Relationship social characteristic compatibility and affairs

[SolG]

I listened to a lecture on attraction, love and communication today. Turns out that the research indicates that partner commonality in social characteristics is a pretty reliable factor in success and longevity in relationships. It seems that the similar, as opposed to opposites, attract! In this dimension anyway.

 

Personality aside, which is a whole other issue... Commonality in factors such as race and ethnicity, education level, social background/status, age, religion, level of attractiveness... is pretty routine in long-term relationships. This is not to say that there is no variance, just that variance is very uncommon.

 

This makes complete sense. For example, commonality leads to more chance of even encountering each other to begin with. And then social characteristics generally lead to future life expectations most likely to be met by someone of similar background. And in terms of education level, it can be difficult for folk with more than one level of difference to communicate most effectively and see/understand the world in the same way.

 

I'm interested to see if this holds true for affairs. Do APs also generally meet these levels of social characteristic commonality? Or does the clandestine and exotic nature of the affair mean that these things are not even ever examined? If they are ignored, does this contribute to the abysmal level of success of affairs that do transition to open relationships?

 

OW/M, how do you rate your compatibility with your AP in this dimension? Is it a factor?

 

Just curious what you LSers think.

Edited January 27, 2014 by SolG

[Snipercatt]

Interesting question!

 

Have you searched to see if there's been research done regarding this in affairs? Just curious if there's data out there.

[SolG]

No research that I could find. But I'm still looking...

[LaylaSings]

My affair partner and I are alike in so many ways. Our life experiences are so parallel, our likes, dislikes, family, looks, race, taste in food even are more alike me than anyone I had ever met before. It was pointed out consistently by anyone that knew us both, including out spouses for years before we crossed any lines. Right up to how we expresses needing each other but also needing this to end was the exact same.

[SolG]

Thanks Layla :-) By 'parallel life experiences' I assume similar education levels, parents' income levels, social experiences, ages, etc?

[LaylaSings]

Thanks Layla :-) By 'parallel life experiences' I assume similar education levels, parents' income levels, social experiences, ages, etc?

 

Yeah all pretty much the same, age, parents had weird similarities, both cheaters.. We thought we wouldn't be like that, a lot of the same experiences but grew up about three hours away and never met. Knew a lot of the same people and even found out we lived in some of the same places over the years as each other.. More than once, lived in the same home but at different times. Move the same, talk alike, almost too freaky. Even the people we chose to surround ourselves with were similar. Our attraction was off the charts after the first few conversations.

Edited January 27, 2014 by LaylaSings

[cocorico]

Do APs also generally meet these levels of social characteristic commonality? Or does the clandestine and exotic nature of the affair mean that these things are not even ever examined? If they are ignored, does this contribute to the abysmal level of success of affairs that do transition to open relationships?

 

OW/M, how do you rate your compatibility with your AP in this dimension? Is it a factor?

 

I'd be interested in where the research was conducted. I suspect that results would vary depending on how diverse and how integrated the societies were.

 

In my own case, ethnically we are different, and of different nationality although we share one home language (though different dialects). Educationally, we have similar educational levels but in different fields in the main (though our PhDs are in the same field) and we work in the same field.

 

Social backgrounds are very different, due in part to social class and in part to different nationality (different social structuration systems) but our current social class would be considered similar since we are M and share a household and have similar occupations. WRT religion, our backgrounds are very different, but we are both atheists now. Age-wise, we're about a decade apart. I'd guess we were of a similar level of attractiveness.

 

So I guess that while our backgrounds are very different, our values are very similar and so the choices we have made have been similar and what we want is similar - which I think matters far more than where you come from.

[proseandpassion]

My AP and I have a 17 year age difference, but personality-wise, we're a lot alike. Except he's a rug sweeper and I cannot stand that.

[SugarHibiscus]

Interesting question. I will be as succinct as possible, but feel free to ask me to elaborate if you are interested.

 

I am in my mid-thirties, have been married to my H for twelve years and been having an affair for a year.

 

In terms of personality, I have more in common with my AP than my H. My AP and I approach the world in a similar way. My H and I see the world in a similar way.

 

If we look at our social commonality, the three of us had similar upbringings but our current situation is different. The three of us grew up in upper-middle class families with similar values. We are all the same age. However, my AP and my H are now vastly different.

 

My H has a Ph.D. and a white collar job. He has always done what society expects of him (i.e. go to college, get married, buy a big house in the suburbs). He is more attractive than my AP. (I think I can say that objectively.)

 

My AP did not go to college and is a tradesman. He is the stereotypical bad boy in a lot of ways.

 

I have a M.A. and (despite my current dalliances) have always been a good girl.

 

My H and I have social commonality, but my AP and my personalities are more evenly matched.

 

I hope that helps. Good luck!

[msoptimistic]

This is an interesting topic...and one I've thought about quite a bit...my H and I had very different backgrounds...he was country, I was city; he grew up poor and I grew up middle class; his mom abandoned the family, my mom didn't even work when we were small....lots and lots of differences...at first they didn't matter but eventually they did cause issues...I wanted nice things for the house and he was happy just to "get by"...he wanted to save, save, save because of the way he was brought up which was ok for awhile, but eventually got old...H had some college education, I have a master's degree; he does not like to socialize, I could go out every night!....then enter MM...no college, but loves to socialize; doesn't blow money but believes in enjoying life...not really close to his family but does stay in contact...he is just a whole lot more "fun" which is not what its all supposed to be about but unfortunately it does make a difference...not sure demographically who I should be more compatible with, but definitely know it didn't matter when the heart got involved! Which makes me wonder about MM...we have never discussed our educational levels, but I wouldn't think it would matter to him...will be interesting to ask that question!

[EverySunset]

I never understood why I gravitated to my STBX so fast. He was almost polar opposite from every guy is ever dated, but we bonded hard and fast. I had just lost 3 immediate family members that year and he was getting out of a bad marriage... maybe broken just speaks to broken sometimes!

 

Older by almost a decade. Big time overweight while I was a fitness/ clean food junkie. Super techie job, I was in the arts. Estranged from his family while mine was always so tight knit. Pulled away in an argument whereas I was direct and taught as a kid to apologize when needed, and works towards forgiving one another, not rug sweeping. But we laughed a LOT. So I figured, why not give it a shot? Laughing is important!

 

But he started cheating pretty regularly after I had our daughter, as I later found out, then drank every single night and even became destructive and threatening at the end. I started to question if all these opposites had been a good thing after all.

 

My MM was my best friend before we married other people. Our spouses expressed jealousy (mostly mine though) so we cut almost all ties while I was married. Until the last collossal Dday when I didn't care anymore. I was dying inside and desperate to talk to my old friend I rang him and we caught up. He was a tremendous source of comfort. Why? Not just because he is a friend.

 

We are so similiar! We like the same music... from the eighties. And nineties. We are only a year and a half apart and we communicate in the same patterns, same expressions even. I always understand where he's coming from. Our families both grew up in the same socioeconomic level, and we're both driven the same way in business. We are both super close to parents and family, and love to go out and have fun, but not to excess. We have very healthy food attitudes and approach to fitness. Oh, and we both love having kids. We adore kid time, but want a balance with our partner, too. It doesn't hurt that ever since we first became friends, people constantly tell us how good we look together! One of my oldest friends used to say we have so much magnetism he could feel it across a room and that he never had to look for us in a crowd lol

 

Other than teasing each other, or having fun mentally sparring, the only thing that ends up feeling like arguments is the situation. LoL

Edited January 29, 2014 by EverySunset

[MissBee]

I was very compatible with my exAP.

 

He is my "type" if there is such a thing. To this day I'd say he is definitely one of the most compatible with me of all the men I've dated.

 

We actually attended some of the same schools, but he's 8 years older so he attended them long before I did and we were both quite shocked to realize it. We thought in similar ways and had lots of commonalities and as someone else mentioned our lives were parallel in many ways that it was quite uncanny.

 

But I think affairs come in all forms, some are very shallow, some based around sex, some a fling and all the other variables that are involved in other short-term relationships. So in some As the compatibility will probably be high and in others not so sigh or at the time it may seem very compatible then looking back it's like wtf did we even have in common besides emotionally/physically needing that person at the time?!