CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I know I shouldn't do this, but I can't control it. I have thoughts like "what did she do better than me?" "Her body was more attractive to him than mine." I also constantly have images of my husband and these other women together. It is so painful. I cannot stop it. My husband has ruined my self esteem by cheating. He ruined my confidence and self image. I feel disgusting, unwanted, ugly, and most of all......not beautiful and attractive to him. We have decided to try and work it out for us and our kid's sake. We still love each other very much. How have any of you dealt with thoughts like these? Does it get better? Any advice?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 If they're all so great, why isn't he with them?
tiredofitall2 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 It takes time, but as you already know all this is irrelevant. Love is not based on physical qualities. 1
Cakess Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Maybe it's time for you to pull away from him a bit and do some things on your own that you feel will help you to rebuild your self image of beauty and regain your happiness. But only you can do this, don't expect your cheating husband to be able to tell you you're pretty and then you will feel pretty again. Do not rely on him. Now is your time to find your inner beauty and self worth. Maybe start with counseling and take up a new hobby that brings your peace and happiness? 3
yellowmaverick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Crushed - if you compare the traits that really matter, you will always come out ahead. To me, the most attractive spouses are those who are faithful, selfless, honest, and loving - there's no bigger turn-on than that. 3
ComingInHot Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Crushed, re - read your post darlin' He has decided along with you to attempt R. You BOTH love each other Very much... Uhhmmm HELLO?!?! you are already ahead of any of these EXOW 's who May be younger or skinnier or whateverer because he is with you choosing you when, sadly, he has already sampled what is "out there" and clearly finds you and what he's made with you far better when all this infidelity hit the light of day. By the way, just because he has chosen you because the truth came out (and he most likely never thought it would) doesn't make what he did "okay". And it's probably not going to stop you from feeling what I felt when I found out and that is; My H wants a younger model of me, he doesn't find me attractive because I'm a size 6 and exOW is a ZERO, and my favorite mind f*ck... how can I compete with a girl who is 8 years younger than me and is willing to sleep with a Married man?! I didn't even know about the competition when it was happening!! You know what My H told me? He said, "CIH honey, I saw exOW wanted a sugar daddy, I found her attractive, I let her think I was a sugar daddy and banged her. YOU CIH, knew I was No Sugar Daddy, I found you Beautiful, I couldn't fool you, you made me work for the prize of a lifetime, YOU. There never was a question of who I loved except I felt I was entitled to what I wanted which was nothing I needed. Sorry for being a #$!@ and a $&*#€ and I will spend the rest of my life showing you." Awww. .. It took 3 years to finally believe My H and honestly, I am developing an issue with my appearance as I have noticed an age spot... 4
harrybrown Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I felt like less of a man after my wife cheated, very similar feelings. It is not about you, but my wife was just selfish, and did not think about me. I think your H may be the same, he is selfish, or he was at the time. He married you. At one time he loved you. You were the most important person in his world. You will have to ask him if this is still true. I hope he has gone NC with the OW and that you have all his passwords. He should be an open book to you. Has he been tested for stds? If the OW was married has he told her husband? Marriage can be hard work. Is he trying now for you and your marriage?
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 I felt like less of a man after my wife cheated, very similar feelings. It is not about you, but my wife was just selfish, and did not think about me. I think your H may be the same, he is selfish, or he was at the time. He married you. At one time he loved you. You were the most important person in his world. You will have to ask him if this is still true. I hope he has gone NC with the OW and that you have all his passwords. He should be an open book to you. Has he been tested for stds? If the OW was married has he told her husband? Marriage can be hard work. Is he trying now for you and your marriage? Yes, he has not had contact with any of them. He is an open book now and has given me all passwords. I even changed them all. I plan on getting tested very soon. And yes, the OW ex husband does know now. My husband has told me he is willing to do anything it takes, hiwever long that may be, to make us better. 2
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 If they're all so great, why isn't he with them? Yeah, I understand. He is choosing me over everything else. I just had self esteem issue before hand and I was working on that. Now they are multiplied by a 100. It's just tough to get the thoughts out of my head. 1
Raena Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Your words hit me pretty hard in your OP. I feel very much the same way. The difference between you and I is that your man chose to be with you. Mine chose to go on and be with the younger model. Keep that in your mind as you go through this. He did choose to stay even though he could have wanted to go. It could be worse. You could be in my shoes...feeling those things and knowing they are true.
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Your words hit me pretty hard in your OP. I feel very much the same way. The difference between you and I is that your man chose to be with you. Mine chose to go on and be with the younger model. Keep that in your mind as you go through this. He did choose to stay even though he could have wanted to go. It could be worse. You could be in my shoes...feeling those things and knowing they are true. You make a good point. I had not thought about what it would be like if he didn't stay. I am so sorry that has happened to you. I am in a lot of pain, but can't even imagine the pain I would feel if he didn't stay. I hope things get better for you.
painfullyobvious Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I saw the images of my ex and her partner in my head as well for about six months. Time heals these images. I agree with some of the other posters about work on yourself by doing some things that make you happy away from your husband. Develop a hobby, start a new project, do something that takes your mind off the garbage and makes your self-esteem improve. I had a small list of things I always wanted to do and never did and chose the aftermath of the affair to do these things. I helped tremendously. It helped my mind drift from the affair and made me feel like I was improving myself. Time is your enemy and friend in the aftermath of the affair. Time seems so slow to ease your pain and banish the negatives of the affair fallout. At the same time as time moves on many of the horrible aspects of the affair do fade. I still get triggered fifteen years later and I am no longer even with my ex but time has helped. The WS needs to focus on the BS. The BS needs to focus on the BS. The bad news is once you start to heal and your self-esteem returns you face other issues. For me I felt horrible about myself as you describe. Once I started to heal somewhat I actually started to turn those feelings inside out and felt my ex was disgusting, horrible person and no longer deserved my loyalty. I saw contempt, disgust and apathy for my ex. Time may heal some of the wounds but as you heal your feelings about reconciliation will confront you as well. This is such an ugly process all the way around. I wish you the best and sorry you have to deal with this garbage 2
dichotomy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 (edited) Ya know honesty tends to be in short supply after dDay. I don't like minimization or avoiding hard things. Yes I have heard "I choose you" and perhaps that DOES mean thats the only thing - but thats not whats going on in your head is it? It does not mean your the best in all areas and aspects necessarily. If one had other loves or lovers prior to marriage - does one compare every facet of their body, their sexual interaction, and traits to their spouse - can we put together a 100 point comparison chart of everyone you have been with or your spouse and see how it ranks against them all? How does one compare a Cadillac to Ford Mustang? Can a time, place and emotion cause somethings to be "comparatively better" than another - or is it just the person. Does one of my old GF's secretly think I was better than her current husband? Maybe some bits and parts or time with me - maybe. I spent years comparing myself to OM MM. I wanted to convince myself (and hear from my wife) I was best in every way and detail. Fact is I was not - am not. And compared to me he falls short in other areas. Yes she "choose me" in the end - but it may not be because I am comparatively better in all things and ways.... to OM. We don't marry someone for the same reasons we have other relationships. Honesty. Difficult stuff. No minimization. It did help to think perhaps if I wanted I could find things in my old GF's that compared better to my wife - but I don't do that normally because I love my wife and thats the past - but it did help a little to realize I could and it helped block out my comparison issues with OM. It goes both ways. In the end it came not down to what my wife thought of me - but how I thought of myself. Crushed giver - do you think of yourself as a powerful, attractive, sexual being with much to offer a man? You think you got what it takes to knock the socks off some man? You better ! Edited January 27, 2014 by dichotomy 1
GypsumSatellite Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 There is no comparison to be had, CrushedGiver. You are just as beautiful, warm, loving, faithful, honest and giving as you always have been. His cheating has no reflection upon you - it is solely the reflection of what he thought about himself. His mistake, his ignorance. The OW is not better than you, or prettier than you, or more capable of making him happier. She was a suit of clothes he tried on when he was tired of seeing the same old him in the mirror. These thoughts will pass in time, but you gotta love yourself. Don't look to him to show you the self-love and healing you need right now. He needs to work on his own mirror. You work on yours. Re-discover everything amazing about yourself. Keep reaching for the glow that has existed within you all along. Pamper yourself, wallow in yourself. Give to yourself at this moment. Don't look in his mirror to see how he sees you - look in your own. Embrace all the good that you are, all the cheer, all the life. In time, that will override so many of the comparison thoughts. I'm not saying it'll erase the hurt, but it'll help that mindset of "What did she have that I haven't got?". You have it all. Try not to doubt that. 2
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I am on par with xOW in looks. But in personality? She's so close to being a narc... I am positive she is a narc. I knew her an didn't care much for her. When my husband spilled the beans on the then over A I was shocked he risked everything and in my mind cast me aside for her! But i have learned that it ha nothing to do with me. It is hard as a woman who has always silently compared myself to other woman (i will admit it) to not keep doing it with her but it wasn't about what she had that I didn't. She had forbidden fruit. Side action. A friendship that crossed boundaries and could be carried on with ego stroking, secrets, and hot affair sex. I can't offer that. But thankfully my husband got sik on cake instead of addicted. And he got out. And that is why I could move on. Even if we hadn't reconciled I had to learn the above for my own self esteem. 1
Tayla Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Its a long lesson to be learned, the moment we say "he made me feel", we have given our power away....Accept your empowering ways and understand as Eleanor Roosevelt said " No one can make you inferior without your consent". Love yourself, and accept that there is work to be done to rebuild. Jumping to conclusions is rarely the reality.... My regards and respect for you both in working this out. 2
goodyblue Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I never thought I was better or worse than my guy's ex. I just think we are different. People are different.
snappytomcat Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 wow this was really hard for me at first,but its been almost 9 months since dday,anways when I first found out I thought what he$$,was he thinking,i was so disgusted,shes 12 years older,65 pounds heavier than me,and has really short hair(my husband hates short hair)and she was very needy,i took a while for me to get her nasy image out of my mind,but I once spoke to a wh.and he told me it wasn't about looks,it was about my husband and not about me or the ow,and my husband has since told me this too,she was just easily available,and my self esteem is starting to get better daily 2
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I keep hearing "it has to do with him, not you" and I try to believe it, but she was worth risking all we have together -- our son (beautiful and amazing kid!), our house, everything. She was worth public ridicule for me and for him. She was worth this? She pursued him for four years -- went after him to prove she could get him and she did. I tell myself in the end she didn't win and sometimes it makes me feel better, but other times I'm pissed she even got him at all. It's gross. She's gross and disgusting. I don't mean appearance wise, but as a person. She constantly brags about how amazing she is (a big girl and men like big girls, she's always saying on her social sites and yes, I am working on not caring what she says anymore! Baby steps.. That's fine, but geez...just like skinny girls shouldn't say this, neither should big girls). I keep asking my husband what he liked about her, so I can know how I need to change. How screwed up is that?! It is very screwed up, but this is where my husband's choices have brought me -- to a ****.ty place where I compare myself to a first class loser who steals husbands and fathers away from their families. (or tries).
Fluttershy Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I keep hearing "it has to do with him, not you" and I try to believe it, but she was worth risking all we have together -- our son (beautiful and amazing kid!), our house, everything. She was worth public ridicule for me and for him. She was worth this? She pursued him for four years -- went after him to prove she could get him and she did. I tell myself in the end she didn't win and sometimes it makes me feel better, but other times I'm pissed she even got him at all. It's gross. She's gross and disgusting. I don't mean appearance wise, but as a person. She constantly brags about how amazing she is (a big girl and men like big girls, she's always saying on her social sites and yes, I am working on not caring what she says anymore! Baby steps.. That's fine, but geez...just like skinny girls shouldn't say this, neither should big girls). I keep asking my husband what he liked about her, so I can know how I need to change. How screwed up is that?! It is very screwed up, but this is where my husband's choices have brought me -- to a ****.ty place where I compare myself to a first class loser who steals husbands and fathers away from their families. (or tries). The answer is so simple confused and you just have to reach out and take it... Stay or go. He didn't think he was "risking" anything. He didn't really think he would he caught and he had no understanding of the pain of it all. Almost all cake eaters Arrogentlu think they will forever eat cake. It wasn't risking for "her". It was an experience he sought, not a person. And I ak talking about cake eaters here. Sometimes more feelings develop as the affair goes but people leave in fantayland when they are in one. Look at peaks and valleys husband. That guy went of the deep end because he really was living two lives and never thought he'd get caught.
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