Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 My mom, for a change contacted me sometime back. She felt something was off with me. She asked me and I told her what happened. Well, She didnt say anything. Nothing. After a few minutes, She goes and says something like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know he is or was or whatever and then I told her that he changed and all and she said ,"thats no reason to give up " & she is asking me to go talk to him and try and figure out what went wrong. I know people say, instead if breaking we should work on it but how can I face him after he did this? Can anyone tell me what to do because I am just feeling worse now. Didnt help talking to her.
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I dont want to think about him. I woke up having a dream of hil and now am having urges to contact him. I know I shouldnt. I am trying my best, believe me. I was okay and then something like this happens and then i feel I am back to square one. Oh, I didn't mean to DWELL ON HIM. Not at all. Just don't try to push down the feelings or beat yourself up over having them. Acknowledge them. Understand that they'll be with you for awhile and plan nice things for yourself anyhow. Compliment yourself and acknowledge when you ate strong enough to stick to NC. You've dobe beautifully. There's always hiccups (like his Mom). It happens. You can only do your very best! 1
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Oh, I didn't mean to DWELL ON HIM. Not at all. Just don't try to push down the feelings or beat yourself up over having them. Acknowledge them. Understand that they'll be with you for awhile and plan nice things for yourself anyhow. Compliment yourself and acknowledge when you ate strong enough to stick to NC. You've dobe beautifully. There's always hiccups (like his Mom). It happens. You can only do your very best! I do feel guilty having those feelings. :/ But I guess you are right , they will go with time. But when they do come its like a stroke. One time I am all strong and in control and next I am such a mess. can u please tell ne what to do about my mom? 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My mom, for a change contacted me sometime back. She felt something was off with me. She asked me and I told her what happened. Well, She didnt say anything. Nothing. After a few minutes, She goes and says something like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know he is or was or whatever and then I told her that he changed and all and she said ,"thats no reason to give up " & she is asking me to go talk to him and try and figure out what went wrong. I know people say, instead if breaking we should work on it but how can I face him after he did this? Can anyone tell me what to do because I am just feeling worse now. Didnt help talking to her. Is your Mom a primary person in your home or does she live elsewhere? Did you talk to her about NC and the supports you have? One last bit. Not to slam your Mom in any way. I just find it odd whenever a parent kind of praises an ex of their child's. It's almost like a betrayal. I once worked with this girl who lost her father to a heart attack when she was 14-ish. She had some real issues with male attention. Like stalking to the point of getting banned from the mall. But I'm really getting off-topic here. Anyhow, this really nice, fairly attractive young guy asked her out and they dated a bit. Then when her super-clingy side came out, he dropped her pretty quick. He actually did it 100% proper. Gave a really clear reason they were incompatible etc. He had pretty decent boundaries (esp. For a guy that age). Anyhow, that girl was completely GUTTED. I mean so completely devastated. I mean all she was craving for years was unsolicited attention from a nice, respectful guy (the kind she drives away) and she had it for a bit then it was yanked from her. Anyhow, her mother used to come by and blah blah blah all about how great her ex was. And how he was just so good-looking...... ugh. It was actually pretty disturbing. She Was acting like one of those Maury/Jerry Springer moms who would chase after the daughter's bf. Of course every time the guy's name was brought up, the girl was just gutted all over again. I've seen parents handle it well and poor. I was dumped at 15 by my first boyfriend. Completely gutted. My Dad wouldn't shut-up about the guy. Not because he thought he was a great guy or whatever. (He was totally scared of my Dad, it was funny.) He was upset because the guy was Ukranian -- and he figured that he would know how to get him really great home made Ukranian sausage! (He didnt!) Anyhow both situations did work out in the end. The girl in the first situation ended up dating this really annoying guy. Then she actually tried to dump him. And he clung and clung and pestered and pestered her. So she really learned first-hand what that behaviour does. LMAO I might add. In my case, my father did not end up with Ukranian sausage. But he did end up with my husband as a son-in-law and they share so many laughs together Can't stand each other. But they did end up attending a social services ordered Alcohol Relapse Prevention Class together. In a city of a million people they get put in exactly the same group and timeslot. Good times. And of course there was that other time when my Dad wouldn't leave the property and my husband wouldn't let him in the door. So they called the police on each other. More good times. But I guess everything worked out in the end! Well, no, not really. But it is funny sometimes! 1
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Is your Mom a primary person in your home or does she live elsewhere? Did you talk to her about NC and the supports you have? One last bit. Not to slam your Mom in any way. I just find it odd whenever a parent kind of praises an ex of their child's. It's almost like a betrayal. I once worked with this girl who lost her father to a heart attack when she was 14-ish. She had some real issues with male attention. Like stalking to the point of getting banned from the mall. But I'm really getting off-topic here. Anyhow, this really nice, fairly attractive young guy asked her out and they dated a bit. Then when her super-clingy side came out, he dropped her pretty quick. He actually did it 100% proper. Gave a really clear reason they were incompatible etc. He had pretty decent boundaries (esp. For a guy that age). Anyhow, that girl was completely GUTTED. I mean so completely devastated. I mean all she was craving for years was unsolicited attention from a nice, respectful guy (the kind she drives away) and she had it for a bit then it was yanked from her. Anyhow, her mother used to come by and blah blah blah all about how great her ex was. And how he was just so good-looking...... ugh. It was actually pretty disturbing. She Was acting like one of those Maury/Jerry Springer moms who would chase after the daughter's bf. Of course every time the guy's name was brought up, the girl was just gutted all over again. I've seen parents handle it well and poor. I was dumped at 15 by my first boyfriend. Completely gutted. My Dad wouldn't shut-up about the guy. Not because he thought he was a great guy or whatever. (He was totally scared of my Dad, it was funny.) He was upset because the guy was Ukranian -- and he figured that he would know how to get him really great home made Ukranian sausage! (He didnt!) Anyhow both situations did work out in the end. The girl in the first situation ended up dating this really annoying guy. Then she actually tried to dump him. And he clung and clung and pestered and pestered her. So she really learned first-hand what that behaviour does. LMAO I might add. In my case, my father did not end up with Ukranian sausage. But he did end up with my husband as a son-in-law and they share so many laughs together Can't stand each other. But they did end up attending a social services ordered Alcohol Relapse Prevention Class together. In a city of a million people they get put in exactly the same group and timeslot. Good times. And of course there was that other time when my Dad wouldn't leave the property and my husband wouldn't let him in the door. So they called the police on each other. More good times. But I guess everything worked out in the end! Well, no, not really. But it is funny sometimes! Atually thats what I felt , i wanted her to say she understood or anything to make me feel better; anything. And I did tell her that i wasnt contacting him she knows about that. What do i do? & i find it hilarious! Your case atleast. 1
Zahara Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My mom, for a change contacted me sometime back. She felt something was off with me. She asked me and I told her what happened. Well, She didnt say anything. Nothing. After a few minutes, She goes and says something like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know he is or was or whatever and then I told her that he changed and all and she said ,"thats no reason to give up " & she is asking me to go talk to him and try and figure out what went wrong. I know people say, instead if breaking we should work on it but how can I face him after he did this? Can anyone tell me what to do because I am just feeling worse now. Didnt help talking to her. Fact: You didn't give up, he ended the relationship and saw no need to try and work it out. Fact: He doesn't love you anymore. Fact: He has asked to be friends. Fact: He said towards the end he didn't even feel like talking to you. Fact: He wants to be single and have his freedom. It requires TWO people to actively want to salvage and work on their relationship. Your ex checked out long before the break-up. It isn't a matter of you, again, pleading and begging for him to help save the relationship. He doesn't want a relationship. I'm not sure why any mother, after all the given facts, would provoke her daughter to still engage with a man that has let her go and knows that she is hurting. Work with the facts Bubble. That's all you need to do. 3
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 but I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so broken and alone. Moreoever wehen I asked him if he even likes me or not he said he doesnt like me that way anymore. I just cant figure out why or how , he keeps saying his feelings changed Run the other way; fast as you can and don't look back. 3
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Fact: You didn't give up, he ended the relationship and saw no need to try and work it out. Fact: He doesn't love you anymore. Fact: He has asked to be friends. Fact: He said towards the end he didn't even feel like talking to you. Fact: He wants to be single and have his freedom. Work with the facts Bubble. That's all you need to do. Harsh but the truth , I get each and every thing you are trying to say and I really appreciate you being honest with me Zahara. Each and every fact is true. I think I will take a printout of the facts and paste it somewhere I can look whenever I have those urges Run the other way; fast as you can and don't look back. Trust me when i say I am trying my best , but what do I do when s**t like that, which arent in my hands, keep pulling me back. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 My mom, for a change contacted me sometime back. She felt something was off with me. She asked me and I told her what happened. Well, She didnt say anything. Nothing. After a few minutes, She goes and says something like he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I know he is or was or whatever and then I told her that he changed and all and she said ,"thats no reason to give up " & she is asking me to go talk to him and try and figure out what went wrong. I know people say, instead if breaking we should work on it but how can I face him after he did this? Can anyone tell me what to do because I am just feeling worse now. Didnt help talking to her. bubblebursted, BE VERY CAREFUL taking advice from family members! Your mother doesn't see, feel what you do(did) on a daily basis. They only hear and see the good side of bfs and gfs. My gf was in a relationship for 8+ years with a guy that was BAD for her. Everyone around her was telling her to leave and move on, but her mother, with whom she is the closest, liked the ex-bf and tried to encourage her to work things through. This despite clear signs that things were not happy. My gf looks back and realizes just how effed-up things were and regrets staying in that relation for so long. She's learned...nothing more to do, but look forward. No matter how close a friend or family member may be, they are not you. 2
Zahara Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 [quote=bubblesbursted;5496273 Trust me when i say I am trying my best , but what do I do when s**t like that, which arent in my hands, keep pulling me back. When stuff like that happens and it triggers you, you just have to keep moving on. It's not going to be smooth sailing. You'll go up and down. You'll experience triggers, you'll hear something that you don't want to hear about him, you'll stumble upon an old memory, etc. You feel the pain, acknowledge its a normal emotion and that it will pass in time. Delete everything you have on your phone when it comes to him. Delete the app. Give yourself 6 months to be away from any triggers that you know can affect you. 2
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Trust me when i say I am trying my best , but what do I do when s**t like that, which arent in my hands, keep pulling me back. No no no. You make a clean break. Run fast and let him eat the **** for once. 2
regine_phalange Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 You didn't do anything to cause that. Your boyfriend probably saw something in your chemistry that you couldn't see. It's good that he was honest. If he isnt in love with you anymore, there is nothing you can do. Not your fault. Sometimes the attraction between people doesnt last forever. That's ok. It's common. Nothing to fight for, nothing to worry about, nothing to regret. Time to move on. 1
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 bubblebursted, No matter how close a friend or family member may be, they are not you. Thats what I felt. She was going on and on about him and I was internally yelling at her to stop though it did hurt. I cant believe I let her talk me into it. When stuff like that happens and it triggers you, you just have to keep moving on. It's not going to be smooth sailing. You'll go up and down. You'll experience triggers, you'll hear something that you don't want to hear about him, you'll stumble upon an old memory, etc. You feel the pain, acknowledge its a normal emotion and that it will pass in time. Delete everything you have on your phone when it comes to him. Delete the app. Give yourself 6 months to be away from any triggers that you know can affect you. 6 months? Thats way too much. He is removed from my app now since I freaked out last night. And I have deleted his pictures from my phone.
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 6 months? Thats way too much. He is removed from my app now since I freaked out last night. And I have deleted his pictures from my phone. lol hell yea girl 2
Zahara Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 6 months? Thats way too much. He is removed from my app now since I freaked out last night. And I have deleted his pictures from my phone. Trust me, 6 months is a minimum. It's going to take time for you to get to a point where you feel somewhat unaffected. 6 months is never too much when it comes to your healing. 4
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Trust me, 6 months is a minimum. It's going to take time for you to get to a point where you feel somewhat unaffected. 6 months is never too much when it comes to your healing. She'll be ok 2
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Trust me, 6 months is a minimum. It's going to take time for you to get to a point where you feel somewhat unaffected. 6 months is never too much when it comes to your healing. She'll be ok 6 months, isnt there a fast forward to that?
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 6 months, isnt there a fast forward to that? yup...skydiving 1
skydiveaddict Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I didn't say she wouldn't. oh I know. Poor choice of words on my part. sorry. 1
Zahara Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 6 months, isnt there a fast forward to that? No fast forward button, unfortunately. I wish we all had one. I'm not saying 6 months is an absolute, that you'll feel this amount of pain and intensity for the next 6 months. Give yourself that amount of time to heal and stay away from any sort of triggers. Give yourself that amount of time to focus on yourself -- to reconnect with friends, get your health back together, rebuild your self-esteem, etc. You're not going to feel the intensity you feel now by the time a few months goes along. It will be fading. But it doesn't hurt for you to invest as much time as you can to heal and one of the best things to do is to avoid triggers because triggers will almost always cause you to fall a couple of steps back. You want to avoid that for your own well-being. 2
Zahara Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 oh I know. Poor choice of words on my part. sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like she'll be in pure hell for 6 months - my bad too! 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 Harsh but the truth , I get each and every thing you are trying to say and I really appreciate you being honest with me Zahara. Each and every fact is true. I think I will take a printout of the facts and paste it somewhere I can look whenever I have those urges Trust me when i say I am trying my best , but what do I do when s**t like that, which arent in my hands, keep pulling me back. Fact: I wrote a post at 4:00am on what you should probably do but my phone Ate it and I fell asleep. Sorry 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I didn't mean to make it sound like she'll be in pure hell for 6 months - my bad too! LOL. I read that and thought: whoa.....I hope she's bot near a bridge! The bulk of the triggers die down completely around the six month mark. You get used to the ones that haven't. The pain intensity now should ebb a bit day by day as long as you aren'T getting constantly re-triggered.
Author bubblesbursted Posted January 30, 2014 Author Posted January 30, 2014 Fact: I wrote a post at 4:00am on what you should probably do but my phone Ate it and I fell asleep. Sorry Its okay I was just having a breakdown..
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