so messed up

[whythis]

hi

for once in my life i want to be 100 percent honest. i really need help. even as i type these words to strangers i still feel the need to manipulate them or script them in a way that i am comfortable with so please forgive me but i will try my best.

 

firstly, i think it's important to explain me. maybe you'll understand more than i do. i'm attractive, i am constantly thinking, i have a hard time feeling...like normal day things. this has been going on for a while. i am currently not doing anything with my life ( though i lie to everyone about that). i am married and i have had several lovers. 2 of which are also married.

 

i got married 4 years ago. i am 29 years old and my husband is 33. i fell insanely in love with him when we first met, we were together and it was wonderful. i always feared he'd leave. i also never could be with anyone and not know there would be full commitment at some point. needless to say topic of marriage came up quickly, and we were/are so much in love that i was very happy and also i had 'confirmation' he MUST love me.

 

problems started right after marriage. my feelings just 'died'. as in i couldn't feel ANYTHING but ever so often the haze that always surrounds me would be removed and then i'd feel. anyway the point of all this isn't to paint myself as a victim but rather to give you an understanding.

 

at this point i drank a lot. husband away at work a lot. i was miserable in my own skin. can't open up to family anyway (i spent so much time trying to separate myself emotionally from them). can't to friends either. emotional intimacy makes me feel sick when it comes to platonic relationships. and so i've thrown myself into these 'affairs' that do nothing for me but create excitement (for the few hours). and then served to destroy me more.

 

i guess i'm selfish. i should tell him, i should leave him but i can't. i can't or i won't or... i don't know what i feel anymore or who i am or what i am. i've had 4 lovers. none of which i've had anything to do with in the past year(physically). the thought of losing him makes me sick but also makes me feel as if i can start over again. my brain is sick i know that but frankly i don't even know what the point of this post is anymore. maybe just looking for someone who has felt/feels this? or knows. i know i'm a terrible woman, i know he deserves better so please refrain from telling me all the terrible things about myself as i know. i feel frozen. and though you all strangers, i can't bear the idea i'm about to press enter.

 

thank you for listening.

[Ruffian1]

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these 'affairs' that do nothing for me but create excitement (for the few hours). and then served to destroy me more.

 

\

 

Ok just briefly here, and just an opinion of mine. I am no expert or psychologist by an means.

 

You have realized that these A's or hurting you. Good.

You need to ask yourself some hard questions.

 

What do you want for your life?

Something of substance and not brief flashes then gone?

Life is hard, for everyone. There are no quick fixes.

You must realize your self-worth, find contentment in your soul from within and not from outside sources (A's).

Decide what you deep down truly want, what you want for you life to be like (and the man in your life) and how to get there.

 

Most things in life that are worth pursuing and are of excellent quality don't come easy and need hard work to attain. (I am not talking material stuff here).

Cut back on the drinking, it does not help matters, just clouds your judgment.

Stop. Think. Analyze. Do no harm to yourself or others.

Things go good. Things go bad. Life goes on. Same story for all of us, we were born to die, so make the most of what's in between while doing unto other as we would have them do to us.

It's there within you. You can do it

Edited January 26, 2014 by Ruffian1
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[whythis]

Thank you. You are right. I really seem to not have self worth or belief in myself for the most part. I think its also cause I come across like I have it together or look like I do at least, I guess im starting to believe my own lies or rather the cultivated image ive created for myself.

 

Thank you so much for your words. Really aprpeciate it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Is it possible that when you were a child you put up barriers around your heart so that you didn't have to experience hurtful things that happened to you or were occurring around you?

 

Is it possible that one or both of your parents denied you the right to have feelings in some way? Maybe by disrespecting your feelings and/or by not acknowledging them? So that you got to the place you believe your feelings aren't important?

 

Also, is it possible that you were crazy about your H to begin with and misinterpreted admiration and strong attraction for love?

 

Do you believe you have ever been loved or know what love is?

 

As a child did you have at least one adult in your life (parent, grandparent or a person with a consistent presence in your life) who loved you unconditionally and was loyal to you?

[d0nnivain]

You need help beyond what you are going to get on a message board. You need to see a therapist to find out why your self esteem is so low & what you can do to improve it.

[Quiet Storm]

It sounds like you had a difficult childhood and learned to disassociate yourself from your feelings. This is our brains way of protecting children from emotional pain. As a child, it is very beneficial because you don't have control over your circumstances.

 

The problem is that when you grow up, it becomes your "default" and numbs all feelings. You end up doing extreme things to feel something- like substances, self harm, affairs, etc.

 

You need therapy. You can't undo this on your own. You will bring pain to those that you love, and will continue to make self destructive choices. You need help.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[georgia girl]

You just broke my heart. Not with what you've done, but with how little you value yourself.

 

You realize that you're pretty amazing, right? That you are the only one of you in the world? That you can do some things much better than others around you? Some things not as well? That there are some things that you do that are just plain engaging, fun, cute or kind? That there are some things that are irritating and annoying?

 

You realize that you are young and you have this whole life ahead of you? And that we get several chances in life - that we can script our own disaster or author or own successes as many times as we choose to?

 

It takes just one choice to being authoring your own success. One thing that makes you feel healthy and safe and strong. What will that be today? Can you think of one thing that you could do today that at some point this evening you could walk into the bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and smile at yourself and tell yourself that you are good?

 

Hugs, hugs and hugs!

[Appreciate]

Sounds like you were depressed and had low self-esteem.

 

Why weren't you doing anything with your life? Were you not working at the time you got married, were you planning on having kids?

 

How did you meet your husband? Were either of you in another relationship at the time?

 

You may not be a terrible person but you have done some terrible things. Your husband would be utterly shocked and destroyed to know you had 4 lovers. You are a serial cheater and you should really seek counseling to find out why you do what you do. Let me ask you.. are you the instigator of these affairs? Do you seek it out or are you just putting out signals?

[whythis]

Sorry for bailing. You all took the time to listen to me and I'm back to provide some answers. However firstly thank you for taking the time to listen. I appreciate it more than I can say. Secondly, I am also here to give insight to anyone who is interested in the contextual background/mind frame of someone who behaves as abysmally as I have. Disclaimer: I am most certainly not trying at all to excuse my behaviour. I know I acted like sh*t and frankly mind frame wise, not sure anything has changed.

 

Growing up, I had a really hard childhood/teenage years. I was always provided for but as one person asked, I never had unconditional love. Ever. My mom was a fanatic in many senses and that aside I was not allowed to show case emotions at all. I was made to feel disgusting for being upset( though in fairness, I chose to feel disgusting). I was made to feel very guilty for going through puberty. My body disgusted me and so started a life time of body issues. I hid my period for 3 years because the idea of asking my mom for a pad repulsed me. I equally longed and was disgusted by the idea of anyone knowing how bad my life and heart was. I was already extremely different as it was ( my background is insanely mixed culturally religion and colour) and had never had roots growing up.

 

I wasn't really allowed to have friends and created a somewhat cheery persona for myself in some schools and reclusive in others. I didn't want to stand out too much or become popular, reason being: for what? My family life was sh*t and the last thing I needed was emphasis on it.

 

. I spent the years following high school distancing self from family. While they did change and recognise their mistakes, I think I am not over it. I have largely forgiven but to date I am unable to have emotional intimacy with anyone outside the context of men. Even before my affairs I'd only ever really 'breakdown' or be honest if it was with a man I was with in whatever context.

 

In reference to husband, I did fall in love with him. I met him and no one ever made me happier. I imagine some of you shaking head in disbelief but its true and thats how I can't understand how all this happened. However issues started during wedding period. Mom made it more about her. She wanted more control and I guess the usual mom daughter wedding frenzy took a huge toll on me. I acted out A LOT. and naturally made to feel guilty for it though in fairness, I deserved it as I was acting like a big child who couldnt get her way. Would you believe after wedding night, I dragged husband to my mom's house so I could 'make sure' she was happy as I felt so guilty that she was upset at me.

 

ANYWAY, back to the real topic. The affairs. First one 2 years in. I was drunk and in an emotional state. He was also married. I was kind of numb through it all. It felt like escapism. Like an out of body experience. After that, it was like a rollar coaster. It never happened again with him(sex) but we met up twice for drinks and he would listen to me as I told him of issues. Yeah, there seems to be a pattern I guess. All my 'affairs' whether physical or not felt like escapism. I could break down cry be upset. Feel. Whatever you call it. But I don't want to be this person anymore. Only one of them I developed real feelings for ( husband and me separated during this period), he always told me the things I wanted to hear. Made me feel special and then when I was further in, told me he needed to focus on his girlfriend. If this whole topic wasn't so sordid, I'd laugh. I was finally maybe almost single and he shrugged me aside, let that be a lesson to anyone that thinks for the most part affairs translate into real life.

 

After I made this post, I did go to a counselor but I didn't like him so I am finding another one for next week. As for 'admittance', I have broached topic with husband before but he told me he doesn't want to know anything that happened last year as it was a bad year all around.

 

I am not doing what I did anymore but I certainly don't know where I even am. I feel nothing. The world feels far away. And for anyone reading, I will go to a counselor but I guess I just am desperate. I can't connect with anyone. I lie all the time. I'm not doing anything with life right now because i'm so stretched thin by friends and obligations and guilt and fear of what family will think of what i really want to do. the only person who truly loves me and is there is husband and look what i did to him. remorse has only entered my heart and i HATE myself for WHO I AM.

 

Oh and in reference to my work before. I never made it past month 5 in any job. I was working when I met my then husband but got fired shortly after. I hopped around a lot.

Edited February 2, 2014 by whythis

[Ruffian1]

.

remorse has only entered my heart and i HATE myself for WHO I AM.

 

You need to forgive yourself. Your actions can only define you if you keep doing the actions.

 

Do you have at least one goal in mind you can work towards?

 

Job? Exercise? Counseling to help you realize what you want for yourself and how to get there?

 

If you feel you do not love your H the way you should for the long run, perhaps you should tell him and move on away from him.

[Survivor12]

First, I must tell you that I have no professional background in psychology--just an interest in--and many years spent observing--human nature.

 

My theory: You are afraid to show anyone your weaknesses, particularly those closest to you--the ones whose opinions matter most. You fear that if you reveal yourself, they will not love you, will pity you, think you are unworthy of their attention and--most of all--will abandon you.

 

You have pretended to be who you believe people want or expect you to be, and you live in fear of your big lie being discovered so you move from own job to another and engage in affairs so that you can--however briefly--be yourself. I would also guess that you may also hold back sexually with your husband because you want him to believe that you are a "good" girl and have some issues with accepting that your sexuality is not bad or "dirty".

 

You suffer from extreme co-dependency and fear of abandonment. The good news is that counseling can help you discover who you are and help you learn to live an authentic life.

 

Again, this is just my take based on what you have written. Please disregard if I've interpreted wrong.

[whythis]

absolutely. your words really resonated with me. i don't know why i am unable to be comfortable with my own emotions. i am an act.

 

in reference to my husband, i do believe i love him because in the flashes of 'realness' i have i feel it but then again my self desires override that so i don't know.. i dont even know what i feel about anything so its hard to say. i just know i have a pattern at dismissing what loves me. it happened in my last serious relationship. i regretted breaking up with him for years ago. not to say this would be the same case but somehow deep and far away in my heart, i believe this had these issues are blinding me from seeing ANYTHING clearly.

 

my own sister who i love more than anything. even being open with her makes me want to feel i will vomit in disgust. thank you. all these is helping me.

[wistfulgirl]

You just replied to one of my posts so had to look at yours and youre right - can see sooo many similarities (even down to wedding being completely taken over, although mine was from mother in law). My sister is the closest person in the world to me too! And also your problems seemed to start (or maybe become more apparent) after marriage...I am the same.

 

I heard a quote recently, "we accept the love we think we deserve"...perhaps you feel undeserving of your husbands love and push him away to chase after a fantasy or those who only "love" you on their terms or who's feelings change so often you constantly have to try and measure up to their expectations and prove yourself worthy (I have realised through self reflection and therapy that I certainly do that)..

 

 

Also perhaps your recent AP who left you when got serious had similar responses, who knows.

 

 

Is interesting and rather strange to read post from someone who has had such similar experiences to myself, can hopefully support each other through this bad times were both going through xxx

[whythis]

Hey thanks for your response.As I read your experience with ex AP I seriously contemplated whether we had the same ex AP! Just to give a brief background, as I stated earlier unfortunately I cheated 4 times, not all sex but cheating nontheless. However 3 of them were one offs, it was only this particular AP that i had an affair with. he said all the right things, he knew how vulnerable i was, i opened up a lot to him. me and husband were in a horrible state and i had moved out. clearly there was a lot going on but i just felt or maybe needed AP as escape. regardless i grew strong feelings and even though he started being more distant, i just tried harder and harder to keep him.

 

As opposed to trying to work on my marriage which was crumbling at the time, i focused all my energy on him. why did he not want me as before? and just as i would slowly give up, he would return with renewed ardour. how many times i cried and said i couldnt do this anymore. and bear in mind, like yours, mine was also single, commitment phobe bla bla.

 

it all hit the roof during my separation. i was in the throes of one of the worst depressions ive ever had ( i suffer from extreme anxiety/bipolar). he took me out, made me feel special. i felt maybe we could be together. i said what i felt and he told me that he had to focus on his girlfriend?!

 

that shattered me. i stopped all communication with him. over time i decided on my own accord, i did want to try with my husband. i do want to work on marriage but that mental energy from ex ap would not let me be. I realise now that it was because by rejecting me or not wanting me as i though he did, i wasn't being validated. my fears of not being good enough to be accepted where personified in him. he saw so much of me and ME wasn't good enough. i think thats maybe also one of the reasons u cant let go of how he ended it. what does it say about you if he was able to switch off? i know how you feel but what i want you to maybe see is, i dont think this is about your husband or your marriage or even him. its about you. his way of ending it might have made you think you weren't good enough.

 

at least i did. it really really hurt me. i would love to help eachother through this awful journey. im starting counseling as well. hopefully it'll help

[wistfulgirl]

Can you PM yet? Or do you have an email address (without your name or any identifying info on!) that you can put on here so can chat more? Xxx