dichotomy Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Perhaps hypothetical for any of you single OW - what would happen if you met a single new guy and had some feelings for him? What then? Break up with MM? Take a break from MM for a short while? try dating the new single guy for a while (overlap), not tell MM or single man about each other? maybe down shift MM to EA, ignore feelings and stay exclusive with MM? Or....? No judgements - just asking. 2
GG3 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I've been wondering what I will do when the times comes. I've been thinking overlap at first. I have been going on dates and trying to meet someone. If i start dating that person and there is a lot of chemistry then I aant to try to distance myself from the other person and probably not say why.
SolG Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Great question. I'm curious too as to what other OW would do. Irrelevant for me as I'm not only not looking right now, I'm not even seeing. Wasn't looking before MM; and if things don't work out, don't intend to look after the A either.
liloldlady Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Perhaps hypothetical for any of you single OW - what would happen if you met a single new guy and had some feelings for him? No need for me to be hypothetical. I like the guy. He's super cute and loves to go out. not tell MM or single man about each other? That's where I am right now, because there's really nothing to tell. If it comes up in conversation with CM, I can tell him about it, no biggie.
bentleychic Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm totally not looking or open to anyone else, BUT if by some huge chance that happened and I decided to pursue a relationship with the other guy, I would break up with MM first. I don't believe in having that type of relationship with more than one person and have always felt that the right thing to do was leave one relationship before starting with another (as hypocritical as that may sound since I'm involved with a MM). I do believe that if you love two people, you should stick with the latter because if you REALLY loved the first person that much, you wouldn't have fallen in love with the second to begin with. (MY feelings for my life and I'm sure many here won't agree with them.) As far as being with both and not telling either, I am totally not built that way. There's no way that I could do it. Also, I don't date for fun. I date with the purpose of finding someone to be with so it would be totally against my own instincts to date two people at once. 2
liloldlady Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I don't believe in having that type of relationship with more than one person Me, either. But if all I'm doing is going out for sushi and hiking, etc., that's basically a friendship. I do believe that if you love two people, you should stick with the latter because if you REALLY loved the first person that much, you wouldn't have fallen in love with the second to begin with. (MY feelings for my life and I'm sure many here won't agree with them.) Johnny Depp agrees with you. He said the exact same thing. As far as being with both and not telling either, I am totally not built that way. There's no way that I could do it. Also, I don't date for fun. I date with the purpose of finding someone to be with so it would be totally against my own instincts to date two people at once. Interesting!
Author dichotomy Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Me, either. But if all I'm doing is going out for sushi and hiking, etc., that's basically a friendship. Is this the new single guy to which you are referring here? ....and if it is - and more feelings develop ...or maybe it gets sexual (if its not already) ?
liloldlady Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 or maybe it gets sexual (if its not already) ? Oh no no no I do not sleep with more than one person at a time.
skylarblue Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Hypothetically, I imagine I would've discussed it with him and we'd have come to a conclusion. We had the discussion several times IRL about when I and/or me wanting to pursue a normal R (sans having met someone already). We discussed options of breaking up altogether, staying together until it turned physical, me carrying on both R indefinitely. Several times he expressed that he didn't want me to date anyone at all. Ultimately in our breakup I told him for me to be able to have a R, I couldn't stay in one with him. I would never be able to give my 100% or even have a chance of trying to develop anything if he and I were together. He didn't want it or like it and tried to talk me out of it, but I needed a healthier and more fulfilling R.
glow worm Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I meet single guys and date, now and then, and my CM knows that I do (he says he does feel jealous about it but that he knows that he has no right, given that he's the one with a live-in partner.) So far it's just casual dating, a lot of beach trips and hiking, checking out new restaurants, and an occasional movie. Since it's casual dating and never gotten sexual, there is overlap between the single guys I've dated and the MM. However, if I were to start developing feelings and sexual desire for a new single guy and see real relationship potential, I would definitely end things with CM, or put them on a NC hiatus. 1
hippetyhop Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Considering my xMM told me that "he just needs me as a friend right now (by his own design), everything will fall into place, what will be, will be"--I'm in the market and looking for a single guy! If my xMM wants to play games, so be it. What will be will be if I find someone new.
Author dichotomy Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) FYI - thanks again for the honest replies. I will share this in response. My (now wife) decided once she met me and we became sexual ...to downshift from PA to EA with long term MM. She did not go full NC, nor did she tell me who he had been/was until after we married. There was still an emotional bond that she had difficulty breaking -expressed emotions - but he of course wanted the full PA to resume and kept trying even after we married. NC was established then by me. Just wondering really - how easy it would for many in this situation to simply go complete cold turkey and complete NC (nothing at all - zip - no calls no emails - no emotion) with OM - IF or once you met and got physically involved with a single guy you cared about. Edited January 27, 2014 by dichotomy
sunburned Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 Someone here (I think Baby123) fairly recently posted about ditching her MM once she met a single new guy close to her age. The MM had apparently already left his family for her too. I got the impression she had no regrets. I almost felt sorry for the married guy :/ It did make me think someone special and appropriate may be just around the corner for all you single OW and you will miss them completely if your backs are turned fussing over another's husband.
Popsicle Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I wasn't open to other men at all when I was with exMM, but if I had met a single guy that I wanted to date, then I would have went with him and stopped seeing MM.
GypsumSatellite Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I went on a few dates during the early days of our A because he urged me to see what was out there. I went on a few dates that did nothing for me in the feelings department. I had an old friend who I had past feelings for show up out of the blue one day and MM noticed the change in me just on the tone of voice I used when speaking about that friend. MM was livid, as you could guess. He asked me "Is that what you want?" Huh? You want him?" and I didn't necessarily want him but I knew I didn't want to lose MM. Solved the entire toe-dip into the dating world for me. If I went on a dinner date I was met with attitude, if I sounded like I enjoyed someone's company I was met with suspicion and silent punishments. Have I had fleeting feelings for men I've met before during my R with my MM? Sure, MM is not the only man who can tickle my attributes of attraction list. It's just my attraction to my MM is greater than any foundling feelings I may have for those single and available men. We have a policy, though. If I intend to attempt to date, I let him know. It's just, as in the past, he'll curb it by all means.
GG3 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 If I met someone i really wanted I do not think it would be hard for me at all to move on and emotionally detach. It's easy to move on to someone you are really into and is available to you full-time rather than stick with something that gives crumbs. I would feel bad for the MM because he might feel rejected or hurt but that is it.
Crazy_Love Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I desperately wish I could find a single man who I develop feelings for but I'm totally in love with my MM. So I've tried to date and met some wonderful men but feel no attraction for them. I so wish I would because I think that's the only thing that will help me stay away from him. Ugh.
MissBee Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 I think it is actually difficult for an OW to meet someone and be genuinely open for a new relationship while heavily invested in MM and treating him as a bf. If you're seeing a MM as a friend with benefits it's one thing but if you think of him as your boyfriend it's almost impossible to genuinely be available for anything else and most OW who "meet someone" usually choose the A over breaking it off with MM and giving it a shot. For me, I dated while in the A but it was a strange thing. On one hand I dated to preserve my freedom and to not be committed to someone committed elsewhere, as I just felt it would be dumb to do that, but in reality, although I dated I was not emotionally available for any kind of real relationship, even with men who could have potentially been great single bfs, because I was in love with him. So in my case, I dated, I didn't tell my exAP about it for the most part, but most of it wasn't anything serious.
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