Boyfriend says doesnt love me anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

I told him not to come. Like all of you including , OhThatGirl suggested. His reply was something like "If it was upto me , I wouldnt have come. I was coming for you ".

 

For me? So now he suddenly cares about what I want? I told him I dont want him to come over this way and he even doesnt have a slight courtsey to atleast call and break it up. He did that on a blpdy text. Right now I am feeling mad and angry towards him. Whats worse is I still love him. But i know NC is the best way. I am scared. I read a lot of posts where people are saying they never really get over their first loves and always compare their first love to the rest. I am scared. I dont whant that. As soon as

turn my head I see something that reminds me of him. I havent eaten a single thung for 27 hrs now and. I still feel i am gonna throw up. It seems so surrealnd

 

And then I kind of get tempted to call him or text h. Its so hard. I dont knownwat to do? I refret pushing everyone away to make this work. I have noone now. Thats all I feel.

 

That's totally bullcrap that he dumped you via text.

 

You should see the thread by ABwoman who dumped a guy via text after 2.5 months. Wow. They sure tore her up!

 

And yes, you are not going to sleep well for a bit and you will drop a few pounds for sure.

 

Expect the healing to take about six months. It's called a "deep limbic injury" and it's probably your first real one. No one tells you just how awful they are. In the movies and films it looks like someone cries like the "first world problems" meme and than two days later they are dating someone else without a care in the world. Nope. It doesn't work that way. Except for narcissists and sociopaths.

 

It's not going to be completely bleak the WHOLE six months. It may not even BE SIX MONTHS.

 

When I see people on here saying "3 years/ 7 years/ been married 30 years and still want my childhood sweetheart." I honestly think that there's an underlying issue fuelling that. It ciuld be something like depression or an inability to validate oneself. Often they've idealized their former partners (sometimes even as a way to not get too close and get hurt by their very real and current partners.) Something about long-term unrequited love smacks of a destructive pathology to me.

 

Because the truth is we CHANGE and so do those former loves we had.

I have changed so much since I was with my last ex and the ones before him. I have no doubt that they have changed as well (for better or for worse who can say).

 

The things that my 18-year old heart wanted, my 30-year old heart is actually repulsed by!

 

What we need to find (if we are so minded) is a good "long-haul" partner. Someone we can grow and change WITH. This means someone who is not rigid and conflict-avoidant. We need soneone who is both compassionate but with strong personal boundaries.

 

But most importantly, we need to be that person first.

 

You don't want to be with a conflict-avoidant text-dumper, right?

 

Regardless of "who he is" how he has treated you while you are STILL DATING is just the pits.

 

He may have been a great boyfriend AT THE TIME. But unfortunately because of his conflict; avoidance he didn't give you the opportunity to see the whole picture. What he was really all about.

 

In a sense, be glad you discovered he was avoidant before marriage/kids/abandonment and/or his having a girlfriend on the side.

 

And I know it is hard to believe. But the pain from having someone cheat is worse. It's the "gift that keeps on giving."

 

I am not saying that from a "just wait until you have kids.....blah blah blah" kind of perspective.

I remember my engagement falling apart and a woman telling me. "Oh I get it. I had it so much worse going through a divorce and all. You'll get over this breakup."

 

I get what she was saying. But at the stage of my breakup, I was also losing the chance and dream to be married/family/kids. I kinda felt like "Lady, I don't even get the CHANCE to divorce."

 

But don't worry, you will!

 

There's another guy out there for you right now and somewhere in the future you'll think, "oh my God does he ever piss me off! Maybe I should get a consult with a lawyer!"

 

Don't worry. This is far from the end of your romantic worries! You'll get to marital fighting someday!

 

Until then, stay NC. See that's another thing.....conflict-avoidance doesn't mean that there's no fighting. It just means that they aren't constructive or pro-active about dealing with issues. So the fights blind-side you, often aren't about whatever issue is UNDERLYING, but mostly about whatever made the person "finally snap."

[RaidDolEm78]

Thank you for this , means alot to me. And I ate something though throughout I felt like I was going to be sick and throw up. Is it weird even the food reminds me of him? And I hope you are doing ok as well , you can talk to me as well. I might not be much help in this state but you inspired me with the way you are holding on.

 

And I am too grateful to everyone who is trying to help me! I dont even think my so called friends would have heard this much of ramblings.

 

 

For what its worth, try very hard to eat something, anything. You're not going to have an actual appetite for awhile. I didn't really eat anything of substance for a LONG time, I'm talking weeks...combined with forcing myself to walk up to five miles a day sometimes twice a day. I dropped weight quickly. I lost almost 40 pounds in just under three months. I needed to lose a few pounds, but not that much.

 

I was beating myself up and punishing myself subconsciously. I just didn't realize this at the time.

[bubblesbursted]

That's totally bullcrap that he dumped you via text.

 

 

Because the truth is we CHANGE and so do those former loves we had.

I have changed so much since I was with my last ex and the ones before him. I have no doubt that they have changed as well (for better or for worse who can say).

 

How can someone change in a matter of few hours this fast? From love to nothing. Nothing at all. It wasnt just a fling it was a real deal. Something that felt real, to me atleast

 

 

Until then, stay NC. See that's another thing.....conflict-avoidance doesn't mean that there's no fighting. It just means that they aren't constructive or pro-active about dealing with issues. So the fights blind-side you, often aren't about whatever issue is UNDERLYING, but mostly about whatever made the person "finally snap."

 

I am still not in NC , I cant seem to stop. I look at something it reminds me of him and then I get this weird feeling near my heart and i feel I am going to throw up and then my hand suddenly goes towards my phone. Is it even normal?

[bubblesbursted]

I know Nc is the right way but still I am not. I know i should but then i feel maybe he will realise it was just in his head or something.

[OhThatGirl]

That's totally bullcrap that he dumped you via text.

 

You should see the thread by ABwoman who dumped a guy via text after 2.5 months. Wow. They sure tore her up!

 

And yes, you are not going to sleep well for a bit and you will drop a few pounds for sure.

 

Expect the healing to take about six months. It's called a "deep limbic injury" and it's probably your first real one. No one tells you just how awful they are. In the movies and films it looks like someone cries like the "first world problems" meme and than two days later they are dating someone else without a care in the world. Nope. It doesn't work that way. Except for narcissists and sociopaths.

 

It's not going to be completely bleak the WHOLE six months. It may not even BE SIX MONTHS.

 

When I see people on here saying "3 years/ 7 years/ been married 30 years and still want my childhood sweetheart." I honestly think that there's an underlying issue fuelling that. It ciuld be something like depression or an inability to validate oneself. Often they've idealized their former partners (sometimes even as a way to not get too close and get hurt by their very real and current partners.) Something about long-term unrequited love smacks of a destructive pathology to me.

 

Because the truth is we CHANGE and so do those former loves we had.

I have changed so much since I was with my last ex and the ones before him. I have no doubt that they have changed as well (for better or for worse who can say).

 

The things that my 18-year old heart wanted, my 30-year old heart is actually repulsed by!

 

What we need to find (if we are so minded) is a good "long-haul" partner. Someone we can grow and change WITH. This means someone who is not rigid and conflict-avoidant. We need soneone who is both compassionate but with strong personal boundaries.

 

But most importantly, we need to be that person first.

 

You don't want to be with a conflict-avoidant text-dumper, right?

 

Regardless of "who he is" how he has treated you while you are STILL DATING is just the pits.

 

He may have been a great boyfriend AT THE TIME. But unfortunately because of his conflict; avoidance he didn't give you the opportunity to see the whole picture. What he was really all about.

 

In a sense, be glad you discovered he was avoidant before marriage/kids/abandonment and/or his having a girlfriend on the side.

 

And I know it is hard to believe. But the pain from having someone cheat is worse. It's the "gift that keeps on giving."

 

I am not saying that from a "just wait until you have kids.....blah blah blah" kind of perspective.

I remember my engagement falling apart and a woman telling me. "Oh I get it. I had it so much worse going through a divorce and all. You'll get over this breakup."

 

I get what she was saying. But at the stage of my breakup, I was also losing the chance and dream to be married/family/kids. I kinda felt like "Lady, I don't even get the CHANCE to divorce."

 

But don't worry, you will!

 

There's another guy out there for you right now and somewhere in the future you'll think, "oh my God does he ever piss me off! Maybe I should get a consult with a lawyer!"

 

Don't worry. This is far from the end of your romantic worries! You'll get to marital fighting someday!

 

Until then, stay NC. See that's another thing.....conflict-avoidance doesn't mean that there's no fighting. It just means that they aren't constructive or pro-active about dealing with issues. So the fights blind-side you, often aren't about whatever issue is UNDERLYING, but mostly about whatever made the person "finally snap."

 

This. A thousand times over.

[bubblesbursted]

Is it bad I actually started thinking of a future with an unknown guy and saying those lines?

 

"oh my God does he ever piss me off! Maybe I should get a consult with a lawyer!"

 

If I go NC can i talk here whatever I want to say to him , can I just write here?

[Discover]

Man...bubblesbursted....write to me...i have no idea if in this site you can write on a personal message..but even if you can't write..god damn it..write..

[bubblesbursted]

Man...bubblesbursted....write to me...i have no idea if in this site you can write on a personal message..but even if you can't write..god damn it..write..

 

I have been trying to find the feature of personal messages but I cant. Tell me whats wrong? I am here to listen as well.

[RaidDolEm78]

I have been trying to find the feature of personal messages but I cant. Tell yme whats wrong? I am here to listen as well.

 

You have to reach a certain number of posts before you can send a PM....I believe its fifty. I was just a little over fifty today when I realized I now had that feature.

[bubblesbursted]

So starting now officially I am on NC. I wont contact him. I shall try my 100%. But my hand keeps going towards my phone , I know eventually I will be okay.

[bubblesbursted]

Can anyone tell me how to initiate NC?

[OhThatGirl]

Can anyone tell me how to initiate NC?

 

It's not really a thing you do. It's just a thing you don't do. It's harder, like breaking a habit. Incredibly hard. But definitely possible.

 

When you reach for your phone, set the timer. Think of what you'll do for your 22 minutes other than making communication and do it. Laundry. Shower. Play a game. The person that thought of this 22 minute thing is amazing (sorry can't see the post as I write this).. It's enough time you can get something done but not so much you feel it's too long to get through it. If after that 22 minutes is up you still want to break NC, set it again and do something again.

 

This is some of the best advice ever. When people say "one day at a time" they may not realize an entire day is a struggle. Small blocks of time are easier to manage. It's really great advice.

 

But hardcore no contact. I don't know if you have Facebook or social media but if you do, block him. I find my fear of seeing things I don't want to see (women flirting, pictures of him happy without me) is enough motivation to block it. Sometimes fear is helpful. Even blocking him is so hurtful. It's a blow, but afterwards you feel empowered that you did it. Maybe I'm a control freak but I love having control over things when I have zero control over how a man feels or if he wants to come back to me.

 

You got this.

[OhThatGirl]

Come on Loveshack.

 

Set a timer for 22 minutes and focus on anything else.

 

This is fact is the only certified time to get addicted to Candy Crush Saga.

If the timer goes off and you still feel the urge. Set it one more time.

 

You take back your self-control.

 

You are not your urge's bitch.

 

This. Listen to this woman. She has the answers. Lol

[Discover]

Just do it...leave your phone next to you...but accept in your mind he won't call..that's it..just be strong...i mean...**** ..i will see her tomorrow at school..she will probably sit next to me..i have no idea what to do...but will tell you after this happens ...about NC..in my experience..as she was on my speed dial for 2 years i changed her number with that of my best friend so i can know that i am wrong to do so..you change yours to someone you can call or just an empty blank if you have one..i logged out of FB...i listen to a lot of music and think about how i will find a girl who will be willing to go on a forum like this if i even mentioned something about me feeling weird cause she cares...damn i want someone to care for me..xax..

 

Anyway..be strong..that's it...just..accept the fact that he is gone..

[BC1980]

Can anyone tell me how to initiate NC?

 

You have to keep making the choice to do it everyday. It's really hard at first, and anticipate that he will make contact with you at some point. There is a book that really helped me called "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. It basically tells you why you need NC, how to initiate NC, and walks you through the grief process of losing a relationship. It also goes over common reasons why people break NC and why you shouldn't break it for those reasons. It was the best 7.99 I spent on Amazon.

[LostConfused123]

Doing absolutely nothing ( NC) , besides being incredibly painful also feels very uncomfortable. . . . almost unnatural (it did for me anyway) it felt strange doing absolutely nothing to fight for the relationship I really wanted.

 

I was always raised with mentality if you want something, you work for it. It's that simple. That and being a natural go getter anyway made me nuts at times. I think it's human nature to work and fight for what you want

 

I don't mean to scare you just a little warning that besides the pain, it's also going to feel really "weird"

 

Best of luck!! ((hugs!))

Edited January 26, 2014 by LostConfused123

[pickflicker]

I read somewhere it takes half the age of relationship to get over the person. Is it true? And same was the case with me. I have been hysterically crying and starving myself for 30 hrs now.

 

No, that's ridiculous. If you go NC, you can get over him MUCH faster.

 

And stop starving yourself, go and make some toast right now.

[BC1980]

Doing absolutely nothing ( NC) , besides being incredibly painful also feels very uncomfortable. . . . almost unnatural (it did for me anyway) it felt strange doing absolutely nothing to fight for the relationship I really wanted.

 

I was always raised with mentality if you want something, you work for it. It's that simple. That and being a natural go getter anyway made me nuts at times. I think it's human nature to work and fight for what you want

 

I don't mean to scare you just a little warning that besides the pain, it's also going to feel really "weird"

 

Best of luck!! ((hugs!))

 

I think it feels weird because it's going against the natural instinct to DO something. You feel like you should be actively fighting for the relationship. The best thing to do is to be active about getting yourself back and creating your new life. You can go NC and essentially make no progress if you sit around and dwell on your ex all day. It's what you make of NC that determines how fast you recover.

[LostConfused123]

I think it feels weird because it's going against the natural instinct to DO something. You feel like you should be actively fighting for the relationship. The best thing to do is to be active about getting yourself back and creating your new life. You can go NC and essentially make no progress if you sit around and dwell on your ex all day. It's what you make of NC that determines how fast you recover.

Exactly!

This is actually the first weekend I have just wanted to stay home all weekend.

Way different than in the beginning. . . I had to stay super busy or I was afraid I would break NC. Now it doesn't even phase me. I'm not at all worried I'll break it.

 

-I mean, I'm still sad sometimes but it's not the panicky feeling you have when just starting NC.

 

you can do it Bubble!!

[dreamingoftigers]

You have to reach a certain number of posts before you can send a PM....I believe its fifty. I was just a little over fifty today when I realized I now had that feature.

 

50 and one month of being on here.

 

I know it's tough when you are new.

As long as everything is anonymous you are free to write about your relationship (review TOS).

[dreamingoftigers]

It's not really a thing you do. It's just a thing you don't do. It's harder, like breaking a habit. Incredibly hard. But definitely possible.

 

When you reach for your phone, set the timer. Think of what you'll do for your 22 minutes other than making communication and do it. Laundry. Shower. Play a game. The person that thought of this 22 minute thing is amazing (sorry can't see the post as I write this).. It's enough time you can get something done but not so much you feel it's too long to get through it. If after that 22 minutes is up you still want to break NC, set it again and do something again.

 

This is some of the best advice ever. When people say "one day at a time" they may not realize an entire day is a struggle. Small blocks of time are easier to manage. It's really great advice.

 

But hardcore no contact. I don't know if you have Facebook or social media but if you do, block him. I find my fear of seeing things I don't want to see (women flirting, pictures of him happy without me) is enough motivation to block it. Sometimes fear is helpful. Even blocking him is so hurtful. It's a blow, but afterwards you feel empowered that you did it. Maybe I'm a control freak but I love having control over things when I have zero control over how a man feels or if he wants to come back to me.

 

You got this.

 

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was younger (yeah, yeah I know). I had some therapy but it seems that the leftovers are ADD. The 22- minute thing was crucial to me during my separation.

 

I think 20 mins was what was recommended to cool off when triggered in conflict. I figured it would work for other urges (even dieting) and it does. I gave myself an extra 10% because I am effing stubborn. Plus it's a little harder to focus on the time that way. Otherwise you just keep checking the clock with the round number. (God, I am nuts.....but it works! Has worked for many others.)

[dreamingoftigers]

So starting now officially I am on NC. I wont contact him. I shall try my 100%. But my hand keeps going towards my phone , I know eventually I will be okay.

 

The urge to contact him is your brain's way of trying to avoid the grief.

 

You want that missing piece of your life to fit back in place to stabilize your brain's attachment to him.

 

But what happens everytime you contact him is one of two things:

 

1. Faint false hope which slaps you down with grief and you are back to square one.

 

2. A harsh ignore or rejection which just leads you to try to contact him over and over and over to try to avoid that grief again. But it doesn't work. Then he does make contact all pissed off or guilty and then you are back to square one and you feel ashamed/embarrassed.

 

Do what you can to avoid breaking NC.

 

no one here did a perfect NC the first time.

 

Give yourself some compassion but be vigilant that although your brain wants to seek comfort in him.......he is not entirely who you thought he was. He is not comfort at this time. He most certainly is not validation.

 

With conflict-avoidant people you could have been the BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER and he still would have dealt with his issues and resents poorly. He can't validate you. And it is because, well, he's screwy.

 

Even he doesn't know that though. He'll prob hsve a few unhappy relationships before he figures it out. If he ever does.

[LadyM]

The thing about NC is that it is actually LESS painful than continued communication with your ex. This is because your ex is NEVER going to say what you really want to hear and everything else he says is pure agony.

 

I didn't go NC at the beginning and each time he would contact me, it was just a reminder how I was no longer a priority in his life. That is the REAL pain.

 

You'll have pain no matter what you do, but I can assure you, the pain is MUCH more intense when he isn't saying the things you long to hear.

 

You are strong. You can do this. You are going to be fine. Be kind to yourself. Keep eating and drinking. You will rise above this and find someone who will do anything for you because he truly loves you because you really sound like a great gal. But most of all, don't say another word to this loser of a man who didn't even have the decency to end a long-term relationship with dignity.

 

Remember, not even ONE more single word to him. You CAN do this!!!

[fixing]

You must walk away with your head held high. Stop looking for answers. You did nothing wrong.

He fell out of love with you which i know can be very crippling for you.

 

Immediately cut off all contact and start to think like he is dead.

 

It will be tough on you for the next few months, but with no contact you will get through this i promise.

[LostConfused123]

I know absolutely nothing about my exes life and haven't for three months. He knows nothing of mine either. I mean, I guess if he looked on my fb page he would know (highly unlikely)

 

I'm convinced NC has helped me heal faster. I still hurt sometimes but nothing compared to how I'm sure I would feel if I knew he had a new girlfriend or something. (I'm sure he does)

 

Whatever, I just want to be over him once and for all.

Stay strong!! The first few weeks are tough, after that you'll have good days too