JourneyLady Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Okay, I've been dating this guy for two weeks and it was HIS suggestion he was going to take his profiles down with no prompting from me. I had a little hesitation, because he seemed to still be not healed from his ex. But we decided to go ahead and date and see where it went from there. Things were good, we had fun. I have no regrets. However Event#1 - after he said he had taken his profile down, I googled his OKC name and it was still up. I mentioned it. He took it down. Event#2 - He seemed to be opening up about life events and things, but I still wanted to be careful (bad experience with ex-bf hiding profiles). I found he had a POF profile that had been checked within a week. I watched it from an account with no picture and not enough info to identify me. Yes that is spying, but bad experience has taught me it is necessary. So after we chatted last evening, I checked again and he had logged in and checked his POF account. I called him, told him, told him I was calling it off and wished him the best of luck. He didn't "want to argue" about it, but said he didn't know how it was "possible" that he'd logged on. I know better than that. Profiles don't check themselves. They say they don't want to argue when they don't have a leg to stand on. It's really too bad because I would have been really good to him. But I don't want to be with someone who keeps their options open while sleeping with me. (And I didn't hurry to do so - it was the fifth date when we did...) Why do guys do this? If you don't WANT the lady or don't want her anymore, just let her go! Don't lie about it! I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't think I'm special enough to be honest with.
Eggplant Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 When he suggested taking down profiles, I'd have told him no. That I wasn't ready to commit. Too soon, too fast, don't know you. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 When he suggested taking down profiles, I'd have told him no. That I wasn't ready to commit. Too soon, too fast, don't know you. If he had been what he seemed, a commitment to exclusive dating was what I was willing to consider. It seemed as if he wanted to make that impression while keeping his eyes open. I guess I just figured that people in their 50's would be more adult and honest. I was wrong. Too bad for him. But yes, next time I will say exactly that. 1
RedRobin Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 But I don't want to be with someone who keeps their options open while sleeping with me. I'm the same way. I've learned though, that people can be surfing for other options even there are no profiles to keep up or down. It's best not to sleep with someone until you get to know them better... and see if they are honest first. If you choose to take a chance, then just accept that as one of the risks. That they won't be upfront about other women they are seeing or trying to. 1
deathandtaxes Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 (edited) I don't think there's anything wrong to suggesting exclusivity early on. If you each think there is something worth pursuing and like each other, why not? It really and truly sounds like that guy wasn't ready to be exclusive. If OP wants to verify that the guy had taken his profile(s) down, that's definitely her business. Edited January 26, 2014 by deathandtaxes 1
Author JourneyLady Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 I don't think there's anything wrong to suggesting exclusivity early on. If you each think there is something worth pursuing and like each other, why not? It really and truly sounds like that guy wasn't ready to be exclusive. If OP wants to verify that the guy had taken his profile(s) down, that's definitely her business. Thanks... It burns me that HE suggested exclusivity early on and said he was taking his profile down. (But didn't mention he had other profiles out there.) There were four red flags 1. Didn't mention being disabled until we were going to meet. 2. Didn't mention he was still healing from previous relationship. 3. Didn't MAKE SURE the profile he said he was taking down was actually gone. 4. LEFT a profile on POF and was checking it while we were chatting online or close to or after that chat... and then there's five... 5. Trying to turn it around on me that I was spying on him. There's nothing wrong with being sure that words are matching actions. Particularly since his behavior was giving me doubt. So I think his offer of exclusivity after four very long dates was just to persuade me to trust him enough to sleep with him. I won't be doing that again! (I can't say I'm sorry I did in that way though... It helped me over a lot of difficulties. But I'm not making a habit of it!) 2
Aquanut Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Kind of smarmy to suggest taking down profiles and not doing it. I didn't do OLD very long but I was never sure when to take them down after I got involved with someone. What I did once was just set my status to seeing someone but leave the profile up. As we got more serious I suggested we disable them. I completely deleted mine but she didn't disable hers the way she had said she would. One day she got an OK Cupid notification on her phone. I created a new empty profile and checked her out. She still had an active profile but the status was still set to seeing someone. I didn't ever mention it but I was more sensitive to signs of possible dishonesty. I did eventually break up with her for lying about something else. Combine the lying with a history of infidelity in her previous relationships and I didn't think I would ever trust her as much as I want to trust my girlfriends. The second time I kept my profile up for awhile and did not mark it as seeing someone. I never had the talk but one day I disabled my profile. She noticed and said something about it. I told her I had decided I wanted to concentrate on getting to know her without the distraction of having to decide how to respond to or ignore new messages. We never made any sort of exclusivity commitment but I made it clear by my actions that I was interested in pursuing something with her and wasn't actively looking for something better. 2
carhill Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 Why game the system? Men game the system because it works. It didn't work with you. It has worked with others and will again. Men are pragmatists, deal with rejection daily and fight to dominate other men in all aspects of 'the game'. There are only winners and losers. Most men do not want to be a 'loser'. Everyone loves a winner. Mostly. TBH, my natural approach to relationships is antithetical to 'the game', in that I'm more a slow and steady 'get to know' type person. It would take being 'a loser' by not playing by the rules, incidentally those set by women in my demographic, to teach that one either plays by the rules or lives alone. I learned and relationships and marriage resulted, after many years, nearly two decades, of 'fighting' the game. Good on you for catching the red flags of his 'game' being antithetical to your style of prosecuting relationships. As people in our 50's, we're generally pretty 'set' in our ways, so this guy has likely been doing what he's doing for a long time. It took four long dates to 'get to know' that. Good luck in your future pursuits. 1
winny Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 You did the right thing by getting rid of him... 2
BikerAccnt Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I've noticed something with OLD apps on the phone. This isn't meant to belittle anything you've done, or what you believe he has done. I've noticed, especially with the ok cupid app, that when you close it, unless you specifically tell the app to EXIT, it will show you as always online. I don't know if the app is programmed like that, or it's a bug. But I know I've seen myself online (yes yes, I too have another profile) when I know I am not. So, it's just possible, that he really didn't log on to check. Match's phone app, also does random checks to see if you have an email or not, I'm sure that in order to do that, it has to log onto your account. I don't know if that shows up or not. 1
Author JourneyLady Posted January 27, 2014 Author Posted January 27, 2014 I've noticed something with OLD apps on the phone. This isn't meant to belittle anything you've done, or what you believe he has done. I've noticed, especially with the ok cupid app, that when you close it, unless you specifically tell the app to EXIT, it will show you as always online. I don't know if the app is programmed like that, or it's a bug. But I know I've seen myself online (yes yes, I too have another profile) when I know I am not. So, it's just possible, that he really didn't log on to check. Match's phone app, also does random checks to see if you have an email or not, I'm sure that in order to do that, it has to log onto your account. I don't know if that shows up or not. That's probably true. But his phone is on him constantly (and beeps a lot) plus it had said for DAYS that he was on "within the week" and only changed that particular night to "online today". I see he's on tonight too - so he is looking to hook up again. I also notice that he has changed his profile to reflect his disability now. Probably after reading my NEW profile that says I expect everything really important to be on the table before meeting. :-p So soulful looking too. sigh... But yeah, guess I dodged a bullet.
Sunlight72 Posted January 27, 2014 Posted January 27, 2014 It burns me that HE suggested exclusivity early on and said he was taking his profile down. (But didn't mention he had other profiles out there.) Yep, it's lame Wouldn't it be great if people were straight with their words? Ugh. There's nothing wrong with being sure that words are matching actions. Particularly since his behavior was giving me doubt. Good Call. So I think his offer of exclusivity after four very long dates was just to persuade me to trust him enough to sleep with him.You know the whole situation better than I can see it from these few words, but I'd still say you could well be right. I won't be doing that again! (I can't say I'm sorry I did in that way though... It helped me over a lot of difficulties. But I'm not making a habit of it!)Of all this - I am most glad to read that you don't regret what you did with him. I used to be fairly hopeless at relationships and dating, and a few of these dating forums really, really helped me (though it took months and years to digest the good information). One of the things I read from several people and that I really find super useful for myself is that you should do what you are comfortable doing now, what you enjoy doing now - based on now. In other words, don't do something you aren't really ready for in the hope of a good, healthy, equal relationship developing later. It's a bad bet. It's a very good check (for me) against my impulse to commit and trust too much. Following this guideline, if it ends at almost any time I will still (I think) feel happy for the time and activities together with that person. Sounds like you did well, considering the circumstances (Good Job JourneyLady!!). Keep it in mind in the future though - sleeping with someone happens only when you are ready, and want it for yourself. However long that takes. You have to live with yourself - stay true to your own heart! Cheers, Sunlight 1
Recommended Posts