST let the OM go and end ALL contact with him. Otherwise you are wasting your time. See <URL removed> as to why this is true. I understand you have feelings of attachment to both of them. That's a very hard situation. But don't give your decisions away. You are in charge of your life, so MAKE your hard decisions. If you decide that you must go NC with the OM, rest assured that he will survive. You will both be very sad, but you are also both adults, and in the end you will feel better for actually making decisions, rather than just letting your feelings sweep you away. If you stay with your H, you need some serious rebuilding efforts right away. There are clearly a lot of pre-existing problems in your relationship.
Owl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I've got to agree with Sole...no one FORCES you to stay in a relationship with them. Make the choice to end it with your OM. And take serious measures to make it happen...like sending a final email to the OM letting him know that EVERYTHING sent to you goes to your husband as well...and let him know that ANYTIME he calls, he goes on speakerphone with the husband present. Don't ever, EVER let him meet with you alone from now on. Affairs thrive in secrecy...but can't stand being exposed like that. There's no way he can be emotionally intimate with you in that type of environment. The issue is this...YOU have to make this happen. YOU have to make the choice, and YOU have to take these actions to make it work. Good luck...it sounds like you've made the decisions and started the right actions...now you just have to follow through.
Author lovelylady17 Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by SoleMate Also...having the H and the OM in your life simultaneously is not sustainable over the long term. At least one will have to go - maybe both. If you want to stay married, then you MUST let the OM go and end ALL contact with him. Otherwise you are wasting your time. See <URL removed> as to why this is true. Thanks for your advice SOULMATE I believe <removed> will be helpful
Author lovelylady17 Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf Would it be easier if the OM left you? Yes.... It would make things so much easier
katie79 Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Your abusive & possessive hubby, or the other dude? If the ans is the other dude, does he want to be with you? Can you see yourself loving him and maybe being married to him? Although, I'm not a fly on the wall when it comes to your relationship, from what you tell us, your hubby sounds like an a-hole. Ditch him if he can't permenantly fix his abusive/possessive behavior. Do this for yourself, not for the other guy. After you leave him, then you can decide if the other one is a better suiter and worth your full time. You can't let go of this guy b/c you not satisfied with your husband. But you have to make a decision here. Good luck
Owl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Lovelylady- I just re-read your post, and one phrase caught my eye... but being that he was there for me I can't just turn my back on him You've got to understand something...if you TRULY want to re-build your marriage, you're going to have to. There really isn't any other way for you to do this. While the OM is still part of your life, you're going to continue to share intimate feelings and invest emotionally into him what you should be investing and sharing with your husband. And your husband's trust can never be regained if he knows the OM is still there. He'll never trust ANY relationship with the OM again...trust me. It will just hurt him over and over to know that he's there. If your husband doesn't know he's still in the picture, that's another issue. Trust is re-built through honesty...and being honest means telling your husband EVERYTHING. It sounds like you have...but I've seen that often the MW doesn't want to tell her spouse that the OM is still in contact with her...ostensibly because she "doesn't want to hurt him anymore". I've been in your husband's shoes. My marriage is recovering from an affair right now. So I'm speaking from some small measure of experience. Good luck...I really do hope everything work out the best it can for everyone in your situation.
Leaf Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by lovelylady17 Yes.... It would make things so much easier Here is my advice. I am an OW so I plead and beg that you let your OM go in the most clear way you can. It is so unfair that you keep his heart on a string when you do not want him. Now, if you DO want him but for whatever reason you are staying in your marriage, then tell your husband that. You have not been honest to either men. Please please please be 100% honest now. You will break your OM if you keep him hanging on.
Pocky Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 The problem is that I still can't let the oM go. You have to. If you are still attached to your OM then you are still using him to fulfill needs that you should be having fulfilled in your marriage. If your husband is working hard to make this marriage better then you owe it to your husband to let the OM go. The OMs role is now over - it is time he moved on with his own life. I know that I am wrong and I feel so bad, but being that he was there for me I can't just turn my back on him. I'm sure he's a big boy and he'll get over it. And it's almost as though you don't realize that the OM was obviously getting something out of the relationship or he wouldn't have been there in the first place. You're not indebted to the OM. You don't owe him anything. He knows I'm working on my marrige and we are just friends, but the point is I'm married and this is entirly wrong to my husband. Then it needs to end. I'm not sure how your OM is handling the situation, but my OM turned nasty after I decided to stay with my husband. We tried the "friend" situation and it just wouldn't work. The OM progressively turned verbally abusive and put down everything I did and everything I felt was important. It's possible that your OM refuses to let go of the friendship because he still thinks there's still a chance for him. I know that my OM confessed at the end that the only reason he stayed there was because he was hoping that I'd wake up and realize that I didn't want my marriage, but him instead. The OM never truly supported my decision to return to my husband and he had ulterior motives for staying in my life. If I had to guess, I'd say your OM is hoping for the same thing. My husband refuses a separation and the OM refuses to end our friendship. In this situation I don't know what to do. Yes... I love my husband, but I have also grown to love the OM. There may always be a part of you that loves the OM but your decision was to stay in your marriage. When you made that decision you severed any claims you had for keeping your OM in your life. I understand the struggle you're going through. Like you, I didn't want to throw my OM away after I had decided to stay in my marriage. Like you, I did care enough about the OM not to hurt him, but I realized that regardless of what I did, one person had to hurt. Since I had picked my husband, the OM had to be the person that would experience lost. This was a part of the game - the OM was aware of this when he entered into the relationship with you. It's really no difference if you had been single and you decided you weren't happy in the relationship. I understand that because your OM provided you emotional support you feel obligated to over extend yourself in order to spare him any hurt, but you shouldn't. The OM provided this support freely of his own free will and it was provided as an attempt to gain a more intimate relationship with you. I doubt his actions have been truly altruistic. And I'm not trying to make him into a bad person, but I'm trying to make you see that you can stop quilting yourself for saying goodbye to the OM. He picked this role and he knew the consequences. He should move on and leave you to your marriage. (If he cared for you, he would.)
Owl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf You will break your OM if you keep him hanging on. You'll break your husband if you keep the OM hanging on too. (Not to mention how torn apart your own heart will remain while you keep trying to love two men at the same time.)
Leaf Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 This is frustrating... Owl is right in that you will break both men. I disagree with Pocky on this tho.. you DO owe your OM something. Who knows what the nature of that relationship was, but this man loved you and gave you his heart. He deserves to be respected by you. That respect has to come from you being honest and letting him go if that is what you really want. You MUST make a decision that is final. You wanting a friendship with the OM is selfish. I am sorry but it is. Your choice to remain with a man that you said was abusive to you is something that you decided. The OM has no choices. To keep him hanging on to be more of an emotional support system is unfair to him.
Owl Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Leaf- There seems to be a lot of debate on "owing" the OM/OW anything. I'm not sure that you can look at either relationship as an "owing" thing...you don't owe either of them anything...but you do have to do what is RIGHT for the people in your lives WHERE YOU CAN. It seems that EVERY MM/MW wants to keep contact with the OM/OW when the affair is discovered and must come to an end...and I think that you're right that it's because the MW/MM wants to keep them as a support structure. In one way I can admit that sometimes its unfair to the OM/OW...if the marriage ends, often there are tons of reasons that force the MM/MW to maintain contact with the BS (kids, property, divorce proceedings, etc...)...but if the marriage is chosen, it's always the first thing that everyone notes....end the relationship with the OM!!! Affairs suck...the only thing that everyone gets out of it are the emotional scars.
Author lovelylady17 Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by katie79 Your abusive & possessive hubby, or the other dude? If the ans is the other dude, does he want to be with you? Can you see yourself loving him and maybe being married to him? Although, I'm not a fly on the wall when it comes to your relationship, from what you tell us, your hubby sounds like an a-hole. Ditch him if he can't permenantly fix his abusive/possessive behavior. Do this for yourself, not for the other guy. After you leave him, then you can decide if the other one is a better suiter and worth your full time. You can't let go of this guy b/c you not satisfied with your husband. But you have to make a decision here. Good luck I already love the OM Also my husband was a a-hole, but has changed. Sometimes the a-hole comes back, but he seems to put it in check right away. You are totally right I do need to make a decision
Author lovelylady17 Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 I am just so confused right now
Author lovelylady17 Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Leaf- There seems to be a lot of debate on "owing" the OM/OW anything. I'm not sure that you can look at either relationship as an "owing" thing...you don't owe either of them anything...but you do have to do what is RIGHT for the people in your lives WHERE YOU CAN. It seems that EVERY MM/MW wants to keep contact with the OM/OW when the affair is discovered and must come to an end...and I think that you're right that it's because the MW/MM wants to keep them as a support structure. In one way I can admit that sometimes its unfair to the OM/OW...if the marriage ends, often there are tons of reasons that force the MM/MW to maintain contact with the BS (kids, property, divorce proceedings, etc...)...but if the marriage is chosen, it's always the first thing that everyone notes....end the relationship with the OM!!! Affairs suck...the only thing that everyone gets out of it are the emotional scars. Owl you are so right and I feel like a really bad person right now.
Pocky Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Originally posted by Leaf This is frustrating... Owl is right in that you will break both men. I disagree with Pocky on this tho.. you DO owe your OM something. Who knows what the nature of that relationship was, but this man loved you and gave you his heart. He deserves to be respected by you. That respect has to come from you being honest and letting him go if that is what you really want. You MUST make a decision that is final. You wanting a friendship with the OM is selfish. I am sorry but it is. Your choice to remain with a man that you said was abusive to you is something that you decided. The OM has no choices. To keep him hanging on to be more of an emotional support system is unfair to him. She does not owe it to the OM to keep in contact with him. She does not owe it to the OM to keep him as a friend simply because he once loved her. She should treat him with honesty and respect (like her husband), but she does not owe him friendship when that friendship will be the eventual demise of her now-being-fixed marriage.
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