CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Hi, I am new here. I don't have many people to talk to about my situation and thought maybe talking to others through this website might help. So my husband and I have been married for 5 and half years and we also have two small children together. He is in tbe military, so he travels a lot every year. I just found out on New years that my husband had an affair with my former best friend. This was about 2 or 3 years ago. He can't give me a solid time line because he says be doesn't remember. He did say he had sex with her on four different occasions and there had been a lot of Facebook messaging and skyping between them for months. It was was strictly sexual. I have no doubt about that and know there were never any feelings between them. So of course I was a mess and couldn't believe he could have hurt me in this way. Another week goes by and I just have a feeling that there's a lot more he isn't saying. So I threaten to start digging into every email and skype account he owns, as well as Facebook messages. He flipped out and said you are gonna leave me when I see everything. Turns out there were two more women he had sex with, one of which was pregnant with another man's child. That alone is disgusting and sick. The other one was some women be met on Craigslist and took out to dinner then slept with her. With every women there was always texting and sexual skyping going on. The most recent tbing he has done is fooling around with (my now) ex best friend of 3 years. That's right.....two of my so called friends habe been with my husband. But he says he has talked to many many women online and through text. Purely sexual and talking dirty just to live out his sick fantasy. I had absolutely no idea this was going on and for so long. There was mention of him possibly having a sex addiction. I don't know how much of that crap I believe. I mean I mostly see it as an excuse, but then sometimes I don't. He would look at porn constantly......even at work when he was alone. Our therapist said something about it on our first night of meeting with her. And we didn't say a word to her about it. So sometimes I do feel he may have had an issue. Since I found out he hasn't done anything more with porn or other women. He has been around more, helping with kids, and just everyday responsibilities. It has been really nice considering I am used to him being self absorbed and lazy. He is showing me a lot more attention. He is extremely remorseful and says he's an idiot for doing this to me and our family. He has vowed to never ever hurt me in this way again. He also knows if he does anything like this again, I'm gone. There will be know more trying. Some days I feel hopeful and can see a wonderful future. The others I don't even know how I'm gonna make it through the day. It's pure agony. It's the worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Anyway, I wanted to share my story and hopefully get feedback from others who have been in this situation before. Advice, thoughts, your own stories, anything. I feel it will help tremendously to talk to others who have experienced this devastating pain. Thanks for reading.
tiredofitall2 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Your H has a sex addiction. This is nothing to do with you. He needs a lot of help. I'm not going to tell you to stay or leave, that's a very personal decision, but the main problem I see here is that he didn't think about you when he decided to sleep with your friends. I understand that he probably only saw them as sexual objects, but he should have considered the anguish he would put you through if you ever found out, as these were your friends. Perhaps he's so addicted that he can't see past the obvious. Have you been tested for STDs, has he?
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm really sorry for what you're going through. If you didn't have kids, I would say just leave this "self absorbed and lazy" cheater who has sex with pregnant other women, and two of your best friends, and a woman he met on craigslist, who happens to also "suffer" from sex addiction (doesn't sound like he's suffering too much). I don't know too much about sex addiction. How do you get it, anyway? By having sex too much with other women, then you get addicted to it? When I read lame excuses like this from cheaters I always have to fight off the voices in my head that are shouting "blah blah blah blah blah" while I'm reading. For the sake of your kids, and because you seem like you still love this guy, I guess you just do the best you can. It hasn't really been that long. Time will heal, IF he can stay on the "straight and narrow." One bright spot seems to be that he really didn't lie about it when he was caught. It's nice that he's helping out more around the house and with the kids, but that's not really what you need. You need to feel his romantic interest in you. Your mom or your sister probably would come by and help out around the house, your husband should be doing that plus some other stuff that seems like it's missing in your marriage. 2
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Also, what's up with your (ex) friends? 1
AirForceWife038 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I don't buy the sex addition claim either, seems like an excuse for spouses to not have to control themselves in a monogamous relationship. Being ex active duty myself and military wife for the last 20 years, I'm thinking your husbands needs a little repercussions for his actions. One phone call to his first sgt would do the trick, it is against the UCMJ and he knows it. i'm sorry you are going thru this, i'm going thru something similar and know how bad you are hurting
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Porn addiction can lead to loose boundaries sexually. Your husband will need very specific IC to address this if he is serious about repairing the marriage and himself. 2
TaraMaiden Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I don't buy the sex addition claim either, seems like an excuse for spouses to not have to control themselves in a monogamous relationship. Well, the jury' still out, but the behaviour is clearly not about the sex, believe it or not. Reading this may help.... Being ex active duty myself and military wife for the last 20 years, I'm thinking your husbands needs a little repercussions for his actions. One phone call to his first sgt would do the trick, it is against the UCMJ and he knows it. This may well have an effect on a practical level - and cause a lot more harm than intended good. And it won't necessarily stop the behaviour. What is urgently needed here is a discussion with a marriage Counsellor, preferably one trained in psychosexual therapy, and if necessary, referral. I say 'if necessary' because first things first: is he actually a 'sex addict' at all?
experiencethedevine Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I don't buy the sex addition claim either, seems like an excuse for spouses to not have to control themselves in a monogamous relationship. Being ex active duty myself and military wife for the last 20 years, I'm thinking your husbands needs a little repercussions for his actions. One phone call to his first sgt would do the trick, it is against the UCMJ and he knows it. i'm sorry you are going thru this, i'm going thru something similar and know how bad you are hurting My husband is an ex serviceman who had a 24 year career. I was also a serviceman's wife for 20 years. The protracted separations are not conducive to a healthy marriage, but one makes the best of the situation in the full knowledge that that is what we agree upon when we embark on married life with a serviceman. Our husbands are 'borrowed' for those periods when they are at home. They are (in my opinion and experience) viewed by the military establishment as their property, while the serviceman's family is a 'consequence' they are forced to contend with. It is easy for a serviceman to engage in clandestine activity with other women while their wives and families are at home living in blissful ignorance purely by virtue of those separations. You are absolutely right of course, the reputation of a serviceman is paramount to the establishment to which he belongs, and any behaviour that brings that establishment into disrepute is punishable according to military law and regulations. To the poster, I do believe actually that your husband is displaying the behaviour of a potential sex addict. There are online tests I have been made aware of that, if your husband is willing, he might initially investigate to ascertain whether an appropriate form of therapy is advantageous. I can tell you that from what you describe, some of his behaviour is similar to that of my husband many moons ago as a borderline porn addict. He had a choice. Get help or lose everything. He had very successful hypnotherapy. 1
AlwaysGrowing Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Viewing porn while at work indicates a blurring of lines, and boundary crossing. For most, it would be immediate grounds for termination of employment. If your husband can not control himself there, it only stands to reason he would cross even more boundaries during his personal time. MC at this point is moot. Until/unless the issue of porn/sex addiction is addressed what/who exactly are you in MC with? And how can you possibly have any control over it? It is his to own and his to repair.
yellowmaverick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I am so sorry, Crushed. Infidelity is very devastating. Just take one day at a time. Keep your radar up regardless of what he says or how he acts right now. You need to know the truth about your own life and you are very unlikely to get it from a serial adulterer and cheater. I hope that you know that HIS choice to cheat has nothing to do with who YOU are. You can't control him. You can't love him into being faithful. His cheating is 100% on him. Take care of yourself and get some professional help to sort through all of this. Only YOU can decide whether you can live with a serial cheater, but you don't have to decide today. I am very sorry for you and your children. 2
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Your H has a sex addiction. This is nothing to do with you. He needs a lot of help. I'm not going to tell you to stay or leave, that's a very personal decision, but the main problem I see here is that he didn't think about you when he decided to sleep with your friends. I understand that he probably only saw them as sexual objects, but he should have considered the anguish he would put you through if you ever found out, as these were your friends. Perhaps he's so addicted that he can't see past the obvious. Have you been tested for STDs, has he? I have not been tested yet. I plan to very soon, just have to get an appt. My husband getsbtested every year through the military, but I don't know when he was last tested.
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Also, what's up with your (ex) friends? What do you mean exactly? The first friend he slept with moved away and divorced her husband. She and I had a falling out well before I found out they slept together. The most recent incident with another best friend, had been a lot of txts, skype, and two meetings to fool around....no intercourse. Once I knew about her I told her how ****ty she is and to never speak to me again. She is now my ex friend.
Author CrushedGiver Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 I appreciate everyone's replies. It's nice to talk to others about. I want to talk about it all the time for some reason. I just want to constantly drill my husband with questions and tell him over and over how horrible it is. Although with two kids it's not an appropriate topic, so time is limited. So it does help to talk freely here whenever I need to. Thank you all so very much.
underpants Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 He is a serial cheater. He will do it again.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I've read just a few posts so this may be repetitive but just want to mention that though sex addiction may be an issue with your H I'd think he also has brokenness in other areas. One such area is probably self esteem. After the way he's lived so far I doubt he can just decide not to do it anymore and be successful at keeping his pledge without a lot of work on himself. He may do it for awhile but unless he solves whatever is at the core of his issues imho he'll slip up at some point. Many have probably posted, "It's not about you." Count me as one more poster weighing in with that opinion. I would think you also need some support (counseling or close friendship with some loving and wise people/person) in order to stay with him. If you stay with him perhaps you can help him realize he needs help. Sooner rather than later.
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