LT RS ended due to lack of common interests

[Keii]

Hi Everyone!

 

This forum has been really helpful for the past few weeks after my break up, and I've finally taken the step from lurking to posting.

 

My ex and I had been dating for roughly 3.6 years before the break up. We were each other's firsts, and went through a lot together ( him almost dying, my eating disorder...etc). We met regularly once a week, but would be text constantly throughout the week. He has a troubled past, and I was the first/only person he has told in full about it.

 

In Mid December, my ex and I had a talk about breaking up/going on break because he felt that he wasn't able to give me the attention I need. This came about after we didn't see each other for roughly three weeks due to him studying for exams. He wants to get into medical school, and I understand that it's highly competitive and he needs time to study. In the past year, he has pushed aside many of his hobbies and focused solely on medicine. Even with his friends, they are all in medical school or planning to go to medicine.

 

For the past three years, we wouldn't see each other for 1-2 weeks during the exam times in order to concentrate on our studies. In the Mid December, we both broke down, and he mentioned how he didn't want to see me so miserable, and he thought there might be someone else who could make me happier/give me the attention I should have. It was an emotional talk, but we decided to go on a break later on, and try to enjoy the winter break before school began again. At this time, I was already in a co-op/internship position, so was juggling FT work and FT school in addition to volunteering ( we both volunteer together).

 

We had an amazing two weeks, but on January 6th, I noticed that for the past few days, he was really absent and wouldn't reply back to my "i love you, I miss you" etc. It got to the point where I essentially texted him "if you are no longer interested, please have the decency to let me know". He texted back saying that might be the case.

 

I ended up calling him, and he stated that he felt we no longer had any common interests, and that whenever he talked to me about medicine, I wasn't able to carry on an intellectually stimulating conversation with him. He also mentioned that we were surrounded by different people in our respective fields. He with his medical school friends, and I with my business (and arts, science, crim, psych) friends. He thought that we wouldn't be able to work out in the long run. I was distraught because although medicine isn't my field, I was deeply intrigued by it, and enjoy listening to the information he would excitedly talk about. At the end of the phonecall, I think he was a bit hesitant, and unsure of his decision. It was difficult for us both.

 

We decided that the organization we both volunteer for is near and dear to us, and it would be stupid if the kids/leadership team should lose out on great leaders because of a break up. At the moment, he is the one taking a hiatus from the organization, while I'll still continue to go ( mainly due to a large event that I have been planning).

 

I hate the emotions that come with this, and I have a feeling that there is a chance of reconciliation in the future. However, with that being said, until we both look at our flaws and grow/evolve, the relationship will fail again. I am on strict NC, but will have days where I just really want to be held and loved by him again.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Keii

[TheyCallMeOx]

What it all comes down to is you coming first. If you think it's stupid, but you feel that doing something to benefit you in the long run is necessary, it's not stupid. Doing something that you really don't want to do IS stupid because it may prevent you from getting the rehabilitation that you need. Although you may be a great leader, people have issues and sometimes those issues need your immediate attention. You don't want to be un-happy more than you already are, and if you feel that breaking away from your organization (maybe temporarily or permanently) would do you some good, do it. Right now, you can't focus on what other people think. When you get caught up in things, you lose focus on yourself; if you don't take control of your heart break, it'll show up eventually; things may build up, and it'll be a lot worse down the road if you don't take the time to heal yourself. What you're going through is a big deal and if you feel you can't handle upcoming events, then you need to call it off. Right now...it's YOU time. You're hurt, and now you need to volunteer on yourself.

[Keii]

You`re right, I need to focus on myself. I`ve been trying to get back into yoga, rock climbing and reading. The past two weeks, I was so caught up with planning the large eent that I essentially pushed all those feelings away to concentrate on it. Now that it`s over it`s all coming back...

 

Although...I am very grateful for the leaders in the organization, they`ve been supporting me, and checking in to make sure I`m okay. It`s just... bizarre sometimes to go into volunteering and not see him there.

[TheyCallMeOx]

It's probably going to feel that way for a while, honestly. You can't just move on from 3.6 years of history; chances are, your previous relationship had a big impact on your life, and you need to acknowledge that you're hurt from the experience, and that you need to take this time heal from this devastation. If you continue to involve yourself with the organization, there might come a time where you will meet your ex-partner again; the thing is that you're going to have to be ready for it mentally. Rock-climbing may divert your attention, and yoga, but where is rock-climbing and yoga going to be when you're face to face with the dude? You have to be willing to handle his presence, and that all comes from the motivation of the mind. Although it's great to involve yourself in activities, there's a possibility that it may not help you deal with seeing your ex again, and it may result in some kind of confrontation that may jeopardize your professionalism. Because it was 3.6 years, you're in a phase where you're trying to break from the habit. It's going to seem like a lot of the things you normally do aren't going to give you the same drive because you may feel that, with you and him, you can accomplish anything. Now that you're getting back in touch with yourself, it's going to seem kind of weird. These are all normal feelings; feelings that you can acknowledge and eventually control. For now, you need to take the time to grieve, and you also need to consider the possibility of seeing him again if you continue being a part of the organization.

 

I don't want to beat around the bush here, but probably 90% of the people on this website feel that, initially, there was a "chance" of getting back together. It's not an uncommon thing. While it's not necessarily wrong to have hope, it's potentially going to hold you back. Regardless of what kind of chance you feel you have of getting back together, you need to move on assuming the possibility that he has no intention on getting back with you. Who knows? Maybe now that you have more time to think about things, you'll re-evaluate the previous relationship and maybe realize that things weren't as great as you thought they were? I know I did, and maybe it'll be the same case for you. I'm sorry for your loss, and just know that there are people who care about you, that you are loved, and that you are a person of worth.

[Keii]

Yeah...I feel it most keenly when I'm alone or not busy.

These past few days have been good, I've been trying to keep my head up, and think of all the good in the world. Trying to be that strong, independent person that I used to be.

 

I have been really lucky in the sense that I've talked it out with a lot of my support network, and each time, it gets easier, and I am able to see the flaws in the relationship. It has helped me think of how to improve myself as a person for me.

 

I'm not too sure how it'll be when I see him again (eventually), but I do think it will impact him more than me. Though, I suspect, I will probably end up masking my emotions and handle it in a cheery business manner. Make it short, and concise. Each day, I am getting stronger, but each day, he is suppressing his emotions. Some of my mutual friends have told me he's been studying 12+ hours a day, which was something I had predicted he would do once we broke up. Although it pains me a lot to know that he's doing that, it's not my problem anymore. I can't afford to try and take care of him when I need to focus on myself.

 

There's still a long road ahead...but step by step hopefully

[Els]

Sorry to hear that, OP. {{hugs}}

 

Frankly, I think the issue is with him, not you. Many long-term couples work in different fields. They may have some similar hobbies/interests, but similar careers are really not a necessity.

 

That being said, med school really is much more stressful than most other college degrees, and it is a valid choice for him to put his studies ahead of a relationship at that point. Similarly, it may be best for you to put yourself first for now. Focus on your own career, hobbies, etc.

[Keii]

Hi Elswyth,

 

Thank you for the hug .

 

I know where he is coming from, medicine is definitely very difficult, and I understood that we would never have what most people consider a "normal" relationship. Funnily enough, when it came down to career, I always thought I would be the one who would break it off. But I truly hope he does well, and gets into medical school, he's a good person who wants to help others with their health.

 

That being said, it doesn't detract from the pain, but I know we both have to work on ourselves. I'll focus on improving myself, and hopefully come to a point where I can be happy and confident with who I am again.

[Els]

Wishing you all the best, Keii. You sound like a strong young woman with a good head on her shoulders. I'm sure you'll get past this.

[Keii]

Thank you

 

Fingers crossed for the upcoming weeks. We officially met during the Vancouver 2010 Olympics, so I know that with the Sochi 2014 Olympics coming up, it will hit hard.

[Keii]

Just going to rant a bit in here, but today out of nowhere the thought of him being intimate with someone else (highly unlikely), made me sick to my stomach. Pretty much felt like throwing up:sick:. It stayed for about an hour or so, then it left, and I felt so much better. Been listening to the whole Les Miserable soundtrack, which definitely helps.

 

Just got to keep moving forward! For everyone else, we're all in this together, we can get by

[rosedl]

"In Mid December, my ex and I had a talk about breaking up/going on break because he felt that he wasn't able to give me the attention I need. This came about after we didn't see each other for roughly three weeks due to him studying for exams. He wants to get into medical school, and I understand that it's highly competitive and he needs time to study. In the past year, he has pushed aside many of his hobbies and focused solely on medicine. Even with his friends, they are all in medical school or planning to go to medicine."

 

This one is my favorite. When a partner starts talking about you seeing other people for the benefit of your happiness what it really means is......

 

"I feel guilty because I want out of this relationship and it is easier to play the martyr willing to sacrifice you for your happiness, then the person who changes his/her mind about the relationship and just outright say....I want to leave."

 

Someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with you will not be encouraging you to find someone else.

 

My ex started telling me near the end that he wasn't exactly my dream guy, and maybe I should start dating other men. He wanted a way to get rid of me without the guilt (especially since he broke up with me before, changed his mind, vowed changed and to earn my trust, and proceeded to do the EXACT same thing all over again). We took space (something I would never recommend unless is super short term, like maybe a week to get clarity before making a final decision, anything else puts you in excruciating limbo). After a month of this when I told him I didn't want to pretend I was in a committed relationship when he is questioning the entire thing; he told me to do whatever I wanted to do.

 

Not the language of a guy who truly wants to reconcile. In fact, he pushed me so far away, I was the one who ended it. It was a coward's way of breaking up. A way to not have to own their actions and possibly keep the door open if they should have last minute change of heart.

[Els]

Then it's pretty obvious that the whole interests and school thing was a red herring. An easy excuse.

 

Don't waste any more time on this guy.

[Keii]

"In Mid December, my ex and I had a talk about breaking up/going on break because he felt that he wasn't able to give me the attention I need. This came about after we didn't see each other for roughly three weeks due to him studying for exams. He wants to get into medical school, and I understand that it's highly competitive and he needs time to study. In the past year, he has pushed aside many of his hobbies and focused solely on medicine. Even with his friends, they are all in medical school or planning to go to medicine."

 

This one is my favorite. When a partner starts talking about you seeing other people for the benefit of your happiness what it really means is......

 

"I feel guilty because I want out of this relationship and it is easier to play the martyr willing to sacrifice you for your happiness, then the person who changes his/her mind about the relationship and just outright say....I want to leave."

 

Someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with you will not be encouraging you to find someone else.

 

My ex started telling me near the end that he wasn't exactly my dream guy, and maybe I should start dating other men. He wanted a way to get rid of me without the guilt (especially since he broke up with me before, changed his mind, vowed changed and to earn my trust, and proceeded to do the EXACT same thing all over again). We took space (something I would never recommend unless is super short term, like maybe a week to get clarity before making a final decision, anything else puts you in excruciating limbo). After a month of this when I told him I didn't want to pretend I was in a committed relationship when he is questioning the entire thing; he told me to do whatever I wanted to do.

 

Not the language of a guy who truly wants to reconcile. In fact, he pushed me so far away, I was the one who ended it. It was a coward's way of breaking up. A way to not have to own their actions and possibly keep the door open if they should have last minute change of heart.

 

Hi Rosedl,

Thanks for your input! You're definitely right. I was forced to move my hand because he wouldn`t actually break it off. He has never been the dumper, always the dumpee and I guess he didn't want to live with the guilt of having to finally dump someone. He was always afraid to love, and before we met, he considered love a weakness, because if he loved, then people could always target his significant other to hurt him. Now that some time has passed, I can see that even though he has opened up a lot, he's still afraid to fully love anyone, especially if that gets in the way of his medical dreams. To him, love = weakness still, and he can't afford to be weak if he wants medicine. Which is really sad to see.

 

Then it's pretty obvious that the whole interests and school thing was a red herring. An easy excuse.

 

Don't waste any more time on this guy.

 

Hi Elswyth!

 

I actually broke NC to send him (and everyone else) a "Happy Lunar New Year!" text. He responded relatively quickly compared to before, which gave me a sick/vindictive sort of satisfaction. It was almost as if he responded quickly because he's finally starting to feel my absence. I also noticed that he had viewed my Linkedin profile last week. Seems like someone is curious lol. When I texted, I felt a small twinge of nervousness, then after it was sent, I felt nothing at all. It was almost as if I was texting any other friend.

 

It might have to do with my epiphany the other night. I have mostly accepted the break up, and I'm moving on (slowly but surely). For the most part, I feel really happy and excited to wake up, go to work and school. I really want to be a better person for myself, and do all these things I want(ed) to do. I will always have a soft spot for him, but I can't let that ( or any hopes of reconciliation) hold me back from living my life. Life is already so short, and I can't afford to waste time moping around. There are so many opportunities out there, and if I continue to bum around, I'll miss them all. If reconciliation in the future happens, then it happens. If not, then it won't. Either way, I will have improved myself and grown. Here's to hoping I can keep this mindset!