bobwhite007 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Try to stay and make it work when she wont even admit shes done wrong. She has done everything else right,shes gone back to who she was. She really has tried hard to show me love. I have tried really hard to let it go. Ijust dont know excatly what to let go. No doubt she cheated its obvious. As best i can tell its stopped. She will not admit anywrong doing. I tried to call his wife and she had her number changed. Im tring hard with not much success. I dontcare how much ic or mc you get if the truth wont be disclosed there will always be resentment. 2
janedoe67 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I see reconcilation as a DECISION (like the decision to stay, the decision to go, the decision to get into an A or not. Reconciliation is a decision made by two people to move forward. Resentment, like remorse, are emotions. You can make a decision slowly (like WS love to do in order to be in two relationships at the same time) or you can make a decision in a flash, to reconcile for example. But emotions do not respond like this to the demands we make on them internally. But both remorse and resentment need to be processed. This depends on each persons capacity to deal with their complex emotions. So I disagree with your blanket statement. I reconciled. I decided to forgive, and I am working on issues related to resentment, and trust. But these in no way dismiss that we have reconciled. For example as soon as I forgave, and asked my WS to move back into the family home WHEN SHE WAS READY (we agreed on a "structure separation" so that each could work on personal issues with some space) I had this incredible weight removed from my mind: I no longer needed to think about the AP, the A, the sex, the EA, triggers pratically disappeared, almost no intrusions at night. And we are have moved from talking about THEM to talking about US. But all that said, if in the future there is clear evidence that she slips back into ambivalence then I will walk, no discussion, no re-negotiation, no looking at what might have caused it. I walk. (One thing is to forgive, another is to forgive AGAIN!) So I believe it's possible to reconcile but still work through resentments, remorse, trust, security, safety, persistent vigilance... For those who are post d-day recently I agree. My h still struggled at times with resentment a couple of years after. I think that is normal. But for people who are together 6, 8, 10 years later and still seething, still poking, still using it as an argument trump card (providing the remorseful FWS has done the work)... That is not reconciliation. 2
Ap22 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) I almost 3 months out from dday and doing quite well.....relatively speaking. Relatively speaking.....thats the key term. Last night my WW said she wanted to get back to the way we were. I told her we would never be back to the way we were. What she did forever changed us and our marriage. I feel like my life, my feeling, my marriage will be fine.....relatively speaking. I do still harbor resentment towards her and everyday I find myself in a struggle against myself in regards to my feelings towards her. I look at her and see the love of my life, but at the same time, I see a woman who actively tried to destroy me to my core. How can you not harbor resentment to someone like that? However, it is fading but like all things, it just takes time. It certainly helps that she is genuinely remorseful and tries showing me everyday how sorry she is. That being said, she knows she used her only second chance. I let her know upfront that the decision to R with her was mine and mine alone. I made the decision for my children first, her second. I told her that I already lost her, already felt the pain of that, and that leaving her in the future would be much easier. She is lucky to get a second chance, she absolutely will not get a third. She has been made well aware that the second she makes me unhappy in life, I am gone without hesitation. I told her she better make sure she is in R with me because of me and me alone. Not the kids, financial security, or for the sake of being married, but only because she is in love with me. If she does it for any other reason, its doomed to fail. I told her I used to always fear losing her. I now no longer fear losing her. Everyday I feel like Smeagol/Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I'm constantly fighting with myself in regards to how I feel towards her. I want to kiss her/no you dont, she disgusts you. I want to hug her/dont touch her, let her hug you.....I want to love her/no she doesnt love you, she cheated on you.... Ah, the joys of infidelity... Edited January 28, 2014 by Ap22 4
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Holy crap. So close to my feelings about my WH. Wow.THe Lord of the Rings reference: spot on. Nailed it. Hug me. Get the hell away from me, I don't want to hug you. kiss me..eew...you bastard..how many times did you kiss her and her diseased lips? *shudder* I go back and forth so much. It's like being trapped in a nightmare. I almost 3 months out from dday and doing quite well.....relatively speaking. Relatively speaking.....thats the key term. Last night my WW said she wanted to get back to the way we were. I told her we would never be back to the way we were. What she did forever changed us and our marriage. I feel like my life, my feeling, my marriage will be fine.....relatively speaking. I do still harbor resentment towards her and everyday I find myself in a struggle against myself in regards to my feelings towards her. I look at her and see the love of my life, but at the same time, I see a woman who actively tried to destroy me to my core. How can you not harbor resentment to someone like that? However, it is fading but like all things, it just takes time. It certainly helps that she is genuinely remorseful and tries showing me everyday how sorry she is. That being said, she knows she used her only second chance. I let her know upfront that the decision to R with her was mine and mine alone. I made the decision for my children first, her second. I told her that I already lost her, already felt the pain of that, and that leaving her in the future would be much easier. She is lucky to get a second chance, she absolutely will not get a third. She has been made well aware that the second she makes me unhappy in life, I am gone without hesitation. I told her she better make sure she is in R with me because of me and me alone. Not the kids, financial security, or for the sake of being married, but only because she is in love with me. If she does it for any other reason, its doomed to fail. I told her I used to always fear losing her. I now no longer fear losing her. Everyday I feel like Smeagol/Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I'm constantly fighting with myself in regards to how I feel towards her. I want to kiss her/no you dont, she disgusts you. I want to hug her/dont touch her, let her hug you.....I want to love her/no she doesnt love you, she cheated on you.... Ah, the joys of infidelity... 3
road Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 For those who are post d-day recently I agree. My h still struggled at times with resentment a couple of years after. I think that is normal. But for people who are together 6, 8, 10 years later and still seething, still poking, still using it as an argument trump card (providing the remorseful FWS has done the work)... That is not reconciliation. It takes more for the WW to stop bophing her OM for her BH to heal. You are right the marriage was never recovered. For the recovery work was never done.
janedoe67 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 It takes more for the WW to stop bophing her OM for her BH to heal. You are right the marriage was never recovered. For the recovery work was never done. I realize youbelieve your psychic powers are always right, but I know of more than one FWS who stopped the A, went NC, expressed and felt true remorse, gave up all passwords, privacy, etc. Made husge life changes, quit a job, moved, and became dedicated to meeting their BS' every need. Years later one of them in particular is still being belittled, yelled at, told "be sure to wear a condom" every time they go to the grocery store, and used for sex while being told in no uncertain terms they are not loved, they are just a body. Anyone who would absolve THAT kind of BS has issues that I can't even begin to describe. There are quite a few people on forums whose spouse's infidelity was over up to decades ago who are still choosing to wave the victim banner, nurse resentment, and figure out how to do tests on the sly. No matter what the FWS did all those years ago, those BS's have some issues. They need to divorce and let go of their scapegoat/trump card, or grow up and start working on the marriage they said they wanted enough to stay. 2
Spark1111 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I have a very healthy ego, a straight A student mentality and my resentment was huge...... Until I could overcome it, our reconciliation was circling the toilet bowl.... It took me YEARS, almost three, to overcome thoughts that we did not deserve this, I did not deserve this....and our kids, crying into their pillows, did not deserve this. And we didn't..... We loved him. We supported him. I and he had sex twice a week, down from three and four times a week, which I chalked up to the pressures of his new, high-powered position, the one we had been praying for....during his affair. I worked three jobs so he could grow his business....so he could increase his self-esteem. I prayed that if he could be happier with himself, he would grow happier with us. he was battling depression and we all started walking on eggshells....ANYTHING to make dad happier....BIG mistake, and that is ON ME. he meets a co-worker, damsel in distress who needs his rescuing, and he responds. yes, my resentment was huge and almost a reconciliation deal breaker. 4
katielee Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I have a very healthy ego, a straight A student mentality and my resentment was huge...... yes, my resentment was huge and almost a reconciliation deal breaker. Spark- I love this post. My ego is so big it's unhealthy. And my resentment just might sink this ship. Good to know you finally got there... 3
road Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I realize youbelieve your psychic powers are always right, but I know of more than one FWS who stopped the A, went NC, expressed and felt true remorse, gave up all passwords, privacy, etc. Made husge life changes, quit a job, moved, and became dedicated to meeting their BS' every need. What psychic powers? I was making a generalized statement. The way a BH demands that his WW stop her affair. The WW must demand that her BH stop abusing her post D day. Then the work must be done to repair the broken trust. A WW can no longer keep secrets. Her BH needs to know where she is at. She has to live transparent. Love and feelings for each other need to be restored. Yet many balk at reading Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley and then his other book His Needs Her Needs. The WS not getting there needs met is quite often why the WS has an affair. The WS and the BS have to relearn to meet each others needs and to accept the efforts of their spouse to meet them as well. Nothing psychic about why recovery post affairs fails. Lot of hard work. Not a pick and choose what I like. Which means I will only do what is easy to repair the damage. 1
janedoe67 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 It takes more for the WW to stop bophing her OM for her BH to heal. THIS is what you said, the implication being that if there is resentment it must be because all the WW did was "stop bophing." That is not always the case.
road Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 THIS is what you said, the implication being that if there is resentment it must be because all the WW did was "stop bophing." That is not always the case. Doing one thing or even doing two or three things is not the same as doing every thing that needs to be done. However even when the WW has done all sometimes she has to call her BH on him being abusive. Just the way a BH would not accept his WW banging (here's another adjective for you) the OM. The WW must not accept her BH abusing her back post D day. So just what have you done to recover?
Fluttershy Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 THIS is what you said, the implication being that if there is resentment it must be because all the WW did was "stop bophing." That is not always the case. I actually read it the way road intended it. Reconciliation isn't just the ws stopping the affair. It is the BS forgiving and working past it too. And lotsa other stuff.
Author MuddyFootprints Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 I am reading that they are generally agreeing. There may be a bit of ego blocking the communication. . Thank you everyone for the insightful comments.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I found out yesterday that my husband still resents me for a list of about six reasons he feels he was right in having an affair for. He apologizes and then when I try to talk about my feeling he gets angry and starts a screaming match, I guess so he can continue to tell me why he had every right to cheat with his ex girlfriend, instead of divorcing me first. It happened again yesterday...seven months into this and I'm still being told I'm the cause of his affair and he has all this anger at me still.A new one yesterday was that I was nice to him by telling him I could take care of our son because he works all the time...so now I'm horrible for being f.ucking nice. Ridiculous. What about WS resentment of the BS? I'm pretty sure this is what's killed our marriage. WS tried a number of times to get me to admit I'd been less than faithful. I have never been unfaithful and he seems to resent me for it. I'm also not into porn and have been careful with money, none of which he can claim. I haven't hung that over him,it didn't even occur to me, but he kept asking. And he seems angry at me. He left after our MC told me I'd been through trauma. He was resentful that she said that, that I agreed. He resented me for wanting to talk through the affair stuff before the underlying marriage stuff - even though I had actually gone through that for 4 months in false reconciliation, previously. He resented me for wanting to work through affair issues.
Scott Thomas Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I think it's quote easy to ask a BS to end his/her resentment. Unless you're on the receiving end, things appear a bit different.
thummper Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 So, Muddy, what's your story? What happened to put you in reconciliation?
Author MuddyFootprints Posted February 9, 2014 Author Posted February 9, 2014 For those with idle curiosity... I'm not much of a writer, but I will try to tell my story as concisely as possible without rambling. I was in complete destruction mode when I had my affair. Past caring and full of blame and resentment, I made myself a victim and began to embrace that mentality. Though I had given up on everything, my husband didn't give up on me. He was always a pillar of strength, no matter the velocity of the mortar hurled in his direction. And, yes, I resented that, too, for a while. I am the one who asks "How?" and "Why?" He answers consistently and insistently, "Because I know you. I know your heart. I love you." I had always questioned his love for me and if I had to specify one single thing that changed the way I viewed his love for me, (after the way he has handled my infidelity) it was beginning to understand our individual love languages, and quite honestly, I had some physical intimacy issues that created most of our marital problems. Ultimately, it boiled down to intimate trust for the both of us. I trust him now more than I ever have. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. I know without a doubt that he loves me and I have begun to earn his trust back. **** After I left, he claimed this song was released for us: Stand up and Run - Billy Talent Oh I had a feeling Buried inside Covered beneath a Blanket of pride Oh I couldn't tell you How my heart felt inside In so little time Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Into my arms Chasing the bright lights This city got old You walked out of my life And into the cold It's hard to imagine that you'd Never come home Forever alone Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Into my arms Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Stand up and run Into my heart Can't you see there is no logic to love? And we're lost just like the stars up above If I'd only known how you'd make me feel I would kiss the ground that touches your heel After all these years of being apart Don't let reason try to tear us apart If the compass breaks then follow your heart And I hope it leads you right back into my arms (Stand up and run) And the time has past (Stand up and run) We'll still make it last (Stand up and run) And I hope this leads you right back into my arms Oh into my arms Oh I had a feeling Buried inside
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