Pastypop Posted January 28, 2014 Posted January 28, 2014 Some may choose to reconcile because they have a bunch kids and no grandparents, friends or family to help with them. Sure divorce seems like a great option but what happens when you have to work late and need someone to take the kids to practice? If it's not the other spouse's custody day, they can refuse to do it. A friend of mine divorced her cheating husband in this situation and in order to get even with her, he has refused to do anything except court mandated stuff. He wouldn't even rent a two bedroom apartment. When his kids visit they have to sleep on the floor. He hasn't helped with their college and wouldn't lift a finger to help her if she needed him to watch or pick up the kids. 1
PurpleCardigan Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Strangely enough he said sadly, that he never expected to be happy. Wow! My xMM said the same thing and I expect he'll plod through life accepting his unhappiness and plodding along. Even though I'm struggling horribly with getting over the memories of him, I do want more out of life and a relationship than that! 1
Anne Boleyn Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Wow! My xMM said the same thing and I expect he'll plod through life accepting his unhappiness and plodding along. Even though I'm struggling horribly with getting over the memories of him, I do want more out of life and a relationship than that! My husband said the same thing during our affair. He said his wife would never let him leave, so he was resigned to being unhappy and just getting through life. And his wife, much like the person you quoted MM's wife, was accepting of anything and everything after she reversed her stance and said she wanted to reconcile. He said that he didn't love her, she said she didn't care. He said he didn't want to reconcile, she said it didn't matter. He said he was moving out, she said no, he couldn't leave. She finally said she just wanted him in her bed every night and there in the morning and around for special events and to visit with family. She said she didn't care where he was or what he was doing during the day, as long as he came home at night and put on a good show. She said he'd eventually love her again, or if not, she was OK with that as long as he didn't leave, and he just had to deal with it. She was willing to be 100% accepting of everything as long as he didn't spend the night anywhere but with her, though that changed when he said that he was going to leave anyway. Then she got decidedly less flexible, but made clear that if he wanted to come back on those terms, she'd have him. She suggested I move in at one point, that way she knew he'd have no reason to leave, again, before things really, really soured in the whole situation and she demanded NC. Heck, it's been 5-6 years and if he were to call her and say he was sorry, he wanted to move back in and pretend none of it happened, she'd say "OK" and go right on as if he'd never left, like nothing ever happened, and be completely fine for the rest of her life. I've never understood that level of permissiveness... You see it on here too, and I just ask myself what's the point? I'd never tell my husband it was OK to sleep with somebody else, love her even, just as long as he doesn't leave me. The irony being, though, I guess as OW's we had that level of permissiveness in our relationships too, at least on some level... I mean, we have our time together but then we go our own ways, knowing that he or she is openly with somebody else, and we are OK with it. It's not much different in the end to be a wife who says "I know what you're doing and I'm going to deal with it because I don't want you to leave" and being an OW who says "I know we're together, but that you're really with somebody else, and it's OK as long as you come to me too." Not much different to know cheating is occurring and condoning it to keep from rocking the boat and knowing your relationship isn't the primary one and condoning his intimacies with somebody else so as to keep from rocking your boat. 1
cocorico Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 In Infidelity forums all over the place, they debate (but try not to debate) which is easier/harder: staying M or getting D. Any opinions over here? My opinion is this: 90% of people try to reconcile, no matter what. Are you telling me 90% of people are choosing the more difficult option? Ha! Ha! I am M. There are many reasons to make my M work, and one of them is that it is just plain easier. THAT is why many affairs happen! End of story! Marriages are SO difficult and complicated to end! It's easier to stay and work. It seems like a very obvious, no brainer to me, but . . . What do the OW/OM think? At the beginning of the A, my fMM was clear that he would stay M. He had enjoyed (and thrived) during a previous separation which lasted a year, so to him it would have been easier to leave... ...but for the kids. The kids had been traumatised during the previous separation. The W had fallen apart and refused help and they had been terrified. So when she begged him to allow her back (she had instigated the separation by attacking him physically in front of the kids, and then walking out) he had agreed on condition that she agreed to MC. So it was the difficult choice, but one that he felt obliged to make in line with his responsibilities as a father. Then he had an A. At that point, the kids were older, were open to reconstituting the family, and things looked a lot easier all round. So he left. It was easy for him for several reasons: The kids were older, and on-side with him leaving His extended family were very supportive His colleagues and friends welcomed the move They had separate finances and - besides a house - no shared assets They had led separate social lives and their extended families had never mixed She no longer worked at his place of employment He had had enough exposure to healthy R to recognise just how toxic the m was! by that stage He was getting good support from his IC, and reading widely, and doing the work he needed to do He had options and possibilities beyond those of his life with her He had rediscovered passion and interest and the world was an exciting place to him rather than a scary one. Not all WS are in that position. For many, leaving is a huge risk, requiring change, resources and belief they may not have. For many, staying is by far the easier choice. 1
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