forgetmenot75 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I resumed dating a guy 3 months ago (we met December 2012 but we've been no contact a lot of times) It all went good this time, until he got closer to me. He told me he was growing attached and then he pulled away. He started looking for other women online, and not texting me, saying he is busy etc. I then went crazy chasing him and it turned out a total disaster. He gives me some, then he pulls away. always the same behavior. We met yesterday because I almost forced him to meet me and it was not very good. I feel sad about my behavior but it was a response to his. Now, I want to start feeling less attached to him. I'd like not to get sad or mad at him because of his behavior (him not wanting to see me, him flirting around, him not telling me the truth). I don't want to block him, I've done that in the past. I just want to distance myself from the relationship because I feel he's making me feel really sad. How can I do this? I managed to not get attached when I knew he was pursuing me but at this time, the relationship has become sour and we're both hurting each other. PLease, advice.
pteromom Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Feelings follow actions. If you want to feel distanced and less attached, you need to distance yourself from him, and detach from him. At first it will be painful. Then slowly, it will get better. I am sorry you are hurting.
CaliBabe Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 New hobbies, new friends, bettering yourself. This will help your confidence and help you distance. 1
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Main problem is that I wait for him to text me, but he doesn't, then I start chasing him and it's a disaster. I need to refrain myself from contacting him. I really need some space to think with clarity. I don't want to text him.
pickflicker Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I resumed dating a guy 3 months ago (we met December 2012 but we've been no contact a lot of times) It all went good this time, until he got closer to me. He told me he was growing attached and then he pulled away. He started looking for other women online, and not texting me, saying he is busy etc. I then went crazy chasing him and it turned out a total disaster. He gives me some, then he pulls away. always the same behavior. We met yesterday because I almost forced him to meet me and it was not very good. I feel sad about my behavior but it was a response to his. Now, I want to start feeling less attached to him. I'd like not to get sad or mad at him because of his behavior (him not wanting to see me, him flirting around, him not telling me the truth). I don't want to block him, I've done that in the past. I just want to distance myself from the relationship because I feel he's making me feel really sad. How can I do this? I managed to not get attached when I knew he was pursuing me but at this time, the relationship has become sour and we're both hurting each other. PLease, advice. "It went well this time". Firstly, I'm assuming that this push-pull has been going on since you met him. That's the impression I get. Over a year? Danger, Will Robinson... Therefore, it hasn't gone well this time, has it, if the behaviour is still present? Don't you think blocking him and removing him from your life permanently is a better solution? Why detach when you can give him the boot? Think about it...
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 "It went well this time". Firstly, I'm assuming that this push-pull has been going on since you met him. That's the impression I get. Over a year? Danger, Will Robinson... Therefore, it hasn't gone well this time, has it, if the behaviour is still present? Don't you think blocking him and removing him from your life permanently is a better solution? Why detach when you can give him the boot? Think about it... Well, because, as he said to me: "we are each other's drug, we'll always run into each other" I don't want to block him again. I'd like to feel detached from this relationship. this way, we'd both be happier. How can I make him feel closer and at the same time, distance myself from the situation? Is it ok to disappear for one week or so, so I'll give him the space he needs and that'll help me to regain my self?
Zahara Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) Well, because, as he said to me: "we are each other's drug, we'll always run into each other" I don't want to block him again. I'd like to feel detached from this relationship. this way, we'd both be happier. How can I make him feel closer and at the same time, distance myself from the situation? Is it ok to disappear for one week or so, so I'll give him the space he needs and that'll help me to regain my self? The thing is, you can't feel detached from this no matter how much time you put in between for one clear and simple reason -- you have expectations. You can stay away for a week, find some stability and he'll come around and rope you back in and the moment he has you where he wants you, the pattern repeats itself. It's futile. He doesn't want to feel closer. You can't make him and even if you did, it would be a fleeting moment until he regains control of you. If he wanted to feel closer, he would have stayed closer and he would have never left. He would not feel the need to date other women. You wouldn't have to force the man to meet you. Why do you continue to subject yourself to these emotionally unavailable men? People that play the push and pull game use it as a manipulation tool to control. You are addicted to him because you can't have him and the inability for you to receive any sort of validation from him makes you chase and hunger for acceptance. He is addicted to you because you're easy prey, a woman that boosts his ego and someone like him thrives on the validation he receives from women like you. It inflates him and makes him feel desired. Sadly, that's all he needs. It isn't you that he needs and wants, it's the attention that you give him. And of course you didn't get attached when he was pursuing you. Your ego was elevated and you felt in control. When he stops chasing, you lose control, freak out and chase. More than a year, nothing has changed. Edited January 27, 2014 by Zahara 1
Eau Claire Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Either stop seeing him or suffer. Are you 16 years old? If you want to vent, then fine. If you think there is some 'answer', then you need a reality check.
pickflicker Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) Well, because, as he said to me: "we are each other's drug, we'll always run into each other" I don't want to block him again. I'd like to feel detached from this relationship. this way, we'd both be happier. How can I make him feel closer and at the same time, distance myself from the situation? Is it ok to disappear for one week or so, so I'll give him the space he needs and that'll help me to regain my self? You have GOT to be kidding me. "We're each other's drug?" Please. You can't detach from him. You haven't been able to in a year and he still gets to treat you like his sex back-scratcher. To be deployed every time he has an itch. "Drug". SMH... Edited January 27, 2014 by pickflicker 2
Simon Phoenix Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Is this the same guy that brought you to this site? 2
jjc82 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 You have GOT to be kidding me. "We're each other's drug?" Please. You can't detach from him. You haven't been able to in a year and he still gets to treat you like his sex back-scratcher. To be deployed every time he has an itch. "Drug". SMH... Then start thinking of him as a drug: something that gives you a temporary high but overtime degrades your health and quality of life. 1
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Is this the same guy that brought you to this site? It's the same one. We've been on and off mostly, we've built something the last three months but he has issues and pulls away. It's not me, it's him. I guess I just can't fix him, and he's not going to change.
Zahara Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 It's the same one. We've been on and off mostly, we've built something the last three months but he has issues and pulls away. It's not me, it's him. I guess I just can't fix him, and he's not going to change. You can't fix him. Focus on fixing your own issues and your own "change". 1
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 It's the same one. We've been on and off mostly, we've built something the last three months but he has issues and pulls away. It's not me, it's him. I guess I just can't fix him, and he's not going to change. It's been three months. You haven't built anything, this is a typical cycle in the rinse-and-repeat relationship. It has everything to do with you, too. You think this kind of sociopathic behaviour is completely acceptable in a relationship. It isn't. You can't fix him. If he's a typical rinse-and-repeater, a therapist will have a hard time fixing him as well. There's nothing worth salvaging here. I found stuff in my fridge that was older than 3 months the other day. Please, for the love of sanity, just walk away from him.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 It's been three months. You haven't built anything, this is a typical cycle in the rinse-and-repeat relationship. It has everything to do with you, too. You think this kind of sociopathic behaviour is completely acceptable in a relationship. It isn't. You can't fix him. If he's a typical rinse-and-repeater, a therapist will have a hard time fixing him as we There's nothing worth salvaging here. I found stuff in my fridge that was older than 3 months the other day. Please, for the love of sanity, just walk away from him. I hear you all. I just dont want to block him again. I need to stop the attachment but in other ways. I really need to stop the attachment.
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I hear you all. I just dont want to block him again. I need to stop the attachment but in other ways. I really need to stop the attachment. What you ask is impossible. You've been attached for over 12 months. Why don't you want to block him again? Look at what he's reduced you to.
Zahara Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I hear you all. I just dont want to block him again. I need to stop the attachment but in other ways. I really need to stop the attachment. You start breaking the attachment by severing all ties and that means blocking. That is the utmost crucial and fool proof way to help you detach. No other way. Stop making excuses. You don't want to block because you want that door open so that if/when he comes back, you will be available. Edited January 28, 2014 by Zahara
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 It's the same one. We've been on and off mostly, we've built something the last three months but he has issues and pulls away. It's not me, it's him. I guess I just can't fix him, and he's not going to change. Well yeah, that's pretty much the same thing as what happened before. I mean, you know the answer to the question but you keep ignoring it for some reason. He reciprocates contact when he wants to get laid and that's the way it will always be. Not sure why you refuse to see this.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I hear you all. I just dont want to block him again. I need to stop the attachment but in other ways. I really need to stop the attachment. You won't be able to do this. You don't have the strength or will-power. I mean, you are this guy's playtoy at this point. I don't see you all of a sudden getting some sort of strength. You don't want to cut him off because you have this ridiculous misguided notion that eventually he'll become what you want him to become. It doesn't work that way because there's absolutely no reason for him to become what you want him to become. I mean, you can't even leave the man alone to let him think -- you continously break NC and wonder why you keep reverting to the exact same stage. He has absolutely no motivation to change. Why should he when you'll just cave anyway? 1
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 I cant block him. Im scared.
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I cant block him. Im scared. Well, you can't live like this, can you? You need to change your number, change your social media, the whole lot. Disappear. And go see a therapist.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 No. I cant live like this anymore. Therapist not helping.
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 No. I cant live like this anymore. Therapist not helping. Well then maybe you need to consider blocking him.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Im so scared. I know i should not contact. I know i should stay sane but im addicted.
Author forgetmenot75 Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Ok. Blocking now. Please help me stay strong. Im scared of myself.
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