The_World Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Months after my breakup with my ex who dumped me for another guy. I got together with another girl. This girl happened to be my ex's bestfriend whose abusive boyfriend committed suicide just a month before. I met her because we hadn't talked in a long while and i wanted to help her overcome her depression because i felt like i had the tools to do it and that it was the right thing to do. Somehow i found out she was attracted to me and i was attracted to her too. We had sex. The thing is i feel like everything is going too fast. I feel guilty because she is making me forget my ex. I'm afraid i am only masking the pain instead of healing properly. I really like this girl but i'm not sure if thats only because she makes me forget or its because i really like her. I don't want to hurt her after what she has been through. I told her we can continue dating but we should stop having sex. I get the feeling she is a little insecure too. I want her to understand that it just doesn't feel right. I am just really confused. My ex doesn't know about our relationship yet. And the girl i'm dating now says that if we do become official, she will first ask permission from my ex. I just need some perspective. I'm feeling really confused now. I just want to enter the relationship without comparing her to my ex, or feeling guilty or feeling like something is going to be wrong. Please help.
True Gent Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) Firstly I'd say neither of you need permission from your ex. She chose to leave you she has no say in this at all. Reading your post you say this girl is helping you forget your ex. That isn't a bad thing, it reads like you actually care for this girl. I think cooling off the sex and just dating eachother shouldn't do any harm as long as you're both open about your feelings. If you like each others company and want to date I don't see why you shouldn't. As long as you aren't just trying to fill the gap left by your ex and you take it easy just enjoy being around each other I would say just be careful, you've both got issues to deal with. Edited January 26, 2014 by True Gent
HeartinPain Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 It seems she is using you as a rebound to soothe her after her bf's suicide. "Abusive" or not she still needs time to grieve the person and the relationship. I would be very careful... the relationship already started on shaky ground and it may end with a lot of people hurt. In regards to your ex, as adults you do not need permission. Your ex left you and you are free to do as you please. If you are not over the ex, then you are not being fair to the new girl who is going through a difficult time.
lop98 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 What she's going through is very difficult but unfortunately, her poor values are coming out in all their brightness. I would be careful, and if I were you I would actually run for the hills, I'm sure she's making you 'forget' your ex but deep bottom you know there are a lot of things that are not quite right, for example getting involved with someone willing to sleep with the ex of a so-called best friend, no amount of pain is an excuse to betray and inflict even more pain in others, providing their friendship is genuine, and you grabbing a role when there are plenty of girls out there isn't helping. In addition to this, don't think that just like she's willing to kick her best friend in the back there will be some integrity hidden in her to prevent her doing the same to you... the fact that she's leading you on when she knows damn well she's in no state to start a relationship should give you a hint. The forecast is: everyone will get more hurt. And no, your ex leaving you never an excuse to take the low road.
Author The_World Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 To avoid more confusion, im gonna call my ex A and this new girl B. A has constantly hurt me by leading me on while dating about 3 different guys and come running back to me each time each guy doesn't work out. The most recent one happened to be a guy i trusted and she is now sleeping with him. I tried to take the high road but enough is enough so i cut contact with her. As for B, we had feelings for each other a long time ago but that was when i was still with A so obviously nothing happened. Now though, i've already been officially broken up with A for a year and B has just gotten out of this abusive relationship. I don't feel there is anything morally wrong with our relationship. Sadly i felt like i introduced sex too soon and i regret it. I'm starting to like her more and more and i want to make sure that we are genuinely compatible as friends before continuing down this path. I feel like rushing into sex so soon can only lead to disaster. lop98 i get your point but no there is no "betrayal" involved simply because my ex has no right over me anymore. In fact, B has decided to ask for her approval before we continue so as to not hurt their friendship. Yes the sex was a mistake but it happened. We were physically attracted to each other. My only fear now is that perhaps both of us are just blinded by our hurt and are mistaking it for love. I feel like going slow for now is the best way to prove if it was "meant to be". Its scary but to me it feels like the right thing to do. I kinda think it is unfair at this point to dismiss this relationship as "doomed to fail". Just afraid she will feel like im leading her on at this point. She has been through a lot. I dont want to further add to that. What do you guys think is the best move at this point?
bubbaganoosh Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I don't think that she's you Ex's best friend because if she was such a good friend, she wouldn't be seeing you. That could really make things really sticky if she sees you with her best friend. I wouldn't touch my best friends ex girlfriends because it's bad medicine.
Author The_World Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 This is really bullsh*t. My ex toyed with my heart for about a year plus, treated me as her boy toy or teddybear idk, and sleeps with people i know. Yet i'm not allowed to properly fall in love with her friend? Its stupid because if i had met that friend in other circumstances, we'd definitely be together no problem. Now there is all this added drama and tension. I just want to find my own happiness.
lop98 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 but no there is no "betrayal" involved simply because my ex has no right over me anymore. I wasn't referring to you but the friendship betrayal that's going on. You don't owe any explanations to your ex. She does. Good luck figuring out if it's meant to be in a time when anger and pain are taking the wheel. And good luck extracting happiness from someone else when that usually comes from within and in times like this obviously takes some healing. I don't doubt it will work, a lot of relationships are founded in a lot worse, but don't be surprised when in one or two years down the road, when the fog and pain has gone, you start questioning who you are with and what you chose then. Or when she starts doing it anyway...
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