herself Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am female and after 20 days NC of any kind, it is his Bday. Im not writing but for all of you who post that she is cold, or doesnt care...truthfully, I cried to not wish him a HBDAY was horrible and it hurt me so much and I syill miss him every day so I guess I wanted to say....no matter WHAT you think....she is hurting to. She may be also doing no contact and so missing someone is not a good reason to write so you shouldn't and she shouldnt, but she will still greive and think of you alot. Hope someone finds comfort in that. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am female and after 20 days NC of any kind, it is his Bday. Im not writing but for all of you who post that she is cold, or doesnt care...truthfully, I cried to not wish him a HBDAY was horrible and it hurt me so much and I syill miss him every day so I guess I wanted to say....no matter WHAT you think....she is hurting to. She may be also doing no contact and so missing someone is not a good reason to write so you shouldn't and she shouldnt, but she will still greive and think of you alot. Hope someone finds comfort in that. Ok, first, I'm sorry you're sad. This is one side, but most of the time, once they've moved on, they have moved on. And to be honest, if they already left, why does it matter if they are hurting too or not? PLUS, you guys were never a full couple he emotionally cheated on his wife with you and never left her for you, so I mean...what is the post actually saying? 3
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Ok, first, I'm sorry you're sad. This is one side, but most of the time, once they've moved on, they have moved on. And to be honest, if they already left, why does it matter if they are hurting too or not? PLUS, you guys were never a full couple he emotionally cheated on his wife with you and never left her for you, so I mean...what is the post actually saying? Agreed. The realtionship is over, if they were hurting badly enough, they'd reach out. Plenty of dumpers hurt, you'd have to have no soul to not feel emotional at the end of the relationship. But the hurt is not enough to motivate contact, so dwelling on it is not productive. 2
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am female and after 20 days NC of any kind, it is his Bday. Im not writing but for all of you who post that she is cold, or doesnt care...truthfully, I cried to not wish him a HBDAY was horrible and it hurt me so much and I syill miss him every day so I guess I wanted to say....no matter WHAT you think....she is hurting to. She may be also doing no contact and so missing someone is not a good reason to write so you shouldn't and she shouldnt, but she will still greive and think of you alot. Hope someone finds comfort in that. Hahahahahaha... My ex doesn't give ONE F**K and hasn't spent one second thinking of me or us... I'm so far gone, it's not even funny...
guest572 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I am confused. Are you saying that women dont miss their man after a break up, or that the dumper doesn't miss the dumped?
Author herself Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I don't mind the judgment and what I was trying to say is theres alot of people hurting feeling forgotten as they arent getting the breadcrumb or happy birthday etc. And I just wanted to say as a female to the males it isnt always the way it appears. She will do the right thing as I am by staying in NC but very likely she still cares.
waterwoman Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Sorry you are feeling so sad x But I can't imagine anyone reading here would ever be in any doubt that OW/MW feel a great deal of emotion after a break up.
Author herself Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 The posts say otherwise. Ugh why do I even bother posting, I was just saying sometimes doing whats right by staying in NC appears as though a person has cruelly moved on in a cold heartless manner and I was just adding a post to comfort those people. It seemed cold or heartless to ignore a long time friends birthday for me and the fact is I ignored it because I care so much that we can both heal & move on and do the right thing. 2
krazikat Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 The posts say otherwise. Ugh why do I even bother posting, I was just saying sometimes doing whats right by staying in NC appears as though a person has cruelly moved on in a cold heartless manner and I was just adding a post to comfort those people. It seemed cold or heartless to ignore a long time friends birthday for me and the fact is I ignored it because I care so much that we can both heal & move on and do the right thing. Herself, gently, you are doing no good for yourself by putting so much focus on his bday. Let go...go take care of yourself. You seem very emotional, and your posts are not clear...but what is clear is you are hurting. Let him go. He is a cheating man. You deserve better than that. YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN A CHEATING LYING SNEAKING MAN!!!!!!!
sunburned Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I appreciate what you're saying, herself. I refrained from wishing happy holidays/happy birthday because I knew it was in both our interest to remain NC. At the same time, when he didn't reach out for b'day/holidays, I couldn't help but wonder whether he cared. I can only hope he was applying the same logic and respect that I was. If there's any doubt in your mind ... yes, you are doing the right thing by not making excuses for contact. Big hug : ) 1
soundsfamilar Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 herself, i understand what you are trying to say.. so many people have posted on this forum about how they wonder if the ex ever thinks about them, etc. so just because for some reason today people sound prickly about this subject, don't feel like your judged by everyone. it's completely normal to wonder about these things. that it's ultimately better to move on and stop caring what the ex thinks is a given… but knowing what you *should* do doesn't always make it magically happen, does it? we all know that and i'm going to presume we all struggle with the process to some degree. your post is meant to be kind, you clarify your own emotions to those who may be dealing with NC. i personally received an email a week ago from my exMM, in which he told me that he's struggling with all the feelings that were between us, that they didn't just disappear when he made his decision to stay in his M. did it start up the thoughts again? yes, a little. but it was also healing, i felt a little less devastated afterwards, knowing it wasn't all a charade. that what we felt during our year together wasn't just in my head. the silence of NC can sometimes make us imagine that the other person is completely callous, cold and unloving… in some cases they may be, but silence doesn't automatically mean they don't care. it means they are caught in the same impossible situation we're in and need to move on to survive. 2
carhill Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 OP, didn't read any priors so am guessing here....you're a single OW, right? IME, both as an OM and MM, it appears the psychology of single affair participants can trend to marked differences from that of married affair participants, like MOW, MOM, in that more emotional energy is available and directed towards the affair as opposed to 'splits' where families have some or substantial investment of energy. When I was a young romantic, I used to think about such things like you're sharing, the machinations of what I guessed other people felt and supposed they perceived of me when we were NC. In reality, that's all nebulous. IMO, it's the one that's actually there at the end, holding one's hand as the light slips away, that's 'real'. The rest? Hopefully some meaningful and pleasant memories. 1
MorbidFever Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Agree with soundsfamilar. Also, sometimes the silence is because the xOW/xMM cares about the other person's wellbeing. I know how damaging it was to xMM for me to remain in contact (even though I seriously debated being friends with him). I really wanted that, but came to realize it would just hurt him, and possibly me, even more. I don't think one can truly move on unless all forms of contact are really over. That does not mean you still don't think of the person. In xMM's last email to me, he said he relives everything in his mind every day, every night. He wondered if he is mentally sick. I think the memories will lesson, but will always be there and resurface on occasion. They will diminish though. About two weeks ago I had a strange dream. Also in xMM's email, the said he thinks he will see me again one day. In my dream, we saw each other and talked for awhile, and I walked away. Since then, my thoughts of him throughout the day have decreased dramatically. I think this shows, our mind is our heart's worst enemy.
XenoMouse Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 herself...i found your post very helpful as im a guy who feels like ive just been walked out on and that she is cold and doesnt care at all. I think one of the main reasons i feel this way was because of the way she ended it. She is a MW and we've gone back and forth a few times with NC and some LC but recently she said all contact had to stop. She didnt say it was because it was what she wanted but because (probably due to 2 DDays and a confession) it would seriously upset her husband if he found out we even said Hi to each other. She said she no further communication was going to happen, she wasnt going to respond, and that she was done. Since then its been nothing and i feel like shes just turned her back on me completely and killed all the emotion to easily slip back into her marriage. Since then ive felt like some kind of half alive half dead zombie pining and wondering whether she cares or not or if it has affected her as much as it has affected me. I've noticed that it seems like women are usually the ones who decide to go NC whether they be OW or MWs. I havent seen any posts of OMs going NC or MMs completely breaking it off...it seems like us men will just continue down a destructive path forever whereas women tend to recognize and put an effort in to stop it. Just an observation.
Author herself Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I am a MW who had 13 year EA with MM. Friendship was more prevalent than romance but we did emotionally cross the line w/ sexual overtones. Anyways, I ended it when he was dping 180's & struggling with guilt. I knew we had to put it to an end and as a result, the "romance" was put to rest but the thing that shreds my heart is that now a friendship is impossible and we HAVE to be cold. I know he feels we can be friends but I know its a slippery slope likely to land us back on the rollercoaste. I will be sad and have regret forever. I loved him and cutting him out of my life is hurtful and unnatural but I dont see an alternative. I am glad it helped some people to know "she" still does care in her silence. Its a brutal thing thanks for reading.
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