phall82 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) We've been together for 2 years. I'm 30's, he's 40's. Everything about our relationship is great! We have great communication, we see each other often, he takes me on trips, wants his family to know me, talks about the future, yet he's NEVER made any type of move on me. Once I reached up to touch his face, and he jumped away as though my hand was burning him. If we sit on a bench, he puts space between us. In the movie theater, he always makes sure to lean away from me. He has accidentally brushed my body with his hand, and then he'll yank it away and apologize. I take very good care of myself. He's overweight I know he's self conscious about his weight, but I don't care. I like him, there fore I like how he looks. And he's not even that overweight! I've seen much bigger men. Of course I've asked him if he's gay. He said that he isn't, and assured me that if he was, he would tell me. His friends have said that back when he was thinner, he was always sleeping with women.(20 years ago, he liked to date strippers.) I asked him why he slept with them, but not me. His answer was that he actually cares about me. Again, everything is great, except there is no physical contact. He says that he is going to work on changing that, but that he's not ready to yet. He won't give me the actual reason why. He said it's his weight (he just started a diet program) and also something else, but he won't tell me what. He just said that it has nothing to do with his sexual preference. I also know that's it not an STD. I adore him! (which is why I've stuck around) He's absolutely amazing in every way, except physical contact, and I want him! It doesn't even have to be sex right away! I'd like a kiss or some hand holding. I've tried discussing it with him, but he said that he can't force himself to do it when he's not ready. Any idea as to why he doesn't seem to want me? Is this kind of thing normal? I've never experienced this sort of behavior with a man. Edited January 26, 2014 by phall82
tricolors Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 It's not normal, especially for a 40 something year old. However, it's not unheard of, as I've seen this exact same question posted here before by other women. It's fine he doesn't want to have sex with you so soon, but not even letting you touch his face, or hold hands, or kiss...there's nothing normal about that. It's not to say he doesn't like you or find you attractive, maybe he does, but that's a really strange psychological thing going on with him. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Weight issues can be very defeating to someone who used to be thin and felt better overall. I really feel for you both because neither if you are getting what you need from this relationship. You and he both need intimacy in order for this relationship to evolve and grow. Have you considered seeing a couples counselor? G 1
Aquanut Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Extreme self-consciousness about his body? Erectile dysfunction? Some people are asexual- but I'm not sure how that jibes with a history of dating strippers. It does sound like therapy may be in order... 1
mammasita Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I can't even comprehend being with someone for 2 years and having no physical contact. I know you're "together" but 2 years.....you have to feel terribly deprived!!!! I'd have asked him to seek therapy or jumped ship long ago. Is he open to therapy? Good luck. 5
georgecostanza Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 You're his best friend, not his girlfriend. Move on. 3
tricolors Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Whoa whoa whoa...I somehow missed the whole being together for TWO YEARS thing. Jesus. Don't know how I missed that. I must have subconsciously read that as two MONTHS. Wow. No KISSING after two years? Dude? Why are you still with this guy? How are you still with him? How can you get closer without so much as a kiss after that long? 2
veggirl Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Wow he has major issues. Do you not think you can find someone who loves you and will have normal physical relations with you? Why are you with him...be friends if you want but move on love wise. 2
CaliGypsy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 That would be a definite deal breaker for me. That is not something I would be patient enough to wait an indefinite time for. ( could be waiting forever ) Two years? I can't imagine what he might be holding back or why he wouldn't want to express himself in any physical way. I feel comfortable saying that it's not you it's him. The question is? How important is physical intimacy to you. 1
Tayla Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 this is a newcomers post, so I'll treat it as one of welcoming and woeful scepticism. One: Even friends hug or have physical contact ... Two: Its probably "normal" for him, so I wont go there on what is normal. Three: Sit down and have a mature talk on what your physical needs are, even a baby that isnt held or shown affection grows up with very disturbing psychological impairments to socially identify with others. Four: Is he perhaps married? It doesnt say one way or the other...just that he is the BF. 1
GG3 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 In what way are you boyfriend girlfriend? It's all friendship behavior.
SoleMate Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Strongly suspect that he may be gay. That would fit in perfectly with his current rejection of the simplest caresses and long-ago history of "dating strippers" - it was a cover story. Either he made it all up, or he hired strippers to pretend to date him as a ruse. 1
FitChick Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) Maybe his genitals are deformed. Maybe he's a virgin. A lot of gay men and women who are obese but still in the closet use fat to turn off the opposite gender. My cousin does this so she can say men are shallow and only want hot chicks. She is a strict Catholic. Sounds like sex isn't that important to you or you fear physical intimacy so you are safe with him. You can say you want him but know that will never happen. Do you know any gay men? They have "gay-dar" and after spending time with him can tell you if he is or isn't. Edited January 27, 2014 by FitChick
Author phall82 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Thank you for the responses. He's not married. I really don't think he's gay. I honestly think that if he was he would have told me, and he really never hangs around with men. My best friend is a gay man. He knows all about the situation, and he does not think this man is gay. I don't really feel like I fear intimacy. I've had a lot of it. I've dated (and slept with) a lot of men to know that I really like this one. I know there is an issue there( though I have no idea what the issue is) and at times I do want to move on, but I'm not ready to yet. This year, he has started making some physical changes to himself, so I am hoping that it might change how he feels about things.
Leigh 87 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Look, you can just continue like everything is fine, but it is NOT going to be okay long term between you two; he doesn't long to be close to you. In fact, he darn well DISLIKES the notion of being physically intimate with you in any form. This is not healthy or normal. This is not the typical low sex drive at play here. Something is VERY wrong. I doubt it is just you, he probably wouldn't be stupid enough to willingly date a woman who he was simply not into sexually. For YEARS. You need serious help. And even then you guys probably won't be totally happy. You will eventually realise that you are not happy without s sexual relationship. 1
slightly_unusual Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 holy crap , ive been with my girl for less than two months and im a little surprised we still haven't had intercourse , we,ve done absolutely everything else though in two years , you haven't even kissed , you have the control of a nun OP
FitChick Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 If he isn't gay then he has low testosterone as a result of being fat, so has no sex drive nor ability to perform (impotent). As the weight comes off that should change. If it doesn't, he will need to see an endocrinologist. I'd suggest he see one now actually so the doctor can advise him as to the best diet and exercise and also draw some blood to see what is going on in his body.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 He has issues beyond him feeling "fat." Perhaps he has some severe anxiety issues. In any case, he needs to see a therapist asap. The fact that you have been with him for 2 years says a lot about your needs, love and patience. You are a very patient and kind woman. Hopefully he can be open to getting some help for his sake and yours.
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