Cheated on fiance, wondering about our future

January 25, 2014

Hi everyone.

I am new to blogging, but after mulling over an experience I had last summer, I need a safe environment to get this off my chest. I could really use some opinions and advice.

I'll start with some history of my fiance and I. I am 24 and he is 25. We have been dating since highschool, for 7 years. I have had 2 boyfriends previous and I am the only girl he has ever dated or slept with. we have had a good relationship so far. We get along well, never fight, we share a lot of the same worldviews, he is loving and supportive, and I love him very much as a person.

A few years into our relationship we talked about the possibility of getting engaged. We thought if we had been together this long and things were going well, engagement was the next logical step in a relationship. So we got engaged in March 2013. But after a few months I started to feel like things were different as an engaged couple than as just a long term couple. The implication of marriage started to feel like a huge deal.

In July 2013 I got an internship at a really great place that is clear across the country. I was very excited an took the internship without hesitation because my career and studies are very important to me. I saw this as a great opportunity I could not pass up, even though it meant leaving my fiance behind for 2 months. I knew it would be hard to not be intimate with anyone for that long, but felt like I could do it. I told myself it was not an option to be unfaithful.

When I got there I found myself in a wonderful environment with really great people. Right away I bonded with a guy I worked with. In a short time we could feel an immense sexual tension between us. It went unspoken that we were very attracted to each other. So we spent a lot of time together. Then one night the inevitable happened and we had oral sex. When it happened though I didn't feel like myself. As silly as it may sound, I felt like a spell had overcome me. The sheer pleasure I felt surpassed any desire to say no. I made no attempt to stop the situation even though my subconscious knew it was wrong.

The next day we talked about it. we were both kind of in shock that it happened. He knew I was engaged and I knew that he had a long-term girlfriend. We agreed it was wrong and should not happen again. But it did. Again, and again and again....It was the BEST SEX i've ever had in my life!! He was incredibly good in bed, something Id never experienced before. But with this pleasure came great pain and confusion...What if my fiance finds out? this is so unfair to him! This is so unlike me. I would not do this if I were totally satisfied in our relationship sexually or otherwise. Thats when I started to think about the possibility that I was cheating because there was something in our relationship that was missing, unfulfilled.

For the past couple years, I feel like my fiance and I's love life in the bedroom has gone stale. We have sex 3 or 4 times a month. I don't have this passionate urge to have sex with him like I did with this other guy. Note that there was nothing about this other guy that made me want to date or marry him, etc. But with him I was able to fulfill a void in me that had existed for a long time.

When I returned home from the internship I called off the wedding. I told him I didnt feel ready. I did not tell him I had cheated. But I feel like a part of him knew, considering I called off a wedding immediately after spending 2 months apart from him. But he never accused, never asked. Out of sight, out of mind. I called off the wedding to buy myself more time to think and reflect on our relationship. Is it wise to marry a man I just cheated on? Is this a red flag that there is something sour in our relationship? My gut is telling me yes, there most certainly must be something wrong. And ive been trying to figure it out. A part of me REALLY struggles with the fact the neither me nor my fiance has had much experience in dating or sleeping with other people. A huge part of a successful relationship is the physical intimacy. If neither of us is experienced, wont we have boring, infrequent sex our whole lives?! A part of me thinks that my fiance would be making a HUGE mistake to marry his first girlfriend, first sex partner, and first girl he's ever loved. I have told him this but he says he has no doubts. I have even told him in the past that Ive had feelings for other people but he said as long as I didnt act on them we would be fine.

Are we lying to ourselves?! Is it normal to start having doubts like this? Do I have the 7 year itch where I need to know what else/who else is out there even tho I have a great fiance? It saddens me to think of breaking up because we have such a great foundation built up and we could have a great future together if we worked out some things, but I just dont know what is best to do. Should we take a break and see other people? Stay together and deny the affair happened? Break up and never see each other again?

I need to hear thoughts and opinions from people who have gone through something similar or are more experienced. This is sort of a crisis for me that I have kept bottled up for 6 months.

Thanks for bearing with me.

January 25, 2014

Hi RR,

Welcome and thanks for being brave enough to post. OK now on to the meat of the situtation.....

This one is simple. You said something early on in your post that was VERY telling. You said when you got the internship, you didn't know if you could go 2 months without being intimate with SOMEONE. You didn't say your fiance; you said someone. Although I know you love your fiance, you need to let him go. You already have a problem in that sexually you don't feel that attracted to him. Also, you're starting off a marriage with a lie as you haven't told him about your encouters with this other guy. If you truly love him as you say you do, tell him.....even if it costs you the relationship. I can tell you from experience, he will find out. And no matter when he finds out, he'll resent you for not telling him....even if he stays with you. At least if you tell him, and he stays, it's his choice.

My fiance, cheated on me the entire time we were engaged. I found out a year after we were married. To this day I have never felt so much pain that someone would not only betray me like that, but deceive me knowing I wouldn't have married them had I known. Our marriage didn't last the remainder of the year.

Tell him the truth as hard as that may be. Even though you love him, he just may not be right for you. You can spare him (and you) a lot of pain down the line.

January 25, 2014

I agree, if you can tell him, tell him. Let him make up his own mind.

But if you can't tell him, break up with him. How would you feel if he had an affair and did not tell you. Did you get tested for stds?

You should also tell your lover's girlfriend. She should know what happened.

It does not sound like your really love your boyfriend. ( wedding called off)

Do him a favor, tell him that you need to break up with him and he needs to move on.

Be careful in your future relationships. Cheating is a rotten thing to do to someone you love. It is also very damaging to the betrayed party. Hope you find happiness in your future.

January 25, 2014

First thing you should do is tell him.

January 25, 2014

Are we lying to ourselves?!

Nope. You are solely lying to your husband and yourself. Stop making it seem like he did anything wrong. I would tell him and part ways as you are evidently bored of your relationship. Good luck with having the "BEST SEX" in the future!

January 25, 2014

Yeah, when it gets right down to it, you really don't feel anything for your poor fiancé. Engaged, planning a wedding, and the first opportunity you get, you let yourself into a steamy sexual situation and be used by an other man. He didn't have any real feelings for you, silly girl. He was just lookin' to get laid. You were there and available and, of course, "the inevitable happened." Getting engaged was wrong, wrong, wrong. It doesn't sound like your heart was ever in it. Let the poor guy go and find real love and happiness with someone who won't stamp on his heart. He deserves to be happy and fulfilled in a REAL love relationship. Move on!

January 25, 2014

If you marry him after having done this, it would be like marrying him under false pretenses. He might decide he doesn't want to marry you if he finds out. What if you don't tell him and he somehow finds out later on, after you're married, or after you have kids, and then leaves you? Even if it seems unlikely, there are threads like that on this forum from time to time. The other man gets back in contact with you, you come in contact with him in the future somehow, and it all comes out. So, if you do ever decide to marry him, telling him is a must.

If you love him, and plan to continue to be his girlfriend while you make up your mind about marriage, I also think you should tell him. Otherwise, you are sinking your time (and his) into a relationship that may fall apart if he knew the truth. And you really can't control completely if he ever finds out the truth, especially with social media, facebook, linked in, etc., making getting back in touch with someone very easy.

If you are going to break up with him and see other people, then I don't see the need to tell him. It would be nice if you did, just so he knows the truth. Telling him is probably the right thing to do no matter what.

Passionate urges are much more common in new relationships than long-term relationships. Enjoyment of sex can be affected as much by psychological factors as physical ones. Your mood and the circumstances play a big part.

Obviously, you have a lot of doubts about your relationship with your boyfriend. You should be thankful that you are finding out about them now, before you got married, rather than afterward. There is no shame in calling off an engagement because you realized it wasn't right. You have to live with yourself - it is your life - so don't be too concerned with what others think about calling off the engagement or breaking up with your boyfriend to play the field.

All of the stuff about him being a good guy, a standup guy, well-liked by your family and friends, a hard worker, a good provider, does not necessarily make for a good husband. That is not to say that you should not care about him, that you should treat him with disrespect, but if he's not the one for you, then he's not the one for you. He may be upset about it, but certainly he wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't love him.

You have to be romantically interested in him for him to be husband material for you. Don't get steered into it by others who really like your husband - like your family and friends - if YOU do not feel it is right for YOU. It is your life, not theirs.

By the way, two months is not that long to have to go without being intimate - it already has happened to you and you are not even married yet. Similar situations could happen after you are married as well.

It is not normal to start off having doubts like you are having. My advice is to be honest with him and see some other people before you commit to marry one.

January 26, 2014

When you said " Best sex ever!" I realized you need to let your boyfriend go. You also asked if you two should see other people, meaning you would have no problem letting him go. It's for the best that you two separate as soon as possible.

Edited January 26, 2014 by peruano99

January 26, 2014

You are not lying to yourselves, you are lying to him. Tell him the truth as you would want to be told the truth if the situation were reversed.

January 26, 2014

When I returned home from the internship I called off the wedding. I told him I didnt feel ready. I did not tell him I had cheated.

although i believe you won't tell him the truth, you really should. he's probably thinking there's something wrong on his end for you to call off the wedding.

furthermore, it seems your lack in sexual experience has you bestowing this OM "the BEST lover ever." not a very good barometer given your limited experiences.

i do agree that you might want to take a break from your current relationship and experience "other" things. but not without informing your fiancé why exactly you feel the way you do.

do you still work with this guy? still in contact?

January 26, 2014

Is it wise to marry a man I just cheated on?

No.

Tell the poor chap and then sort yourself out.

January 26, 2014

I think the first thing you need to do is start by being honest with yourself. You say that you love your ex-fiance. I believe that you like him, he is honest, kind, loyal and supportive. None of these are love as a married couple, so while you admire him as a person, I doubt you love him. Secondly, you have to admit that you jumped ships pretty quickly, indicating that it would have likely happened eventually, regardless of which coast you live on at the time.

Finally, the true problem was that you knew that you two were courting each other and yet you kept ex in the dark, as it was in your best interest. What you should have done is be honest with him and then explore your other interests. You were not tricked, seduced or under a magic spell, you chose to do those things......and you were wrong.

I'm not going to recommend you reconcile or not from a couple of paragraphs, you know the situation much better than I. I do think that he deserves that you be honest with him and close this chapter. You can write a new chapter together, but this one should be closed. If you move forward, it has to be based on honesty and he needs to take you down off the pedestal.

January 26, 2014

You are obviously not ready to sacrifice some of your needs to make a long term relationship work, and I can't accuse you cause I was not ready when I was 24 either. To be honest it's not fair that you have such a mediocre sex life at this age. Your body and soul showed you that there are some needs you have to fulfil in order to be happy. I think it would be honorable that you discuss this with your fiance and let him know your feelings so he makes a life decision. He could forgive you and try to fix things or let you go. Either way you will be ok cause you seem like a girl with integrity.

January 26, 2014

Your BF deserves the truth.

January 26, 2014

Tell your boyfriend the truth. First of all you cannot enter a marriage with this on your conscience because your marriage will always be a lie in your mind. Second you have already cheated in this relationship in a fairly common scenario of a work environment before your marriage what are things going to be like ten, twenty or more years after marriage. There have been many threads on this site about individuals finding about infidelity taking place before marriage or decades previous and it does not make a difference when a partner finds out they are pissed and they will eventually find out. If you want to move forward I think you should tell your boyfriend the truth and move forward from there in whatever manner your relationship takes you but do not think you can burry this and have a successful marriage. I know someone who entered a marriage like this and it actually give him more confidence to cheat while he was in marriage because he got away with it for a while. Last, figurer out why you cheated in the first place. I agree with a few other posters here in that you seemed to be reminiscing or focused on how great the sex was. Is this lacking in your relationship?

January 26, 2014

Hi everyone.
I am new to blogging, but after mulling over an experience I had last summer, I need a safe environment to get this off my chest. I could really use some opinions and advice.

.... Snip ....

This is so unlike me. I would not do this if I were totally satisfied in our relationship sexually or otherwise. Thats when I started to think about the possibility that I was cheating because there was something in our relationship that was missing, unfulfilled.

.... Snip ....

Thanks for bearing with me.

Welcome - it's a good and detailed opening post of yours, that's good.

I don't disagree with what the other posters have adviced you to do. But I would point out something else. Could it be that instead of something missing in your relationship, it was something inside of you that was missing?

Honesty, character and integrity - how do you view these traits in other people and in yourself?

January 26, 2014

Welcome - it's a good and detailed opening post of yours, that's good.

I don't disagree with what the other posters have adviced you to do. But I would point out something else. Could it be that instead of something missing in your relationship, it was something inside of you that was missing?

Honesty, character and integrity - how do you view these traits in other people and in yourself?

Really really look at this, no matter how defensive I know it makes you reading it.

You need to realize that no matter what might or might not have been going on in your relationship, you have free will. You are an autonomous person. You cheated because you CHOSE to, and that choice is 100% on you.

January 26, 2014

From your post my opinion is that you are not ready for marriage. Good for you for calling it off.

Tell you bf the truth. If you can't be honest with your fiance (or ex-fiance), then who can you be honest with? It won't be easy, but if you he deserves to know the whole picture. You owe him that much.

I think that too many couples get married because it is the next logical step. Marriage is hard work. Most engaged couples don't like to hear that, but it is so true.

January 26, 2014

You don't sound like you are ready to get married. You are still very young and seemingly emotionally immature.

My advice would be to sow your wild oats and get it out of your system. You will know when you are ready.

Tell your fiancé so that he knows that the issue is you, not him.

January 27, 2014

Hi everyone.
I am new to blogging, but after mulling over an experience I had last summer, I need a safe environment to get this off my chest. I could really use some opinions and advice.

I'll start with some history of my fiance and I. I am 24 and he is 25. We have been dating since highschool, for 7 years. I have had 2 boyfriends previous and I am the only girl he has ever dated or slept with. we have had a good relationship so far. We get along well, never fight, we share a lot of the same worldviews, he is loving and supportive, and I love him very much as a person.

A few years into our relationship we talked about the possibility of getting engaged. We thought if we had been together this long and things were going well, engagement was the next logical step in a relationship. So we got engaged in March 2013. But after a few months I started to feel like things were different as an engaged couple than as just a long term couple. The implication of marriage started to feel like a huge deal.

In July 2013 I got an internship at a really great place that is clear across the country. I was very excited an took the internship without hesitation because my career and studies are very important to me. I saw this as a great opportunity I could not pass up, even though it meant leaving my fiance behind for 2 months. I knew it would be hard to not be intimate with anyone for that long, but felt like I could do it. I told myself it was not an option to be unfaithful.

When I got there I found myself in a wonderful environment with really great people. Right away I bonded with a guy I worked with. In a short time we could feel an immense sexual tension between us. It went unspoken that we were very attracted to each other. So we spent a lot of time together. Then one night the inevitable happened and we had oral sex. When it happened though I didn't feel like myself. As silly as it may sound, I felt like a spell had overcome me. The sheer pleasure I felt surpassed any desire to say no. I made no attempt to stop the situation even though my subconscious knew it was wrong.

The next day we talked about it. we were both kind of in shock that it happened. He knew I was engaged and I knew that he had a long-term girlfriend. We agreed it was wrong and should not happen again. But it did. Again, and again and again....It was the BEST SEX i've ever had in my life!! He was incredibly good in bed, something Id never experienced before. But with this pleasure came great pain and confusion...What if my fiance finds out? this is so unfair to him! This is so unlike me. I would not do this if I were totally satisfied in our relationship sexually or otherwise. Thats when I started to think about the possibility that I was cheating because there was something in our relationship that was missing, unfulfilled.

For the past couple years, I feel like my fiance and I's love life in the bedroom has gone stale. We have sex 3 or 4 times a month. I don't have this passionate urge to have sex with him like I did with this other guy. Note that there was nothing about this other guy that made me want to date or marry him, etc. But with him I was able to fulfill a void in me that had existed for a long time.

I hope you are not blaming your fiance you had an affair. Also just call it off with him, and try to be a better person in the future.

January 29, 2014

Good for you for ending things and calling off the wedding. But, you'll need to leave your bf.

What you stated about the sex being the best ever and how you don't have passionate feelings for your bf like you experienced with this guy...that sealed it.

As a man, he cannot compete with this other experience. I would attribute that though to you not feeling for him as you should. When a woman feels passionate about a man it makes the sex good.

Anybody can be a good person, sweet, loyal, upstanding. Doesn't make them a good partner for life as someone stated earlier.

Let your boyfriend find a woman who feels about him how a woman should feel for a man. He deserves it and you deserve to be with a man you can both adore and feel passionate about.

January 29, 2014

You are a cheater. Plain and simple. You can rationalize it any way you want. The fact that you still seem to explain why you did it (you felt the urge even though you knew it was wrong) suggests that you would do it again given the opportunity and right man.

January 29, 2014

Put yourself in your BF shoes. Wouldn't you want to know that he cheated on you?

Your not being fair to him. He need to know the truth because it's the right thing to do and if you don't tell him and marry him, and he finds out later, then the real trouble will begin.

Think how you would feel if he did it to you.

January 29, 2014

Yes please let your fiance go the last thing you want is for him to find out in the future that he married damaged goods.

January 29, 2014

Good for you for ending things and calling off the wedding. But, you'll need to leave your bf.

What you stated about the sex being the best ever and how you don't have passionate feelings for your bf like you experienced with this guy...that sealed it.

As a man, he cannot compete with this other experience. I would attribute that though to you not feeling for him as you should. When a woman feels passionate about a man it makes the sex good.

Anybody can be a good person, sweet, loyal, upstanding. Doesn't make them a good partner for life as someone stated earlier.

Let your boyfriend find a woman who feels about him how a woman should feel for a man. He deserves it and you deserve to be with a man you can both adore and feel passionate about.

Many a WW claims the sex was better because all the hype about that forbidden fruit tastes sweeter. The thrill of being bad and getting away with it always heightens the emotions.

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Cheated on fiance, wondering about our future

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