The Other Women

[peaksandvalleys]

I often say to people having problems and to myself sometimes, when you are stuck in a position and you can't move neither forwards nor backwards, just stay where you are and wait. I suggest you tell him that your patience is coming to an end and he has to make some decisions. Give him some deadline to act, lets say 2 months, and keep this rule. Do not be close to him as usual (pretend you have to work or take care of a sick relative) and let him miss you and realize how it will be if he really loses you. After the 2 months period will have passed, demand some decision for him, but also accompanied by actions. If he still goes back and forth, you will know that he just takes you for granted and he will never really decide to leave her. Then it's your turn to choose what kind of life you want. DO NOT tell the wife yet, this will piss him off and you will lose any control of the situation you now have. Do what I tell you if you want a chance with him. Be diplomatic, don't rush into crazy actions.

 

(Btw it's amazing how the betrayed wife is always the poor victim without any doubt, without even having any clue of the MM or BS 's sides of the story. This man has kids 35 years old, meaning he is with his wife for at least over 36 years. Isn't it logical that there is a chance he will fall out of love with his wife and in love with another woman after 36 years? Do you guys think that a ring can lock people's hearts?)

 

 

Not at all and it shouldn't. What's wrong with saying that I don't love you like I once did and I am planning to leave. In this instance the children are grown and certainly can't be used as an excuse. I do believe anyone who is living without complete knowledge or are in agreement with the things that are happening in a marriage are victims. I was a victim until I decided to change the game.

[Iguanna]

Of course the honorable thing would be to say "I'm leaving, I don't love you anymore", BUT after 40 years of marriage couples have come to know each other very well and they care for each other deeply as human beings. Is it really easy to say to your 40 years wife and mother of your kids "I'm leaving you for someone else", without caring how much hurt she'll be? Most of the times men in this age just have a fling and go back to their wives. Our grandmothers knew this and never made such a drama about their husbands' flings. I'm not saying we should tolerate cheating constantly. This BS knows for sure her husband is having an affair (if it's true they haven't slept together for over a year), but she chooses to swallow it and wait for it to blow off and come back to her. Would it be wise for her to leave the husband she loved for 40 years and father of her kids cause he had an affair after 40 years together? In my opinion, it wouldn't be wise. I know people will start gunning at me now, but this is my opinion. Married men and betrayed women STAY FOR A REASON: they don't want to lose their routine in every aspect, financial, social, every day. It's easier to stay in a permanent and certain mediocre situation than blow everything up for something unsure. There is no perfect marriage anyway.

[peaksandvalleys]

Of course the honorable thing would be to say "I'm leaving, I don't love you anymore", BUT after 40 years of marriage couples have come to know each other very well and they care for each other deeply as human beings. Is it really easy to say to your 40 years wife and mother of your kids "I'm leaving you for someone else", without caring how much hurt she'll be? Most of the times men in this age just have a fling and go back to their wives. Our grandmothers knew this and never made such a drama about their husbands' flings. I'm not saying we should tolerate cheating constantly. This BS knows for sure her husband is having an affair (if it's true they haven't slept together for over a year), but she chooses to swallow it and wait for it to blow off and come back to her. Would it be wise for her to leave the husband she loved for 40 years and father of her kids cause he had an affair after 40 years together? In my opinion, it wouldn't be wise. I know people will start gunning at me now, but this is my opinion. Married men and betrayed women STAY FOR A REASON: they don't want to lose their routine in every aspect, financial, social, every day. It's easier to stay in a permanent and certain mediocre situation than blow everything up for something unsure. There is no perfect marriage anyway.

 

 

You are right we disagree. I believe truth and honor trump the things you name. Love wasn't enough for me to stay with him after decades. I didn't need perfect but I do require honesty and faithfulness. It is I guess a matter of perspective.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am confused about the part where the MM sons knows, agrees to participate in the deception of his own Mother, yet......buys his parents a five week family vacation? Those two things don't go together.

 

Then there is the daughter. MM told her relationship issues (not him rejecting his wife sexually), how would a daughters response "I wouldn't blame you for cheating on my Mother", make sense? Divorce? I can see, betray? Highly unlikely.

 

Adult children rarely take sides, it's a loyalty thing. Children generally are loyal to both, and put up with a lot of crap (dysfunction) from one before they would even consider willingly put themselves at odds by choosing sides.

 

I am a firm believer that certain things are true for how most would respond to any given situation, his story of events just doesn't ring true.

 

I do believe his wife should be made aware, so that she can protect herself. If you want there to be no doubt in your claim, then I think identifying yourself as the OW would remove all/most doubt for her.

[violet1]

Of course the honorable thing would be to say "I'm leaving, I don't love you anymore", BUT after 40 years of marriage couples have come to know each other very well and they care for each other deeply as human beings. Is it really easy to say to your 40 years wife and mother of your kids "I'm leaving you for someone else", without caring how much hurt she'll be? Most of the times men in this age just have a fling and go back to their wives. Our grandmothers knew this and never made such a drama about their husbands' flings. I'm not saying we should tolerate cheating constantly. This BS knows for sure her husband is having an affair (if it's true they haven't slept together for over a year), but she chooses to swallow it and wait for it to blow off and come back to her. Would it be wise for her to leave the husband she loved for 40 years and father of her kids cause he had an affair after 40 years together? In my opinion, it wouldn't be wise. I know people will start gunning at me now, but this is my opinion. Married men and betrayed women STAY FOR A REASON: they don't want to lose their routine in every aspect, financial, social, every day. It's easier to stay in a permanent and certain mediocre situation than blow everything up for something unsure. There is no perfect marriage anyway.

 

Of course there's no perfect marriage, BUT if the M is so bad that the MM feels he needs to reject his wife sexually and be sexually exclusive to his OW, there is no marriage left. Married people are suppose to have sex. My heart breaks for any man or women who continually gets sexually rejected by their spouse. This man sounds so cruel and selfish. I'm willingly to bet that he's staying because he doesn't want to split his assets, pay alimony, etc. If the OP does out the A, under the bus is where she'll go. What a lot of OW's/OM's don't get is that most D Days are game changers.

[georgia girl]

Okay, I get that you REALLY want to do this and you have convinced yourself this is a fool-proof plan. But, if I may challenge that idea a bit?

 

1) You say that you want to see how he responds when the truth is out there. The past is the best indicator of how someone will respond. He's had several near-misses, including the daughter telling the mother that she thought her dad was fooling around and the wife questioning it. Each time, he made a choice. His choice was not to end his marriage, declare his love for you and move on. He chose to lie and preserve his life at home. What, exactly, about this disclosure would precipitate a different response?

 

2) You want to make this call as an "anonymous neighbor" in the attempt to preserve your identity. Let me ask you, if a woman called your house (or sent a gender-neutral letter to you) indicating that your husband was having an affair, would you simply listen? Or would you ask who is calling? Would you demand answers? Like how that woman knew? And do you think, in this day of modern technology that the telephone number listed on her caller ID won't identify you? Additionally, if that same woman called your house, who would be your first suspect in your husband's partner? As another poster here already shared, I can bet you my last dollar if someone called my house, I'd suspect that the person calling was my husband's affair partner.

 

3) And what will you do if he asks you if it was you? Are you going to lie? If so, that's a pretty fundamental thing in a relationship to lie about. How does a relationship continue to survive with so many lies? And eventually, the truth will come out.

 

Again, I weigh in with all of the folks who say the wife deserves to know. That's HER spouse, after all. But, I think if you're going to do it, you tell them both at the same time and you are upfront and honest about it.

 

On another note, I have to say that the part of this thread that is discussing husband/wife sex life and the honesty/practicality of falling out of love with a spouse appears to be a bit inflammatory.

 

I'm with Peaks. If you don't love me anymore, don't abuse my trust, love and friendship. You're welcome to leave. If you choose to cheat, then that's your bad not mine. I understand that marriage can get hard and there's times when all of the romance is gone and something is missing with your spouse. But is it really that hard to end it? To me, it's all about protecting one's image, one's lifestyle and one's assets when you choose to have an affair. It's a pretty self-centered and selfish act.

 

On another note, I love my husband passionately. I can't imagine how crushing it would be for me to have him turn me down, even for a night. I certainly wouldn't be passively sitting by if this was going on for a month, let alone a year. I think, perhaps (and I don't want to hurt you), he may have been stretching the truth about the sexual fidelity issue with you. And if he's not, then my heart absolutely breaks for her.

[georgia girl]

One other thing, if someone called my house anonymously and/or sent me a letter, I'd definitely discuss it with my husband. But if I didn't have a face, name and story to go with the details, I think it would be a heckuva lot easier for him to explain it away to me. Then, I'd just think the caller/letter writer was a nut job. Another near-miss for the cheater in that scenario.

[HermioneG]

I absolutely 100% think the OP should speak to the wife, as her herself, and not under a pretense of being a neighbor.

 

And I think the OP will be surprised to learn that it is quite likely that the man who lies to his wife is also lying to her.

 

I bet the wife will be surprised to learn she isn't involved sexually with her husband. I bet the son would be shocked to know he's already been told. I bet the daughter will be confused that she has offered support.

 

OP- run, don't walk, and speak to the wife. Tel her what's up, and what you know. I highly encourage it.

 

I think you will see a very different picture than what you've been told.

[ComingInHot]

A side thought here. If you're going to "impersonate" the neighbor, you'd better let "the neighbor" know ahead of time because if it gets back to "the neighbor" add that to one more person who will help throw you under the bus.

I'd be PI$$ED if I found out that some OW "used" me without my knowledge and consent to try to bring down the marriage of my neighbors!!

[sunburned]

sadistic rose, you should spend some time thoroughly reading this board and spend some time on the infidelity side as well. your post is one giant cliché. Not that you would be expected to know this. I say that as someone who thought her affair was pretty special and unique too. It seems almost all MM tell their OWs they aren't having sex with their wives and haven't in years. It's also laughable that MM says his wife made a pass at him. Seriously?? It's like my husbanding saying he's babysitting our kids.

If you are so sure of his feelings, nicely issue an ultimatum. Tell him you love him and will be happy to start dating him once he's divorced.

Meantime, please believe the collective wisdom of those who've gone before you. He's most likely lying to you about his sex life at home and statements made by his children. There is no way! I'm guessing you're not a mother?

 

 

He may really love you inside the "affair compartment," but he isn't leaving. Why should he? He's getting "some strange" on the side, getting his daily ego stroke and still enjoying all the comforts of home, including the hot tub.

[Quiet Storm]

People really think that there is no marriage if there is no sex? Unbelievable.

 

Many aging couples stop having sex. It's not unusual. They still consider themselves married.

 

Relationships evolve and change. What was once a passionate young couple may evolve into two old people that take care of each other and enjoy each others company.

 

An older woman with a low sex drive may just assume her husband's drive has faded, as well. This " the wife had to know because they weren't having sex" is just a justification for the affair, and a rationalization designed to make OW feel better about participating. "If they aren't having sex, the marriage was already dead. She has to know hes getting it somewhere. She just doesn't care."

 

MM will keep OW on a string for years, dangling the carrot of "being together", when they actually like being married and rarely even consider divorce. They still see themselves with their wives forever, side by side in the cemetery. Genuine love for OW, amazing sex, an intense connection with OW doesn't even change that in most cases.

[VeronicaRoss]

You actually have no clue what he is telling her or she is telling him. You never will unless you hear the words or talk with her.

 

You're getting all of this from someone who is already weaving a web of lies.

[Mascara]

He has absolutely no reason to stay with his wife if he's madly in love with you and wants to be with you. His kids are adults, and the wife isn't going anywhere.

 

The only reason he's staying is because he's choosing her over you - so why don't you say to him "you're going to have to hurt one of us. Who would you prefer to hurt the least?" There is no middle ground. Make him choose.... if you're so confident of your position.

 

But if you go the route of telling her, he WILL choose her. You will be described as the crazy OW who has been stalking him, and yes he had sex with you once but only because you were crying and begged him, and he had a moment of weakness.

[tired girl]

One of their favorite lies is that the marriage is sexless. You have no proof that it truly is. You have no proof of anything that he has told you. Good luck with your plan. I do think the wife should know.

[Lavenderrows]

One of their favorite lies is that the marriage is sexless. You have no proof that it truly is. You have no proof of anything that he has told you. Good luck with your plan. I do think the wife should know.

 

Heard that one before.

[Quiet Storm]

One of their favorite lies is that the marriage is sexless. You have no proof that it truly is. You have no proof of anything that he has told you. Good luck with your plan. I do think the wife should know.

 

Even if it is sexless, this doesn't mean that he wants to divorce, though. Many MM are perfectly content with staying married & getting their sexual needs met elsewhere.

 

I notice that some OW find comfort in fact that the marriage is sexless, he really does love me, he's never felt like this with anyone before, the connection is undeniable, etc. OW sees these as signs that the MM is going to eventually leave. OW should not assume that.

 

MM can be madly in love with OW, and simutaneously love & want to be married to his wife.

 

Finding love with OW doesn't cause most MM say to himself "I need to divorce & be with OW". Most MM see their marriages as a very permanent, unchangeble entity. They usually only leave marriages with abusive, alcoholic/addiction or mental illness involved. Loving OW may prompt him to have thoughts such as "I met OW at the wrong time in my life" or "She would've been a great match for me", but these thoughts just show he's staying married. OW is thought of in "if only" terms. "It is what it is" and "it just wasn't meant to be" are common responses when asked why he won't divorce. They are resigned to staying married. Loving another woman is just not enough for most MM to break that commitment vow.

 

Many men take commitment very seriously. It's crazy to think of a cheating man being committed to his wife, but he's not thinking "commitment" in terms of sexual exclusivity. He's commited to staying married, being her husband, raising the kids, growing old together, etc. Some MM actually think they are doing their wives a favor by getting their needs met elsewhere, rationalizing it away as not wanting to burden their wives with their "needs".

 

I think many OW feel "He loves me. He won't let me down. We have to be together. It's mean to be" and stay in the affair because they genuinely love MM and want to be loyal & patient. This is very understandable because the feelings are so strong. I get that OW feel that their sacrifices will be all worth it if they just stick it out. I just think this is a mistake because many men don't see romantic love as a requirement in long marriages. As women, most of us think that love should prompt action- and our goal is to be with the man we love. It just doesn't work like that for a lot of men, especially older men in long marriages. They often view romantic love as an "extra" or an indulgence, and the lack of it in their current marriage doesn't prompt them to conclude "I need a divorce". They often just see it as a natural progression/evolution that happens in long marriages. They accept their circumstances & aren't motivated to change.

 

If you are a young OW, especially one that wants to eventually get married & have children, waiting for a MM is just not a wise choice. I know love isn't logical, but these choices can have a huge impact on your life, your goals, your confidence and your self worth. It may be real love, but what is that worth to you? What price are you willing to pay for love? What are you willing to sacrifice & for how long?

 

Causing a d-day is unlikely to be the motivating factor in getting MM to change. Even if it results in a divorce, the MM will then be dealing with the loss of his "anchor" (the marriage) and feeling like a failure. He won't be emotionally prepared for the divorce, because it wasn't part of his life plan. This can change the dynamic between MM & OW in ways that aren't usually anticipated.

[Kalee35]

Just be prepared if you do decide to tell her because once it's out the man will turn on you more often than not to save his own butt. The truth is he really isn't prepared to leave his wife yet. These men lie to the wife and to the other woman. It's a fact. You really deserve so much more than a relationship built on lies and deceit but until you realize that you will continue to experience nothing but heartache in relationships.

[Iguanna]

Where is the OP? She hasn't answered anything yet.

[experiencethedevine]

Where is the OP? She hasn't answered anything yet.

 

 

 

 

Not unusual when the truth cannot be faced by the poster in the cold light of ink.

[crederer]

This whole thing is like page one of the affair handbook.......

[crederer]

I am confused about the part where the MM sons knows, agrees to participate in the deception of his own Mother, yet......buys his parents a five week family vacation? Those two things don't go together.

 

Then there is the daughter. MM told her relationship issues (not him rejecting his wife sexually), how would a daughters response "I wouldn't blame you for cheating on my Mother", make sense? Divorce? I can see, betray? Highly unlikely.

 

Adult children rarely take sides, it's a loyalty thing. Children generally are loyal to both, and put up with a lot of crap (dysfunction) from one before they would even consider willingly put themselves at odds by choosing sides.

 

I am a firm believer that certain things are true for how most would respond to any given situation, his story of events just doesn't ring true.

 

I do believe his wife should be made aware, so that she can protect herself. If you want there to be no doubt in your claim, then I think identifying yourself as the OW would remove all/most doubt for her.

I agree, the kids reactions sound totally whacked and not even remotely believable to anyone that isn't completely snowed by lies.

[waterwoman]

I can only assume that the MM's wife must be an utterly toxic and abusive individual who has been witnessed by their children abusing and neglecting their father for many years. That is the only thing that would explain what they said about his affair. Other than that:

 

1. He's a liar

2. They are as morally bankrupt as himself.

[Robert]

Closed until the thread starter returns, if you would like this thread re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks

 

Appended by William to re-open thread per thread starter request, pending their update.

Edited January 31, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SadieRose]

If everything that he has told me is true...then yes she is as you stated. I do from people we both know that she has kicked him out three times in the last ten years. With the most recent being 2009.

Thank you so much for taking the to send me this reply.

[SadieRose]

Thank you for your reply and as I read all the others I can see that I may be a bigger fool then I had thought. So you think I should just call her and tell her or should I do it face to face?