The Other Women

[SadieRose]

Ok where to start…I have been dating a married man for over a year.

 

His children are adults now and out of the house. We meet at work but after I realized it was getting serious I found a new job because I was afraid we’d get got at work and both lose our jobs. To be honest I had thought I would end it by changing jobs…but it didn’t end.

 

We talk every day and see each other at less three times a week; we go away for a weekend at less once a month…she thinks he is working. Although she has started to question him and has asked several times if he is having an affair. Her sister has told her that she believes he is.

 

She gets upset with him because he hasn’t touched her in over a year…ever since I came along. She thinks that he is having prostate issues…he isn’t. He tells her that he loves her but that he isn’t in love with her and is no longer attracted to her sexually. She has said that she is willing to live without a sex life and still loves him. Most of my friends know him and some of his co-workers know about us.

 

We feel badly about the affair but we are crazy about each other. It was love at first sight. We were drawn to each other from the very start. I’m not looking for a pass here but in the beginning I just assumed he was single…why else would he be flirting with me, after I had developed feelings and was taken with him I then realized he was married.

It was over coffee while we talking about our lives, marriages and children that I had noticed he was referring his relationship with his wife in the present (we, us, ours).

 

We have talked about ending our relationship but never can do it for more than a day. The pain of being with him is far less than the pain of being without him. He struggles with the fact that he has a commitment to her but is in love with and that he will lose a lot financially in a divorce. He has said to me that he doesn’t want the reason his marriage ended to be because of us and that it is important to him that his children still respect him. He has talked about quietly moving into a condo and telling her that it is a “Trial Separation”.

 

We decided that over the three weeks he would be away for Christmas we would do some soul searching. I thought he was going to come back and end it with me. But the night before they left to come home he and his 34year old drank a bottle of scotch and he told his son that he was having an affair. He can only remember a few questions that his son had about us…Where did we meet? How long has it been going on? He said that his son said “your secret is safe”. He has talked with his daughter who is 35 about the state of his marriage and she has said that she wouldn’t blame him if he was having an affair…she doesn’t know…only suspects.

 

We were together the day after he got back and every day for the first week. We have been away already for a weekend and are planning one for next month…But I just found out yesterday that while they were away she made a pass at one night in bed and he had sex with her. Now I feel wounded and so confused. He said that he don’t want to but that it was Christmas and he didn’t want her being upset and crying and making a big deal while they were staying in their sons house…but yet a week later he told his son about me.

 

When I told him how I felt and that I’m afraid he is trying to find a way back to his marriage he has told me that is not the case and that he never wants to have sex with her again. She actually tried to start something with him last week on his birthday and he couldn’t rise to the occasion. So she made a comment about their relationship being that of only Best Friends to which he agreed. The sons has bought himself and his wife and them a five week trip to Ireland in June and he talks about how nice it will be to go home and visit his birthplace but it is making me nuts.

 

I want to call his wife and tell her that I’m a concerned neighbor who has seen her husband having sex on many different occasions over the last year when she is out town and just can’t sit back and be silent any longer. This would be believable because it does really happen. When she is away we do stay at the house and do use the hot tub often. My reasoning is that once she knows he’ll have to deal with it one way or the other. No more secrets, No more lies. He’ll have to come clean. Even if they get past the affair at less she’ll know.

 

Have I completely lost my mind? She needs to know and I don’t think he will be able to just man up and tell her without a push but I don’t want him to be able to blame anyone but us when she finds out.

Edited January 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Speakingofwhich]

If you'd tell her so that she would leave him or he would leave her I wouldn't count on it. If he leaves her it'll be when he's ready to do so.

 

From what you've written it doesn't sound as if she'd leave him if she found out about the two of you. But, idk, of course.

Edited January 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SunshineToday]

How do you even know what he is telling you about his wife & daughters thoughts are true? He is a good liar, you know this. Maybe he is lying to you?

 

If you are thinking he will leave if you blow open the affair, then do it. But be prepared. Read some threads on here about what happens when it all comes out. Oh and how adult children react to the OW.

 

You might be in for a long hard road. Best of luck.

[scatterd]

I think you should tell her. She deserves to be with a man that will be faithful to her. It sounds like she is a good woman, she is willing to be with him even though he has sex issues. Do you think you can trust him, he has let you see what a good liar he is and how loyal he can be. You can believe what he says, but if you are not there how do you know if he is telling you the truth?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

His son paid a ton of money for a trip for them and you just want to ruin it because you're jealous. He will hate you if you do that. Why don't you mention your idea to him and see how he takes it?

[GreySkyMorning]

It's all the same lines. I swear there is a playbook out there for these guys. Let's see, my xmm "hadn't had sex with her for over a year, loved her but wasn't in love with her, wasn't sexually attracted to her, was just roommates basically". Of course, she came on to him one night too and he had to respond. She "didn't care if he was around even".

 

Then dday happens, you go under the bus tires to save his own rear (as mine whined "now I'm gonna end up divorced and lose all my stuff I've worked for), she'll forgive him because she doesn't want a divorce, they'll hysterically bond over the shared trauma and you'll become the enemy for them to join together and fight. Meanwhile, you'll be the one broken-hearted sitting alone wondering what the hell just happened.

 

Btw, he'll say the concerned neighbor is lying and trying to start trouble, and she'll believe him.

 

And forget the kids ever being on your side. They aren't going to forgive him for cheating on mom when they see the hurt he causes her. They'll hate you right from the start.

 

But good luck. Maybe yours is different!

Edited January 26, 2014 by GreySkyMorning

[GreySkyMorning]

How old are you? I'm betting on at least a 20 year age difference. Am I wrong?

[ComingInHot]

How do you "know" all this stuff is "the truth"??

If you haven't confirmed what many here will say is bull from MM, then for all intense purposes it is bull.

[Quiet Storm]

He wants to stay married. Loving you doesn't change that.

 

You think by telling, she will throw him out, he will be forced to choose, etc.

 

Even if she does divorce him, which I seriously doubt she ever will, what do you hope to gain? He will be a sad man, grieving the loss of the life he wanted, and feeling like a failure. Just because they don't have much sex doesn't mean he wants to replace her. I agree that she has a right to know and should be told, but its not going to end the way you hope.

 

If you want to stay with him, accept your role as the other woman. Having hopes, dreams and expectations will only leave you disappointed. If you want to have a legitimate, open relationship that progresses and grows, then this guy is not compatible with you. He doesn't want what you want.

 

You say the pain of being without him is worse than the pain of the affair, but understand that by staying, your actions are showing that this is acceptable to you. Actions speak louder than words. He says his marriage is dead but stays married. You say you want more than an affair, but you keep participating.

 

It will hurt to end it. You will be in emotional pain. But that pain will fade, your heart will heal. You will never have what you want with him. Every day that you stay, you are just prolonging the inevitable. You are wasting precious time and missing out on men that are compatible with you.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[georgia girl]

I am of the belief that the spouse deserves to know. I would want to know. But, I'm coming from a selfish spouse perspective. So, that's not really good advice for you.

 

So, stepping out of my no longer newlywed perspective, I would challenge you on this: are you going to tell to spur her into action? To, in effect, force her to deal with his cheating and ultimately, leave him?

 

If that's the case, I would ask you to consider this: you are trying to control someone else's actions and it's the actions of a third party you don't know. That's a high-risk situation for you. First, in general, we cannot control anyone's actions - only are own. Secondly, the only things you know about her you've garnered from hearsay. That can make you erroneously comfortable about "who" she is and how she will react. You simply don't know. You've never been in a situation with her where you could see a stimulus, measure her response and then gauge it against previous responses. So, short answer: huge gamble trying to predict someone's behavior - particularly someone you don't know.

 

But perhaps the bigger point is why you would be going to an unknown third party to fix something in your relationship. To me, that dramatically points out a huge weakness in your relationship. If HE - your chosen partner - isn't making the choices you would like, it's up to the two of you to negotiate those terms. If he can't, won't or doesn't, then yes, you absolutely need to apply that knowledge to what you already know about your relationship and then you need to decide what YOUR course of action is. You could well choose to stay and hope that with time and more of a shared history, that he will make the commitment to you that you seem to desire. You could set a timetable by which you decide if he's not at the same place you are, you walk away, or you could decide that you've already given him that time and if he's not there, you're gone now.

 

By the way, this is what single people having a relationship do ALL THE TIME. We are constantly negotiating terms of endearment. And when the partner fails us, we're modifying or ending the relationship. There seems to be some sense of helplessness in As which result in the single partner subjugating his/her wishes to the married partner's desire. I guess I can understand it on a logical level, but I don't think I could ever live with it.

 

Good luck with what you decide to do (and I genuinely mean that). I think you're trying to back into a better relationship with your partner by approaching his spouse, but that's a risk you seem prepared to take. FYI: If you read around here a bit, you'll see that this method has a very high failure risk.

[SadieRose]

He is 8 years older than me.

[SadieRose]

I know it is a risk to pretend to be the neighbor and tell. But my thinking is this...I'll give her enough information so she'll know that she was right all along in thinking he was having an affair...Take the weight off the son and hope his mom never finds out that he knew...Test my MM and see if he tells the truth or tries to lie his way out...Because if one of the neighbors call (meaning me) stating things that he knows are fact, his choices are tell the truth and deal with or lie.

 

If he tells the truth and she kicks him out...we'll deal with it and they'll deal with. Either way she'll know and I'm not a dirty little secret anymore.

 

If he lies to her and doesn't come clean...I'll know but he won't know that I know...If that happens then I'll know that he is truly a waste of my time and I'll end it.

Edited January 26, 2014 by SadieRose

[imfine]

Do you really want a man you have to "test"?

[sweet_pea]

And you're also telling her as a neighbor because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions, either, correct?

 

I'm all for telling the BS, but don't think that just because you tell her anonymously, that she won't find out who you are. There is a chance that she won't, but there is a chance she will.

 

Also, I would agree with everyone else-- you don't know whether what this man is telling you re: his kid(s) knowing is true or not, whether anything he says about the sexual relationship is true or not, etc. Especially concerning the sex, you got upset when his wife (!!! the person he's married to and should be having intimate times with) had sex with him… do you really think he'd be truthful about any other times they've had sex? Maybe they don't, but I wouldn't automatically believe everything he says.

[GreySkyMorning]

I know it is a risk to pretend to be the neighbor and tell. But my thinking is this...I'll give her enough information so she'll know that she was right all along in thinking he was having an affair...Take the weight off the son and hope his mom never finds out that he knew...Test my MM and see if he tells the truth or tries to lie his way out...Because if one of the neighbors call (meaning me) stating things that he knows are fact, his choices are tell the truth and deal with or lie.

 

If he tells the truth and she kicks him out...we'll deal with it and they'll deal with. Either way she'll know and I'm not a dirty little secret anymore.

 

If he lies to her and doesn't come clean...I'll know but he won't know that I know...If that happens then I'll know that he is truly a waste of my time and I'll end it.

 

He won't tell her the truth. But, on the off chance he does, what will you do when she doesn't kick him out (because she won't), when she wants him to stay and work on the marriage, and tells him that he is to drop you like a rock. When he does exactly what she says to save himself? Or he wants to carry on with you, only more in secret now so she doesn't find out again?

 

The other thing is, Sadie, you'll never know exactly what he told her or fesses up to. He'll tell you what he has to tell you to either keep you hanging on or keep you quiet. And you'll believe him, just like she will. And both of you will know in your hearts that he's a liar, but you'll try to ignore it to yourself because you both love him.

Edited January 26, 2014 by GreySkyMorning

[GreySkyMorning]

And you're also telling her as a neighbor because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions, either, correct?

 

Exactly. You want him to man up and face the consequences, you want her to know the truth and deal with it, but you want to hide behind a lie. Grow up. Put your big girl panties on and be honest if you feel you're doing the right thing.

[Speakingofwhich]

If you're going to tell her he's having an A you'd be best off not to misrepresent yourself as a neighbor. Even if you are a neighbor, since you're also OW it seems dishonest to me. At the very best it seems manipulative. And if he ever finds out you did it and did it that way I would think you'd really be embarrassed and he would lose respect for you.

[GreySkyMorning]

If you're going to tell her he's having an A you'd be best off not to misrepresent yourself as a neighbor. Even if you are a neighbor, since you're also OW it seems dishonest to me. At the very best it seems manipulative. And if he ever finds out you did it and did it that way I would think you'd really be embarrassed and he would lose respect for you.

 

She wants to test to see if he's going to lie about it, by telling a lie herself. Sounds like a lovely relationship in the making.

[awkward]

Do you have any evidence, other than his word, that any of the information he provided to you is fact?

 

He isn't having sex with his wife. He lied. His wife made a pass at him and he didn't want to see her sad so he sucked it up and had sex with her? Seriously?

 

Him telling his adult son that he is a cheater? I have serious doubt here. His adult daughter tells him that she wouldn't blame him if he cheated. So I guess while they were discussing his bad marriage he left out the part where he is the one turning mom down for sex because of fake prostate problems. This is doubtful. Adult children would be more likely to say I wouldn't blame you if you divorced mom, but to say I wouldn't blame you if you chose to cope by cheating? Doubtful.

 

Yes tell his wife. But don't make up some story about you being a neighbor. He will lie and deny. Tell her you are the OW and give her evidence. Then see where the chips fall.

[peaksandvalleys]

Ok where to start…I have been dating a married man for over a year.

 

His children are adults now and out of the house. We meet at work but after I realized it was getting serious I found a new job because I was afraid we’d get got at work and both lose our jobs. To be honest I had thought I would end it by changing jobs…but it didn’t end.

 

We talk every day and see each other at less three times a week; we go away for a weekend at less once a month…she thinks he is working. Although she has started to question him and has asked several times if he is having an affair. Her sister has told her that she believes he is.

 

She gets upset with him because he hasn’t touched her in over a year…ever since I came along. She thinks that he is having prostate issues…he isn’t. He tells her that he loves her but that he isn’t in love with her and is no longer attracted to her sexually. She has said that she is willing to live without a sex life and still loves him. Most of my friends know him and some of his co-workers know about us.

 

We feel badly about the affair but we are crazy about each other. It was love at first sight. We were drawn to each other from the very start. I’m not looking for a pass here but in the beginning I just assumed he was single…why else would he be flirting with me, after I had developed feelings and was taken with him I then realized he was married.

It was over coffee while we talking about our lives, marriages and children that I had noticed he was referring his relationship with his wife in the present (we, us, ours).

 

We have talked about ending our relationship but never can do it for more than a day. The pain of being with him is far less than the pain of being without him. He struggles with the fact that he has a commitment to her but is in love with and that he will lose a lot financially in a divorce. He has said to me that he doesn’t want the reason his marriage ended to be because of us and that it is important to him that his children still respect him. He has talked about quietly moving into a condo and telling her that it is a “Trial Separation”.

 

We decided that over the three weeks he would be away for Christmas we would do some soul searching. I thought he was going to come back and end it with me. But the night before they left to come home he and his 34year old drank a bottle of scotch and he told his son that he was having an affair. He can only remember a few questions that his son had about us…Where did we meet? How long has it been going on? He said that his son said “your secret is safe”. He has talked with his daughter who is 35 about the state of his marriage and she has said that she wouldn’t blame him if he was having an affair…she doesn’t know…only suspects.

 

We were together the day after he got back and every day for the first week. We have been away already for a weekend and are planning one for next month…But I just found out yesterday that while they were away she made a pass at one night in bed and he had sex with her. Now I feel wounded and so confused. He said that he don’t want to but that it was Christmas and he didn’t want her being upset and crying and making a big deal while they were staying in their sons house…but yet a week later he told his son about me.

 

When I told him how I felt and that I’m afraid he is trying to find a way back to his marriage he has told me that is not the case and that he never wants to have sex with her again. She actually tried to start something with him last week on his birthday and he couldn’t rise to the occasion. So she made a comment about their relationship being that of only Best Friends to which he agreed. The sons has bought himself and his wife and them a five week trip to Ireland in June and he talks about how nice it will be to go home and visit his birthplace but it is making me nuts.

 

I want to call his wife and tell her that I’m a concerned neighbor who has seen her husband having sex on many different occasions over the last year when she is out town and just can’t sit back and be silent any longer. This would be believable because it does really happen. When she is away we do stay at the house and do use the hot tub often. My reasoning is that once she knows he’ll have to deal with it one way or the other. No more secrets, No more lies. He’ll have to come clean. Even if they get past the affair at less she’ll know.

 

Have I completely lost my mind? She needs to know and I don’t think he will be able to just man up and tell her without a push but I don’t want him to be able to blame anyone but us when she finds out.

 

 

No you haven't completely lost your mind but you have certainly twisted things to fit a view that is comfortable for you. You have been in her home, her tub, with her husband but you don't want to own that but want him to own his choices. You used the term phrase "blame us" but where are you taking the blame by pretending to be a neighbor?

 

You have posted that you are going to do this to in essence save her husband and her son. Yet your motives ring less than noble. I think you should tell her. But I also think you are man up so to speak and tell the truth about your role. 100% own it.

[awkward]

He has said to me that he doesn’t want the reason his marriage ended to be because of us and that it is important to him that his children still respect him.

 

Do his children still respect him? According to him, his son knows and his daughter not only suspects but said outright she wouldn't blame him.

 

Also, if you pretend to be a nosy neighbor you will lose all credibility. When he throws you under the bus, and he will, you will not be believed. You have one chance to tell the truth. If you lie, then you will be known as a liar. You won't be able to come back next month and be like, ok now I am ready to tell you truth because I realize what a jerk he is.

[violet1]

Yes, tell her, but don't pretend to be a neighbor to save your own a$$. I feel bad that he's rejecting her sexually. Do you have any idea how painful it is to be rejected sexually by YOUR own spouse? Instead of feeling empathy, you're jealous he had sex with HIS wife? IMHO, tell him it's over until he gets his divorce rolling or tell her, but be completely honest about who you are.

[GreySkyMorning]

Sophie, I know you think we or I am being harsh with you. Most of us have been right where you are. I wanted to tell her anonymously so bad. I just knew that then the truth would be out and we'd all just have to deal with it. I tortured myself with the idea for months, a year, I don't know. I just knew he'd come clean and everything would be okay. After all, he'd been telling me for almost two years how much he loved me, wanted to be with me, he was going to end it with her and get a divorce, etc.

 

As it went, I didn't have to tell her. Someone else really did anonymously call her. I got a message from him five minutes later cussing me out and telling me to never contact him again, that we were finished. I'll never know what he told her, but I know he glossed it over with her and tried to convince her it wasn't true. She messaged me two weeks later wanting to know the truth and I told her everything. He still blames me for betraying him. He can't see how badly he betrayed me first. She stayed with him. I was lucky enough even that three months after that he was crying to me about how good their marriage had gotten right after dday, that it was better than it had ever been, she suddenly wanted him again, but that then it had went back to the way it was before she knew. They'd had their period of hysterical bonding and lovey dovey free for all, but now he felt like she was ignoring him again and there was no connection between them like there was with me and him. I consoled him and boosted his ego all day long. Then about bedtime, he mentioned that the two of them were going on a little beach vacation the following week and that he felt better since I'd talked to him and been there for him. I am apparently an awesome marriage counselor.

 

I don't want to see you go through the crap I went through. If you love him and you want a real relationship with him, its ok. But do it honestly. Tell him point blank that you will not be the OW anymore and that when/if he chooses you, then come back with signed divorce papers. Thats the only way you will maintain any dignity or self respect. Stop playing the games. Do you really want a man that only comes to you because she finally kicked him out?

[Iguanna]

I often say to people having problems and to myself sometimes, when you are stuck in a position and you can't move neither forwards nor backwards, just stay where you are and wait. I suggest you tell him that your patience is coming to an end and he has to make some decisions. Give him some deadline to act, lets say 2 months, and keep this rule. Do not be close to him as usual (pretend you have to work or take care of a sick relative) and let him miss you and realize how it will be if he really loses you. After the 2 months period will have passed, demand some decision for him, but also accompanied by actions. If he still goes back and forth, you will know that he just takes you for granted and he will never really decide to leave her. Then it's your turn to choose what kind of life you want. DO NOT tell the wife yet, this will piss him off and you will lose any control of the situation you now have. Do what I tell you if you want a chance with him. Be diplomatic, don't rush into crazy actions.

 

(Btw it's amazing how the betrayed wife is always the poor victim without any doubt, without even having any clue of the MM or BS 's sides of the story. This man has kids 35 years old, meaning he is with his wife for at least over 36 years. Isn't it logical that there is a chance he will fall out of love with his wife and in love with another woman after 36 years? Do you guys think that a ring can lock people's hearts?)

[violet1]

I often say to people having problems and to myself sometimes, when you are stuck in a position and you can't move neither forwards nor backwards, just stay where you are and wait. I suggest you tell him that your patience is coming to an end and he has to make some decisions. Give him some deadline to act, lets say 2 months, and keep this rule. Do not be close to him as usual (pretend you have to work or take care of a sick relative) and let him miss you and realize how it will be if he really loses you. After the 2 months period will have passed, demand some decision for him, but also accompanied by actions. If he still goes back and forth, you will know that he just takes you for granted and he will never really decide to leave her. Then it's your turn to choose what kind of life you want. DO NOT tell the wife yet, this will piss him off and you will lose any control of the situation you now have. Do what I tell you if you want a chance with him. Be diplomatic, don't rush into crazy actions.

 

(Btw it's amazing how the betrayed wife is always the poor victim without any doubt, without even having any clue of the MM or BS 's sides of the story. This man has kids 35 years old, meaning he is with his wife for at least over 36 years. Isn't it logical that there is a chance he will fall out of love with his wife and in love with another woman after 36 years? Do you guys think that a ring can lock people's hearts?)

Please tell me your last paragraph is a joke?