paris4 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 It sounds like a lot of guys start dating multiple girls before committing to one. I was just curious how that works? If you wanted to keep dating all the girls then do you date one girl each week. Would you still initiate and try to maintain conversation with all of them daily or do you just talk to the one you like the most and let the other ones do the chasing? Etc. Thanks!
Aquanut Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I've only managed it when things were very casual as in just occasional dating- maybe a couple of dates a month at most. Say I wanted to go see a particular band, I would invite one of them out to that- the one who would be the most interested. I might invite another to go hiking. And another might invite me out to something. So it has to be very casual and infrequent dating to work (for me). I would not be comfortable being physical with more than one woman so by the time sex is in the air I'd start focusing on that particular person to the exclusion of others.
Disco Lemonade Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The biggest piece of advice I would start off with is that you need to let each person know once you have decided that they are not the person for you. It will make you feel better and is also the right thing to do by them. When you first start dating, neither person has a commitment to the other, but I feel like you still have a responsibility to treat each person the right way. I would not try to pursue things with all of them long term, only short. Try talking to all of them, even if you are handling multiple text conversations at once, but focus on dating only one person at a time while maintaining communication with the others. If you develop strong feelings for one person, make sure that you do not string the other people along.
hasaquestion Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Its simple. Dates don't mean anything. If someone says "no" to a date, it means no. If someone says "yes" to a date, it means either "yes" or "maybe". That goes both ways, she isn't signing up for some kind of exclusivity by getting drinks with you. 1. Go on dates with person A 2. Go on dates with person B Repeat... If a relationship is meant to be exclusive to any degree, that will become obvious in time. Until then, worrying about being 'faithful' to people you go on dates with, outside of avoiding blatant promiscuity, is a bad attitude to have. Its unhealthy for you and puts a lot of pressure on the other person.
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Did multi-dating once and it was also the last time. Maintained the same level of interest until I decided which one I would concentrate on. I was open about the fact that I was dating someone else. Dated one on different days, never both on same. In the end, both ladies were very nice, but had to choose. I simply told the other one that I was going to concentrate on the lady I had chosen...uncomfortable feeling. In the end, I rejected someone for no other reason than minor preferences. Ugh. Promised that I would not put myself or anyone else through that again. Ultimately didn't work out with the one I chose. But, I'm better off from the experience. 3
hasaquestion Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Did multi-dating once and it was also the last time. Maintained the same level of interest until I decided which one I would concentrate on. I was open about the fact that I was dating someone else. Dated one on different days, never both on same. In the end, both ladies were very nice, but had to choose. I simply told the other one that I was going to concentrate on the lady I had chosen...uncomfortable feeling. In the end, I rejected someone for no other reason than minor preferences. Ugh. Promised that I would not put myself or anyone else through that again. Ultimately didn't work out with the one I chose. But, I'm better off from the experience. Well here's the thing - how much "commitment" did the women involved show towards you? It sounds from your description like they were both ready to be exclusive at some level, so when you made the decision to "choose one", the whole thing was mutual. But when you go on a first couple of dates, the girl may not be ready for that. Which is what I was trying to caution against. And even if they are - why are you ready for that? Perhaps you don't know them all that well yet.
somedude81 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I'd like to try multi-dating this year. Maybe even have a relationship with a couple of girls at once. It's a lofty goal but something I'd like to try at least once in my life. 1
pickflicker Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The same way girls do. Talk to a couple, go out on a few dates, wait for one to take your fancy, if not, say thanks, pick a new pool. Easy.
Author paris4 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 so the women were ok with hearing from a guy/going on dates once a month? It sounds exhausting trying to keep communication with several people everyday.
Disco Lemonade Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 so the women were ok with hearing from a guy/going on dates once a month? It sounds exhausting trying to keep communication with several people everyday. Well, unless you have had any conversations about commitment, you need to realize that you may be only one of the guys she is seeing too. Works both ways. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Well here's the thing - how much "commitment" did the women involved show towards you? It sounds from your description like they were both ready to be exclusive at some level, so when you made the decision to "choose one", the whole thing was mutual. But when you go on a first couple of dates, the girl may not be ready for that. Which is what I was trying to caution against. And even if they are - why are you ready for that? Perhaps you don't know them all that well yet. Both ladies didn't want to date someone who was multi-dating. I was honest about the fact that I was, but both stayed with me until I decided. Never the less, the experience was not pleasant....
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 There's 3,500,000,000 women in the world. Think about that number... Or don't think about that absurd number which has NO tangible relevance to you, the individual in terms of having a relationship. Only the tiniest number from that 3.5+ billion is potentially a partner. Be real....
Phantom888 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I can only date casually (with no sex) multiple women, or I would feel like I'm lying or cheating. I dated 3 women at the same time.... I would go to dinner with each one probably once a week, until I develop deep feelings with one of them, then I'll have sex with her. I kiss all of them no problem, and that allows me to determine the chemistry. I can't keep up the multi-dating for long, because I can figure out who is right within a month.
hasaquestion Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Or don't think about that absurd number which has NO tangible relevance to you, the individual in terms of having a relationship. Only the tiniest number from that 3.5+ billion is potentially a partner. Be real.... Americans: 310,000,000 Take out men: 155,000,000 Assume 20% are 30-50 y/o: 31,000,000 Assume 40% are unmarried: 12,500,000 Assume you are in a city and 1% are within an hour drive: 125,000 Assume you are in the country and the population density is 1% of that of a city: 1,250 All conservative assumptions. Whatever way you slice it, there is no lack of supply of single people who medically qualify as women. 2
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 You almost got it right. The only difference is that I don't commit to one woman. God, no. That's just setting yourself up for heartbreak. I instead commit to multiple women. I usually keep 4 to 5 in my rotation at all times. I make them feel special and they all think I "love" them. Anytime one or two start slacking or misbehaving, simply replace them with another. That way, I'm always getting laid when I want to. Only commit if you want marriage and all that crap. I really like this way of thought. Frankly I don't want to be at the mercy of one woman and be in a relationship where somebody else has all the power. I was in a relationship, my first one, a while ago and I felt like I wasn't getting enough out of it just by being with her. I definitely had enough time and energy to have room for another girl. A big reason why we broke up was because she felt that I liked her a lot more than she did, and she felt guilty about that. Now if I were dating two girls maybe I wouldn't have been as smothering or whatever with my ex and we'd still be together. Who knows. Right now the challenge is getting a few girls to be interested in me.
avoforastig Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 With all this thought of multi-dating, do you think it induces somewhat of a, "grass is always greener," mentality in regards to people? Obviously, none of us are perfect. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman with supermodel looks, comedian sense of humor, and brain surgeon intelligence who likes to drink beer, watch sports, and cook. I do think multi-dating can lead to the grass is always greener mentality and cause you to be more indecisive. What's really the point of multi-dating? Is it just a mechanism to prevent yourself from getting hurt? After a few dates, I think the picture becomes pretty clear whether to pursue or find that greener grass. I'm not opposed to multi-dating but it might just be a form of procrastination.
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 With all this thought of multi-dating, do you think it induces somewhat of a, "grass is always greener," mentality in regards to people? Obviously, none of us are perfect. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman with supermodel looks, comedian sense of humor, and brain surgeon intelligence who likes to drink beer, watch sports, and cook. I do think multi-dating can lead to the grass is always greener mentality and cause you to be more indecisive. What's really the point of multi-dating? Is it just a mechanism to prevent yourself from getting hurt? After a few dates, I think the picture becomes pretty clear whether to pursue or find that greener grass. I'm not opposed to multi-dating but it might just be a form of procrastination. I see multi-dating as a backup plan. When my ex left me I was devastated. If I had another girlfriend, I wouldn't have been nearly as crushed by the loss.
pickflicker Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I see multi-dating as a backup plan. When my ex left me I was devastated. If I had another girlfriend, I wouldn't have been nearly as crushed by the loss. Until they both dump you when they find out about one another. I'm still worried about your attitude to dating. It's all about you, and nothing to do with them. This will spell failure more than anything else. It's one thing to casually date a few people over the course of a few months (that's just smart - you don't look for a job one at a time, why casually date one at a time?), but quite another to have multiple girlfriends and have them believe that they are the only one.
somedude81 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Until they both dump you when they find out about one another. Heh, I'd cross that bridge when I come to it. I just think I have to make sure to remember what girl was wearing what panties. I'm still worried about your attitude to dating. It's all about you, and nothing to do with them.I would do everything I possibly can to make sure all their needs and desires are fulfilled. Or is that still not enough? This will spell failure more than anything else. It's one thing to casually date a few people over the course of a few months (that's just smart - you don't look for a job one at a time, why casually date one at a time?), but quite another to have multiple girlfriends and have them believe that they are the only one.If I can do it without having to lie, then it will be great. Right now it's purely a pipe dream. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have more than one official girlfriend. But! I could be much more selective in who I choose to eventually become that girlfriend. As much as I liked my ex and how amazing I thought she was, I did kind of feel that I settled for her because I had no other options. If I had been dating at least one other girl, I probably would not have picked my ex simply because she lived far away and we'd only see each other a few times a week. So that is what multi-dating can do. Damn, now I'm really wondering how last year could have been if I had chosen a different girl.
Aquanut Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 With all this thought of multi-dating, do you think it induces somewhat of a, "grass is always greener," mentality in regards to people? Obviously, none of us are perfect. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman with supermodel looks, comedian sense of humor, and brain surgeon intelligence who likes to drink beer, watch sports, and cook. I do think multi-dating can lead to the grass is always greener mentality and cause you to be more indecisive. What's really the point of multi-dating? Is it just a mechanism to prevent yourself from getting hurt? After a few dates, I think the picture becomes pretty clear whether to pursue or find that greener grass. I'm not opposed to multi-dating but it might just be a form of procrastination. It's to have fun doing things you like with people you like. Believe it or not, a relationship is not the end goal of all dating. One woman likes live music. One likes hiking and the outdoors. One likes movies. One likes cerebral conversations. Another just likes to **** with no strings attached. Why shouldn't you do all of those things if you want? 2
hasaquestion Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 With all this thought of multi-dating, do you think it induces somewhat of a, "grass is always greener," mentality in regards to people? Obviously, none of us are perfect. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a woman with supermodel looks, comedian sense of humor, and brain surgeon intelligence who likes to drink beer, watch sports, and cook. I do think multi-dating can lead to the grass is always greener mentality and cause you to be more indecisive. What's really the point of multi-dating? Is it just a mechanism to prevent yourself from getting hurt? After a few dates, I think the picture becomes pretty clear whether to pursue or find that greener grass. I'm not opposed to multi-dating but it might just be a form of procrastination. Funny, I'd say precisely the opposite. Is the grass greener on the other side? Good question. Well, date 10 different girls and you'll be closer to finding out. Part of a healthy relationship is having reasonable expectations, understanding how you should treat her and how she should treat you. Dating experience helps form that perspective. And frankly, if you don't date a decent number of girls, you won't get good at understanding them and knowing how to show them a good time/make them laugh/etc through practice. Which, like with every single thing in life, is the best way to learn. 1
RedRobin Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm a girl, but I can tell you... Just be as vague as possible about your intentions... or lie outright. It usually takes at least a month or two for most women to see through the stories. Most women will have sex with a guy before then if she finds you attractive... and lots of women won't want to be 'wrong' about you. She'll probably keep having sex with you for quite awhile while she figures out if you are trustworthy or not. Instead of trying to figure out in advance if you are. *shrug* If you have kids or a job she can't check on, make something up... that you have to work late or the kid has some out of state game. Ask her what day she has available first... when she tells you, say "oh darn! That's the day I had available" and book that time with your other lady(s). Go back and forth like this until you establish their schedule. Put her on a schedule. Put them all on a schedule so they don't ask about the days you don't see them and won't be calling or texting during that time. Makes things a lot easier.
georgecostanza Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I've done this and it was easy. A case of just dating whoever was free that night or fit an activity, keeping fairly regular contact with all of them. It's SO EXPENSIVE though. 1
winny Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 If a guy tells me that he is seeing other women at the same time as me... I would be grossed out by the thought that his is holding hands, kissing and even making out with 2/3 other girls along with me and my interest level will go down. I think its ok to meet n number of girls/guys, until you are just talking... but once things start getting physical... its weird... Just don't kiss on dates unless you are sure... Personally I cannot bring myself to kissing more than one guy at a time. Not being needy, clingy, whiny - these characteristics should be cultivated irrespective of how many other options you have. If you are dependent on other back up dates to be less clingy... then I am sorry but you ARE clingy. 3
Aquanut Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I agree Winny. My multi dating was extremely casual. I didn't like the idea of being physical with more than one at a time so I wasn't. I might slmetimes be physical with one - if she was ok with it - while I got together with others but didn't get physical with them. I once ended up - accidentally - dating two women who were acquaintances and had mutual friends. One of the mutual friends stuck her nose in my business and told both women about each other. She was careful to tell my new interest that I wasn't doing anything wrong because I wasn't in a committed relationship with her friend but just thought she should be aware. I was not aware of this communication. My new interest asked me about my opinions on dating multiple people - testing me I guess. I told her I was seeing someone but it was super casual. We had gone out maybe 6 times over the past few months and had only kissed once. I told my new interest that I was interested in getting to know her better and was planning to take my leave from the other girl. I actually did what I said I was going to do. It's a good thing because she would have easily caught me in a lie because of her source of information. I now have a fantastic relationship with the woman who was my new interest. Edited January 28, 2014 by Aquanut
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