I laughed at my bf for giving me a promise ring

[QuickSilver0]

I don't know if any other women past HS were given a worthless promise ring by a bf. I did and reacted negatively and end up laughing at him and as much as some of you are going to probably hate me for this, I said ''I don't take promises'' and tossed it on the table.

 

Ok so he's upset now but seriously, I'm nearly 26 years old and we've been together for 2 years now. What's the deal with a promise ring?? Or should I have stated my view on this in another way?

 

The reason I reacted that way is because I already went through that whole ''promise ring'' stage back in HS and we broke up anyways and it meant nothing afterward. Then another bf gave me one too when I was 19 and same thing, we broke up and there was no real action. I'm sick of promises and endless talks. The difference is now I'm older and straight forward. I feel that there is no need to give me a promise ring if you're only promising. I feel it's pointless. But he still feels I've insulted him. I think not.

Edited January 27, 2014 by QuickSilver0

[CarrieT]

I agree with your sentiment, but think you could have/should have handled it better than laughing and tossing his gesture on the table.

 

Thoughtful discussion might have served the situation better. I would say the relation may not survive this as you two are separate pages in your wants and ideas and are obviously not discussing them well.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I think it's okay to feel like the promise ring holds no real value, but to laugh at him and toss it on the table? It obviously meant something to him to give it to you and you basically spit in his face. I think you could've handled the situation a bit better with a little more consideration towards his feeling.

 

Perhaps he's not ready for marriage or getting engaged, but the promise ring was to let you know how committed he is to your relationship? You said you've been together 2 years now, and you're not in high school anymore, so why base his actions off of boys you dated in high school?

[Art_Critic]

Well... you did insult him...

 

I'm guessing that you would rather insult him than talk about it and work through it ?

Okay, the promise ring thing is not something anybody over 16 should do but did you ask him why he did it ? maybe he can't afford an engagement ring and felt that a promise ring would hold you over till he could.

 

How are you planning on putting this back together ? he gave you a promise ring and you insulted him with your response as you felt insulted too... what's the next step ?

[QuickSilver0]

I agree with your sentiment, but think you could have/should have handled it better than laughing and tossing his gesture on the table.

I know but at that moment it's like all my younger years came back to me and I truly felt I was getting bs.

Thoughtful discussion might have served the situation better. I would say the relation may not survive this as you two are separate pages in your wants and ideas and are obviously not discussing them well.

You're right. Now I'm convinced we're not on the same page. If he truly wanted to commit to me then why the need to even promise? To me it's either do you with actions (not promises) or you don't but give no promise rings.

[Fluttershy]

With the above posters. You reacted like a girl in HS. So immature and narrowminded. Maturity means talking to the person using our words. Polite words. You could have thanked if my for the gesture but explained to him that you want more than a promise. You want an engagement. And that you would rather wait for that. What you did was behave like a spoiled brat.

 

Apologize to him and explain why you over reacted. Use your words!

[QuickSilver0]

Perhaps he's not ready for marriage or getting engaged, but the promise ring was to let you know how committed he is to your relationship? You said you've been together 2 years now, and you're not in high school anymore, so why base his actions off of boys you dated in high school?

Then it would have been better if he didn't give me any promise ring. I would rather get a chocolate box or go out on a date than a promise ring.

[QuickSilver0]

With the above posters. You reacted like a girl in HS. So immature and narrowminded. Maturity means talking to the person using our words. Polite words. You could have thanked if my for the gesture but explained to him that you want more than a promise. You want an engagement. And that you would rather wait for that. What you did was behave like a spoiled brat.

 

Apologize to him and explain why you over reacted. Use your words!

True I could have done that. It all happened so fast and this got the best of me. At the moment I started laughing at him, I was thinking ''Who does he thinks I am, an 18 year-old that will fall for that''but yes will try to fix this. Though If I call now he won't answer.

[Art_Critic]

Who’s wearing them: In a recent study it seems the age group for exchanging promise rings are anywhere from 15-25 and are normally given after a year of being in a monogamous relationship.

 

Well... he was off the mark with you but not really off the mark as far as if it is a proper ring to give...

 

I'd bet 100-1 he doesn't have a confidant to rely on for a sounding board and he went with what was his idea thinking it was a great idea and in reality it wasn't.. it missed the mark.. but you laughed at him..

 

He is also at a crossroads as well.. he may not want to spend the rest of his life with someone who demeans him in such a fashion..

 

Are you ready to apologize for laughing and belittling him and go from there ?

[Trimmer]

I agree with Carrie and the others. Your basic sentiment about the meaning of a promise ring is understandable - given your history, some kind of reasonable communication may well even have resulted in him being able to understand it.

 

However, your reaction to it is really much more about you and your ability to deal with your past than it is about him and the heart behind his gesture. You think his gesture was meaningless and laughable because of your past experience.

 

You said you're now convinced you're not on the same page? I expect that the humiliation he felt at your response to what was intended to be a heartfelt gesture has probably convinced him of the same thing, so it will probably all work out just about right, won't it?

[Tayla]

Here is a "ring" of truth that I can "promise " you will most likely not grasp til you are older.

 

Your "re-action" is unwelcoming to the gift giver. learn to behave as a mature adult. learn that the world doesnt revolve around your own 'standards" or "lack of graciousness". Once you grasp that I really do think you might have a chance at a mutual and respecting relations.

[Trimmer]

One other thought: I was wondering if you had really given any thought to how he might have felt at your rejection, so before I commented, I went back to your original post to look for signs of empathy and understanding on your part - even if in retrospect.

 

I found lots of "I felt this..." and "I experienced this..." - all about you and your reaction and how ridiculous you thought it was, but very little about him and how he might have felt, other than a couple brief, token statements that you immediately dismissed:

Ok so he's upset now but seriously...

 

 

But he still feels I've insulted him. I think not.

I think that without a real understanding of how he might have taken your rejection, you are not going to find your way onto the "same page", if you were ever really there.

 

 

I was thinking ''Who does he thinks I am, an 18 year-old that will fall for that''

Respectfully, he clearly now knows you aren't an 18 year old "who will fall for that", but you did act like an 18 year old...

[QuickSilver0]

He is also at a crossroads as well.. he may not want to spend the rest of his life with someone who demeans him in such a fashion..

I understand but I was just surprised that knowing my past, he still gave me that.

Are you ready to apologize for laughing and belittling him and go from there ?

Yes

[Trimmer]

Apologize to him and explain why you over reacted. Use your words!

I'm afraid that at this point, just explaining why she overreacted may not be enough. She's now shown him how risky such gestures are, that he can't trust his choice of how to display his sentiments. I think she would have to display some real empathy, and really demonstrate that she feels and understands how he is hurt, but I don't really think she does. She hasn't demonstrated any empathy for him or understanding of his perspective so far in this thread...

 

Incidentally, to the OP, something that is underneath all of this: you rejected the form of his gesture, but what do you think about the sentiment? One way or another, his intention was to increase the intimacy between you, and you completely and brutally rejected what you saw as the form of his gesture, but have you considered that he probably can't separate that from feeling a rejection of the sentiment itself? That's why you may have done more damage than you realize.

 

You are just treating this like it's about the physical thing - his choice of a symbol. But that buries the real point: he probably feels like his sentiment was rejected. Are you getting any of that?

[QuickSilver0]

... you laughed in his face at a heartfelt gift.. that's enough to hurt anyone's feelings. I would break up with a girl who laughed at me for trying to be romantic. Seriously, I would end it so fast.. that's not easy to come back from.

I realized how I came out at him but I've been promised many times and also deceived in the past (an ex bf cheated too). Those were the years I truly believed they were for real and we would eventually progress but it was nothing but more lies and promises. It's like I know the games so well by now that it's my way of protecting myself from going through that all over again.

 

I was once a romantic, sweet girl long ago. It just sucks to get BS so many times that you just get fed up with it.

[Tayla]

It appears that you are of spanish origin, reason being you have ALOT of "I", I" I " ...(I am a frito bandito! tune).

 

A part of me actually "GETS" that you "feel" that your re-action was completely acceptable given your past history. WAKE CALL THOUGH: This isn't YOUR PAST, this was your PRESENT Opportunity to be an adult and graciously decline His thoughtful gift. Yes as adults there are ways to graciously decline a gift without going all ALANIS on him....

 

Get out of your own way and learn that he meant no personal attack to your view point on promise rings...if anything it was a gesture of a gent, perhaps you aren't ready for such courtesy...just a thought.

[amaysngrace]

Yea I got one of those from a guy I was crazy about. It made me so happy that I made a thread about it back in 2007.

 

Good times

[OpheliaSong]

From your lack of communication and niceness, you aren't ready to commit to him for the rest of your life. A marriage is made up of two minds who work together to build a life together. I hope he runs....far away. Your behavior was just mean. Letting your exes and high school stuff effect you this far into your future means you haven't grown or evolved very much. I don't know many men who would put up with this.

[MissBee]

I agree with your sentiment, but think you could have/should have handled it better than laughing and tossing his gesture on the table.

 

Thoughtful discussion might have served the situation better. I would say the relation may not survive this as you two are separate pages in your wants and ideas and are obviously not discussing them well.

 

I agree.

 

I understand the sentiment as well and feel the same but wouldn't have reacted in that way. That was rude and insulting.

 

Have you guys ever even discussed marriage? If you hadn't before then I would have taken that time to ask what this means and state my feelings in a civil manner, as laughing in someone's face and throwing down the ring is just rude and leaves no room for discussion.

 

I do think it seems you all aren't a good match and if I were him I'd not want to take my chances doing something like that again even if it is a "real proposal" this time. In the future, please act more graciously. You can state your feelings and desires without behaving in an inconsiderate manner.

[almond]

Incredibly rude and disrespectful behaviour from the OP - poor guy.

 

You blame your past experiences, but only you are responsible for your actions and the way in which you treat others. Work through your baggage - don't use it as an excuse to treat others poorly.

 

Do unto others..

Edited January 27, 2014 by almond

[whichwayisup]

I don't know if any other women past HS were given a worthless promise ring by a bf. I did and reacted negatively and end up laughing at him and as much as some of you are going to probably hate me for this, I said ''I don't take promises'' and tossed it on the table.

 

Ok so he's upset now but seriously, I'm nearly 26 years old and we've been together for 2 years now. What's the deal with a promise ring?? Or should I have stated my view on this in another way?

 

The reason I reacted that way is because I already went through that whole ''promise ring'' stage back in HS and we broke up anyways and it meant nothing afterward. Then another bf gave me one too when I was 19 and same thing, we broke up and there was no real action. I'm sick of promises and endless talks. The difference is now I'm older and straight forward. I feel that there is no need to give me a promise ring if you're only promising. I feel it's pointless. But he still feels I've insulted him. I think not.

 

You think not? You really feel you didn't insult him by laughing at his loving gesture and tossing the ring down on the table?

 

Since you're so straight forward you should have been kinder and gentler, explain why you think 'promise rings' are silly and respect his feelings. Instead you acted immature, the way you handled this. That is why he's angry and upset.

[whichwayisup]

I realized how I came out at him but I've been promised many times and also deceived in the past (an ex bf cheated too). Those were the years I truly believed they were for real and we would eventually progress but it was nothing but more lies and promises. It's like I know the games so well by now that it's my way of protecting myself from going through that all over again.

 

I was once a romantic, sweet girl long ago. It just sucks to get BS so many times that you just get fed up with it.

 

So what? We've all been hurt at times in our past, doesn't give you the right to treat your boyfriend of 2 years like crap and hurt his feelings. HE is not those guys from the past so don't take out your past emotional baggage on him.

 

How do you know your bf is playing a game and gonna hurt you? Did you explain that to him? Does he know you're insecure and fearful of commitment?

[whichwayisup]

I understand but I was just surprised that knowing my past, he still gave me that.

Yes

 

Then he was showing you how much he loves you and is committed to you. He wants to be 'the guy' and show you that he is not men from your past.

 

I can't believe you can't see this?

 

So, are you going to break up with him? Seems he's more serious and committed to you than you are to him.

[Radu]

I don't know if any other women past HS were given a worthless promise ring by a bf. I did and reacted negatively and end up laughing at him and as much as some of you are going to probably hate me for this, I said ''I don't take promises'' and tossed it on the table.

 

Ok so he's upset now but seriously, I'm nearly 26 years old and we've been together for 2 years now. What's the deal with a promise ring?? Or should I have stated my view on this in another way?

 

The reason I reacted that way is because I already went through that whole ''promise ring'' stage back in HS and we broke up anyways and it meant nothing afterward. Then another bf gave me one too when I was 19 and same thing, we broke up and there was no real action. I'm sick of promises and endless talks. The difference is now I'm older and straight forward. I feel that there is no need to give me a promise ring if you're only promising. I feel it's pointless. But he still feels I've insulted him. I think not.

 

You are 100% right in having this opinion, but the way you expressed it would certainly stop most men from finding femininity in you.

 

You laughed at him ... i don't think you are ready for a serious long term relationship if you don't understand men well enough to understand what you did wrong here.

[Woggle]

You are making him pay for other men's sins which is never a fair thing to do.