How many break ups before the end?

[LaylaSings]

Both married affair partners, but this question could go to anyone.

When no contact isn't an option, and the affair ends amicable before DDay how often does the first break up stick?

 

Did you have an on again off again thing?

Did it end amicably for you? ..did you make the call, or did they?

 

How did you feel, what helped you?

[Anne Boleyn]

Both married affair partners, but this question could go to anyone.

When no contact isn't an option, and the affair ends amicable before DDay how often does the first break up stick?

 

Did you have an on again off again thing?

Did it end amicably for you? ..did you make the call, or did they?

 

How did you feel, what helped you?

 

Our initial affair ended after the first two encounters, but before his DDay. We went NC and that would have been the end of it. She found out just before he told her and they amicably separated and gave us her blessing to have a covert relationship (in that we couldn't really flaunt it to others though she knew about it), complete with dates and whatnot. We went on that way for a month or two before she said no more, she wanted reconciliation. There was no break between him and I at that point because he didn't want to and felt her making that demand when he'd already left was not reasonable and he didn't want to reconcile.

 

After that, however, a series of various events happened which resulted in our breaking up and reconciling multiple, multiple times. Really though, of all those multiple breakups post DDay, I think the only time we thought that they would "stick" was twice. One particularly bad breakup after we'd moved in together and he was sick of her behavior and felt their reconciliation was the only way to make it stop. The other after he'd again moved in together and underwent a stressful period and we'd unintentionally turned on each other... He still had unanswered guilt over leaving her initially and our conflict fueled his doubt, so he ended it and went back to her. Both of those times, we thought it was over. In all reality, the first break lasted... 4-5 months, though we weren't NC during that time and the affair, though off, spent a lot of time being "on" as well, just without any sort of commitment from him. The second about 30 days.

[bambiwboone]

Both married affair partners, but this question could go to anyone.

When no contact isn't an option, and the affair ends amicable before DDay how often does the first break up stick?

 

Did you have an on again off again thing?

Did it end amicably for you? ..did you make the call, or did they?

 

How did you feel, what helped you?

My first dday lasted the longest. 4 months. Then it was predictably every two months. I was thinking their was 3 dday but come to think of it there has been 5.

[Owl]

Odds of keeping the affair ended WITHOUT a d-day are pretty low, especially if there is any kind of contact.

 

Most commonly, one or the other of you will get weak, contact the other about some emotional subject, and the affair resumes. And that cycle continues UNTIL d-day occurs.

 

Without pain...there's little motivation to actually change.

[LaylaSings]

Odds of keeping the affair ended WITHOUT a d-day are pretty low, especially if there is any kind of contact.

 

Most commonly, one or the other of you will get weak, contact the other about some emotional subject, and the affair resumes. And that cycle continues UNTIL d-day occurs.

 

Without pain...there's little motivation to actually change.

 

I do feel we have a lot of motivation to end the affair, we have been friends so long and just want to stay friends and we do love our families. Things have just been so intense. It's been basically over for a couple months now already.

[Realist3]

Odds of keeping the affair ended WITHOUT a d-day are pretty low, especially if there is any kind of contact.

 

Most commonly, one or the other of you will get weak, contact the other about some emotional subject, and the affair resumes. And that cycle continues UNTIL d-day occurs.

 

Without pain...there's little motivation to actually change.

 

I'm going to agree with this. If you still have contact even though limited it is still pretty much going through the motions. Eventually it will pick back up. Unless there is a loss of interest or a d-day ending it because 'it's the right thing to do' doesn't really hold much water given that the 'right thing to do' would have never to have had the A in the first place. As long as there are feelings there, it will continue.

[LaylaSings]

I have kind of thought the whole time I would be strong enough to end it. I'm week in the knees when he speaks to me on that level so I always say yes. This is the first attempt at an end. We have been doing pretty good the last couple months. I have only had one big cry about it.

Something doesn't feel like the end. That's a bad sign I know. No contact isn't an option I'm willing to choose. I know I should, but I am hoping we both just have strong enough will power.

There has been no anger between us, only loving feelings, we have wished each other nothing but well and just want to close that one part of the relationship. Maybe it's not possible. We used to be wild animals for each other sexually and since making that decision have not been tempted that way. We both felt guilty and anxious towards the end it came to an end gradually.

[Owl]

I have kind of thought the whole time I would be strong enough to end it. I'm week in the knees when he speaks to me on that level so I always say yes. This is the first attempt at an end. We have been doing pretty good the last couple months. I have only had one big cry about it.

Something doesn't feel like the end. That's a bad sign I know. No contact isn't an option I'm willing to choose. I know I should, but I am hoping we both just have strong enough will power.

There has been no anger between us, only loving feelings, we have wished each other nothing but well and just want to close that one part of the relationship. Maybe it's not possible. We used to be wild animals for each other sexually and since making that decision have not been tempted that way. We both felt guilty and anxious towards the end it came to an end gradually.

 

Since you're not going to go NC, and you acknowledge that you go weak...why not just avoid all the pain, and ramp the affair back up...consequences be damned?

 

Just keep it going until you're caught. You'll enjoy it more until you're caught that way.

 

Don't mind that pesky little conscience...it's not doing much anyway.

 

Just go back to how things were...until your husband finds out and you're forced to end it, or lose him.

[LaylaSings]

Since you're not going to go NC, and you acknowledge that you go weak...why not just avoid all the pain, and ramp the affair back up...consequences be damned?

 

Just keep it going until you're caught. You'll enjoy it more until you're caught that way.

 

Don't mind that pesky little conscience...it's not doing much anyway.

 

Just go back to how things were...until your husband finds out and you're forced to end it, or lose him.

 

This is completely unnecessary and not helpful in any way.

I'm very much paying attention to my conscience and thinking about this from all angles.

I'm sure there are a lot of reasons I may fail, but there a lot of things in my favour to succeed as well. You do not know me to be able to make any real assumptions on my character. This was the worst thing I've ever done in my life, I acknowledge that.

I have been doing good for a long while I do not need to be told I'm going to fail right now.

 

I don't want to lose my friends or my husband or any time with my kids and my family. I'm in a very borderline abusive relationship at home and I am focusing on myself and trying to salvage my marriage, the affair opened my eyes to a lot of things, I need some encouragement. I get what tough love is, but don't tell me to just go back to how things were until I'm caught, it's hurtful, sarcastic and just unhelpful.

Edited January 27, 2014 by LaylaSings

[Owl]

I have been doing good for a long while I do not need to be told I'm going to fail right now.

 

What, specifically, are you doing to ENSURE that you won't fail?

 

You asked a question...and you got answers.

 

You're likely to fail, sticking to the gameplan you have in place today. You didn't just hear it from me, but from someone else that I nearly NEVER agree with.

 

I spelled out why I think that your plan is likely to end in failure. My personal recommendation for a better plan would be to end it completely, and confess to your spouse. Then you'll have someone who will help you remain accountable, and high motivation to keep NC and the affair ended permanently.

 

Understand...I'm not attacking you here. I grant some sarcasm in that previous post...but frankly, I think you likely need a bit of a wake up call.

 

You've asked if you're likely to succeed in keeping the affair ended and remain friends without d-day. I've said no, and spelled out why I feel that way. You now state that you believe that you won't fail...spell out why you believe that you're more likely to be successful.

 

It's always worthwhile to clearly understand how the plan your following is intended to work successfully.

[LaylaSings]

What, specifically, are you doing to ENSURE that you won't fail?

 

You asked a question...and you got answers.

 

You're likely to fail, sticking to the gameplan you have in place today. You didn't just hear it from me, but from someone else that I nearly NEVER agree with.

 

I spelled out why I think that your plan is likely to end in failure. My personal recommendation for a better plan would be to end it completely, and confess to your spouse. Then you'll have someone who will help you remain accountable, and high motivation to keep NC and the affair ended permanently.

 

Understand...I'm not attacking you here. I grant some sarcasm in that previous post...but frankly, I think you likely need a bit of a wake up call.

 

You've asked if you're likely to succeed in keeping the affair ended and remain friends without d-day. I've said no, and spelled out why I feel that way. You now state that you believe that you won't fail...spell out why you believe that you're more likely to be successful.

 

It's always worthwhile to clearly understand how the plan your following is intended to work successfully.

 

I completely agree the odds are more in my favour to fail, but they does not mean I will. I can acknowledge that I'm doing nothing to really ensure we don't start up again. Because I will see see him and although can avoid being alone with him we will be alone at times for sure unless something major changes.

 

I've been in IC off an on and back in two times a week the last few weeks, my husband has not yet agreed to counselling but is considering it if we can figure money and timing out. He's attempted IC because we both know the glaring issues in our marriage need to be addressed if we have any hope of lasting long term.

 

I just kept picturing someone walking in. I tried to picture my kids crying and missing not only their parents together but really our closest friends too.

How traumatic that would for them kills me.

[LaylaSings]

I don't think I need a wake up call. I've had many over the last few months and feel I need encouragement. I love this guy a lot. It's very painful to imagine him out of my life completely but we had to stop what we were doing and both knew that, he did try to talk me out of it very briefly but I think he was happy I brought it up.

[Owl]

I don't think I need a wake up call. I've had many over the last few months and feel I need encouragement. I love this guy a lot. It's very painful to imagine him out of my life completely but we had to stop what we were doing and both knew that, he did try to talk me out of it very briefly but I think he was happy I brought it up.

 

Encouragement for what? Keeping the affair ended?

 

I'd encourage you to end it in a way that prevents it from resuming.

 

The method you're following now isn't likely to work.

 

I can't be more encouraging than that. You need to pick a man...husband, or OM. That's the one you get to keep. You HAVE TO let the other one go.

 

If your H is abusive...then you need to focus on ending that relationship if it can't be fixed. SERIOUSLY. That should be your focus and top priority...ending it in the safest way possible for you and your children. Or removing yourself from his proximity until that abusive behavior is addressed by professional help.

 

Again...not attacking. I think you need to focus on your goals, prioritize them appropriately, and deal with them in that fashion.

[LaylaSings]

I suppose I just sound incredibly immature in hoping we can just stay friends? We were friends before anything sexual ever happened and have both acknowledged that the affair couldn't go on forever but that if we ended the physical affair, the emotional would naturally balance out and maybe the friendship could last forever?

 

Without a DDay did you try to end the affair more than once before it actually ended was my question. I'm sure it's possible.

[LaylaSings]

No contact isn't an option without full disclosure. We own a business together and live next door. We are basically family. The physical side of the affair has been extensive.. But only a small fraction of the focus, I think it will be easier to give that up than the emotional sharing, secrets and stuff we used to talk about and decided that had to end too.. What's left is the friendship between our families, spouses, kids, even have the same friends .. We just want to stay friends. We don't want to lose that.

[SugarHibiscus]

As usual, I could have written your post! We keep "trying" to breakup. I still talk to him everyday and have been seeing him alone every other weekend. We haven't gone all the way since early December but have gotten very close. (I sound like a teenager.) That's progress, right?

 

I think people may be on to something when they tell us that we have to have our dday to end it. Just wanting to do the right thing isn't working.

[violet1]

I'm going to agree with this. If you still have contact even though limited it is still pretty much going through the motions. Eventually it will pick back up. Unless there is a loss of interest or a d-day ending it because 'it's the right thing to do' doesn't really hold much water given that the 'right thing to do' would have never to have had the A in the first place. As long as there are feelings there, it will continue.

 

I completely agree with this. I broke up with my exMOM, except I continued talking to him as platonic friends. In my mind the A was over. However, we were on our way back into a full pledge A when I got busted! Now, I'm not talking to the exMOM and the A is over.

[violet1]

You say you can't no complete NC. Can you at least limit contact with him as much as possible? For example, can you at least make sure you are not alone with him?

 

I've heard of people ending their affairs without D Days and not going back, but these people were not of the same social circle. The thing is Layla, affairs can become addictions. I don't know how many times my exMOM said I was his drug. From reading your posts I believe you've become very addicted to him. How are you going to be able to be around him without eventually caving? It's very similar to drug addiction. My H is a recovered cocaine addict. It's been over 8 years since he's last used. He relapsed a year after he stopped doing it. Why? Because he went around a person use does it. I told him to not put himself in that position and he promised me he wouldn't cave. He kept saying, I have no desire to do it, I've worked too hard to become clean to screw it up now. Guess what? As soon as he saw it, he caved. All it's going to take is you having a bad day with your H. Which will happen, because it happens in all marriages. You'll be sad, lonely, he'll be there to comfort you and it will happen all over again. I'm not saying this to upset you. You have to cut him out of your life as much as possible.

 

You need to stop focusing on the friendship you had pre affair. Sorry, but once you crossed that line, everything changed. You have said that you are in love with him. Those feelings don't turn off over night. Good platonic friends are not in love with each other. You can never go back to the friendship you once had with him because it doesn't exist. I'm not trying to be tough on you. I know what you are going through, but I think you are approaching this whole thing in a very naive way. I do wish you the best!

[LaylaSings]

You say you can't no complete NC. Can you at least limit contact with him as much as possible? For example, can you at least make sure you are not alone with him?

 

I've heard of people ending their affairs without D Days and not going back, but these people were not of the same social circle. The thing is Layla, affairs can become addictions. I don't know how many times my exMOM said I was his drug. From reading your posts I believe you've become very addicted to him. How are you going to be able to be around him without eventually caving? It's very similar to drug addiction. My H is a recovered cocaine addict. It's been over 8 years since he's last used. He relapsed a year after he stopped doing it. Why? Because he went around a person use does it. I told him to not put himself in that position and he promised me he wouldn't cave. He kept saying, I have no desire to do it, I've worked too hard to become clean to screw it up now. Guess what? As soon as he saw it, he caved. All it's going to take is you having a bad day with your H. Which will happen, because it happens in all marriages. You'll be sad, lonely, he'll be there to comfort you and it will happen all over again. I'm not saying this to upset you. You have to cut him out of your life as much as possible.

 

You need to stop focusing on the friendship you had pre affair. Sorry, but once you crossed that line, everything changed. You have said that you are in love with him. Those feelings don't turn off over night. Good platonic friends are not in love with each other. You can never go back to the friendship you once had with him because it doesn't exist. I'm not trying to be tough on you. I know what you are going through, but I think you are approaching this whole thing in a very naive way. I do wish you the best!

 

I do understand what you're saying. What I'm saying is he is just as close to my husband as I am to his wife. Even if we avoided making plans, both of them still would. We basically share a yard, can't limit much time together at all. Time alone together is another story, although our spouses have noticed already we cut down on that. Picked up on it anyway. We have weened down the emotional side of the affair the last couple months but still met up a few times. Trying to keep it sexual to no luck. Without trying to find alone time together sometimes we only find ourselves in that situation for a few minutes a week, so as long as we don't text..

 

He wants it to end as much as I do I believe, so that we don't have to lose each other completely. So as much as I understand what you are saying I don't think a bad day with my husband will make me fall back into his arms because just because I contact him doesn't mean he'll respond.. pride might keep this together because I don't want to be the one to temp him into anything and make him feel guilty after.. I am nervous that if he contacts me I might cave and respond but I really believe he won't, I think he wants to salvage the friendship and ending this is the only way to do that.

[Scott Thomas]

Is there anyway you could go your separate ways eg demolish the business or move away? Is this financially viable?

I remember a thread-over two year ago, a poster posted almost the same story as yours. Their A was eventually discovered; the H packed up and left, OM went back to his wife and the poster was left to look after her children (alone). Hopefully, this won't happen to you. Personally, I think there's a very good chance you won't be able to limit the relationship to 'being friends' and might fall back in if he expresses his desire to reignite the affair.

 

Good Luck! You'll need it in either scenario.

[Daisy2013]

I suppose I just sound incredibly immature in hoping we can just stay friends? We were friends before anything sexual ever happened and have both acknowledged that the affair couldn't go on forever but that if we ended the physical affair, the emotional would naturally balance out and maybe the friendship could last forever?

 

Without a DDay did you try to end the affair more than once before it actually ended was my question. I'm sure it's possible.

 

It's really hard to stay just friends if you try to end the affair. We had no DDAY, but every few months he'd dump me saying he had to honor his commitment even though he was unhappy and loved me. The break ups never lasted long and the A would resume. I never started it up again, it was always him. When you were friends first, you truly care about each other, and it is difficult to break the connection.

 

It would be easier if you went NC and didn't try to stay his friend. It hurts, unless you can support him and encourage him in his M as a true friend would.

[MissTakes]

Odds of keeping the affair ended WITHOUT a d-day are pretty low, especially if there is any kind of contact.

 

Most commonly, one or the other of you will get weak, contact the other about some emotional subject, and the affair resumes. And that cycle continues UNTIL d-day occurs.

 

Without pain...there's little motivation to actually change.

 

 

Oof. This is a wake-up call for me. And I think Owl is right, Layla.

 

My MM and I didn't have a d-day, but I thought it would be over when I moved across the country. Not even that has been enough to end the EA, though... it was for a while, but, like you, him and I work together. Luckily for me, our work is very infrequent. However, it just took seeing each other one time to screw up the "end" of our A. We went from NC for 2.5 months to talking almost every day. It took him just over a week from when NC ended to escalate our conversations from a very platonic place (talking about business-related items almost exclusively, and sports on occasion) back into full-blown EA. I don't think that will end unless we go NC again, which I'm willing to do - but I know that I will have to see him again next month on a business trip, and I suspect that the cycle will start all over.

 

So, break ups will continue until d-day. Owl's got it right.