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I fell in love with someone who isn't my wife


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Posted

I have been married for 20 years and I would say happily but I have met someone who I really feel is my perfect match or soul mate. We are friends and are really close. We have never done anything physically but have communicated our feelings for each other. She is also in a relationship(engaged) and says she too feels like we could be perfect for each other. I feel like I am watching my true soul mate pass right by. What do I do?

Posted

Start by reading the articles here:

 

?Affair Love? vs. ?Authentic Love? | Affair Resources and Advice

 

What is Disloyal Fog? | AFFAIRCARE

 

Then talk to the OW and cut all contact. If you feel better write a no contact letter.

 

You need to wake up from the Affair Fog, yes affair! You are having an emotional affair. I would strongly suggest you tell your wife and seek counseling. Your W will be hurt, but she will be glad you told her and she will be able to work with you to get through this.

 

Do not progress to anything physical!

  • Like 5
Posted

Why did you decide to Allow yourself to develop a friendship with a woman other than Your Wife THEN Continue to choose to feed those feelings until they grew into something that You PROMISED Your Wife. ..Love??

Because if You hadn't allowed it, the feelings would have NEVER grown beyond, "boy is she hot"...

  • Like 13
Posted
I have been married for 20 years and I would say happily but I have met someone who I really feel is my perfect match or soul mate. We are friends and are really close. We have never done anything physically but have communicated our feelings for each other. She is also in a relationship(engaged) and says she too feels like we could be perfect for each other. I feel like I am watching my true soul mate pass right by. What do I do?

 

If no one has said it already, you need to get a copy of 'Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Stop what you're doing until you read it. I would be amazed if it doesn't change your perspective enough for your to change your actions.

  • Like 6
Posted
Why did you decide to Allow yourself to develop a friendship with a woman other than Your Wife THEN Continue to choose to feed those feelings until they grew into something that You PROMISED Your Wife. ..Love??

Because if You hadn't allowed it, the feelings would have NEVER grown beyond, "boy is she hot"...

 

A post worth quoting. ^^^^

  • Like 1
Posted

Figure stuff out with your ACTUAL mate.

 

"Soulmate".

 

Sigh.

It always seems to turn into "OW" and "my wife never understood me" to "what do I do"

 

Either:

A) get caught, throw OW under bus "she tricked/seduced/deceived me."

 

B) Big, impulsive, "wildly romantic" exit affair.

That crashes and burns within 6 months.

 

Both paths lead to

 

C) "I didn't know what I had until I lost it. Oh my God this didn't turn out the way I thought it would. My wife is being "so cold" to me now. I really hurt her and the kids hate me. OW turned put to be impulsive/crazy/not so committed/not what I thought/not the answer to my problems."

 

Okay. Now that's mapped out: look in the frigging crystal ball.

 

You know how many people I have seen get into a functional, long-term relationship on the forum in four years after using the word "soulmate?"

 

ZERO.

 

How many have used it? HUNDREDS.

 

Four years. Same pattern.

Some days I wonder if it's the same six people posting who just haven't figured it out yet.

 

"I have a good thing at home but for some reason I have this longing that I am not addressing in a healthy, honest way. So I am going to delude myself into a totally destructive relationship. I am too 'classy' for crack. So I'll just hit up fantasy land with another person I click with because I am bored/insecure/entitled/self-deceiving/selfish/untrustworthy."

 

Arg. Seriously. Read all around the site. Find a whole bunch of "soulmate happy endings."

 

Yes there are some old-timers that married their mistress back in 1979-1992 or whatever. But how many other MM/OW relationships CRASHED and BURNED comparatively.

 

Everyone thinks that they are the bloody exception that proves the rule.

 

Statistically: you AREN'T.

Your physical affair hasn't even started yet and already it's textbook.

 

It may not FEEL textbook.

Everyone thinks "this affair isn't about lust, so it isn't like one if those dirty, tawdry affairs. It's real feelings with my soulmate."

 

My last gasping breath on this post: its a frigging affair! Your low-budget version of Young and the Restless.

 

Just stop it. Figure out why you are having a mid-life/void/lack of intimacy/not loved enough by your mother because she didn't buy you an elephant/unmet needs or wants/entitlement blar de blar blar blar.

 

Think of whatever it is reason or excuse you are going to use later to try to get you wife to understand why you were "broken enough" to toss away 20 years with both hands and work on yourself NOW before she realizes what a doofus you can be.

  • Like 14
Posted

Can't empathize with you on this one, Ditto. You probably have a truly loving, faithful, devoted wife at home. She's loved you for 20 years! Are you really ready to throw that all away for a lady you just met and don't really know??!! Wake up, man, before you do something irreversible and lose something very special. Not everyone makes it for 20 years. There must have been a lot that was right in those years to keep you two together. Think about that, then forget your infatuation with the OW and stay true to the vows you made to your wife, your REAL soulmate.

  • Like 8
Posted

Some days I wonder if it's the same six people posting who just haven't figured it out yet.

 

It does amaze me. When I was first on here, I kept wondering if my H had joined LS because there were multiple people that sounded like him. It's strange to realize that the only difference between your story and the next persons' is the small details.

  • Like 6
Posted
I have been married for 20 years and I would say happily but I have met someone who I really feel is my perfect match or soul mate. We are friends and are really close. We have never done anything physically but have communicated our feelings for each other. She is also in a relationship(engaged) and says she too feels like we could be perfect for each other. I feel like I am watching my true soul mate pass right by. What do I do?

 

After 20 years married, I think you owe it to your wife to talk to her about it.

 

Maybe you could explain it to your wife, and she would let you explore a relationship with the other woman, so you could see if you really are the other woman's soul mate.

 

You deserve to be happy.

 

If your wife really loved you, she would want you to be happy.

  • Like 1
Posted

Ah those vague terms/phrases that I can't help but be cynical about; real love, soul mate, perfect match, "we have such a chemistry"... and worst of all "we just connected"??!

 

Long ago when you're dating your W, didn't you felt all those?

 

Mickey stated it outright, it's a 20 years marriage (and you said it, happily), so you really ought to talk about it with her. Be a man.

If you treasure honesty, honor, respect and responsibility that's what you should do first.

  • Like 3
Posted

Lose the sad self-pitying face and look the options you have squarely.

 

1. Divorce your wife. Get together with your new woman. Take the consequences whatever they might be.

2. Forget the OW and be prepared to lose whatever you think you have with her. Confess this to your wife and try to repair the damage you have done and make your marriage so much better it will never happen again.

 

There isn't a honourable third option. There is no option where you get to shag the new woman and stay married, not if you have an ounce of decency in you.

  • Like 3
Posted

Peter Pan syndrome?...............................................

Posted

Dreaminoftigers; thanks for making me smile on a bad day with a great post - reminded me of the video on youtube "Our Love Is Real"/Soulmate Shmoopies, I had to watch it again.

 

That being said, not much to smile about in the opening post. 20 happy years down the drain, and for what? Poor boundaries and butterflies in the stomack? Come on, OP, what do you do?

 

You may choose to end up like all the other sad stories on this board, broken marriage, broken families, broken wife, broken self and what not, if you continue down this route.

 

Or you can wake up, man up and find yourself before it's too late. Consider telling your wife about it to avoid undecisiveness. Do you have kids?

 

Also consider if you suffer from "There-must-be-something-better-for-me-somewhere-somehow-whatever-that-means" disease. MLC?

 

Think hard.

  • Like 1
Posted
Peter Pan syndrome?...............................................

 

Ha ha ha.

Sorry. I can't help but laugh when I see that.

I knew as a kid that my Dad was messed up. One day at the library I saw that book in a return cart.

 

Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Never Grew Up.

 

My Grandmother used to say that my Dad needed "to grow up." And my Mother was continually looking for resources to learn about why my autistic brother wasn't developing normally. I thought it was just "something you do." You read books about family-members being messed-up.

 

I was TEN. And my mother actually let me check it out of the library. Holy cow. It DIDN'T fit my Dad in a lot of ways. Turns out my Dad has a lot of other issues like alcoholism instead of being overindulged by his mother.

 

I learned a lot from that book though! Like what masturbation was LOL. Because in the book one guy was doing and his mother caught him and shamed him. Or his Dad did and they never talked about it or something. Later he went on to "marry his mother" and have affairs. Except with this one woman, named Ann(e) that he couldn't *ahem* raise the flag up the pole for* so he had to say he "didn't want to take advantage of her" and left.

 

Thanks for bringing this up. Man this book changed my childhood :lmao:. I learned about immature men but unfortunately not a damn thing about my Dad. LOL

 

Yeah, OP. Check out Peter Pan Syndrome.

 

Why else would you pitch 20 years of happy marriage?

  • Like 2
Posted

You are cheating

You are having an emotional affair

You must go NC with this woman

You have, I hope learned that married people are not meant to have opposite sex friends

You got this

  • Like 4
Posted
Why did you decide to Allow yourself to develop a friendship with a woman other than Your Wife THEN Continue to choose to feed those feelings until they grew into something that You PROMISED Your Wife. ..Love??

Because if You hadn't allowed it, the feelings would have NEVER grown beyond, "boy is she hot"...

 

As a FWW, I have to agree with this. You made choices every step of the way. This is not cruel fate, this is bad choices.

  • Like 5
Posted
Ha ha ha.

Sorry. I can't help but laugh when I see that.

I knew as a kid that my Dad was messed up. One day at the library I saw that book in a return cart.

 

Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Never Grew Up.

 

My Grandmother used to say that my Dad needed "to grow up." And my Mother was continually looking for resources to learn about why my autistic brother wasn't developing normally. I thought it was just "something you do." You read books about family-members being messed-up.

 

I was TEN. And my mother actually let me check it out of the library. Holy cow. It DIDN'T fit my Dad in a lot of ways. Turns out my Dad has a lot of other issues like alcoholism instead of being overindulged by his mother.

 

I learned a lot from that book though! Like what masturbation was LOL. Because in the book one guy was doing and his mother caught him and shamed him. Or his Dad did and they never talked about it or something. Later he went on to "marry his mother" and have affairs. Except with this one woman, named Ann(e) that he couldn't *ahem* raise the flag up the pole for* so he had to say he "didn't want to take advantage of her" and left.

 

Thanks for bringing this up. Man this book changed my childhood :lmao:. I learned about immature men but unfortunately not a damn thing about my Dad. LOL

 

Yeah, OP. Check out Peter Pan Syndrome.

 

Why else would you pitch 20 years of happy marriage?

 

 

 

 

Pardon me for a momentary t/j everyone.............

 

 

Dreaming, I'm glad it made you giggle. I had hoped it might make someone, after all it is deeply serious here on this forum. Sometimes a little chuckle is what we need wouldn't you agree?

 

 

Lightens the load a little bit.

 

 

Your post was so profound and sincere. I do hope the OP heeds your words of wisdom.

 

 

t/j over everyone, thankyou and carry on..................

  • Like 1
Posted
I have been married for 20 years and I would say happily but I have met someone who I really feel is my perfect match or soul mate.

 

Every time I see "soul mate" in a post like this, I want to kick something. There's only the people we choose to love, who hopefully feel the same about us. You CHOSE to fall in love with this other person, it didn't just "happen".

 

You don't really say if you were having marriage problems before you met this person, which could lead to you seeking someone else out, but I would say that 20 years is a long time to be married to someone and then just toss it away for the mythical "soul mate".

  • Like 1
Posted

Wish my WH had come here and posted this and got all this great advice!

I also think if they could see how much pain will be inflicted on the family it might make them think twice.

  • Like 1
Posted
I have been married for 20 years and I would say happily

 

Really? And since you are happily married, then how does your wife feel about this after you shared it with her?

 

Oh...you haven't? Why not?

 

but I have met someone who I really feel is my perfect match or soul mate.

 

Then you are NOT happily married, if you think someone else is your perfect match.

 

Did you have this same feeling about your wife at one time?

 

I have been married about 24 years and would not say I am happily married, BUT I would say that no one else is a better match.

 

We are friends and are really close.

 

And why do you not have this same friendship with your wife? How can you develop this with your wife?

 

We have never done anything physically

 

Excellent! Don't do anything unless you leave your wife.

 

but have communicated our feelings for each other.

 

Not so good. As soon as you share this feeling, then you both look at each other differently. Most everyone has the feelings you have but never share them. Sharing them can lead to an affair. Not sharing them will keep the affair away.

 

She is also in a relationship(engaged) and says she too feels like we could be perfect for each other.

 

So now two other people already are being cheated on at least emotionally. How would you feel if you were him? Why are you different than her fiancee?

 

I feel like I am watching my true soul mate pass right by.

 

You aren't...and you are. Your wife is probably a better match even if you have lost the feelings for her right now.

 

What do I do?

 

Choose either your wife or her, BUT do not choose her unless you leave your wife first.

 

IMO you should share your feelings with your wife...how you don't feel the closeness that you did in the past.

 

Is there a problem with your marriage that you haven't shared? If not, then revitalize your marriage and forget about this Other Woman. I suspect that if you two began something, then you would both regret it.

  • Like 1
Posted

Me thinks Ditto done ditched us... heh

  • Like 2
Posted

Probably didn't hear what he wanted to hear. He needs to go pine over his new "true love and soulmate." He better get down off the cloud he's floating around on and forget this new person, or he's liable to wind up losing everything. Of course, he'll realize the stupid mistake he made, but then it will be waaaaaaaaay too late. Oh well, love (or in his case, what passes for it) is blind.

  • Like 3
Posted
Oh well, love (or in his case, what passes for it) is blind.

 

That would be lust......

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all for your very honest advice. I have been praying about my sins and have realized you are all right! I will do what I vowed to do 21 years ago. I will hope God and my wife will forgive me for straying. even if it was just emotional.

  • Like 6
Posted
Thank you all for your very honest advice. I have been praying about my sins and have realized you are all right! I will do what I vowed to do 21 years ago. I will hope God and my wife will forgive me for straying. even if it was just emotional.

 

 

 

It is never 'just' emotional my dear, it is much more deadly to your marriage that such a flippant comment as that.

 

 

I sincerely hope you have the respect to discuss what has already occurred with your wife, for failure to do so will lead to failure of your marriage because you will be back here in no time telling everyone of your deep involvement with the other woman..............................

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