AnyaNova Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm torn on this and trying to figure out if there is a way that I can keep it, but psychologically manage it so that I know that it is only a fantasy and that nothing will come of it. So that I don't build up actual hope of what is in my head actually happening. Okay. So this situation is this. Given the arena in which we interact, there is no likely way that this crush is going to be lost (save my dating efforts landing me with someone that captures my heart that way), because a very useful but pesky psychological principle, once accidentally invoked, becomes stronger in a dose effect. And is unfortunately a rather pernicious and unavoidable side effect. There are a couple of things that lead me to believe that in a small way, there my be some attraction on his part. But there are many things that lead me to suspect that even if there is, he won't be acting on it, and even if he could, he probably would choose to stay in his own league which I am not in. Now. The reason for keeping the crush, if there is a way to do so and prevent those from even becoming hopes, much less expectations, would be because it feels brilliant to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night and be thinking of someone other than my ex and his magic disappearing act. But I am scared of the possibility of an irrational and obviously not requited case of one-itis. The specifics of the thing, I don't want to go into lest they give too much about who I actually am to anyone who might actually know me in real life, away, but unfortunately losing the crush is not a terribly likely option because of the way human brains and bodies work. My next step, if it does not prove possible to find a way to keep the crush as firmly established in only a distant fantasy land, I guess my next step would be to research ways to counteract the particular psychological principle in question. Your thoughts?
Erlaad Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I'm torn on this and trying to figure out if there is a way that I can keep it, but psychologically manage it so that I know that it is only a fantasy and that nothing will come of it. So that I don't build up actual hope of what is in my head actually happening. If you find it, please let me know. You would have solved half of my life's problems. So this situation is this. Given the arena in which we interact, there is no likely way that this crush is going to be lost (save my dating efforts landing me with someone that captures my heart that way), because a very useful but pesky psychological principle, once accidentally invoked, becomes stronger in a dose effect. And is unfortunately a rather pernicious and unavoidable side effect. Elaborate on this, please? I'm interested. There are a couple of things that lead me to believe that in a small way, there my be some attraction on his part. But there are many things that lead me to suspect that even if there is, he won't be acting on it, and even if he could, he probably would choose to stay in his own league which I am not in. Mixed signals, I'd say. Now. The reason for keeping the crush, if there is a way to do so and prevent those from even becoming hopes, much less expectations, would be because it feels brilliant to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night and be thinking of someone other than my ex and his magic disappearing act. Have the same situation right now. I'll tell you what I tell to myself: this sound a lot like rebounding in principle. Investing energy in someone in order to get an ex out of one's mind. This doesn't mean I say you should stop, but we must be aware of this. The specifics of the thing, I don't want to go into lest they give too much about who I actually am to anyone who might actually know me in real life, away, but unfortunately losing the crush is not a terribly likely option because of the way human brains and bodies work. My next step, if it does not prove possible to find a way to keep the crush as firmly established in only a distant fantasy land, I guess my next step would be to research ways to counteract the particular psychological principle in question. Your thoughts? I send the research part: we should not be controlled by our fears and emotions. However, I wouldn't throw away the "crush" withput at least a bit of further investigation. What I mean is, after all, whatever happens you will be fine, right? It doesn't have to be something big. Maybe you two actually get along. Just keep it in mind as you research and maybe invest a liiittle bit in it, and if it goes bad, well, his loss. - Erl
Author AnyaNova Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 If you find it, please let me know. You would have solved half of my life's problems. *sigh* Not the answer I had hoped for. However, it was definitely the one I expected. I am wondering if techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy could with this. Like, before spending that few minutes in fantasy land before getting out of bed or before going to sleep you tell yourself that you are going into fantasy land. That reality is different. And expectations or hopes from fantasy land cannot be brought into reality? And then, before ending fantasy land and getting out of bed, repeat the same thing to create a clear delineation? Elaborate on this, please? I'm interested. Okay, I've said enough on here in other posts, that people in my life, if they were on here also, could probably start to figure out who I am. So, since there is at least one other example in my life of where I could experience the psychological principle outside of the one that is in question, I will not elaborate too heavily, say to say that if you Wikepedia the "Bridge Effect" and I would generally avoid the urban dictionary, and definitely avoid anything that has to do with islands or actual bridge construction, you should find the basics of the principle that is in play. And the really pernicious thing is, he's quite the crushworthy guy sans bridge effect, Add the bridge effect and . Mixed signals, I'd say. Yes and no. It is, actually complicated. But there was at least one very strong indicator of something. But again, whatever he is thinking on the subject, I am choosing for my own health and well-being to actively believe that he would definitely choose not to act on it in the real world until and unless he would demonstrate the opposite with very concrete and obvious action in the real world. Which, as I said, for a variety of reasons I won't elaborate on, I'm pretty sure he won't. Have the same situation right now. I'll tell you what I tell to myself: this sound a lot like rebounding in principle. Investing energy in someone in order to get an ex out of one's mind. This doesn't mean I say you should stop, but we must be aware of this. For me, my relationship with my ex was short enough, and the last contact we had with each other was in September, I don't think this quite qualifies as a rebound for me. Maybe just a return to full life and hope level after the end of that relationship. But I don't deny the possibility that it could be. And that is something intelligent to be aware of . I send the research part: we should not be controlled by our fears and emotions. However, I wouldn't throw away the "crush" withput at least a bit of further investigation. What I mean is, after all, whatever happens you will be fine, right? It doesn't have to be something big. Maybe you two actually get along. I suppose it is true that I will be fine. Surviving the most sweetly and most unintentionally administered jedi mind **** of the century (apologies, I know I've used that phrase before, but after I used it the first time, their really is no better way to describe it), I do know that I can survive much more than I ever thought I could (and I have survived a lot!). I just don't want to walk right into unnecessary pain. We definitely do get along, quite well. However, if by investigation, you mean "make a move to find out if he is really interested in something," I really really can't. Hoping I'm not giving away too much here, but in this instance, I have nothing to lose. But I mean, even if everything I would want in fantasyland is exactly what he really wants (which is not terribly likely, I dont' think), he would possibly have something to lose or it could be problematic for him. Because of that, any first move would have to be his. He hasn't made one yet and I don't expect one. And that is okay. And perhaps, in a way, it is karma-esque (don't believe in karma per se). I have a friend who is perfect for me in every way, and I for him. But there is one thing about him that I can't get over in my head enough to be able to consider him a possibility. He is working on it, but perhaps in a much milder way, the same thing applies here. Who knows. I figure, if it is truly meant to be, it will be brought about. If not, it won't. Again, my only concern is walking right into a bunch of pain that perhaps I could have spared myself. The gain though, is having a nice thing going on that continues to keep me moving forward into the future and away from my ex who clearly did that a long time ago. Research is always your friend. As you research and maybe invest a liiittle bit in it, and if it goes bad, well, his loss. - Erl Apologies. I messed up your quote somehow here and don't remember quite what it was or how to get it back. The trick is keep the investment "liiitle"
Haydn Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Maybe you are over thinking this a bit Anya? Is there the possibilty you could see `him` as not out of your league? 1
Author AnyaNova Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Maybe you are over thinking this a bit Anya? Is there the possibilty you could see `him` as not out of your league? Moi? Over think something? Never! Okay. Always and forever. Just on a pure animal level, okay, he has a perfect body. I don't. Now granted, I never had a ghost of a chance of a snowball in heck of being able to, given the kinds of nutritional deficiencies my gluten intolerance (I know now) had been causing for so much of my life, causing much physical activity to be so incredibly painful and impossible (try exercising with a significant dearth of B vitamins, phosphorous, and magnesium and you will get a glimpse of what I mean--actually don't since it would be quite dangerous). But still. Now, to be fair, I've gotten plenty of compliments on the body I do have and it is a pretty decent one (especially for someone my age and that is a factor too because I'm pretty sure that he is indeterminately younger than I am), but it is by no means perfect and has a lot of flaws. I have never liked the idea of leagues. I've always thought that they were limiting and unfair. But human beings are very visual creatures. That much is true and unavoidable. On the one hand, I do have a fairly significant and life long pattern of selling myself short. On the other, I don't want to deny reality either. As much as I'd like to believe that I am in his league. I am pretty sure that I am not. Though I think that I am less far below it than I would have thought at one time. 1
Haydn Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Yes you are,over thinking! (Not that,that is a surprise!) Time to not sell yourself short Anya. Ok he has a perfect body, whatever that may be. You could be his `Sunlit dream` You know....I hope so. Take care this week friend. Haydn Moi? Over think something? Never! Okay. Always and forever. Just on a pure animal level, okay, he has a perfect body. I don't. Now granted, I never had a ghost of a chance of a snowball in heck of being able to, given the kinds of nutritional deficiencies my gluten intolerance (I know now) had been causing for so much of my life, causing much physical activity to be so incredibly painful and impossible (try exercising with a significant dearth of B vitamins, phosphorous, and magnesium and you will get a glimpse of what I mean--actually don't since it would be quite dangerous). But still. Now, to be fair, I've gotten plenty of compliments on the body I do have and it is a pretty decent one (especially for someone my age and that is a factor too because I'm pretty sure that he is indeterminately younger than I am), but it is by no means perfect and has a lot of flaws. I have never liked the idea of leagues. I've always thought that they were limiting and unfair. But human beings are very visual creatures. That much is true and unavoidable. On the one hand, I do have a fairly significant and life long pattern of selling myself short. On the other, I don't want to deny reality either. As much as I'd like to believe that I am in his league. I am pretty sure that I am not. Though I think that I am less far below it than I would have thought at one time. 1
Author AnyaNova Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) Yes you are,over thinking! (Not that,that is a surprise!) Time to not sell yourself short Anya. Ok he has a perfect body, whatever that may be. You could be his `Sunlit dream` You know....I hope so. Take care this week friend. Haydn Sunlight dream? Is that a reference to a song or a movie? Not finding clearly with a google search... And take care, yourself, friend. It has been a long road for both of us. Edited January 26, 2014 by AnyaNova 2
Author AnyaNova Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Yes you are,over thinking! (Not that,that is a surprise!) Time to not sell yourself short Anya. Ok he has a perfect body, whatever that may be. You could be his `Sunlit dream` You know....I hope so. Take care this week friend. Haydn You know, the point of this thread was to see if I could find a way to not (and I fear that unbeknownst to myself I am have already started) hope that I was anything like his "Sunlit dream". You're not helping with that.
Author AnyaNova Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 Maybe you are over thinking this a bit Anya? Is there the possibilty you could see `him` as not out of your league? You know. It is probably kind of stupid, but I am afraid that if I did, I would look stupid and foolish. But I think this is a better thing to consider in terms of men that are generally as attractive as he is. Because I shouldn't be thinking too specifically about "him." Not, you know, that he makes that particularly easy.
Author AnyaNova Posted January 28, 2014 Author Posted January 28, 2014 Update, if anyone's interested. I don't know what to think now. I'm not sure if I'm getting more realistic or selling myself short or if its my B vitamin deprived brain finding some reason to be down. But I'm not sure that this was such a hot idea. I'm not sure of what I was so sure of before. And I'm afraid of getting burned. I probably will be. Of course the other question, considering the bridge effect more deeply, considering how deprived of B vitamins for a long time, is it just possible that there is more to the crush than crush. What if the opposite happens as well. My brain can't look at itself and say, I'm really psyched because I have enough of this stuff, now. What if it has to find a reason, an attractive person in my vicinity to attribute the arousal of actually having enough red blood cells with enough oxygen (I think b12 has something to do with oxygen transport to red blood cellsor something or other) to fuel my brain. What if the crush is bridge effect twice ove (at least during the times that I have enough) due to my brain confabulating reasons for feeling good when it does actually have enough?
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