Does stress, depression affect sex life? How to cope supportively?

[confused8787]

My bf and I have been together for 2.5 years. We come from different backgrounds, socially and economically. I am pretty settled in my life with 2 degrees, a great job, my own place, and financial independence. My free time allows me to pursue my hobbies and enjoy my life in my 20s. My bf is a year younger, he is almost done with community college, lives at home, struggles financially for everything including gas at times, and has obstacles thrown at him left and right.

 

In the beginning at his family's house he had his own room and I would come over and we would hang out, the intimacy was great. But about a year into the relationship, his house flooded and he lost his room and due to financial hardships has had to rebuild it himself during vacation and time off on weekends when he is not studying or working his on and off construction job. After this happened he started sleeping in the guest room at his house on an air bed, one that continually leaks air. So naturally things led to him sleeping at my place 90% of the time. A lot of the time I pay for dinners, gas, and day to day small things. It isn't a big deal for me and I never think twice about it. But ever since my bf lost his room, and had his things boxed up, he has felt homeless in a way, and been really different. Somehow I feel it is a depression but I don't know ... and it has affected our sex life. Even just recently he came back from vacation hoping to have a week to relax before school. Instead, his car doesn't pass smog and he is unable to register it and now he has to depend on me and coordinate by dropping me at work etc. This is totally fine with me but it's eating him up and stressing him out since class starts today. School is tough as it is without having to worry about how to get there, how to pay to fix the car and whether it will even be fixed.

 

So with regards to our sex life, he is less spontaneous, we schedule sex more due to our busy lives and he just seems really casual about it. Other than that his love for me is the same, he is still sweet, he still cooks for me randomly and helps me out in crazy ways. Even in all this hardship he worked to buy me a Xmas gift, a pricey one at that!! He is also always touching me all over my body, commenting flirtatiously and kissing me.

 

I have spoken to him about our sex life and he agrees that it's nowhere where it used to be. And he says things have changed since then. Things have become more stressful and difficult for him and I too have become bush with work. He says life has gotten in the way and it will go back to normal at some point. We agreed on 2x a week and to schedule it if necessary. Another thing that's changed for him is his health. He has put on a lot of weight and is unhappy about it but due to everything going on, it's just not a priority enough.

 

Now I feel like part of the issue is I might have been bringing up this topic of lack of sex and why he is rejecting me a little too often .... almost every week or more than that. I was just frustrated and not sure how to handle it. I was also jealous that he used to watch porn on his off time (which isn't like all the time, hes not addicted or anything). I would ask myself, why watch porn when you can have sex with me?

 

But I guess porn is easier, faster and a way to destress? And he says it's his time alone lol. I have learned to become okay with the porn and I am backing off on the sex complaints.

 

Do you think that stress can affect sex life negatively? What about depression? How do I deal with this so I don't cause more of a rift and him to push away from me? How long do I wait? And how important is the frequency of sex lol? He is my first and these are issues that are pretty new to me ...

[soccerrprp]

YES YES YES....all of the above does affect sex drive, libido. His weight too. He could very well be depressed. After all that, it would be no wonder.

 

Not exercising and gaining weight is not the thing to do. Exercise helps to relieve all of the said concerns. He may not be at the point to need to see a therapist, but staying healthy, active and positive AND with your help (don't enable him), this will all help.

[DorkBreakfast]

As soccerrprp said, depression can absolutely affect sex drive. Just imagine if something suddenly dimmed down everything in your life and you had to struggle through a fog all the time, grasping at anything to find your way. That is how depression is.

 

His is more situational rather than something he's always sort of had. If he starts having problems with basic stuff like getting out of bed, that is when you should seek help because that can go indefinitely if he doesn't do something about it. Exercise does help. He needs to eat and he needs to eat right.

 

Just let him know you are there for him. Don't try to fix him, just sort of...guide him when he needs help. It sounds like he just needs to get his life in a more stable place and he'll even out.

[Eau Claire]

I see red flags here.

 

You have been more than supportive. You have become a bit of an enabler.

 

If you met him today for he first time would you consider him the catch of your dreams? Not to be harsh but you are hoping he is something he is not. Your list of issues he went through are trying to excuse away his inability to manage in life...his sleeping arrangements, car, weight gain, etc. He is an adult.. Adults get on in life.

 

Reality check.. This relationship isn't good for either of you. He doesn't need to mature and you are going to feel unfulfilled and stifled.

 

You have tried. Feel good about that. You are a caring person but you have to get on with your own life.

[confused8787]

I see red flags here.

 

You have been more than supportive. You have become a bit of an enabler.

 

If you met him today for he first time would you consider him the catch of your dreams? Not to be harsh but you are hoping he is something he is not. Your list of issues he went through are trying to excuse away his inability to manage in life...his sleeping arrangements, car, weight gain, etc. He is an adult.. Adults get on in life.

 

Reality check.. This relationship isn't good for either of you. He doesn't need to mature and you are going to feel unfulfilled and stifled.

 

You have tried. Feel good about that. You are a caring person but you have to get on with your own life.

 

Hmm, can you please explain how I might enable him? I don't think I see it. Unless babying him is aka enabling? I'm honestly just trying to make his life easier in the best way I can without going all out you know? And he is a great guy despite all of this. He really is there for me and is communicative and committed to this relationship.

 

Funny thing is, he doesn't want me to help him or baby him. He says he is capable of getting through this on his own. And I even offered him an out, I asked him if he wanted a break while he sorted things out. And he didn't. He just wanted me to be more patient.

 

I can be patient and I am setting a good example by eating right and exercising myself. But I am also human and sometimes I snap, sometimes in the heat of the moment when he is too stressed to get intimate I get upset when in reality I know it's not his fault. That's when the most problems occur. In fact that's what we fight about most!

 

But all in all, he looks out for me and prioritizes me as much as he can and I have never felt more loved by any other man before.

 

I just don't know how to be there for him without stepping on his toes and letting him figure it out for himself. And I also don't know how to stop babying him. I care about him and its so hard to see him go through all of this one after another. And I'm sure he hates relying on me as well.

[confused8787]

Oh, and another thing ... I used to take it personally, that he didn't want to be intimate with me because he was no longer attracted to me. But that's honestly not how he acts. He is so affectionate towards me and physically touching me, saying I'm pretty or saying sexually flirtatious things sometimes when I wear certain outfits. I guess it's not me is it? And taking it personally would probably cause him to feel worse right?

[Eau Claire]

You are very caring.

 

What will be different 3 months from now. 6 months?

 

If his car stresses him. School. Sleeping arrangements...what other quite normal issues coming up in life will stress him?

 

You love this guy. That's fine and if you are willing to have 50 years together with this pattern in life, you are going in with your eyes wide open. Your decision.

 

Personally I would not want my adult daughters to have type of emotional responsibility this early in life. They have husbands who are there for them...who provide strength and security.