How to turn Hate into Indifference? Ex Boyfriend Misery

[Loving_Me]

So, the relationship ended about 3 years ago and if I have to honestly assess my feelings - I think I truly hate him. It is a strong word, I never thought I would say it about anyone, even people who do appalling things. How do I turn that hatred into indifference?

[PegNosePete]

You forgive him, for whatever it is he did. I didn't read your other posts so I don't know, and don't need to know either.

 

Forgiving him does not mean you take him back or even talk to him ever again. It means you accept within yourself that he did what he did for his own reasons and that is just who he is/was. You can't change that, you can't change him, so you have to just accept it. That is how you forgive, and move on.

[Emilia]

You accept him for who he is. You say 'this is X,Y, he is this kind of person, he has these issues, this is why he behaves the way he does'. You rationalise it. Make it less personal.

[soccerrprp]

YOU don't turn it into indifference like turning off and on a water faucet. But time and your ability to move FORWARD will and should. There is a reason that you still feel so strong and that reason is likely because you are constantly reminded of him. Why? Do you see him daily? Regularly? Are you still in contact with him? It seems that you cannot move on if you are still in any contact with him. Are you dating anyone else? Is your life in order and active so that you have other meaningful things occurring in your life? Being able to move on requires that you have complete control over your life, absent your ex. Do you?

 

If after 3-years you still feel hate, you need to get rid of the reminders, contact permanently, completely.

 

I personally don't believe that accepting him for who he is is enough. You need to be in a point in your life where his actions no longer influence you. That you accept what has happened and believe that you are in a better place w/o him. Don't let the past dictate and control your present and future. If it still does, find the source and cut it out.

 

Believe me, I'm learning some of this right now.

Edited January 27, 2014 by soccerrprp

[Loving_Me]

YOU don't turn it into indifference like turning off and on a water faucet. But time and your ability to move FORWARD will and should. There is a reason that you still feel so strong and that reason is likely because you are constantly reminded of him. Why? Do you see him daily? Regularly? Are you still in contact with him? It seems that you cannot move on if you are still in any contact with him. Are you dating anyone else? Is your life in order and active so that you have other meaningful things occurring in your life? Being able to move on requires that you have complete control over your life, absent your ex. Do you?

 

If after 3-years you still feel hate, you need to get rid of the reminders, contact permanently, completely.

 

I personally don't believe that accepting him for who he is is enough. You need to be in a point in your life where his actions no longer influence you. That you accept what has happened and believe that you are in a better place w/o him. Don't let the past dictate and control your present and future. If it still does, find the source and cut it out.

 

Believe me, I'm learning some of this right now.

 

I don't see or speak to him at all. I think I would like to not be effected by him and the whole situation but knowing him ruined the last little piece of trust/faith I had in relationships. After all, I chose to be with him so I can't trust that there is any better potential outcome for me. It's been 3 years and here I am, this is a source of misery for me.

 

I'm a caring person but I feel like I'll have to just suppress that side of myself, loving someone causes the kind of pain I am feeling now.

 

So I'm not dating anyone and honestly I know I won't date again. I don't have any energy left - to go out, meet someone else and be hurt all over again. So I guess in that way, it might never be over - as much as I want it to be. I just feel like there is no hope for me in this respect.

 

I do have other things going on in my life, my own small business, evening classes, interests, volunteering. I was OK for a long time and for some reason it all hit me again. Two weeks ago, I had a ticket for a speed dating event, and on the day itself I couldn't go. I just thought about meeting someone, started crying and cried for the rest of the night.

 

This is the only place I could come too express myself.

Edited January 27, 2014 by Loving_Me

[Loving_Me]

I can't forgive him.

[pickflicker]

I can't forgive him.

 

You're going to have to. Forgiveness is the key. Forgiveness is not about him, it's about you.

 

You hate him after 3 years. At some point, he is not holding your feelings hostage, you are.

Edited January 27, 2014 by pickflicker

[forgetmenot75]

If you choose to not forgive him, you'll only have sadness and despair in your life.

Move on. no one is guilty of you misery, not even him.

[Loving_Me]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted to thank you for reading and responding to my original post. I have decided to forgive him, it's not easy but I just want the peace that comes with it.

 

Don't believe I'll ever be able to love someone again but that's just my lot.

 

Hope you all have a lovely day.

 

x

[Missy0724]

I feel your pain, believe me. It's been a little over a month for me. I thought I was making progress, all the normal mourning stuff. I thought I was OK, because I rationalized everything, and I know we cannot be together. I know it would never work, love is never enough. I am glad we broke up.

 

But last night and this morning, I was SO angry. Angry at him for the lies, leading me on, withholding, acting as if he loved me in a healthy way, and he did not. SO angry for the 9 months I held on, gave so much, my time, friendship, body, intimacy. Opened up, wore my heart on my sleeve, shared SO much with this man. The most I've ever done in my life, besides with a best girlfriend...

 

And he quits, doesn't try, find solutions to our issues, HIS issues, actually. While I stood by, supported him, loved him in healthy way. And he could not.

He brooding over his ex wife, his life with her, blah blah blah. The whole "whoa is me" crap. From a 40 year old man. Or should I say, little boy, so I found out...

 

Why did he waste my damn time, when he knew? Yes, I know - to get what he wanted. What all men do. As long as their needs are being met, they hang around.

 

I feel the same, angry at him, at myself, at men in general. I'm attractive, very smart, great person, have a lot of offer. And this man just brought me to my knees. I hate him right now.

 

I should actually pity him. He's so pathetic and needy, he was right back online probably before he even broke up with me, moving on to his next victim, to get his "fix", that honeymoon high. So sad. He wouldn't know real, genuine love if it bit him in the ass.

 

He had a date two weeks after we broke up. Right back to another rebound. That's healthy. Good luck. Good riddance.

[KatZee]

If you choose to not forgive him, you'll only have sadness and despair in your life.

Move on. no one is guilty of you misery, not even him.

 

I'm going to have to disagree with this statement, and all other statements made saying that she "has" to forgive him.

 

No. She doesn't. Not even a little bit.

 

Choosing not to forgive someone for what they've done to you does not mean you'll have only "sadness and despair" in your life. Not even remotely!

 

OP--- my ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I hated him. Still do, to be honest. But when I say, "I hate him" there's no real emotion tied to those words. I hate what he did to me, I hate who he is as a person... therefore, I hate him.

 

The anger I carried with me lasted about 6+ months. Honestly, I didn't forgive him, I never had any intention of forgiving him, he is not worthy or deserving of my forgiveness. So that was never part of my healing.

 

The person I had to forgive, and the person I had to focus on, was ME. I had to forgive myself first and foremost. When I looked at the situation, I realized I wasn't so much angry at HIM. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be a part of that situation, and to continue staying in a situation that was so clearly unhealthy and toxic for me.

 

Once I started to forgive myself, that's when I started moving on and letting go.

 

I'm over him 1,000%. I have no emotions tied to him, he doesn't affect me, my life, my emotions, nothing, in any way, shape or form. I don't live my life in despair and sadness. I'm in fact the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

 

Doesn't change the fact I have not forgiven him, and will not at any point, forgive him.

[Loving_Me]

Hi everyone,

 

I just wanted to thank you for reading and responding to my original post. I have decided to forgive him, it's not easy but I just want the peace that comes with it.

 

Don't believe I'll ever be able to love someone again but that's just my lot.

Hope you all have a lovely day.

 

x

 

I'm also going to work on not complaining - even online. Who knows what the future holds, maybe something good.

[Missy0724]

Loving Me - I think that is a great approach, and I am going to try to do the same. It's ok and normal to bi*ch after a break up, vent the pain and frustration. And LS is great for that. It's really helped me as a place to express myself, get it out. Journaling in a way. While also getting support and great words of advice...reading others stories.

 

But I'm also going to try to stay away from the negative stuff, complaining. I think that only helps keep us "stuck" in a way. We need to try to rewire our thinking - more positive thoughts! There is a lot of negative on here, so I'm going to also keep busy doing other things. I suppose in a way this has been a "replacement", like another "addiction" in a way, to distract me from the breakup, the ex (stop using "my" ex-that helps! :-). I need to doing more positive things, get my arse in gear! Get out of this slup! But it's only been about a month, after a 10 month intense relationship, so also need to be kind and gentle with myself as well. Losing someone you truly love and deeply care about is a death. It takes time...

 

Good goal! Thanks for saying that!

[Summerrose2013]

I'm going to have to disagree with this statement, and all other statements made saying that she "has" to forgive him.

 

No. She doesn't. Not even a little bit.

 

Choosing not to forgive someone for what they've done to you does not mean you'll have only "sadness and despair" in your life. Not even remotely!

 

OP--- my ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I hated him. Still do, to be honest. But when I say, "I hate him" there's no real emotion tied to those words. I hate what he did to me, I hate who he is as a person... therefore, I hate him.

 

The anger I carried with me lasted about 6+ months. Honestly, I didn't forgive him, I never had any intention of forgiving him, he is not worthy or deserving of my forgiveness. So that was never part of my healing.

 

The person I had to forgive, and the person I had to focus on, was ME. I had to forgive myself first and foremost. When I looked at the situation, I realized I wasn't so much angry at HIM. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be a part of that situation, and to continue staying in a situation that was so clearly unhealthy and toxic for me.

 

Once I started to forgive myself, that's when I started moving on and letting go.

 

I'm over him 1,000%. I have no emotions tied to him, he doesn't affect me, my life, my emotions, nothing, in any way, shape or form. I don't live my life in despair and sadness. I'm in fact the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

 

Doesn't change the fact I have not forgiven him, and will not at any point, forgive him.

 

I'm with you I'm afraid. My family always tell me I'm really not a forgive person - it's not that I dont choose to, it's just not something I have managed to grasp. However, there is always FORGET. I think this is more important. As time goes on (and I'm shocked that this is 3 years for the OP, I suspect something has triggered this and it will pass again), you will naturally stop thinking about that person less. I look back on most of my ex boyfriends (no matter how much I hated them) with pity now most of the time.

 

Remember, the only person who can change you is YOU. I'm also a great believer that there is nothing like on man to get you over another.....it would be a waste to let this one bad experience tarnish the rest of your life. If you don't want a boyfriend again, get some male friends who can help you build faith and confidence - look at all the posts of here by heartbroken men - it goes both ways, and my female friend was dumped all over by her girlfriend too - it's not about men or women but about just that ONE person.

 

BUT having said that, it is perfectly ok to live a happy and fulfilled life being single - the key to life is relationships - and by this I mean those with other PEOPLE - your friends, new and old, your family, and even PETS!

[Loving_Me]

I'm going to have to disagree with this statement, and all other statements made saying that she "has" to forgive him.

 

No. She doesn't. Not even a little bit.

 

Choosing not to forgive someone for what they've done to you does not mean you'll have only "sadness and despair" in your life. Not even remotely!

 

OP--- my ex and I broke up over 2 years ago. I hated him. Still do, to be honest. But when I say, "I hate him" there's no real emotion tied to those words. I hate what he did to me, I hate who he is as a person... therefore, I hate him.

 

The anger I carried with me lasted about 6+ months. Honestly, I didn't forgive him, I never had any intention of forgiving him, he is not worthy or deserving of my forgiveness. So that was never part of my healing.

 

The person I had to forgive, and the person I had to focus on, was ME. I had to forgive myself first and foremost. When I looked at the situation, I realized I wasn't so much angry at HIM. I was angry at myself for allowing myself to be a part of that situation, and to continue staying in a situation that was so clearly unhealthy and toxic for me.

 

Once I started to forgive myself, that's when I started moving on and letting go.

 

I'm over him 1,000%. I have no emotions tied to him, he doesn't affect me, my life, my emotions, nothing, in any way, shape or form. I don't live my life in despair and sadness. I'm in fact the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.

 

Doesn't change the fact I have not forgiven him, and will not at any point, forgive him.

 

Forgiving myself is an important part of this process for me. Thanks for raising that issue. There were red flags that I didn't address at the time and I did accept treatment that was much less than I deserved. I did try to break it off several times and each time he would protest and keep things going. I know there are things I have to work on within myself in order to really feel healed.

 

Having said this I do have much more compassion for people in general and it did show me how important it is for me to really live according to my values. To stand for something good.

 

I have also read so many self help books, lol. LOADS of them and learnt a lot.

[Loving_Me]

Loving Me - I think that is a great approach, and I am going to try to do the same. It's ok and normal to bi*ch after a break up, vent the pain and frustration. And LS is great for that. It's really helped me as a place to express myself, get it out. Journaling in a way. While also getting support and great words of advice...reading others stories.

 

But I'm also going to try to stay away from the negative stuff, complaining. I think that only helps keep us "stuck" in a way. We need to try to rewire our thinking - more positive thoughts! There is a lot of negative on here, so I'm going to also keep busy doing other things. I suppose in a way this has been a "replacement", like another "addiction" in a way, to distract me from the breakup, the ex (stop using "my" ex-that helps! :-). I need to doing more positive things, get my arse in gear! Get out of this slup! But it's only been about a month, after a 10 month intense relationship, so also need to be kind and gentle with myself as well. Losing someone you truly love and deeply care about is a death. It takes time...

 

Good goal! Thanks for saying that!

 

Thanks for your comment, it's so honest and helpful. I'm glad that what I said had a positive effect, it means a lot to hear that.

 

I'm with you I'm afraid. My family always tell me I'm really not a forgive person - it's not that I dont choose to, it's just not something I have managed to grasp. However, there is always FORGET. I think this is more important. As time goes on (and I'm shocked that this is 3 years for the OP, I suspect something has triggered this and it will pass again), you will naturally stop thinking about that person less. I look back on most of my ex boyfriends (no matter how much I hated them) with pity now most of the time.

 

Remember, the only person who can change you is YOU. I'm also a great believer that there is nothing like on man to get you over another.....it would be a waste to let this one bad experience tarnish the rest of your life. If you don't want a boyfriend again, get some male friends who can help you build faith and confidence - look at all the posts of here by heartbroken men - it goes both ways, and my female friend was dumped all over by her girlfriend too - it's not about men or women but about just that ONE person.

 

BUT having said that, it is perfectly ok to live a happy and fulfilled life being single - the key to life is relationships - and by this I mean those with other PEOPLE - your friends, new and old, your family, and even PETS!

 

Yes I think that something did trigger me. But from what I've learnt, a trigger can be an opportunity to address and heal whatever it is that is bothering you. So step by step I'll just do my best in this area.

 

As for another man, that's something I can't deal with emotionally. I would like to have male friends but this is something I've never been able to really have, as guys I have been friends with in the past have always (secretly at first) wanted sex or a relationship rather than my friendship. Ofcourse not all men are like this. But I'm not sure how that could be achieved, I do chat with guys at work and that's a positive thing.

 

I'm trying to form deeper friendships and spending more time with family.

 

This whole process is not easy but I'm just take small steps and hoping things will improve in time.

[stillafool]

I can't forgive him.

Then you aren't over him. If you were over the breakup and him you would feel indifferent to him. It's been 3 years have you thought about counseling?

[Missy0724]

Love is a drug. For some it's an addiction.

 

Look up Love Addiction. And do what you need to, do the work to get over this person who is imprisoning you. Not healthy! For you, or anyone else you ever choose to become involved with.

 

I just went thru this. It sucks. Being involved with someone still addicted to an ex. And probably always will be...

 

What a waste of time and energy... Life's too short. To waste on someone who doesn't truly want you. And ONLY you. Give themselves to you 100% emotionally. Why could you ever settle for anything else?

 

Love is a choice. Letting go is choice. Plain and simple.

 

It's hard to let go. But we all have the power to do it. No excuses!

[Loving_Me]

Then you aren't over him. If you were over the breakup and him you would feel indifferent to him. It's been 3 years have you thought about counseling?

 

Update...I am forgiving...

 

Love is a drug. For some it's an addiction.

 

Look up Love Addiction. And do what you need to, do the work to get over this person who is imprisoning you. Not healthy! For you, or anyone else you ever choose to become involved with.

 

I just went thru this. It sucks. Being involved with someone still addicted to an ex. And probably always will be...

 

What a waste of time and energy... Life's too short. To waste on someone who doesn't truly want you. And ONLY you. Give themselves to you 100% emotionally. Why could you ever settle for anything else?

 

Love is a choice. Letting go is choice. Plain and simple.

 

It's hard to let go. But we all have the power to do it. No excuses!

 

The tone of your response was condescending and accusatory.

 

I'm not addicted to anything. I think you're projecting your experience with your ex onto me.

 

Things may be 'plain and simple' for you but my experience is not yours. We all have different life experiences which affect us in different ways.

[Missy0724]

I apologize! Wasn't trying to be condescending at all!

 

The point of these threads are to give our experience, our opinion, our advice!

 

I was just trying to maybe be strong, as that is what I'm trying to do, try to share that sometimes we might need some "tough love", as others have given me, another perspective... I feel your pain!

 

I just think it's good to have that balance of yes, compassion, and I know each story is unique and different, but also some strength, not so much negative thought... It's good to try all approaches!

 

My only point is, yes, break ups suck, are so painful. But a lot of that pain is self inflicted bc of our own thought process, how WE react to others. We can try to turn that around, think positively. It's worth a try! Not easy! And takes time and healing! And experience and time...

 

And try to find some gratitude that something that wasn't working, has ended. So someday a better situation, when we will be open and healthy for a new person who wants us, can happen.

 

Yes, I had a rough break up. That's why I'm on here; for support and to also offer support and advice.

 

I did not mean to offend at all!

[Summerrose2013]

My ex used to talk constantly about his ex wife. What ever we did or wherever we went there was always some story or other he had to tell me involing her (yawn). Only after we broke up did I really tell him how inappropriate and boring that had been for me.

 

I'm just passing the hating/loving faze and moving into indifference and it's a good place to be. Funny thing is, you can pretend not to care, but I think they can really tell the difference when you really dont care and thats when - if they are going to take a fresh interest in you - this starts to happen - by which time you have moved on, seen all of their flaws, and probably don't want a reconciliation.

 

I'm not ready for another boyfriend BUT i want to be one day. I was brought up in a female family, an all girls school and know I have issues relating to men, BUT I am now choosing to work on that - I've made some nice male friends in my groups - I can get to know them in a social and group environment of safety. Also, it is great that you are interacting with men friends at work - keep that up but expand on it outside of work - take baby steps.....speak to the guy at your local sandwich store, shoe shop etc etc - these people are paid to be nice to you so use them as good practice in your social skills and interactions with men!

 

I did feel like I was kicking an addiction for the first 2 months of break up - but I read that it's chemical hormones in your body from being in love ((-:

[Loving_Me]

I apologize! Wasn't trying to be condescending at all!

 

The point of these threads are to give our experience, our opinion, our advice!

 

I was just trying to maybe be strong, as that is what I'm trying to do, try to share that sometimes we might need some "tough love", as others have given me, another perspective... I feel your pain!

 

I just think it's good to have that balance of yes, compassion, and I know each story is unique and different, but also some strength, not so much negative thought... It's good to try all approaches!

 

My only point is, yes, break ups suck, are so painful. But a lot of that pain is self inflicted bc of our own thought process, how WE react to others. We can try to turn that around, think positively. It's worth a try! Not easy! And takes time and healing! And experience and time...

 

And try to find some gratitude that something that wasn't working, has ended. So someday a better situation, when we will be open and healthy for a new person who wants us, can happen.

 

Yes, I had a rough break up. That's why I'm on here; for support and to also offer support and advice.

 

I did not mean to offend at all!

 

Apology accepted. Your follow-up comment really clarified what you were trying to say earlier. I see that you were just trying to be helpful. I hope you keep making progress and feel better about your situation.

 

My ex used to talk constantly about his ex wife. What ever we did or wherever we went there was always some story or other he had to tell me involing her (yawn). Only after we broke up did I really tell him how inappropriate and boring that had been for me.

 

I'm just passing the hating/loving faze and moving into indifference and it's a good place to be. Funny thing is, you can pretend not to care, but I think they can really tell the difference when you really dont care and thats when - if they are going to take a fresh interest in you - this starts to happen - by which time you have moved on, seen all of their flaws, and probably don't want a reconciliation.

 

I'm not ready for another boyfriend BUT i want to be one day. I was brought up in a female family, an all girls school and know I have issues relating to men, BUT I am now choosing to work on that - I've made some nice male friends in my groups - I can get to know them in a social and group environment of safety. Also, it is great that you are interacting with men friends at work - keep that up but expand on it outside of work - take baby steps.....speak to the guy at your local sandwich store, shoe shop etc etc - these people are paid to be nice to you so use them as good practice in your social skills and interactions with men!

 

I did feel like I was kicking an addiction for the first 2 months of break up - but I read that it's chemical hormones in your body from being in love ((-:

 

I hear you.

 

I don't want to be 'ready' for another relationship. It's just how I feel and how I've felt for a long time.

 

But I understand that one day you want to try again and I respect that.

 

I am usually friendly and chatty with men working in retail, it can be really nice just to talk and interact in a positive way with nothing else behind it. The guys at work are easy to chat with and respectful, they have no idea how much I appreciate it.