csandiegooo Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 In November, I began dating this guy. I'm 20, he's 23--I'm in school and he's settling in to a post-grad full-time job, own place etc. We were seeing each other once a week or so until the start of this month. He was getting flaky with plans, blowing me off last-minute, etc etc. So, it came to a point where I texted him and said that the way he was treating me was unacceptable and that if he wanted to continue seeing me, he needed to be serious about seeing me, otherwise I was through with him. What I received in return was the most beautiful, sincere response. I seriously couldn't have crafted it better myself. He owned up to the things he had done and told me that I mean a lot to him, but that he has a tendency to over-extend/commit himself to work/plans/friends but that he wanted to do his best to make time for me because his feelings for me were important and very real. So yes, this all sounds very cheesy, but I believe every word of it. I mean, sheesh, I can't remember the last time someone had balls enough to say the words "I like you." Anyway, we finally saw each other last night and I was literally paralyzed with fear. I felt like there was so much I wanted to say to him in terms of being disappointed from him and what I want from him and what will make me happy--but I just couldn't do it. I was quiet and sarcastic until I literally became dead silent. I was afraid he would get up and leave, but he just sat with my and held my hand until I could talk about something else...(I have anxiety in case you didn't notice, haha). So...what this comes down to is that I don't trust him--I don't trust him because I like him and like how he is acting towards me now, and I am afraid of that falling through. He was trying so hard to prove himself last night and I am very disappointed in how I behaved and that I couldn't express myself to him and work through things. I am scared that every time he leaves will be the last time I see him because things will just go back to the old ways and he'll get flaky and my self-respect will tell me to cut him off... If anyone has any tips for working through a situation like this...building trust with someone, having a discussion about what you want, dealing with anxiety in the early stages of a relationship, promoting respect for honoring and making plans...
haven Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Is there a reason why u dont trust him? Did he do something for u to feel that way?
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 When you don't trust someone and you feel conflicted, it's for a good reason. Listen to your instincts. 2
Leigh 87 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 When you don't trust someone and you feel conflicted, it's for a good reason. Listen to your instincts. Yes. We both know this by now. It is not necessarily that he is a bad guy. You know, a lot of guys THINK they like a girl well enough, only to.. well, not be all that into her yet THINK they are to start off with. A guy will commonly keep dating a girl with the best intentions at heart. A lot of men simply pick women they are not all that crazy about to date. These guys THINK they like you and they THINK they should stick with you. Only their heart is not feeling it so they abandon things and don't invest as much in you as you do in them. You wouldn't feel so unsure if things were fine. We have instincts for a reason. I would be highly shocked if my current bf turned out to.. well, not be all that nuts about me. My gut instinct dictates that what he says through his actions is also how he feels towards me. Before my boyfriend I always had a bad gut instinct about the men I dated. My current bf is the first guy I have felt totally at ease with (though I do realise all things can come to an end at he blink of an eye).
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 In November, I began dating this guy. I'm 20, he's 23--I'm in school and he's settling in to a post-grad full-time job, own place etc. We were seeing each other once a week or so until the start of this month. He was getting flaky with plans, blowing me off last-minute, etc etc. So, it came to a point where I texted him and said that the way he was treating me was unacceptable and that if he wanted to continue seeing me, he needed to be serious about seeing me, otherwise I was through with him. I would be very concerned about this. Last minute blow-offs are disrespectful, inconsiderate. People who are really into you are consistent in their behavior and if not, have a very good explanation for why not. What and how did he blow you off? What I received in return was the most beautiful, sincere response. I seriously couldn't have crafted it better myself. He owned up to the things he had done and told me that I mean a lot to him, but that he has a tendency to over-extend/commit himself to work/plans/friends but that he wanted to do his best to make time for me because his feelings for me were important and very real. So yes, this all sounds very cheesy, but I believe every word of it. I mean, sheesh, I can't remember the last time someone had balls enough to say the words "I like you." You must have dated some doozies in the past if you are impressed by someone saying "I like you." These actions are to be expected, part of the norm, not something to be seen as exceptional. Anyway, we finally saw each other last night and I was literally paralyzed with fear. I felt like there was so much I wanted to say to him in terms of being disappointed from him and what I want from him and what will make me happy--but I just couldn't do it. I was quiet and sarcastic until I literally became dead silent. I was afraid he would get up and leave, but he just sat with my and held my hand until I could talk about something else...(I have anxiety in case you didn't notice, haha). So...what this comes down to is that I don't trust him--I don't trust him because I like him and like how he is acting towards me now, and I am afraid of that falling through. He was trying so hard to prove himself last night and I am very disappointed in how I behaved and that I couldn't express myself to him and work through things. I am scared that every time he leaves will be the last time I see him because things will just go back to the old ways and he'll get flaky and my self-respect will tell me to cut him off... If anyone has any tips for working through a situation like this...building trust with someone, having a discussion about what you want, dealing with anxiety in the early stages of a relationship, promoting respect for honoring and making plans... Proving to you about his "alleged" intentions one night means very little. Keep your eye on his behavior in the near future and see if, after all this, he falls back into being less than desirable. You should have told him, in person, reiterated your concerns. Do not lull into complacency on this. Women have a serious, common, predilection towards seeing the good and ignoring the bad in men. Building trust necessarily involved both. You want to trust, but your bf has to do his part to gain it. It's not just you in this. I think the hardest thing for you, or the person who seems to have more in stake, is to step back emotionally. When you can do this, you will be in a much better position to, objectively, see what is going on. Step back a little.
Elias33 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 You need to see this longer term, and then go over your concerns. The fact is, if he really was in to you, he would never have blown you off like that (unless there were good reasons and he was nice about it). You talking to him about it only made him aware. And he acted only after you mentioning it. If you are seeking to trust this guy, expect this to take a long time; this will be a long term investment on your part. Gather what you have and make a decision.
SJC2008 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 bull****.... dating 101 if you like her blow her off... see how she reacts (women do the same thing... its only 1000xs more effective on you all) look what happens... she comes to internet and posts her feelings like this i swear people on these forums dont get it It only works if they have abandonment issues and if they like you.
deathandtaxes Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 His beautifully crafted response is just smoke up your ass unless he can back it up with actions. 4
deathandtaxes Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 He has her right where she wants him. It doesn't matter what we may say here. She will do whatever he wants. And that's fine. She's 20. She needs to figure a lot of this out for herself. At least she came here to ask and gather opinions.
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 And that's fine. She's 20. She needs to figure a lot of this out for herself. At least she came here to ask and gather opinions. It would appear that this is all too true. Many people need to get hurt before learning....
deathandtaxes Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Women are attracted to these guys. Not just young women, not just women with issues, not just women who haven't learned. They are attracted and attraction is the difference between friend and lover/spouse. Haha and usually the better looking the guy, and the more ******* he is, telling them the things they want to hear, the more attracted they get. Come on women, why do you fall for this??
Author csandiegooo Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 I would be very concerned about this. Last minute blow-offs are disrespectful, inconsiderate. People who are really into you are consistent in their behavior and if not, have a very good explanation for why not. What and how did he blow you off? A few times he did things where we would have vague plans (i.e. "Let's hang out tomorrow") and then he would push them back a couple hours, to the next day...etc. Normally if he's making plans and honestly needs to reschedule, whatever. It was just that he would text last minute, and expect me to be okay with it etc. But in the long message he sent me, he owned up to specific examples, saying he was afraid of explaining things that had come up in the moment because he was afraid I would just think he was lying, so he avoided it hoping things would just smooth themselves over...I don't want to type his message out here, but it felt sincere. And when we hung out the other day, he initiated making plans and they weren't altered, so that's good haha. You must have dated some doozies in the past if you are impressed by someone saying "I like you." These actions are to be expected, part of the norm, not something to be seen as exceptional. Ohhhhh yeah I have! I guess I just haven't been with anyone who was open enough emotionally to admit having feelings for me and that felt really good. Especially because I didn't peg him for a very emotionally in-tune guy--I felt like, for him, it took a lot to say that? Proving to you about his "alleged" intentions one night means very little. Keep your eye on his behavior in the near future and see if, after all this, he falls back into being less than desirable. You should have told him, in person, reiterated your concerns. Do not lull into complacency on this. Women have a serious, common, predilection towards seeing the good and ignoring the bad in men. I really wish we had talked the other day and I had told him what I was thinking--I was just so scared and intimidated by my own feelings. He obviously knew I was still pissed and holding a grudge, but that's nothing in comparison to having a discussion about it... Building trust necessarily involved both. You want to trust, but your bf has to do his part to gain it. It's not just you in this. I think the hardest thing for you, or the person who seems to have more in stake, is to step back emotionally. When you can do this, you will be in a much better position to, objectively, see what is going on. Step back a little. You're definitely right--I overthink and get so emotionally tangled because I start theorizing and planning and expecting this and that...
Author csandiegooo Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Haha and usually the better looking the guy, and the more ******* he is, telling them the things they want to hear, the more attracted they get. Come on women, why do you fall for this?? Well good thing my guy is pretty weird looking, hahaha! 1
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