Lost the urge to reconcile. Accepting the truth of what I didn't want to see

[rosedl]

Basically, he has serious commitment issues (long term stuff that goes far outside our ex-relationship), and he also seems personality disordered in some way. In any case, it was tough to have a clear perspective with him because when he was in the relationship, he was a great boyfriend, affectionate/generous/caring/giving/playful/passionate. The problem is that he could go from long term planning a future into 'this might not work' as if someone turned a switch. He broke up with me once and then, returned, vowed change, owned everything. Five months later he did it all over again.

 

He was taking space for two months and a month ago we ended it. This has been the first full week of no contact and it has been very healing. I don't have the urge to contact him anymore (except the occasional thought of revenge for his behavior, but believe me, it is just a thought, not anything I really want to do and it leaves quickly). I am able to look at it far more objectively, and better yet, I am not pining to see him, talk to him, or wanting to reconcile.

 

I know now (not just trying to convince myself, but know) that he is not capable of true intimacy, he has a lot of resentment and anger he is holding and he is really out of touch and dismissive of his own emotions. Of course, he can't have compassion for me, he doesn't have it for himself. I blamed myself so much because I do struggle with co-dependency issues but I also worked really hard in this relationship to own my stuff and immediately apologize and make repairs if I acted inappropriately from that place. But, even if I struggled or became needy for fifteen minutes (literally), he would push me away and punish me and withhold for a month. So, of course, my fears started to get compounded. Before the break up, I went to him and called him out on his withholding and patterns that were driving a lot of our relationship issues but somehow always seemed to fall onto me instead of him. Like I said, I don't mind looking at my behavior, apologizing, owning, working to improve, but it seemed all we talked about was me. Instead of owning it when I confronted him, it made everything worse and he proceeded to blame me more and finalized the break up and would not look at or own any of the stuff I brought to him. Instead he told me how much he liked himself....beautiful, he was being a withholding mean passive aggressive jerk, and all he could think to say is...I like myself warts and all. It was a weird reply. I wasn't telling him not to like himself. I was telling him how his behavior was hurting us, me and him and trying not to attack him but bring it to him so we could move forward. I tried very hard not to attack him as a person. He got meaner and meaner near the end.

 

Finally, all of that is sinking in. Instead of focusing on the guy I loved who hasn't shown any presence in five months, it shifted into seeing the person who has dumped me twice (both at vulnerable times, the first time, I forgave him right away and spent a month in the ICU with him as his Dad died...he paid me back by doing it all over again). And, when that focus shifted, all this stuff I had dismissed or ignored came flooding back.

 

There is something wrong there. A meanness that gets suppressed and put aside...like he was building resentments the whole time and didn't say anything and then, slammed the door in my face.

 

It is a relief in a way. No more listening to him pout because he doesn't have enough time to ski or climb mountains and how I don't meet the outdoor person type for him (I friggin climbed mountains with him numerous times, took up x country skiing, and would tandem bike ride with him because it was what he loved, and he let me know it wasn't near enough. No more dealing with his semi-creepy relationship with his daughter (whom I like) as he makes her his sole support system. The only person he was truly close with besides me. Nor more always feeling like he was ready to jump up and get out to exercise, if we had an easy day.

 

It's been a big shift. So much grief, I am surprised that it is starting to recede and the perspective shift is coming so soon

[jjc82]

Great to hear. Sounds like you're on your way to making a full and healthy recovery.

 

My ex also refused to own up to her wrongdoings. Every time I would come to her with sadness or anger over something she did and said, it would become my fault for doing X or Y that made her say or do that thing in the first place. That really starts messing with you after some time.