MuddyFootprints Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The thread Is there Shame in Staying has me wondering about staying vs reconciliation. After my affair my husband and I were both very clear that just staying was not an option for either of us and that if we were going to remain married we had to be dedicated to reconciliation. Is true reconciliation possible while harboring resentment? Did you stay or did you reconcile? 1
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I reconciled and let go of resentment. For me that meant not being stuck on "deserving" or "entitlement". Realizing I got the raw end of the deal but didn't have to accept it. It didn't happen over night. Directing y thoughts to the positive helped to. And focusing on making myself a better person for me! Happiness from within and all that. So that if my husband failed on his end, somethig I have no control over, I knew I could walk. Disappointed that he let me down again but knowing it truly was not me but him. We reconciled. He did his part and I did mine (no BS jargon about te WS doing the heavy lifting. No putting ourselves in a box because of other "proffesional opinion" but finding what worked for us. 7
Owl Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I reconciled and let go of resentment. For me that meant not being stuck on "deserving" or "entitlement". Realizing I got the raw end of the deal but didn't have to accept it. It didn't happen over night. Directing y thoughts to the positive helped to. And focusing on making myself a better person for me! Happiness from within and all that. So that if my husband failed on his end, somethig I have no control over, I knew I could walk. Disappointed that he let me down again but knowing it truly was not me but him. We reconciled. He did his part and I did mine (no BS jargon about te WS doing the heavy lifting. No putting ourselves in a box because of other "proffesional opinion" but finding what worked for us. On the money. Same process here, to include the re-direction of thoughts in a more positive direction. I harbored some resentment for a short bit of time...but frankly, life is too short to live that way. I had the choice...be married to my wife, or not. I still have that choice every single day...and she wakes up each day with the same options I have. We've found that we love each other, and every day our relationship is wonderful...and worth keeping. If I ever feel that it's reached a point where it can't be fulfilling like that again...I'll take action to end it. I don't see that as a likely occurrence anytime in the the nearterm future though. I can be angry...or I can be happy. The choice is always mine to make. 8
waterwoman Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Resentment is inevitable to a certain extent. You have been hurt to the core by the one person you should be able to trust most. And inspite of this you are working towards reconciliation and forgiveness - that isn't easy. Any WS who is upset or surprised by that is a bit of a fool. However..... the resentment has to fade for reconciliation to flourish. As you see remorse from your spouse, as you see them trying to change themselves and reassure you, as you see their love for you in their deeds, resentment begins to lift like a cold mist as the sun comes up. Regarding the other thread, I can only assume that if you kicked your WS out on dday and filed for divorce, that is a sort of 'punishment' that may be helps to get rid of resentment PDQ. If H and I don't complete our reconciliation now and we get a divorce I don't see that I could resent him at all - he and I tried and any failure has to be laid at both our doors equally. 4
janedoe67 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I do not believe true reconciliation is possible with permanent, ongoing resentment. Staying married while resenting indefinitely is not reconciliation. At best it is self-flagellation. At worst it is indentured servitude and punishment. 7
tired girl Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I agree that resentment has to fade. I know that this has been my problem, I believe due to the length of what happened in our marriage. I have been actively working on letting go of what happened. 1
tired girl Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 That I stayed for so long when I knew what was going on, that he gas lighted me for so long, that there was emotional abuse that went on that involved our kids against me that I am still trying to repair. That in the end, it changed who I was.
BeingMe Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 What about WS resentment of the BS? I'm pretty sure this is what's killed our marriage. WS tried a number of times to get me to admit I'd been less than faithful. I have never been unfaithful and he seems to resent me for it. I'm also not into porn and have been careful with money, none of which he can claim. I haven't hung that over him,it didn't even occur to me, but he kept asking. And he seems angry at me. He left after our MC told me I'd been through trauma. He was resentful that she said that, that I agreed. He resented me for wanting to talk through the affair stuff before the underlying marriage stuff - even though I had actually gone through that for 4 months in false reconciliation, previously. He resented me for wanting to work through affair issues.
dichotomy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The resolution of resentment and reconciliation over the specific issue of WW lies and betrayals would have been possible, if there were not other issues she has ongoing in the marriage. Right or wrong these "other" post dDay issues are linked in my mind - and the resentment hinders full reconciliation. Maybe its my fault not being able to separate them.
Author MuddyFootprints Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Oh, I had my own resentments to let go of, too. I'm not suggesting I didn't. This is what I mean by true reconciliation. We have made a conscious effort to let old grudges die and are working very hard not to create fertile ground for new ones to grow. 2
janedoe67 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I can honestly say I had no resentment after my first affair...not about the work, not about the lack of trust in me, not about the anger, not about all the things I "gave up" or needed to do differently. I resented none of it. I welcomed the chance to do tangible things to make amends and rebuild. Years later, when I had worked my butt off and done everything and tried to become (again) the best wife I could and the marriage was the SAME sexless, adrift, affectionless, rudderless marriage we had had for years.... You bet your bottom I resented that. 5
KathyM Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) What about WS resentment of the BS? I'm pretty sure this is what's killed our marriage. WS tried a number of times to get me to admit I'd been less than faithful. I have never been unfaithful and he seems to resent me for it. I'm also not into porn and have been careful with money, none of which he can claim. I haven't hung that over him,it didn't even occur to me, but he kept asking. And he seems angry at me. He left after our MC told me I'd been through trauma. He was resentful that she said that, that I agreed. He resented me for wanting to talk through the affair stuff before the underlying marriage stuff - even though I had actually gone through that for 4 months in false reconciliation, previously. He resented me for wanting to work through affair issues. Sometimes, WS's can't handle having their behavior dissected in counseling. Their ego will not allow it. Sometimes, their pride will not allow them to work through what went wrong in the marriage and why they chose to cheat on their spouse. Some WS's are of the mindset that the BS just needs to get over it as fast as possible, and there should be nothing further said about it. What they fail to realize is that the BS needs to mentally/emotionally process the affair and what it means to their relationship. They also need to have time to grieve and be able to express that grief to their partner. They also need to be able to express their anger and whatever other emotions they are feeling as a result of the affair. Some WS's resent having to deal with the BS's feelings and emotions and processing of the affair. Some WS's feel the need to deflect their guilt by finding fault with the BS, and they don't like the feeling that their behavior has put them "one down" (in their opinion), and so they try to regain the power balance by finding fault with or projecting their guilt onto their BS. That is often why reconciliation does not work out, because the WS does not do what is necessary to help the BS to recover from the betrayal. Instead, the WS takes on a victim mentality, and projects their anger at themselves (or anger at being discovered) onto the BS, whereby the BS (in the mind of the WS) becomes the evil, unforgiving, shrew/tyrant for not "getting over it" fast enough, or for having lingering negative feelings about the betrayal. If the WS would allow the BS to grieve, and express their emotions about the betrayal, instead of expecting the BS to "get over it" or trying to sweep the emotions under the rug, and if the WS instead provided sympathy, understanding, accountability, and remorse, it would have a much better outcome in reconciling the relationship. Edited January 27, 2014 by KathyM 4
ladydesigner Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 As you see remorse from your spouse, as you see them trying to change themselves and reassure you, as you see their love for you in their deeds, resentment begins to lift like a cold mist as the sun comes up. I love this! While I have to admit I still harbor a tiny bit of resentment, mostly I feel the way waterwoman has described it. Since my WH has been showing remorse and has been reassuring me, my love for him and us gets stronger and stronger. We are both in this fight together to save our M. It does feel like we are a team again. 4
experiencethedevine Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I resented my husband enormously during the first year of our recovery. I was boiling regularly with the indignity of it all. Angry, frustrated and furious with him for bringing this 'gargoyle' into our lives and forcing me to deal with the consequences of it all. It takes on average about 2 years to recover from a seriously traumatic and life changing event, and that is what happened for us. 2 years later I had reached the point where all the above would either eat me up and I would leave my husband, or I would forgive his indiscretions and we would get on with our lives (even though we were, and still do occasionally, dealing with the behaviour of his other woman). I chose the latter, and have never looked back. We take each day and treasure it, revel in what we have and share our happiness with those we love and are close to. 5
katielee Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 If the WS would allow the BS to grieve, and express their emotions about the betrayal, instead of expecting the BS to "get over it" or trying to sweep the emotions under the rug, and if the WS instead provided sympathy, understanding, accountability, and remorse, it would have a much better outcome in reconciling the relationship. a effing men. yes, I have resentment. I think our recovery would be very different if he had just the one affair. The second one - and having to catch him at both - well, that brought us to within a millimeter of ending the marriage. It's going to take a LONG TIME, if I can do this at all. What is helping - I keep trying to turn my thoughts to the guy he was before this all happened. he didn't really know HOW to be a good husband but he tried. Hard. He thought it was all about being a provider. I don't resent him for this anymore, because he was doing the best he could and what he thought was right. He is also a good husband now, but he would never admit to what TG said in another thread that hit home for me today: how she let someone else's actions change the person she was and what a self betrayal that was. so yeah, I'm not sure I even resent the affairs anymore. I resent the fact that he doesn't own what he did. Probably no recovery if that's the case. 3
underpants Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 (edited) yes, I have resentment. he would never admit to what TG said in another thread that hit home for me today: how she let someone else's actions change the person she was and what a self betrayal that was. so yeah, I'm not sure I even resent the affairs anymore. I resent the fact that he doesn't own what he did. Probably no recovery if that's the case. Are you saying your actions (your affair, first) changed your H and his self betrayal was to cheat as well? ...and you resent him not 'owning' it? Edited January 28, 2014 by underpants
drifter777 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I went from resentment to contempt and back to resentment over the years. Resentment is as good as it's going to get. I don't know what "true reconciliation" means but I think I would know it if I felt it. 2
katielee Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Are you saying your actions (your affair, first) changed your H and his self betrayal was to cheat as well? ...and you resent him not 'owning' it? My resentment is that in his head the blame is shared between us for his affairs. So yes.
WhiteOrchid Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I think that if you are going to get to true reconciliation, then you have to eventually let go of the resentment. But this is only possible if the WS is completely remorseful, transparent and has put the boundaries in place to ensure it never happens again. And if the BS is absolutely sure they want to stay in the marriage (for the right reasons, i.e., not because they feel they are trapped with no other options). Of course the resentment isn't going to go away overnight, but it can't stay there forever poisoning you and what's left of your marriage because that is no way to live. I'm six months out and honestly, my H has shocked me with how much he has changed. And it has been consistent - he is trying so hard to make this marriage work it amazes me. He has turned into the husband I always dreamed of - in many ways we are happier and more connected now than we were even in the beginning of our relationship. It is mind-boggling really. If someone would have told me on D-Day this would happen (I had no desire to stay married to him after I discovered what he had done - I was positive cheating was a deal breaker that I could never forgive), I would have never believed it. I still have some resentment of course but it is going away the more time goes by and he continues to prove himself. It is very sad it took almost losing each other to realize how much we had to lose. I wish it hadn't taken his infidelity to force us to address the issues in our marriage. But that is the unfortunate reality that we have to live with. I think what helps me also is thinking that this is our "new" marriage, because of how differently we are doing things now, as if a reset button has been pushed. 7
underpants Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 My resentment is that in his head the blame is shared between us for his affairs. So yes. Well, I might agree with him. Have you two done counciling?
katielee Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Yes we've been in MC for 2 years. I didn't choose his actions. Just as he didn't cause mine. 3
aliveagain Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I had several resentments. The first is I resent the fact that I believed her. The second is that I resent the fact that she put in so much more effort deceiving me than she did on our relationship(I guess lying and finding believable excuse's to be out late or out of town is way more difficult). I resent that she didn't believe me when I said infidelity was a deal breaker and that telling me she's sorry should be enough to make up for the two years she spent as his f**k toy. I resent that she expected me to accept her affair child as mine. I resent that she wasted so many years of my time that I could have shared with someone else. She went from being my inspiration to succeed to being nothing of any importance, she just became another face in the crowd. It was easy to walk away from her forever because she never respected my word. 6
janedoe67 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'll say this: if I were a BS and my newly confronted or newly confessing WS got idignant about making amends or answering questions or "privacy" (aka secretive), I'd be SUPER resentful. I've seen more than one WS on forums rail about their "rights", and right after D-day....no. Humility and remorse. 6
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 I'm six months out and honestly, my H has shocked me with how much he has changed. And it has been consistent - he is trying so hard to make this marriage work it amazes me. He has turned into the husband I always dreamed of - in many ways we are happier and more connected now than we were even in the beginning of our relationship. It is mind-boggling really. If someone would have told me on D-Day this would happen (I had no desire to stay married to him after I discovered what he had done - I was positive cheating was a deal breaker that I could never forgive), I would have never believed it. I still have some resentment of course but it is going away the more time goes by and he continues to prove himself. It is very sad it took almost losing each other to realize how much we had to lose. I wish it hadn't taken his infidelity to force us to address the issues in our marriage. But that is the unfortunate reality that we have to live with. I think what helps me also is thinking that this is our "new" marriage, because of how differently we are doing things now, as if a reset button has been pushed. Sounds so much like my situation! Wow! I could almost have written this!
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