LilacGirl Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Hi everyone. I'm brand new here, but I have a question. Last night I broke up with my boyfriend of four months. Granted, not a very long time, but it still hurts so.bad.ly. The relationship was not a healthy one. Both of us made a lot of demands on the other, and he was moving much too fast for my own liking - after less then 4 months of knowing each other, he asked me to marry him. I'm 19 now, I was 18 when he asked me. He had at times been verbally abusive, and though he made many efforts to change, I was unhappy in the relationship, and as a result, we fought. A lot. I felt all my time with him was spent fighting, or preventing future fights by walking on eggshells. Still, I cared about him a lot. Now we're undergoing our first days in four months without each other, and it hurts. I've always been the one to be dumped in the past - I was pained to see that actually doing the rejecting feels just as horrible. I still care about him, I still love him, and I feel absolutely horrible for causing him so much pain. He's beyond angry with me, but then still hopeful I'll come back. I know I can't. He's left me 16 voice mails, 3 emails, and a text messages, none of which I've replied to - both on the advice of friends, and for lack of anything to say, short of "I'm sorry, forgive me, understand, I still love you, I want to be friends..." none of which seems appropriate. Or enough. My question is this - having never been on this side of a break up, which do you all find to be the worst? Breaker or broken? How long has it taken you to forgive and/or move on? What would be the right course of action for me in this situation? I want to ease his pain, but am not sure I can - or that it would be good for either of us. Please feel free to ask questions/share. You all seem like very supportive and helpful people. I was happy to find this site.
Lunar_Moth Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 The worst is broken,I've never been the breaker despite the fact I'm not a good person when I give myself to someone I give all of myself.Things are easy for the person doing the breaking.If you love someone you don't abandon them to die.So it's definitely worse for the broken,it's not called broken for nothing.
Pocky Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 My question is this - having never been on this side of a break up, which do you all find to be the worst? Breaker or broken? Personally, I'd rather be heartbroken than to break someone's heart. Many people have a hard time dealing with emotional pain. How long has it taken you to forgive and/or move on? I don't hold grudges. I moved on. While I may have thought about how much I loved the person I didn't wallow in self-pity. I didn't hate them for not loving me back and I didn't wish them any harm. What would be the right course of action for me in this situation? To not respond to his email. I would be afraid that this would encourage him and mislead him into thinking he might have another chance with you. I want to ease his pain, but am not sure I can - or that it would be good for either of us. Pain is inevitable. It's a part of learning and living. Each of us must experience pain to some degree. While I can appreciate your desire to not hurt him needlessly, I honestly think that keeping in contact with him would cause more pain. The quicker he can come to terms with reality the quicker his pain will subside.
Merin Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 You were in an abusive relationship.. and make no mistake about it verbal abuse is STILL ABUSE. Don't do anything here.. continue on with what you've been doing because as you've said, there isn't anything more to discuss.. and IMO telling someone you've broken up with that you love them and want to be friends isn't going to help them to feel any better or get closure. Obviously you had your reasons for ending the relationship, and if he's being honest with himself he knows what those reasons were/are. This has nothing to do with leaving the person your love to die Lunar.. sometimes Loving someone isn't enough especially in an abusive relationship, and the only person responsible for your own well being is you. Good Luck
Lunar_Moth Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 You really should reply to him Lilacgirl....it sounds like he really does love you.
JoL Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 No! DO NOT CONTACT HIM OR TALK TO HIM.. I just broke off a year long relationship with a verbally abusive guy..they NEVER CHANGE.. Please for your own sake, you know what he was doing is wrong, do NOT give him a chance to guilt you into coming back (they are very good at this.) Four months should be the honeymoon stage..if he was verbally abusive so soon in the relationship then TRUST ME it will only get much much worse. Most verbally abusive people eventually escalate into physical abuse. He made you unhappy in such a short space of time..when you should have been having the honeymoon period- he was verbally abusing you. walk away and forget about him. Send him a msg if you must, tell him to stop contacting you and that it is over. Believe me- abusers will quickly move on and find a new victim- its a proven fact. Just walk away before he guilts you into returning to an extremely damaing relationship. I know from my own experience breaking up with the abuser was the best thing i ever did!
seductress989 Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Oddly enough, I have always been the heartbreaker in my relationships. I have never been dumped. I'm sure I will be dumped someday, but it's not so good being the dumper either. The dumper has closure yet wonders if dumping the person was the right thing to do. At least that's me anyways. The dumper is often plagued with feelings of confusion and guilt. (refer to my post in Coping) But from my experience, I really think it would be awful to get dumped. I've read all the posts on here and it scares to think someday I will probably have to endure that pain. NC is the best way to move on. Do not give in like I did. It will ruin things and chances of reconciliation if there are any. Just keep being strong. He may keep contacting you, but he will eventually get the picture. Be strong.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 I've said it before and I'll say it again: having a broken heart is bad, breaking one is far worse. The guilt, the obligation - its like a trap you can't get out of, a huge load of bricks weighing you down, particularly when the other person holds you directly responsible for their happiness and well being. You have to deal with begging, passive aggressive threats, emotional blackmail - the whole nine yards: all while you are dealing with the loss of your own feelings for this person. In your case - keep remembering this: He had at times been verbally abusive You had a good, self protective reason to bail. I expect that you knew in your heart that it wasn't best for you. Now you are dealing with holding yourself responsible for what is best for him. He is indirectly manipulating you into this with his phone calls, text messages, etc - and your own guilt in the matter isn't helping. You will have to understand that you are not responsible for his happiness. He is. No person should ever, EVER be held responsible for the happiness of another - nor should they allow themselves to be trapped in such a situation. Getting oneself out of it from the inside is the hard part. I hope that you have a strong support system to get you through this - a good ear and a strong shoulder to lean on. I understand your sadness and confusion. I was there once too, after breaking off a short, intense but abusive relationship. It was UGLY. Probably the most traumatic relationship experience I've had. Here is what you have to do. Continue with the clean break. Do not return his phone calls/texts/etc. He has to find his own happiness, and has to be willing to help himself find it. You can't make him happy, nor should you allow yourself to be the sole source of his happiness. That is not fair to you.
Author LilacGirl Posted January 14, 2005 Author Posted January 14, 2005 I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all your help with this. It's very comforting to see that there are people who have been through exactly what I'm going through, and it's very helpful. I am very sad that things couldn't turn out better, but I know, as sad as I am, this is right. I know in a few months, things will feel better, too. They will feel like it is right. I no longer wake up feeling trapped and not wanting to get out of bed - a comforting reminder that I'm on the right track. He did contact me last night, and I got caught off guard. I've been using an old screenname on AIM that he didn't know, but somehow he found it out. We ended up talking for a while - which I know wasn't good. But I made it clear that this is it and things romantically are over for us. He apoligized for all the horrible things he said during the actual break up - he always apoligizes. I'm never going back, but I want to just forgive him for his actions and move on. So that's what I'm trying to do. Wished him the best with everything...and that was that. The whole thing was very civil. So hopefully that's that. We're both working on coming to terms with things. Obviously it's going to take a while before we stop seeing things they would like in the store, or things that remind us of good memories. But, with all the support I've recieved, from family, friends, and here - I really do believe things are going to be okay. Now just a process of getting there! Thank you all so much.
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