Is never getting proposed the same as never getting promoted on your workplace?

[samsungxoxo]

I know both of them are different goals in life but to me it practically means the same thing esp you're really looking forward towards seeing a progress and after several years recognized nothing has changed and it's another dead-end situation. There is also such a thing as a dead-end job with no promise of ever getting promoted nor advancing towards another section with more responsibility.

 

I do know there are some people that don't want marriage as well as those that are happy doing their job with no dreams about getting promoted but others aren't. No engagement tends to happen the most to many women that moved in with their bfs and realized late that they've become another live-in gf with no promise of it ever making it towards the next stage towards life commitment.

 

Same thing with a job you've been working for years, you get complimented by your superiors and they might even give you a bonus for that day or so but never really get promoted, even when you've shown your full commitment and capacities. You end up being nothing but another regular worker at entree level forever. I know I'll never be promoted no matter what so I plan to actually create my own business in the near future towards nearly the end of my major (by 2015).

 

In a way it is very offensive to me when someone bluntly says ''But engagement is just a ring and a piece of paper'' and tries to convince those who are marriage-minded by using that line. It reminds me of never getting promoted in my workplace, no where near I want to be in life.

Edited January 26, 2014 by samsungxoxo

[PegNosePete]

What? No. Marriage is not "the next step" in a relationship. There is no progression ladder or salary bands in romantic relations.

 

My views on this did change after getting divorced. Before then I did somewhat agree with your way of thinking. But now my thoughts are, why would I get married to someone? It doesn't make the relationship stronger, it doesn't mean that either of us are less likely to wander, it doesn't make any difference really. It is NOT just a piece of paper, it's a legal contract. I wouldn't say I'd never get married again but I would certainly need more persuasive reasons than "it's the next step". I would need clear and logical reasons why getting married offers concrete advantages. For example if we wanted children then it would make sense to get married. But just getting married because "it's what you do when you've been together X years"... no....

[SolG]

I so agree with PegNosePete! Marriage is not the inevitable 'next step', it's 'a step' for those feel the need and choose to enter into a legally binding commitment. I've been married (still am technically, but long time separated) and am currently an OW in a long term A. Marriage is no guarantee of anything relationship-wise but legal rights and legitimacy. Even then, most of that is now arrived at through cohabitation in those places that have laws recognising de facto relationships.

 

The similarity I see between bemoaning never getting proposed to and bemoaning never getting promoted is passivity. Why wait and let someone else dictate outcomes? Choose your own path.

 

*Disclaimer, as an OW I don't claim to always follow my own good guidance when it comes to relationships and passivity! :-)

[Radu]

If a woman is asking this question, don't touch it ...

[samsungxoxo]

Well it's different if you were married and now divorced/separated than if you never were.

 

Same thing as those who were already promoted. I had a superior from a former workplace telling me that his position was boring and that it was really no different than being a worker at entree level, he still felt as a robot working for someone. To someone that has not even once been promoted as a superior it's different.

[PegNosePete]

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams

[samsungxoxo]

The similarity I see between bemoaning never getting proposed to and bemoaning never getting promoted is passivity. Why wait and let someone else dictate outcomes? Choose your own path.

In the first one, I have decided to don't cohabit unless engaged and in the later for now I really have no choice than to keep working on my entree position in order to pay for my classes and finish my major but I sure don't want to stay at that forever.

[samsungxoxo]

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams

I guess there are certain things you have to experience it yourself.

[PegNosePete]

I'm not really sure what your thread is about then. You asked a question, I and others answered it for you, and now you're rejecting the answer. Well OK..... why bother asking? Were you seeking affirmation that your BF is acting unreasonably by not proposing to you? Do you think this is a sign that the relationship has problems? Do you think he is not committed to you because he hasn't put a ring on your finger?

[samsungxoxo]

I'm not really sure what your thread is about then. You asked a question, I and others answered it for you, and now you're rejecting the answer. Well OK..... why bother asking? Were you seeking affirmation that your BF is acting unreasonably by not proposing to you? Do you think this is a sign that the relationship has problems? Do you think he is not committed to you because he hasn't put a ring on your finger?

I've been single for a long while. I asked this because how many times have we heard of women living with their bf and waiting for the proposal for years!!! I've bumped into countless ''Help we've been together for 5 years, when is he going to propose'' threads over the years and I'm willing to bet there will be more of those.

 

So I was comparing that to never being promoted at a job. It must be sad for those that have been at their position for 5-10 years and nothing changed.

[Radu]

Well, i'll bite.

 

Yes, i guess the experience is similar, but probably way more soul-crushing in the case of never being proposed.

Makes one consider why they are not good enough for that, but just good enough for less.

[DorkBreakfast]

I can understand how it would negatively impact a marriage-minded person to not be proposed to. But I also personally believe that you can be committed without getting married. I don't know why it is such a huge deal to always be needing to make "that next big step" in a relationship. Just be honest and faithful to your partner and you've got it made.

 

Not being promoted in work is never the end of the world. Every time someone moves up, they usually become more disconnected with the real work being done. Drawing a comparison between never being promoted at work and never being proposed to is weak at best.

[isisisweeping]

I've been proposed to in all of me three longterm relationships and Two others...

 

And I'm still currently "unemployed".

 

[D-Lish]

I don't think you can equate success in relationships with success in the workplace- they are two different things.

 

I suck at romantic relationships- but I excel in the workplace. I'm two different people when it comes to work verses love. I demonstrate qualities at work that would make me a terrific wife if I could deal with my love life the same way I deal with my work life.

[MissBee]

I do want to get married and if I am in a serious exclusive relationship it will only be with someone who shares that value. If in the early stages of dating a man says explicitly that he doesn't want to be married or if he seems uncertain about that, we will be incompatible as far as our views on that and I wouldn't get into a serious relationship with him. Unless you were with this person since you were teens, I think in any adult relationship this is a pretty important thing to find out early on esp for those "marriage-minded", it's not some surprise at the end of the road but should be a very conscious choice when choosing a partner. Just like the kids discussion, I want kids and if I am entertaining a serious relationship I wouldn't do so with someone who is iffy or explicit that they don't want them.

 

I don't really look at it as a promotion in the sense that you are bestowed this if you work hard enough lol, I see it as something you should have discussed/had an idea about before becoming exclusive. If before becoming exclusive you are on the same page about marriage and both think it is the "next step" then that should reflect in your relationship, where with time it is brought up more seriously, discussed more as you become more serious, then eventually solidified.

 

I don't believe in surprise engagements, i.e. you've only discussed marriage in some abstract way or not at all and one person pops up with a ring and the works and on the spot that is when you get "promoted" lol. I believe the day of the official ring, will you marry me speech can be a surprise but not the fact of wanting to get married. The person asking you should already know you're gonna say yes because you have previously had a serious talk about it and have agreed you do want to take the next step. I see it as a mutual decision one makes in a serious relationship, then the romantic surprise of asking and so on is done as a surprise and formality later. I don't see it as a promotion because that just sounds like it is solely up to one person and something that you get chosen for and are surprised by and not a mutual decision that is discussed.

 

It's all about being forthright and communicating IMO. I want to be married so like I said it starts with me not getting serious about a man who doesn't want that or seems iffy about it. I would only get serious with someone who has expressed this as a goal for themselves as well. I would not move in or get serious with someone without a clue about this or only a vague idea then wait hopefully for a surprise proposal, that's crazy. That said, I know in our relationship it can only go one of two ways, increased commitment to marriage or we break up. If we're not breaking up and all is well, we will naturally start discussing our future, marriage etc and he will know darn well if I want to marry him and he me, as at some point it has come up as a serious "Do we want to do this" discussion. And as adults I think within 3 years of being in an exclusive relationship with someone who has expressed they want marriage, that that amount of time will not come and go without a serious discussion and without knowing where you stand. I am not saying someone HAS to propose in 3 years, I'm just saying that in a 3 year long serious relationship you should have a pretty good idea of where it is and isn't headed and if it is headed in the marriage direction there should/will be lots of talk and action in that regard.

Edited January 28, 2014 by MissBee