Boyfriend says doesnt love me anymore.

[bubblesbursted]

don't know how to begin , but I was in this long term relationship for almost 2 and a half years , 3 years in May. And we have had our fair share of fights and arguments etc and it was ok , atleast we were happy in love. We had gone out yesterday and it was nice , we were laughing , having fun and then we returned and my bf complained he wasnt feeling well so I asked him to sleep. We said our I love you's and bid goodbye. It was all okay. And today in the morning also it was fine but suddenly in the noon he said he didnt feel the same way about me anymore. He stopped getting intrested in what I said suddenly and then admitted he doesnt think he love me anymore. I dont understand what happened all of a sudden? What did I even do wrong? We were happy as far as I can remember. I asked him and he said it was nothing my fault it was him he stopped loving me. But I know there must be something that I did. Maybe I wasn't pretty enough , or smart enough? He doesnt tell. And when I try to press on the reason why I think he isnt feeling the right thing he says I am forcing his love. I know I am not I am just trying to fight for him. For us. I want to be with him. We were even engaged. Today he even said breaking up with me didnt affect him, he didnt feel anything but guilt. Have I lost him?

 

I am in my early twenties and believe it or not this was my first break-up. I have never had real relationships till he came and he did have a habit of having a lot of flings before me as he admitted. I dont know what to do. Please help me. I am in love with him.

 

I am ready to fight for him because I dont believe a relationship this long would just vanish, I asked him to give me 3 days to make him realise he does love me. He agree but I dont know what to do anymore. I feel so broken and alone. Moreoever when I asked him if he even likes me or not he said he doesnt like me that way anymore. I just cant figure out why or how , he keeps saying his feelings changed

[pickflicker]

If he said he doesn't love you, you walk away. You don't "fight". You don't prove yourself to him, you just let him go.

 

What happens after that is up to him, not you.

[guest572]

I'm sorry, that is really upsetting and I know the feeling as I am going through a very similar situation. I am not sure why he has agreed to wait a few days for you to prove that he loves you, when he has already said that he does not. This is so hurtful to hear and very difficult to absorb and accept and may take time.

 

You will blame yourself and wonder what you have done wrong, but I don't think a simple thing you have said or done could make someone suddenly fall out of love with you. He did say it was not your fault. Either you are not getting the whole story, or he truly has no reason. Feel free to chat with me any time.

[OhThatGirl]

^^^^ Agree. You can't do anything to change his mind. It's not like there was a big fight and it was in the heat of the moment. This guy has already checked out. He feels guilt, not love. You deserve more than that.

 

Where to go from here? No contact. Leave him alone. Let him have his thoughts and deal with this breakup alone. It's not going to "give him time to forget about you" as we often worry it will.. if anything his curiosity of what/how you're doing will dig at him.

 

BUT.. *very important* it doesn't matter. He checked out. He may send messages to get rid of his curiosity. Don't respond. He wanted out, let him live with the consequences. The ONLY control over any part of this situation now is whether you contact him or do not contact him. Don't. Block him on social media. Ask mutual friends to not talk about him to you or you to him. Quite literally disappear from his life. It will help you. It will be incredibly difficult, but it will help you.

 

Because this is your first real breakup and you're in your early 20s it's going to feel like the worst thing in the world. It probably would have felt that way to anyone, but because this is your first time around you may not realize that you will gradually get over this, move on, and be even more happy later. You will. I promise. Just remember: no contact, it gets easier.

 

Oh.. I forgot about that 3 days thing. Don't contact him in the meantime. If he contacts you after those 3 days and stands by his decision to end things, a simple "Thank you for being honest with me. I wish you the best." THEN no contact. If he doesn't say "I made the biggest mistake of my life I don't know how I could possibly ever go on without you" consider it done. No breaks, no space, no "let me see how I feel," or anything. If it's not absolutely clear, assume he's done and doesn't have the courage to make a clean break. Do it for him. It's how you end up being the better person. (And avoid being a doormat by staying with someone who doesn't want you but is too weak to say so.)

 

Post here when you're panicking or considering making contact with him. There are many very wise and experienced people here for support.

[bubblesbursted]

I dont really know what went wrong with us. I just dont know what I could have done to avoid it because all I can think about is that we had fun yesterday we were out laughing like we always did then how all of a sudden could he just say it wasnt there , he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me when we were together, how can it just vanish in a matter of a few hours? What did I even do.

 

And to top it , the 3 days thing he agreed on I dont know should I not fight for him in these 3 days? He always tried when we were together so isnt this my chance to fight for the love? Should I just not contact him?

 

And also , he is coming over tomorrow to have a conversation with me on my request because he ended all this on a stupid text!. What do I do about it? All I feel is , I am just clueless about how to deal with this. All I know is I want him back or I need a proper closure. Moreover I have noone to talk to. Noone so I just dont know I had given everything to this relationship now I feel alone and broken.

Edited January 26, 2014 by bubblesbursted

[OhThatGirl]

I dont really know what went wrong with us. I just dont know what I could have done to avoid it because all I can think about is that we had fun yesterday we were out laughing like we always did then how all of a sudden could he just say it wasnt there , he looked me in the eyes and said he loved me when we were together, how can it just vanish in a matter of a few hours? What did I even do.

 

It didn't vanish in the matter of a few hours. He had probably been gradually losing feelings, checking out, and keeping up appearances, and not talking to you about it. It happens.. in relationships that will inevitably fail.

 

And to top it , the 3 days thing he agreed on I dont know should I not fight for him in these 3 days? He always tried when we were together so isnt this my chance to fight for the love? Should I just not contact him?

 

Again, you can't fight for the love. It's not a prize to be had. It's how a person feels or doesn't feel. He said he doesn't feel it. We have to believe him when he says he doesn't love you. He had a lot to gain from saying he loved you and everything to lose by saying he didn't. The only way to make him realize this: let him lose it. If you read around on other posts you'll see this "x number of days to see how I feel" is completely unnecessary. It will always result in the dumper extending the inevitable, making the transition easier for themselves, backing out slowly.

 

And also , he is coming over tomorrow to have a conversation with me on my request because he ended all this on a stupid text!. What do I do about it? All I feel is , I am just clueless about how to deal with this.

 

I'd say this is a bad idea. It's going to be a sh*tshow. Worst case scenario he feels guilty enough to say he wants to work on it a bit more and then in a few days he breaks up with you over text again. Ohhh.. OR the other worst case scenario is he says he wants to end it and you beg, plead, cry, beg some more, try to "fight" for his love, and lose a lot of self esteem and respect in the process.

 

All I know is I want him back or I need a proper closure.

 

He's not going to give you closure. We say these things when we want the other person to say it was a mistake and they want us back. That's the only way we could feel "closure" from another person. You gotta make your own closure. Chances are he will never say what you want him to say. Or he will, but later when he's not put on the spot he will take it back and break up again. Either situation is going to suck bad.

 

Moreover I have noone to talk to. Noone so I just dont know I had given everything to this relationship now I feel alone and broken.

 

You've got US!

 

Not having someone to talk to is awful. But.. this gives me some insight.. It tells me that you haven't been keeping up/maintaining your own life. Friends? Coworkers? Family? Where are they? This breakup gives you the opportunity to see that it is critical to keep a good support system that is exclusively YOURS around at all times. We need people, not person.

 

It's not the best time to go out making friends, but as you will heal this will change. And your next relationship will be better because you won't be relying on a partner to be your only support. You will have better balance.

 

As I mentioned before.. you can't possibly know this but you WILL go on and you WILL be in another relationship that makes you happy in more of a grown up way (ie, isn't your everything, is not your LIFE but rather adds to it.)

[OhThatGirl]

Actually the more I think about it.. I think it's a terrible idea for him to come over and talk to you. Get the opinion of others on here but I'd actually recommend telling him not to come. YOU asked him to come. You asked him to come break up with you in person. Let's face it.. You figured if he saw you, if you cried and begged you could change his mind. I've already laid out the possibilities of what could happen in this situation (he sticks to the breakup OR he says he wants to try and later when the pressure is off says he doesnt).

 

I'd say: He checked out. He broke up with you. Let him live with that reality.

 

Don't ask him to do it in person now. It will only hurt like hell.

 

The only way he should be coming over tomorrow is because it is HIS idea (not that you asked him) and that he desperately wants you back and cant believe what a mistake he made.

 

Telling him you don't think it's best he come over will serve to protect you from the drama if he wants to end things. And if he doesn't want to end things, he will tell you. He will call, show up, text, and apologize.

 

Realistically (though painfully) let's assume you're just saving yourself more trauma.

[bubblesbursted]

So I should ask him not to come over? And I should stop talking to him? Because at this moment of time I have been trying to do the 3 days thing and he has been very vague with me and it hurts like hell.

 

Second, everyone says it will be okay , I will move on but will I? I gave almost 3 years to him and all I can do is blame me. And friends , no I dont have that close friends anymore and I am not close to my family since childhood.

[bubblesbursted]

And I should follow the No Contact thing? Should I stop these 3 days thing I am doing?

[guest572]

Perhaps things will be clearer when you have spoken to him in person. But they may not, don't expect to get all the answers and closure you need. By the sounds of it so far, he probably doesn't have any answers or explanations to offer.

 

It is a risk that you may be hurt more simply by seeing him again or talking to him.

[bubblesbursted]

Will I be okay? I just feel worse every passing second and cant seem to shake off the feeling of emptiness. No matter where I look or what I see it just reminds me of him.

 

I am sorry if I seem like a desperate ex girlfriend but I have noone to go to for help and I really appreciate how you all are suggesting me the things you think I should do.

[pickflicker]

No contact, no conversation - disappear.

[guest572]

Don't apologise at all, this is a completely normal reaction to what you are going through. I was dumped 2 weeks ago, in my 20s, first relationship, first heartbreak, same circumstances.

 

I am improving already. Things really will get better, you wont believe it now. It doesn't matter what anyone says but in time you will be okay. We are here for you.

[bubblesbursted]

Don't apologise at all, this is a completely normal reaction to what you are going through. I was dumped 2 weeks ago, in my 20s, first relationship, first heartbreak, same circumstances.

 

I am improving already. Things really will get better, you wont believe it now. It doesn't matter what anyone says but in time you will be okay. We are here for you.

 

I am sorry to hear about your loss. How are you feeling now? And what did you do to get better? I can really use some pointers. I really admire your strength to deal with it.

[OhThatGirl]

Will you get over him?? Hell yes you will. If you do the work (no contact, look to improve things in your own life rather than focusing what's out of your control, find and maintain good friendships, grow and learn lessons from this experience.)

 

Look at some of the other posts on here. You can always tell the age and relationship history of someone when they say "I will never get past this. I will never feel this way about someone again." Though it may FEEL like that, those of us who have been there (a few times) know it's just an illusion, it always gets better, life goes on, we find love again.

 

Since you're still in contact with him, I'd say send a simple text letting him know you don't think it's a good idea for him to come over, you understand he wants out of the relationship, you wish him well.

 

So what if you don't get "answers" and you don't "understand" or "get closure?"

 

Let me tell you.. You won't get these things if he comes over. Nothing he will say will make you think ending the relationship is a good idea too. There's no magic "oh you're right, yeah I didn't think of it like that.. Definitely go ahead and break my heart, I get it now" moment that will occur. He will tell you why he was unhappy, that he doesn't love you, doesn't have anything specific but just that he's checked out. And while he is saying these things and breaking your heart he's going through the things he's already said in his head about why this is the right thing to do, affirming it to himself one more time.

 

And instead of letting that happen, you take the control back when you tell him not to come over. Keep it VERY simple. Not only is he left with the vision of a strong woman who didn't beg or plead or break down, you beg and plead for no one. Got it? No one. You didn't do anything wrong to beg and plead about. You can't change his mind. At least let him leave with you being strong and with dignity.

 

Because, after all, you will get over this. No sense in making more pain for yourself. It's his turn to live with his decision... Without you.

[dreamingoftigers]

My last ex before my husband did this.

 

Together 2.5 years, engaged. Dumped me six weeks before the wedding. It was absolute Hell and I was heartbroken.

 

It took ages to get completely over because he blind-sided me.

 

He was heavily conflict-avoidant. He later told me that he expected me to "get the hints he repeatedly left." But not having the same life-context as him I didn't understand things like "when we are walking together by the river and I skip rocks, it means I don't want to hold hands this time we walk." (I mean WTF, seriously).

 

That doesn't mean that we didn't fight. But it meant that he wasn't self-honest or honest with me about the issues that bothered him in the relationship. Period.

 

He let his resentment fester and didn't let me know in any meaningful way.

 

He treated me pretty consistently throughout the relationship so I had no idea how bad things were getting for him (I can see in hindsight they were bad).

 

But conflict-avoidance is NOT a trait that you wamt in a mate. They either end up hating you longterm, feeling like YOU are the source of their pain. Bailing on relationships or cheating on you because "you don't understand and appreciate them like Easy Suzy down the road." But they can't divorce you because "then that would really upset you and I would be 'out on the street.'

 

Even if he tells you 101 things that "you did wrong" or were "wrong with the relationship" it's still on HIM. Because he didn't bring it to YOU so you guys could tackle it as a team.

 

I feel sorry that you are going through this. It's going to hurt like Hell.

 

Be very, very kind to yourself.

Don't fight for this. You'll only feel like you degraded yourself for someone that disrespected you.

[bubblesbursted]

I will do that. I just texted him not to come if he doesnt want it. He doesnt have to do things for me. I told him. And all he replies is he doesnt know if he wants to come or not. I guess thats my answer. And I will try my best to go NC on him. But what of I suddenly have a weak moment? What do I do then?

[dreamingoftigers]

I will do that. I just texted him not to come if he doesnt want it. He doesnt have to do things for me. I told him. And all he replies is he doesnt know if he wants to come or not. I guess thats my answer. And I will try my best to go NC on him. But what of I suddenly have a weal moment? What do I do then?

 

Come on Loveshack.

 

Set a timer for 22 minutes and focus on anything else.

 

This is fact is the only certified time to get addicted to Candy Crush Saga.

If the timer goes off and you still feel the urge. Set it one more time.

 

You take back your self-control.

 

You are not your urge's bitch.

[bubblesbursted]

I am going to take your suggestion. Anything to stop thinking about him. Will see how much control I have after 22 minutes.

[OhThatGirl]

I will do that. I just texted him not to come if he doesnt want it. He doesnt have to do things for me. I told him. And all he replies is he doesnt know if he wants to come or not. I guess thats my answer. And I will try my best to go NC on him. But what of I suddenly have a weak moment? What do I do then?

 

Wait. Wait. What?!

 

You told him not to come over if he doesn't want to? He doesn't know of he wants to or not?

 

He will wimp around like this because he thinks it's going to save you pain and save him guilt. Don't give him the option of feeling this is easier! You don't leave it up to him how he wants to handle the breakup with you! He said he doesn't love you and wants out. Now is when you have the ability to take control, have power over how this plays out. Something like "Don't want the relationship? Fine. Bye. Good luck." I mean it's going to be incredibly painful and difficult. But why should he get the ego boost of knowing this? For all he knows you should be just fine without him.

 

It's not a game. It's not keeping up appearances. It is simply you taking control and not giving him more of an ego boost as he ends this.

 

Him feeling guilty or wanting to make it easier should not be interpreted as him still wanting the relationship.

 

When I recommended telling him not to come over, I really meant TELL him. You have to think about YOU and how you are going to heal. Giving him the option to do what HE wants doesn't help you. Time to make tough decisions. Draw the line. From here on out you need to look out for your best interest and how to protect your feelings while being dumped. I assure you it's not giving him a pass to do as he pleases.

[OhThatGirl]

OK and one last thing (I've been spending too much time on LS, it's like reality TV but better)..

 

You don't "TRY to go NC".. You just do it. All the way. No way out. You do it and you commit. 100%.

 

This is the fastest way for you to start feeling better, heal, and move on.

 

Otherwise it doesn't work. It sounds like in your situation especially you need to do it this way. You don't have other support and you will try to go to him for support and this will only hurt you.

 

Go NC, come here, talk to anyone you can. Not him.

[chelsea2011]

OhthatGirl is right 100%. The only text you should send is something this: "After thinking about it I've decided that I don't want or need you to come over after all. There is nothing more that needs to be said. Take care and i wish you the best."

 

Then go strict NC and let yourself heal. You don't need to carry the burden of his guilt. That's his to shoulder.

 

When my daughter had her first heart break I didn't let her call him or answer his bread crumbs when he was looking for an ego boost and she thanks me to this day. That was many years ago and she is now married to a wonderful man and they are about to start a family. She said that while it was tough at the time it was the most empowering advice she ever received regarding relationships.

[bubblesbursted]

I told him not to come. Like all of you including , OhThatGirl suggested. His reply was something like "If it was upto me , I wouldnt have come. I was coming for you ".

 

For me? So now he suddenly cares about what I want? I told him I dont want him to come over this way and he even doesnt have a slight courtsey to atleast call and break it up. He did that on a blpdy text. Right now I am feeling mad and angry towards him. Whats worse is I still love him. But i know NC is the best way. I am scared. I read a lot of posts where people are saying they never really get over their first loves and always compare their first love to the rest. I am scared. I dont whant that. As soon as

turn my head I see something that reminds me of him. I havent eaten a single thung for 27 hrs now and. I still feel i am gonna throw up. It seems so surrealnd

 

And then I kind of get tempted to call him or text h. Its so hard. I dont knownwat to do? I refret pushing everyone away to make this work. I have noone now. Thats all I feel.

[guest572]

I am sorry to hear about your loss. How are you feeling now? And what did you do to get better? I can really use some pointers. I really admire your strength to deal with it.

 

I am feeling ok now. I am still very upset and he is on my mind often. But I am able to put him out of my mind and be happy at times whereas before was constantly stressed and sad.

 

It probably took over a week for it to sink in. I stayed with family during this time. I spoke with the ex for quite some time in the following days. After mixed signals I had to know that there was no hope for getting back together. Said all I had to say and a goodbye.

 

Find people you can trust to talk about it. If there is no-one maybe a counsellor, write about it in a journal or keep talking on here. Let your emotions out and take care of yourself. You don't have to bottle things up or try to speed up the process, it takes time. When you are ready, get out and distract yourself, keep busy doing things you love.

[bubblesbursted]

That is worse. Mixed signals. I am glad you are better now. Noone deserves this. Noone at all.