2 months in.

[Elle1975]

straight up being honest with her since that was my biggest regret since breaking up with her. Telling her that I would like to go, but I don't know what my intentions are at this point other than to just catch up, so I don't know if it's a good idea given last night's situation..

 

That.. It seems like you have regrets indeed.

[DontBreakEven]

Now she wants to go for coffee sometime...

 

 

Trying to think of how this turns out either way in her eyes. Tbh I really want to go and I would have said yes...but now it seems I may know her intentions (after last night) and I'm not sure if mine are the same at this point tbh.

 

But it's been like 4-5 months no contact...part of me thinks I should go and give it a shot because I still miss her myself and have really wanted to see her. I feel like I owe it to her and to myself. The other part of me doesn't want to go and give her false hope only to have her put her feelings out there right away and be rejected again because I know after one coffee date I can't just jump straight back into it right now.

 

 

Advice? Pretty torn...like I said had this incident last night not occurred I would have said yes in a heartbeat...but now that this confusing **** happened it seems she might think differently now if I say yes.

 

Debating on straight up being honest with her since that was my biggest regret since breaking up with her. Telling her that I would like to go, but I don't know what my intentions are at this point other than to just catch up, so I don't know if it's a good idea given last night's situation..

 

Disclosure, to be quite honest, you confuse the sh*t out of me. You are so indecisive about your feelings. Doesn't that bother you?

[disclosure]

The ****tiest ****ing day I have had in a long time.

 

 

"I wish I never met you."

 

 

Words hurt more than anything. I have caused her so much pain over the last 5 months, guilt has already destroyed me and now it's just eating away at the remains. I can't ****ing deal with this **** anymore.

[disclosure]

Disclosure, to be quite honest, you confuse the sh*t out of me. You are so indecisive about your feelings. Doesn't that bother you?

 

Ahh posted right before me.

It does. A lot. I have been seeing a counsellor for the last month to try and figure my **** out and I guess slowly it has been helping, or at least keeping my mind side tracked from it all lately, but then something like this just brings everything back.

 

For whatever reason I just can't figure it out.

 

Basically every time I have been on the verge of contacting her, I have talked myself out of it convincing myself that logically she's not right for me and everyone including myself knows it. And then feelings override logic again and it repeats. It's so ****ing frustrating. My emotions are not on the same level as my brain.

 

ahh wtf, can't edit previous posts..

Edited April 28, 2014 by disclosure

[DontBreakEven]

Yes, please see a counselor. It's very odd to be that unsure of any of your thoughts or feelings. You are right to stay away from your ex. You are in no position to give anyone anything right now.

[thysecret]

Seeing this post, makes me wonder how my ex felt. I feel like our situation is the same. I was the dumpee, he was the dumper (same as you).

 

I was a wreck, insecure due to many things. I pushed him away and he simply just decided to end everything with "i dont love you anymore". I was like exactly like your ex, i lost my true self basically due to TRUST ISSUES! I am working hard to change myself for the better (For myself, not for him) during NC.

I sacrificed alot for him but i was really abusive with words when i'm angry And i know it was my fault.

I took things for granted and he keep giving in to me. When i "wake up" to my mistakes, he was already gone..

I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATED THAT HE TOLD ME WAY BEFORE HE LOST FEELINGS ARGHHHH!

 

After the BU, i tried to "Beg" and he was softhearted and want to give me another chance. but i screwed it due to him being Hot and cold to me.. i just couldnt take it that he dont love me anymore. He told me he was trying to move on and BAM I WAS HURT AGAIN!

After reading ur post, i finally understand how he felt, he felt miserable as well. He told me exactly what you're feeling now but i simply could not understand it.

 

He wanted to start over as friends, we both change for the better & slowly build up the attraction again but i SCREWED it by being impatient..

Now im back to NC.. i still want him back sometimes but i know it is very hard right now.

He is not a guy who communicate well & really bad with words. SO i doubt he will ever contact me....

 

arghhhhh what should i do?

What would you want ur exgirlfriend to do right now?

[disclosure]

Seeing this post, makes me wonder how my ex felt. I feel like our situation is the same. I was the dumpee, he was the dumper (same as you).

 

I was a wreck, insecure due to many things. I pushed him away and he simply just decided to end everything with "i dont love you anymore". I was like exactly like your ex, i lost my true self basically due to TRUST ISSUES! I am working hard to change myself for the better (For myself, not for him) during NC.

I sacrificed alot for him but i was really abusive with words when i'm angry And i know it was my fault.

I took things for granted and he keep giving in to me. When i "wake up" to my mistakes, he was already gone..

I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATED THAT HE TOLD ME WAY BEFORE HE LOST FEELINGS ARGHHHH!

 

After the BU, i tried to "Beg" and he was softhearted and want to give me another chance. but i screwed it due to him being Hot and cold to me.. i just couldnt take it that he dont love me anymore. He told me he was trying to move on and BAM I WAS HURT AGAIN!

After reading ur post, i finally understand how he felt, he felt miserable as well. He told me exactly what you're feeling now but i simply could not understand it.

 

He wanted to start over as friends, we both change for the better & slowly build up the attraction again but i SCREWED it by being impatient..

Now im back to NC.. i still want him back sometimes but i know it is very hard right now.

He is not a guy who communicate well & really bad with words. SO i doubt he will ever contact me....

 

arghhhhh what should i do?

What would you want ur exgirlfriend to do right now?

 

I went back and read over your situation.

 

 

You said you are working hard to change yourself for the better, not for him but you. Then you're wondering what he would want you to do. It's no longer about what you think he wants you to do. It's about what you should do. What do I think you (and her) SHOULD do? Try and move on. Don't wait around. I, like your ex, thought that we could possibly be friends in the future. But I've come to the realization that it will never work like that in relationships such as these (where feelings were too strong). Even if it does, it will be years, and by that time neither of us will probably care to rekindle a friendship. But I can tell you that the begging is no longer working in your favour. If he does give in, he is giving in out of guilt, not out of actually wanting to be with you. I've been there. I broke up with my girlfriend once, she took it horribly, and a week after her begging and pleading and crying we got back together. Looking back on it, I can 100% tell you it was due to guilt and not being strong enough. I mistook those feelings for love at the time. A month later, I broke up with her again. Go no contact, give him space, carry on with your life.

 

If he wants you back, he will let you know. It may be 3 months, it may be 9 months, it may be never (which unfortunately, may be the most probable outcome). He may realize it in 2 years, and by then you have a new boyfriend and have completely moved on! That's why you can't wait for him. If you read over my thread, it's been 5 months and I still don't know.

 

Trust me when I say the times I had thought my ex had completely moved on were the times where the realization that we had broken up hit me the hardest and I really started to think about everything. It sucks to think about it that way, but it's true.

 

 

So yeah, I would like my ex girlfriend to move on. Not because that's what I want, that's irrelevant, but because that's what she needs to do.

[disclosure]

I can also tell you from very recent experience, that the times I checked her social media, were the times I sunk the lowest. And it sucks.

 

Just recently for awhile I was getting better at not checking her social media. Would go a couple weeks without checking and honestly it works. Then I would get the urge to check it, and when I gave in, back to feeling like ****.

[thysecret]

I went back and read over your situation.

 

 

You said you are working hard to change yourself for the better, not for him but you. Then you're wondering what he would want you to do. It's no longer about what you think he wants you to do. It's about what you should do. What do I think you (and her) SHOULD do? Try and move on. Don't wait around. I, like your ex, thought that we could possibly be friends in the future. But I've come to the realization that it will never work like that in relationships such as these (where feelings were too strong). Even if it does, it will be years, and by that time neither of us will probably care to rekindle a friendship. But I can tell you that the begging is no longer working in your favour. If he does give in, he is giving in out of guilt, not out of actually wanting to be with you. I've been there. I broke up with my girlfriend once, she took it horribly, and a week after her begging and pleading and crying we got back together. Looking back on it, I can 100% tell you it was due to guilt and not being strong enough. I mistook those feelings for love at the time. A month later, I broke up with her again. Go no contact, give him space, carry on with your life.

 

If he wants you back, he will let you know. It may be 3 months, it may be 9 months, it may be never (which unfortunately, may be the most probable outcome). He may realize it in 2 years, and by then you have a new boyfriend and have completely moved on! That's why you can't wait for him. If you read over my thread, it's been 5 months and I still don't know.

 

Trust me when I say the times I had thought my ex had completely moved on were the times where the realization that we had broken up hit me the hardest and I really started to think about everything. It sucks to think about it that way, but it's true.

 

 

So yeah, I would like my ex girlfriend to move on. Not because that's what I want, that's irrelevant, but because that's what she needs to do.

 

Hey there, i appreciate your honest comments! I know he would want me to move on as his priority is career right now. He told me sometimes people need to learn to regret what they had after they lost it & encourage me to date someone else. He feels i am too good for him (which is not true sometimes).

I was his 1st true love but did i mention, we were in a LDR of 13hrs away by plane. Immigration, parents, work stress & the devil (me) is simply too much for him to handle i guess.

 

He told me he does miss me abit but he simply do not feel anything for me anymore & he does not have the time to communicate with me. He doesnt want me to wait for him & waste my youth. he's older by 10 years btw, i'm 22! Anyway, i was the one who chased him.. and took a couple of months for him to say he love me. Well, he is not experienced in love.

 

But as time passes, i see his issues that i used to overlook due to love. I still love him therefore i am letting him go. If he want me back, he gonna prove it.

 

Same goes for you, you should let it go and i believe you will meet someone who treats you well.

I used to be the devil but that is not the real me. I was afraid & insecure due to my past. It is unfair to my recent ex so i gonna stand up & learn. And i hope i wont repeat my mistake and be a wonderful girlfriend next time! Good luck!! Feel free to ask me anything if u wish to know how the dumpee feels!

[disclosure]

This is it. This honestly feels like the biggest decision I have ever made.

 

 

So as I said before, my ex contacted me last Saturday night, obviously drunk, and was wanting to meet up. She then apologized earlier that morning, and said she still misses me a lot and her feelings got the best of her. She then asked if I would like to go for coffee. I wanted to go for coffee in all honesty, I really wanted to see her, but I told her it probably wasn't a good idea due to the other night and her still having feelings for me, but I said I would like to go only to catch up and I made that clear leaving the ball back in her court. She replied saying ok and that she'd contact me later.

 

 

For the first little bit I talked to my counsellor thinking maybe it wasn't a good idea to meet up for coffee at all. It felt terrible to have to say no, but I knew we still had feelings and it would just make things harder. Then over the next couple days I started thinking about giving the relationship another chance, and meeting up and talking about what went wrong and how we could improve on it. Was pretty much ready to start over and was feeling very positive over the next couple days and a lot of relief.

 

Then I mentioned it to my family to see what they thought, and that's when **** becomes complicated. They don't really like her, and neither do my friends all that much...constantly telling me I can do better. To be honest, I am not in a good place to be in a relationship, I am in between jobs, very low on funds right now, and going through a lot of personal ****. Family pointed this out, and basically told me I was making a huge mistake because they know she isn't right for me.

 

Then my ex texts me last night and tells me that she doesn't think it's a good idea to meet up, because although she really wants to, her feelings are still very strong and it would make things worse. Very mature of her, imo.

 

...So basically when I read that I pretty much had a meltdown. Last couple days I have been so positive thinking **** could work out etc, but then these last two things happen making me question myself even more. Pretty much just went for a drive last night until the early hours of the morning trying to think everything over and I'm left completely blank still.

 

I'm incredibly unhappy/lonely, these last 5 months I have thought about her everyday and have been the lowest of my life. Break-up, unable to decide on a career path, personal ****, low funds, no motivation, just realizing that everything is moving so fast and now I'm 23 and feel like I have wasted the last couple years.

 

So it sounds like from this that I am not over her and should give it another chance. Which is 100% true, I am not over her at all. But here is where the hesitation comes in...I am still very much aware of all the negative aspects of the relationship, and I know if they do not change then neither will the relationship. I know where I went wrong and am working on improving that. But certain parts of these I fear, are just her personality and are unlikely to change. Because she is so fragile herself, the last thing I want to do is break up with her again, waste more of her time, and hurt her even more. I have struggled with the guilt of breaking her heart this first time, and can't imagine doing it again.

 

 

Also deep deep down, I feel like my family/friends are right and she may not be the best fit for me. I know that there would be other girls out there who are better for me. But for whatever reason, I am in love with her and haven't stopped thinking about her for 5 months. I'm worried that in 2/3/5 years time, nothing changes, I overcome my personal obstacles and realize that she wasn't right for me, and break up with her again. I don't want to waste her time. It's also my first LTR so I have nothing to compare it to..

 

 

So reading over that, should I be thinking about myself right now and what would make me happy right now, really work on/try and improve the relationship together and see what happens, and if things don't work out then deal with it when it comes? Or should I be thinking long term, suffer through the next year/couple years and hopefully come out on top and be in a place where I can try and find someone who not only is a better fit for me/logically right for me, but I am in love with as well, with the potential of never finding someone I care about as much and living with that regret..?

 

Anyways, if anybody happens to read this, I know it's a lot, and I know it may be difficult to give advice since you don't know either of us, but I'll take any outside opinions..I have yet to respond to her text, which is basically saying goodbye, because I know that however I answer this, it's either the end of the relationship completely, or an attempt to start over.

Edited May 2, 2014 by disclosure

[elseaacych]

I have never seen someone who needs to read the following link so badly: Can Your Relationship Be Saved, by Dr. Michael S. Broder

 

Please read that. It may help you.

 

People make the mistake of thinking they have to make a decision right away. Honestly, I think you and your ex need to break up entirely. Neither of you is in a place to have a healthy relationship. You will end up driving each other away. You can't fear the future. Know that there are so many people out there, and there is likely a better match for you. You will be so much happier once you get yourself off this emotional rollercoaster. Even if you are single! You will be so much happier!

 

You've ended it once. Be tactful. You need to commit yourself to the idea that you are making the best decision for the both of you, but mostly you. You need to commit yourself to NC. Entirely. And you need to do it before you break up with her, so you have a clear head. Before you go break up with her, in person, block her on social medial, get a software blocker and have it block every website of hers so you can't stalk her. Delete her phone number. Get rid of everything, anything of hers that you have, box it up and bring it with you. Then, go meet her. Tell her that you can't continue on like you have, because it isn't fair to either of you. Tell her you've had a hard time since the break up too, and it wasn't that you didn't love her. At one point, you loved her very much. Reassure her of her worth, and that you've loved being with her and spending time with her, and she will always have a place in your heart. You tell her that you both need to stop contacting each other. Ask for her phone. Delete your phone number from it. Tell her it's best for the both of you. Give her a kiss and say farewell. Then go cry it out. Take two days if you need to. Get all of your emotions out.

 

Then NC. And by NC, you cannot see anything of hers. NOTHING. She does not exist in your world. With lots of therapy and friends. Cold turkey. It's the only thing you can do to heal.

 

Do not worry about the future. You survived fine prior to meeting her, you will live without her.

Edited May 2, 2014 by elseaacych

[disclosure]

I have never seen someone who needs to read the following link so badly: Can Your Relationship Be Saved, by Dr. Michael S. Broder

 

Please read that. It may help you.

 

People make the mistake of thinking they have to make a decision right away. Honestly, I think you and your ex need to break up entirely. Neither of you is in a place to have a healthy relationship. You will end up driving each other away. You can't fear the future. Know that there are so many people out there, and there is likely a better match for you. You will be so much happier once you get yourself off this emotional rollercoaster. Even if you are single! You will be so much happier!

 

You've ended it once. Be tactful. You need to commit yourself to the idea that you are making the best decision for the both of you, but mostly you. You need to commit yourself to NC. Entirely. And you need to do it before you break up with her, so you have a clear head. Before you go break up with her, in person, block her on social medial, get a software blocker and have it block every website of hers so you can't stalk her. Delete her phone number. Get rid of everything, anything of hers that you have, box it up and bring it with you. Then, go meet her. Tell her that you can't continue on like you have, because it isn't fair to either of you. Tell her you've had a hard time since the break up too, and it wasn't that you didn't love her. At one point, you loved her very much. Reassure her of her worth, and that you've loved being with her and spending time with her, and she will always have a place in your heart. You tell her that you both need to stop contacting each other. Ask for her phone. Delete your phone number from it. Tell her it's best for the both of you. Give her a kiss and say farewell. Then go cry it out. Take two days if you need to. Get all of your emotions out.

 

Then NC. And by NC, you cannot see anything of hers. NOTHING. She does not exist in your world. With lots of therapy and friends. Cold turkey. It's the only thing you can do to heal.

 

Do not worry about the future. You survived fine prior to meeting her, you will live without her.

 

It's not really about breaking up with her again, we haven't gotten back together, it's just for 5 months I have been living in guilt and regret and doubt and loneliness and missing her like crazy

 

Thank you for that link, it is very informative.

 

 

this part particularly hits close to home

 

"If you are undecided, it is in your own best interest to leave no stone unturned in trying to save your relationship, provided that your relationship has at least the potential to add an acceptable degree of happiness and quality to your life."

 

I never did that. I talked to her the night before about us and briefly on my feelings, then I broke up with her the next day, giving her no chance to even register what I was feeling.

 

Trial Separations

 

"… observe whether the absence draws you closer or pushes you further apart."

 

I almost feel stronger feelings now than I ever recognized while I was in the relationship.

 

some other **** I pulled from that.

 

"Total agreement is an unattainable fantasy.

People without “quirks” do not exist.

Letting your partner be who he is makes things so much easier.

… perfect enough.

Perfect relationships don’t exist, either."

 

"No relationship that you value is worth throwing away without a thorough evaluation of these types of conditions."

 

"Forever exists only in theory. Life is best lived a day (week, month) or—perhaps when applying the principle to deciding whether your relationship can stay together—a year at a time."

 

I think my expectations are high, and even if/when I get into another relationship, everything won't be perfectly how I've imagined it.

 

 

That link honestly is throwing me in the the other direction. All that talk at the end about working it out together...

I know the relationship won't work if she doesn't actually listen to me when I explain why I broke up.

 

But at the same time...I don't know if I can live through even another 5 months of regret that I didn't try to explain it all to her and see how she responds. The last 2 days of having the mentality that we were going to meet up and talk...I was so optimistic. I felt relieved, I felt motivated. Then upon discussing it with the family and thinking about if it didn't work out, then her saying she doesn't want to meet due to it bringing up old feelings, I started thinking it was for the best, and my mood flipped completely and I felt completely hopeless.

 

 

My biggest fear of getting back into it, is ending it once again due to nothing changing, and hurting her once again. But if we discuss our feelings, and neither of us feel they have been met over time, then it seems at that point it would be more logical to break up.

 

Anyways, maybe I'm just not looking into the other side of it hard enough, but basically this article is telling me not to just throw it away if we haven't really tried to fix it. I'm going to really sit down and read that, spend a lot of time coming at it from both angles and I guess just see where I end up.