allenpo123 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm kind of annoyed that this new guy I'm dating, never initiates to plan the date. He msges me a lot, and somehow we end up discussing what are we going to do together on the weekend. He always wants me to come up with the time and place saying "I'm not good at making plans..." and that he's a foreigner. I feel like he isn't really into the date because he wouldn't plan for it, but when I meet him he seems really interested and enjoys our conversations. So.... Why won't he just ask me out and plan the whole thing!! Or is he bored and is just using me to kill time...? He told me he used to be scared to talk to girls until he was in college, and has never been on a date before because it was banned in society (he's indian, I don't think he knows how to chase a girl at all) But... ?? What's his deal I really don't know. And, when we cross the streets, he always goes about his own, and doesn't look after me. But I would, even when it's a friend, college or whatever. You'd watch out for cars for the person you're walking with. He just leaves me there it sucks.
GemmaUK Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm kind of annoyed that this new guy I'm dating, never initiates to plan the date. He msges me a lot, and somehow we end up discussing what are we going to do together on the weekend. He always wants me to come up with the time and place saying "I'm not good at making plans..." and that he's a foreigner. I feel like he isn't really into the date because he wouldn't plan for it, but when I meet him he seems really interested and enjoys our conversations. So.... Why won't he just ask me out and plan the whole thing!! Or is he bored and is just using me to kill time...? He told me he used to be scared to talk to girls until he was in college, and has never been on a date before because it was banned in society (he's indian, I don't think he knows how to chase a girl at all) But... ?? What's his deal I really don't know. And, when we cross the streets, he always goes about his own, and doesn't look after me. But I would, even when it's a friend, college or whatever. You'd watch out for cars for the person you're walking with. He just leaves me there it sucks. Sounds like it could just be a cultural thing. I have a few friends who are Indian and for those couples the woman is the one who takes care of finances - perhaps that could be why he wants you to make the arrangements for a date? It could be that he is just inexperienced in dating of course. The walking across a road part made me chuckle and this is something I see a lot that the man walks in front and his partner a few feet behind. One of the couples I know makes a joke of it by saying that the women walk behind so that if any money falls out of his pocket they see it, pick it up and it then belongs to her. She also says (again jokingly) it's because she would rather no one knows she is with him. As to the real reason why a man will walk in front I don't know - and obviously I could be totally wrong that it's cultural.
FitChick Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 If you are planning the dates you get to go where YOU want to go and he pays for it. I don't see a downside. When you cross the street, grab him by the arm. Problem sorted! In India I am guessing they don't date because they have arranged marriages. I'd be careful about getting involved because some Indians have wives already picked out for them.
Haydn Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 hmmm, India is technically the biggest democracy in the world. Lots of things go there and yes arranged marriages if you are in that system but millions are not. Been to Delhi a few times and it was fantastic. He sounds just rude. I'm kind of annoyed that this new guy I'm dating, never initiates to plan the date. He msges me a lot, and somehow we end up discussing what are we going to do together on the weekend. He always wants me to come up with the time and place saying "I'm not good at making plans..." and that he's a foreigner. I feel like he isn't really into the date because he wouldn't plan for it, but when I meet him he seems really interested and enjoys our conversations. So.... Why won't he just ask me out and plan the whole thing!! Or is he bored and is just using me to kill time...? He told me he used to be scared to talk to girls until he was in college, and has never been on a date before because it was banned in society (he's indian, I don't think he knows how to chase a girl at all) But... ?? What's his deal I really don't know. And, when we cross the streets, he always goes about his own, and doesn't look after me. But I would, even when it's a friend, college or whatever. You'd watch out for cars for the person you're walking with. He just leaves me there it sucks.
Author allenpo123 Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 If you are planning the dates you get to go where YOU want to go and he pays for it. I don't see a downside. When you cross the street, grab him by the arm. Problem sorted! In India I am guessing they don't date because they have arranged marriages. I'd be careful about getting involved because some Indians have wives already picked out for them. Yes, I'm also kind of worried that he already has a wife picked out for them. From what I know, he's from a quite traditional family, he is the only one in his entire family (including that huge numbers of relatives) has ever been out of India. His brother is getting married in a couple months, and it is a love marriage which he said would have full of obstacles because whenever something bad happens to the family, they will blame on the love marriage. He's happy for his brother because it means maybe he can have a love marriage too. I feel like this is red flags all over, but I'm not planning to get married until 30, and I'm 24 now, so I thought maybe a little dating would do no harm? But I just can't figure if he's rude, or just lack dating experience.
soccerrprp Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 India is a patriarchal society. It may be the largest democracy, but only in it's method of selecting government. It is far from a progressive society. Unjust/discriminatory caste system, arranged marriages, pervasive poverty and corruption, this guy's views are going to be very foreign to you. The walking ahead of you is likely cultural. The women walk behind the men, again a reminder of the patriarchal society he comes from. I have a dear female friend who was asked on a date from an Indian gentleman and realized immediately that cultural differences were going to be insurmountable. I don't think he's just being rude. I think, for you, it may be much more unacceptable....it's his culture and expectation. Not compatible for you.
d0nnivain Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 My husband plans nothing. I "make" him plan 2-3 dates per year: my birthday & the occasional anniversary. Try telling him you'd like him to plan something & see what happens. If he still does nothing, you have to determine if you are OK with always planning everything.
StanMusial Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 "Dating" is a completely foreign concept to him. He told you this. I would believe him, trust me, I know a lot of Indians and he sounds like one. There's no point in complaining. If you want the regular "dating experience" you better find someone with a similar background/heritage to yourself.
Author allenpo123 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Thanks guys, I went out with him again, and we shared some of our dating experiences in our past, and yes, I think it really is a cultural thing. He isn't in the time and place to be in a long-term relationship either, he made it clear to me. (family, money..etc) I guess that goes with a lot of Indian men. I think I maybe looking for a more committed long-term relationship, so yeah, you guys are right, I should look into guys from the same culture as I. Thanks again guys
Author allenpo123 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 An update. Last night I went out with him, it was kind of romantic, so we ended up cuddling, kissing, holding hands, he was playing with my hair and everything was very sweet. We admitted we had liked each other. It was very sweet but after we kissed I felt it was going too fast and told him right at the spot. I went out with him again tonight, he said he wanted to "talk to me". And yes, it is "the talk". He said he agreed we are moving too fast, and that he's not in the right time and place to be in a relationship. He's not sure where he would be and how long he would stay in my country. I agreed to that and said I was also afraid of that too. My previous bf had the same situation as he did, and I didn't want to go over that again. I feel rejected, but it's the right thing to do. I just wish I had first say on this. If I were the one to tell him first I think maybe I'd feel a lot better? He was sweet, but I think on the other hand, I just wanted to be loved. But I have to admit that I was starting to develop feelings... I should be glad that he is this honest. He said we can hang out as friends again, but to me, if he's not bf potential, I wouldn't want to waste time on him. Emm... Yeah.
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