tem7074 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted on here a few times about a failed LDR. Part of our problem was that there was no timeframe for closing the distance although I was looking for jobs in the area. She couldn't really handle being alone. It was a frustrating experience (and still is). So, as it turns out as soon as the LDR is pretty much dead - guess what happens? A job opportunity pops up in her city - it was one of the leads I have been pursuing for several months now. I have wanted to live in this place since 1997 and my career path has been sort of linked to experiences there (long story). I met my ex during a 7 month stint in this city in 2012. Anyway, I am still struggling to get over her. But at the same time I really need a change of scenery and jobs in my career. I feel stuck in my current situation. It is just that moving to the same city as your ex, when I am clearly still not over her seems a bit risky for me emotionally. Anybody ever have a similar experience? Am I asking for trouble? Life is silly like this...
liloldlady Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Take the job. The city's big enough for both of ya. 5
FitChick Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 There are millions of people who date others in their cities and towns and break up and manage to survive. The odds of you running into her are astronomical. If you do, see how you both feel. Things might be different now that you are both in the same place. Any reason why you wouldn't contact her to tell her? At the very least she could help you get situated and be a source of local information. 1
Author tem7074 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 We are still in contact, fairly frequent contact actually. I have tried NC on several occasions, but failed. I let her contact me, though. No doubt when I move there we will spend time together. The city is big enough for us, for sure. Maybe in some strange way this will help me move on when I see that the relationship will not rekindle even though the distance is closed. I admit that my ego won't yet let go of the idea that we could get back together....
Author tem7074 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 She knows that I am looking, but doesn't believe that I will actually make the move. So, I don't plan on telling her about this new development. I will be out there for an interview soon. I might meet up with her.... She didn't like being in a LDR. Me flying into town, spending a few days, and then leaving again was very hard on her. She told me on many occasions that she wished I would just stay, instead of leaving her over and over. I would like to surprise her like this..after I move tell her I am visiting and then stay... See the silly thoughts that get into my head?
Tayla Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Since its not a sealed deal on moving and logistics, its wise to refrain from conveying. Here's wishing you luck though in attaining a new career. With the employment the way it is, its a good thing to just get your foot in the door. Life has a funny way of working things out.
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Do not make any career decisions based on somebody you aren't married to. If you want the job take it. If you don't want it, stay put. Either way leave her out of the equation. 3
Author tem7074 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 @d0nnivain I agree. I am doing my best to keep her out of the equation. It's not easy, though. This potential job has lots going for it - the location is great, the pay should be higher, and the work should be equally as interesting as what I do now (in fact it relates to what I do now). But I am in academics now, and this new job is consulting. I would be giving up a tenured position which might seem crazy to some. There are other disadvantages (benefits not as good, maybe more stress, etc.). I chose this city for my sabbatical back in 2012 and then met her and had to return to my job 1800 miles away. Like I said earlier I have desired this locale since 1997. So the draw is not really so much about her as it is the location, and the chance to do something new. Still, her presence complicates things...
Author tem7074 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 @ Tayla - thanks. It is the same overall career, just a different (albeit less "safe" job). It is the result networking - this position is more or less being created for me. The regular job market still does suck - I get zero interest from potential employers by submitting resumes in response to job openings...
justwhoiam Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 QUESTIONS 1) You lived in her city for a year. In that time span, how long were you with your ex-gf? 2 months? 10 months? ......... 2) How was the relationship during that time (that is, while living in the same city)? 3) The wrong things you did that she accused of after breakup, did they all happen while being LD? Or some of them referred to when you were living in the same city too? 4) Is your potential employer willing to set up a severance pay plan for you? And a good one, like a 4 week severance for each year you work for them? Or better? 5) What kind of current benefits would you be losing? 6) If you move, do you have a house to sell or are you currenty renting an apartment? 7) What do you like about her? 8) What are her flaws? Red flags? Things you dislike about her? Is she reliable? Sorry but I can't tell much before you answer all these questions.
lolablue17 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 You know, you can move, then surprise her one day at the door saying "hello, I live next block to you". but you will be saying this to her and her new boyfriend...
soccerrprp Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Take the job it means that area of your life will improve. BUT, I warn you, unless you still have contact with your ex, you should not contact her and try to get back with her. Let the meeting, if at all, happen by chance. It would be highly SHI**Y of you to intrude into her new life knowing that she is involved with someone else. Here's an opportunity to start over, new job, new surroundings, and hopefully, new gf. 1
Author tem7074 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 @justwhoiam - thanks for those questions. Here are some answers QUESTIONS 1) You lived in her city for a year. In that time span, how long were you with your ex-gf? 2 months? 10 months? ......... - lived there for 7 months. We were together for about 3 of those months, then we went LDR in Aug 2012 2) How was the relationship during that time (that is, while living in the same city)? It was most often good, but we did have our problems which seemed to stem from us knowing that I would be leaving her soon. During that part of the relationship she came off as a little jealous and clingy, but she was clearly really into me. We both still have great memories of the experience. 3) The wrong things you did that she accused of after breakup, did they all happen while being LD? Or some of them referred to when you were living in the same city too? - Most of the stuff happened after going LD. Mostly, I was not there for her at times she needed me. But dang it is hard getting a flight on short notice and these were not emergencies. We had a couple problems while I was there 4) Is your potential employer willing to set up a severance pay plan for you? And a good one, like a 4 week severance for each year you work for them? Or better? - I don't know - do you mean the company I would be working for? If so, I never thought of that. Good idea for negotiating a job offer! 5) What kind of current benefits would you be losing? - Good benefits at a university, 10% match on retirement, health care pais with some left over for flex benefits. I doubt the company benefits will stack up, but then I should get a higher salary to compensate (and the cost of living is higher too) 6) If you move, do you have a house to sell or are you currenty renting an apartment? - I would have to sell my house (which I just bought in July 2013). But I anticipated this and the house could be rented out (turned into an icome investment) or sold for a reduced commission (3.5%). Shouldn't be too hard to sell or rent out the house in my current area. 7) What do you like about her? - We have lots of fun together. We have an emotional connection that persists to this day. I don't feel lonely when I am with her (I can be hanging out with lots of friends and still feel lonely sometimes). She is a cool gal and funny. She is fit, confident, attractive, and has an awesome accent (she is from Eastern Europe). 8) What are her flaws? Red flags? Things you dislike about her? Is she reliable? - She has trouble being alone, but she also pushes people away. She can be stubborn and bitchy. She seems to have trouble with relationships too. Based on what she has told me, she has not had a decent long term relationship in the past 10 years. It makes me wonder. Some things that happened to us have led me to doubt her loyalty. We do have some trust issues on both sides, although I had zero trust issues in my previous long term relationship. I will be interested hearing what you can make of that info!
Author tem7074 Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 (edited) Update. I am going there on Feb 19-23 for an "interview". I haven't told my ex anything about this trip. I can just show up at her work if I want. Or not. We are still in frequent contact and discuss the relationship fairly often. I don't know if she is seeing someone else right now. She is likely dating. I am going on dates too. Nothing serious though. It is very possible that by the time I get there she could have a boyfriend. And yes my presence would probably complicate things. But I have no idea what would happen between us if I was there. We very well might be done. I know better than to be trying to get back with her right away. I am very excited and scared about the opportunity. It looks like this job is mine if I want it. I love the area so much! There is so much to factor in - and my ex is really not part of the equation now. There is genuine risk here, but the potential for high reward if things go well. I don't feel like I have to be with her. The dating pool in this new area is much much larger than my current area. And there are so many cool things to do. She could fall off the radar as a result - who knows? BUT - we have this connection that has not gone away. By being nearby she could easily intrude on MY new life! Hard to know, really. Edited February 10, 2014 by tem7074 typed too fast and had a new thought to add
justwhoiam Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 It was most often good, but we did have our problems Hence, problems were already there. You just disregarded that. We had a couple problems while I was there Indeed. Is your potential employer willing to set up a severance pay plan for you? And a good one, like a 4 week severance for each year you work for them? Or better? I don't know - do you mean the company I would be working for? If so, I never thought of that. Good idea for negotiating a job offer! You definitely should. Regarding the benefits, make sure you have a health insurance covered somehow, whether it's you paying for it or them. For the rest, I wouldn't fuss too much about it and go along with their terms. But a severance plan would be strongly recommended. If they think 4 weeks is too much, ask for 4 weeks for the first 2 years and then 2 weeks for any subsequent year. I would have to sell my house (which I just bought in July 2013). But I anticipated this and the house could be rented out (turned into an icome investment) or sold for a reduced commission (3.5%). Watch out about any "income investment"... you'd still have costs and responsibilities if anything comes up... Think twice. It's better if you sell it, at this point. Just make sure you are hired before you do so. She has trouble being alone She can be bitchy Some things that happened to us have led me to doubt her loyalty, although I had zero trust issues in my previous long term relationship I hope the above issues are enough to make you think twice about getting back together with her. If you move to her city, enjoy the new environment and start dating new girls. If after a considerable time (at least 6 months), you still feel lonely despite the (possibly) massive dating, you could drop her a line and see how she's doing. But honestly, I hope you find a better match.
Author tem7074 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 thanks for the advice. Yes, logically I know that we aren't an amazing match although we had some amazing times together. And despite the problems somehow we still made a strong connection that lingers to this day. One's heart can be quite persuasive even in the face of logic. I will probably be too busy to date much in the first six months - and therein lies a potential problem. It would be easy to try to rekindle with her since she is "familiar".
Author tem7074 Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 I just planned my trip to visit this potential new employer and will be there Feb 19-23. I will provide an update for you all afterwards, including whether I see my ex or not.
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