FeistyButtercup Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) I'm so confused so I've been googling all sorts of questions this evening and found this forum.. figured I would just write my situation here and see what happens. So I registered to an online dating site out of curiosity. After about 4 days of being registered I found a nice guy who I got on well with, the conversation just flowed unlike all of the other cheesy messages I was getting. He had registered to the site for less than 24 hrs and found me, totally new and unfamiliar with online dating, so it was like it was meant to be for him and just unreal. We eventually added each other on Skype to chat there because it made things easier. Eventually we got to talking on voice and then exchanged phone numbers and from then on we have been Face Timing (iPhone Video Chat) every day. We got on so well it just felt like we had known each other a lifetime after about 2-3 days, it was bizarre. A few mores days pass and he wanted to know when we will meet and I did state on the dating profile I created that I am not looking to find someone online to head out on a date with asap, that I am here to find something different, a different 1 on 1 connection and then over time I would plan to meet. Well he asked and I said maybe some time in February, that I wasn't sure. Another week goes by and we have Face Timed a lot more and he suggests that we meet on February 14th.. I liked the idea and felt like ok, why not. So that has been the plan, to meet on 14th February, which I've been so excited about. He lives 2 hours from me, in London. It was planned that I'd stay the night. However, yesterday I made a trip to London, career reasons. He had known for a while that I was going and I told him not to try to meet me and to just wait until 14th, I had been adamant that I'd like to meet on the 14th and that it would be nicer. However, we were talking on the phone whilst I was on the train and he really wanted to meet me, so after saying no about 60 times, I said ok, maybe, that I'll see how I feel about it at the end of the day. The end of the day came and I called him and we decided to meet. So I got the tube and he got the bus and we met up. I was waiting for about 15 minutes and he arrived - with a silly face and requesting a hug. I wasn't too shy, it was just surreal, I don't know how to explain. He was exactly the same in person, obviously, as we had interacted over Face Time and our online communication had been genuine. However, in person it was just more apparent at how much of a calm, relaxed, mellow character he was and that our first meet wasn't really a big deal or making him get sweaty palms. But I guess I wasn't getting sweaty palms or butterflies or anything, either. Anyway, we make our way back to his place. Again.. to me this is too casual and so was the decision of just meeting him out of the spur of the moment. So it was all just so bizarre and surreal to me but to him it wasn't a big deal and I guess he's just like most guys, not bothered about making a big fuss - but girls like the "proper" date kinda thing.. kinda? I guess. I think I must do anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this now.. but to make a long story short, he's the same exact guy that I was talking to on Face Time in real life.. obviously. But it was bizarre seeing him off screen lol. He was super cuddly. He had been wanting to give me a cuddle for a long time and he got plenty. He's really touchy feely and very affectionate. Anyways, he knows I'm the kinda girl where sex is special to me and has to be meaningful (I've only slept with one guy - in a long term relationship) and I guess this adds to him liking me more. But I feel like kisses are some what special to me. He stole a lot of kisses from me. I didn't mind too much as it's just kisses, nothing more.. but.. everything has to have meaning to me. His kisses and obsessive cuddling might have had meaning? I don't know if they did. But there wasn't enough meaning for me. He knew I wasn't 100% with the situation and I just kept telling him I'm confused, tired, but I'll be ok. I also explained to him that he's so fast and that I feel like I have lot's more to know about him in person and that I haven't seen how he is in different environments.. like how you would if you went out on a date to eat, or just out of his comfort zone (home) or around his friends. He understood and he also said that this is just him, how he is, what you see is what you get. Which makes me feel like have I really seen all there is to him now? Because if that's all there is to him I don't feel intrigued, or like there is great depth there and more for me to be excited about and discover. It's all just so very overwhelming and confusing for me. I feel disappointed that I gave in to his nagging and let him meet me 2 and a half weeks earlier than planned. Also my whole question outta this was really meant to be - is it bad that he cuddled me so much on the first time meeting him, and all the kisses I received? I am so confused and don't even know if I want to meet him again. I am new to dating as I've only been with one guy, so things really need to be taken slowly with me I guess otherwise I just get overwhelmed? Is any of this that has happened normal? The affection, intimacy, the confusion? (Also, I did end up staying the night and borrowing some Pajamas - again.. no sex, no way! of course.. ah.. this is too overwhelming for lil ol me lol. This all happened last night (Saturday) and I am home now (Sunday).. confused to bits) Have only texted him, haven't spoken yet. Suppose I should really wait for time to pass, but I'm a thinker and went straight to google with all of my worries and questions. I am 23, btw. Thanks for reading my rant, if it's vague and rambles, sorry, might have to edit, please just let me know! Edited January 26, 2014 by FeistyButtercup
rewl Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Let me see if I got this correct, it was the first time you met him and you did what? Make out with him, then borrow his pyjamas and spent the night sleeping at his place? I don't even know what to say. Sounds more like you're after a one-night stand more than anything. 3
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) Let me see if I got this correct, it was the first time you met him and you did what? Make out with him, then borrow his pyjamas and spent the night sleeping at his place? I don't even know what to say. Sounds more like you're after a one-night stand more than anything. Yea, that is what happened, correct - Not what I was after. It was my first time travelling to London on my own and by the evening when I let him meet me it became night. It's freezing out there, I'm not familiar with the tube system and getting back to Kings Cross. I was extremely tired after having 4 hours sleep the previous night and he suggested I just stay and go in the morning, I eventually said who cares, that it's harmless and stayed - unplanned so I had to borrow pjs. Edited January 26, 2014 by FeistyButtercup
rewl Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Yea, that is what happened, correct - Not what I was after. It was my first time travelling to London on my own and by the evening when I let him meet me it became night. It's freezing out there, I'm not familiar with the tube system and getting back to Kings Cross. I was extremely tired after having 4 hours sleep the previous night and he suggested I just stay and go in the morning, I eventually said who cares, that it's harmless and stayed - unplanned so I had to borrow pjs. You shouldn't have agreed to stay over. You shouldn't be sleeping in other people's homes that easily, there's no excuse, you didn't know the guy properly and even you admitted that you felt uncomfortable. What you done is certainly not normal, even if it's just on health and safety grounds alone. 4
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 You shouldn't have agreed to stay over. You shouldn't be sleeping in other people's homes that easily, there's no excuse, you didn't know the guy properly and even you admitted that you felt uncomfortable. What you done is certainly not normal, even if it's just on health and safety grounds alone. Yea I know, but i was comfortable with it because he lives with family and I guess we Face Timed every day for weeks before we even met so it was like we had met each other 20 times prior. I honestly felt safe. What should I do? I just feel like I broke so many rules that I'm unhappy with, that just go against me and what I want. Should I just call the whole thing off? There is nothing making me want to go back other than feeling like giving him a second chance as he suggested, he said he wants me to just pretend that our first meet didn't happen yet and for me to still meet him as originally planned on the 14th Feb.
rewl Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Yea I know, but i was comfortable with it because he lives with family and I guess we Face Timed every day for weeks before we even met so it was like we had met each other 20 times prior. I honestly felt safe. What should I do? I just feel like I broke so many rules that I'm unhappy with, that just go against me and what I want. Should I just call the whole thing off? There is nothing making me want to go back other than feeling like giving him a second chance as he suggested, he said he wants me to just pretend that our first meet didn't happen yet and for me to still meet him as originally planned on the 14th Feb. If you want my honest opinion, get rid of him. It sounds like you actually had standards which is good but you managed to blow it all by smothering a man with kisses and cuddles as if you've been married for 6 years, that's a major red flag. This is your chance to start afresh. Next time, please have a little bit more self-respect and do not get that intimate on the first meet with a man and under no circumstances should you be sleeping over on the first night. Good luck. 2
Haydn Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Never been online dating but from reading your post it seems similar to meeting someone in the the pub. I have no idea but if you feel safe then maybe you should meet at a neutral venue?
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 If you want my honest opinion, get rid of him. It sounds like you actually had standards which is good but you managed to blow it all by smothering a man with kisses and cuddles as if you've been married for 6 years, that's a major red flag. This is your chance to start afresh. Next time, please have a little bit more self-respect and do not get that intimate on the first meet with a man and under no circumstances should you be sleeping over on the first night. Good luck. I'm going to explain to him how I feel about the situation in writing and then re-explain over the phone and let him have his say and call it off I think. Either that or should I wait for him to contact me first and then let him know how I feel?
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Never been online dating but from reading your post it seems similar to meeting someone in the the pub. I have no idea but if you feel safe then maybe you should meet at a neutral venue? I am considering meeting at a neutral venue, but I feel like a "guy" almost. Like, everything was too soon and now I've lost interest. I feel really bad because he was saying he wants to make me his Mrs lol, not even in a phony player way, just so fast and unusual, and that he felt like we were a couple.. and all the cuddling.. it's because he knows I'm going to leave soon (long distance).. I dunno, it's like... eh.. go on a date with him what do I have to look forward to? I don't have the first kiss to look forward to, even though we didn't kiss properly cause I wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth but he cheekily managed to steal some.. ik we've not had sex but I'm old fashioned.. idk, that was just it for me. He rewarded me w too much affection and now it's just not exciting anymore. I'm not that intrigued to know him more in person. This makes me really sad because I was so excited, getting ready for Feb 14th and now it's like I opened my Christmas Presents early if you get what I mean? Am I overthinking? Should I just go with the flow and give it a chance?
rewl Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I'm going to explain to him how I feel about the situation in writing and then re-explain over the phone and let him have his say and call it off I think. Either that or should I wait for him to contact me first and then let him know how I feel? Well you've got two choices, you either dump him or you keep him on. If you're dumping him, don't do it twice, that's ridiculous. You have to choose between ending it through writing or by phone, it would be a bit cruel to do it both ways. If you choose to end it, I would advise you to pick up the phone and thank him for allowing you to stay over and that you're very grateful and then basically tell him how you feel and why you're ending it. The trick is to keep the phone conversation as short as possible, the longer you speak to him the worse it's going to get I can guarantee that. The dumping should not take more than 40 seconds, and if he wants to add anything during the conversation then let him, but give very short replies and just be done with it. If you choose to keep him on, well, that's your choice. 2
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Well you've got two choices, you either dump him or you keep him on. If you're dumping him, don't do it twice, that's ridiculous. You have to choose between ending it through writing or by phone, it would be a bit cruel to do it both ways. If you choose to end it, I would advise you to pick up the phone and thank him for allowing you to stay over and that you're very grateful and then basically tell him how you feel and why you're ending it. The trick is to keep the phone conversation as short as possible, the longer you speak to him the worse it's going to get I can guarantee that. The dumping should not take more than 40 seconds, and if he wants to add anything during the conversation then let him, but give very short replies and just be done with it. If you choose to keep him on, well, that's your choice. I just feel like if I keep him on, there is no going back and reversing things - I can't close the boundaries that have been crossed and start again, it would just be weird to not let him cuddle me or show affection next time after he already has done.
Aquanut Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 How did he "steal" a bunch of kisses and cuddle you? That just isn't possible. You were a willing participant, no? 1
Art_Critic Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I can't close the boundaries that have been crossed and start again, Yes you can... nobody says that you have to let a moments bad judgement ruin a budding relationship, you said he lives with his family ? so it wasn't like you had sex in the middle of the floor half the night.. you got tired and borrowed some PJ's and crashed at his family's house... Re-set the boundaries... if he doesn't follow them then dump him
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 How did he "steal" a bunch of kisses and cuddle you? That just isn't possible. You were a willing participant, no? That's my description of him being playful. He quickly kissed my lips later on to be cheeky about it.. rebelling.. catching me off-guard. That's what I mean by stealing kisses.
georgecostanza Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Kissing on a first date isn't too unusual. Cuddling is kinda weird. Going back to his place is a major no. You don't know this guy, regardless of how many times you have facetimed. For all you know, he could be a rapist. It can also heighten the pressure on things and lead a guy to expect sex. If you do go on the 14th then book yourself a hotel or something. Going round to some guy's house isn't a date anyway, get him to take you somewhere. I guess secondly you will have a tough time finding somebody that meets your expectations online. There's nothing wrong with wanting to slow things right down but most people move a lot faster, they don't view a kiss as inherently special etc. If you do see this guy again, maybe you shouldn't focus on looking forward to your first kiss or first this or that, but just focus on looking forward to seeing him. And if you can't do that, then maybe he isn't right for you. 3
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Yes you can... nobody says that you have to let a moments bad judgement ruin a budding relationship, you said he lives with his family ? so it wasn't like you had sex in the middle of the floor half the night.. you got tired and borrowed some PJ's and crashed at his family's house... Re-set the boundaries... if he doesn't follow them then dump him That's the only reason I felt safe and he was adamant that he wouldn't bring "any girl" home to his family's home, especially off the internet. I wasn't comfortable with meeting them too soon though, my focus was him, so he respected that. I mean he even welcomed me to stay there when he went out to go get the food because I was hungry. I just feel so bad, cause he was a gentleman despite everything else, even paid for my ticket home because my return ticket was only valid for that day, not the next morning. This is why I am so confused. If he were a man that had his own bachelor pad it would have been different and I would have gone home. It was just too fast for me, he did keep apologising for it and explaining that he just didn't want anyone else to have me, like he felt he needed to take me off the market. I just need to take things very slowly, I'm not experienced w dating at all. My first love was met at school and that's been it. Your post is making me hold back. I'll just sulk and wait for him to call and then explain how I feel then and like you said if he can't respect and reset boundaries then move on..
SYLLPalmer Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Seriously? Are you in a convent or something? Too many rules and regulations. Years from now all that is going to matter is that you lived your life to the fullest and did not squander time with bull****e and worry. If you don't like the guy anymore don't beat a dead horse. Just say "Hey I should have followed my intuition. My set of rules are more important to me than spontaneity. I don't want to see you anymore now. Thanks for the PJs and good luck." I am a 42 year old women and my mother was in a convent and not even I am stuck with your self righteous hang ups. I am glad for every suck and **** I had. Further, I regret allowing myself to be guilt tripped and freaked by someone elses catholic demons. You played footsie without breaking bread. Big whoop. Lighten up dear. It is in your best interest, but if you can't try not to be such a blow hard your whole life. 3
Author FeistyButtercup Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Seriously? Are you in a convent or something? Too many rules and regulations. Years from now all that is going to matter is that you lived your life to the fullest and did not squander time with bull****e and worry. If you don't like the guy anymore don't beat a dead horse. Just say "Hey I should have followed my intuition. My set of rules are more important to me than spontaneity. I don't want to see you anymore now. Thanks for the PJs and good luck." I am a 42 year old women and my mother was in a convent and not even I am stuck with your self righteous hang ups. I am glad for every suck and **** I had. Further, I regret allowing myself to be guilt tripped and freaked by someone elses catholic demons. You played footsie without breaking bread. Big whoop. Lighten up dear. It is in your best interest, but if you can't try not to be such a blow hard your whole life. Lmaooooo, Thank you for the Asswhooping. Nope not in a convent. I have no idea why I am the way I am - but it's actually why he likes me, lol! I'm not religious, my Mother is nothing like me either. I honestly don't know where I get all my old fashioned values from. I tried to lighten up and to stop being so stubborn, that's how I got myself in this situation!
SYLLPalmer Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Lmaooooo, Thank you for the Asswhooping. Nope not in a convent. I have no idea why I am the way I am - but it's actually why he likes me, lol! I'm not religious, my Mother is nothing like me either. I honestly don't know where I get all my old fashioned values from. I tried to lighten up and to stop being so stubborn, that's how I got myself in this situation! GOOD G DAMNIT. Take it from me, the good girl image sticks even when you intend to toss it aside with reckless abandon. Just try to keep it in check. My poor mother only ever laid one dude, my dad, and they were divorced in 1975. To this day she still tries to shame me when I TMI her in spite. You got my mother in your head. Don't give her power. Now go forth and live child.
newmoon Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 am I the only one who thinks she has to be under 23? most grown women would know better than this, even those with very little experience. aside from being extremely dangerous it's just lacking common sense. this has to be someone younger...
petall Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 The guy sounds like a player. He certainly wasn't respectful in actions. He kept pushing and pushing for you to meet, and when you did meet he basically pawed you right off pretty quickly even though it's only the first time he's met you. Sure you played your part too in ALLOWING him, but HE took WAY too many liberties for someone who's never met you before.
SYLLPalmer Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 am I the only one who thinks she has to be under 23? most grown women would know better than this, even those with very little experience. aside from being extremely dangerous it's just lacking common sense. this has to be someone younger... Spot on agree with you RE: age. The human brain is not fully matured until 28 years. We don't accurately perceive risk under the age of 28 BUT I would argue that this serves the species well overall. I am not an "at risk" female type, and I am somewhat of a handful. Or perhaps I just got lucky that I never fell a victim in my youth. God knows I presented the opportunity. Regardless the jig is up. She is smarter and more self aware than the average turnip. Risk was there but she survived and has learned a lesson. There is value in that. Nevertheless I also see the value in your observation/concern and believe it will resonate with her and other turnips who read this thread.
Haydn Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Well what about giving it a chance? Nothing ventured............. I am considering meeting at a neutral venue, but I feel like a "guy" almost. Like, everything was too soon and now I've lost interest. I feel really bad because he was saying he wants to make me his Mrs lol, not even in a phony player way, just so fast and unusual, and that he felt like we were a couple.. and all the cuddling.. it's because he knows I'm going to leave soon (long distance).. I dunno, it's like... eh.. go on a date with him what do I have to look forward to? I don't have the first kiss to look forward to, even though we didn't kiss properly cause I wouldn't let him kiss me on the mouth but he cheekily managed to steal some.. ik we've not had sex but I'm old fashioned.. idk, that was just it for me. He rewarded me w too much affection and now it's just not exciting anymore. I'm not that intrigued to know him more in person. This makes me really sad because I was so excited, getting ready for Feb 14th and now it's like I opened my Christmas Presents early if you get what I mean? Am I overthinking? Should I just go with the flow and give it a chance?
FitChick Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) If you are bored now, dump him. You didn't even have a "honeymoon phase" from the sound of it. If you go to London on Valentine's Day and stay over he will expect sex. Have you ever used birth control in your life? It's the "good girls" like you who usually get pregnant. I am still shaking my head over your not knowing how to get to King's Cross. You've heard of the famous London black cabs? Edited January 27, 2014 by FitChick
pyramid Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 like you said if he can't respect and reset boundaries then move on.. I am going to give you one of the most important lessons of your dating life. YOU set and enforce your own boundaries. If you aren't comfortable with kissing, cuddling, more - don't allow it. If he does it anyway - leave. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. He is disrespecting you.
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