Popsicle Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 DURING THE AFFAIR (I stress during, not after) I would think having an affair would make a person pull away from their spouse, and I have read that this often happens to others. However, I also see that some people act closer to their spouse. This is the case with a friend of mine who is having an affair. She acts closer to her husband, because she doesn't want him to find out about the affair. And she also feels guilty for doing it to him and wants to kind of make it up to him. What are your experiences with this as an OW or OM?
RickFox Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Yes I became very distant, pretty much an A hole to my W, I thought I was acting normal but I viewed her as getting in the way of my happiness so I turned on her. She saw it immediately and I thought I was being slick but wasn't even close to being as sly as I thought. 4
MuddyFootprints Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I drove that wedge in as hard as I could. 1
sunburned Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 My default reaction was pull away (cringe) for much the same reason RickFox described. When I thought about it or felt some guilt, then I'd do something nice (cringe again). We had another stress in our lives at the time, so it was sort of the decoy issue that masked behavior that may have been suspicious otherwise. 3
Raena Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 In my case... (BS here) he pulled away, then pulled closer, then pulled away. Now looking back on it, it was all relative to the times he was spending with her and the times he told her to go on. He was doing the same to her. Push/Pull. I know I received an awful lot of "gifts" from him during this time period that he hadn't done before. For example: He went all out on Christmas last year, lavishing me with thousands of dollars worth of gifts. He NEVER did that. Last Valentine's he actually got me flowers and chocolates, which is something he NEVER did in the 11 years we were together. This was his guilt coming out I believe. It wasn't something he ever did for me before. He also begged me to take the summer off instead of work like I usually do. At the end of the summer, he asked me probably 20 times if I enjoyed myself and did I have a good summer. It actually was pretty awesome. We had a great time together. Knowing the truth about what was really going on during those time periods just tarnishes every nice thing he did for me though. 3
soundsfamilar Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 i pulled away, yet tried to gloss it over by being all "casual" and "normal". but i already had detached before the A, the A just made it worse. according to my exMM, he also pulled away, then tried being closer with his BS when we broke up he first time (which "didn't work", according to him, but i'm sure his BS didn't understand what was happening), then pulled away again, etc. it's an exercise in madness… you cannot force feelings to be what you want them to be. your true colors usually show, unless you're a socio/psychopath. 1
skylarblue Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 At the beginning of my former A, I was in a LTR. It definitely caused some distance primarily in affection and/or attraction. My bf definitely noticed a difference, but never suspected an A, and I always gave him plenty of excuses not to. We didn't stay together, but are now in a R again. Even though the A ended 2yrs ago, the damage it caused still affects the R. 2
Author Popsicle Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 At the beginning of my former A, I was in a LTR. It definitely caused some distance primarily in affection and/or attraction. My bf definitely noticed a difference, but never suspected an A, and I always gave him plenty of excuses not to. We didn't stay together, but are now in a R again. Even though the A ended 2yrs ago, the damage it caused still affects the R. Really, how so?
Goodbye Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 My exH acted closer to me when he was cheating. It felt contrived as our marriage was pretty bad at the time. He did give me some nice gifts during that period though...I think it was out of guilt and also as part of a cover up. My exMM claims he didn't have contact with his W while we were together, but I believe nothing that comes out of that mans mouth anymore. He was probably bringing her flowers and having sex every night. Who knows. 2
EverySunset Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 As a BS, I went through periods where WS blamed me for *everything*. Then he'd get sweet. Send me like 3 dozen roses. I thought he was getting eaten up at work, and eventually, started to consider he was bipolar. But nooo I was getting attention in between all his side pieces. And he would criticize or pick fights with me while he was with them so he could create believable distance. For himself to justify what he was doing, with me to give me plausible cause for distance, lack of intimacy, etc. Chest deep in my EA, I was closer. My MM was so supportive of me working it out with my H... But that ship sailed. The whole M seemed hollow. I couldn't rein anything back in and that's when I realized how I could be closer. It was like a friend... I never touched him again after his Dday, and the start of my EA I realized I fell into after.
violet1 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 My default reaction was pull away (cringe) for much the same reason RickFox described. When I thought about it or felt some guilt, then I'd do something nice (cringe again). We had another stress in our lives at the time, so it was sort of the decoy issue that masked behavior that may have been suspicious otherwise. Oh my! That's exactly what I did. I played the push and pull game. The first time I was intimate was my exMOM, my H and I got into one of the worst arguments that night. I had put the OM on such a high pedestal in my mind. I constantly pointed out my H's flaws. Then I would feel bad and try to be lovey to him. Looking back, it's disgusting how I treated my H. 1
Daisy2013 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I pulled away and pretty much shut my H out. I became angry and found fault easier. Basically, I didn't care anymore and quit trying in our M. I had found what I was looking for after years of a M wherein my H lived his own life and didn't care about us as a couple, or so it seemed. He noticed because he would ask what my problem was.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 During my wife's affair she became very COLD and distant from me. As the PA continued, her behavior towards me got worse. After a month or so it was so bad that I started thinking about divorce. The tension in the air between us at that time was thick. It was like PMS on steroids!
compulsivedancer Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 I pulled back. I didn't realize it at the time, but H said he noticed it. It probably would've coincided with when OM and I started having sex. I realize now that I just stopped caring. I don't think I got angry more or anything - probably less, actually. I think I just stopped putting in effort or interest.
janedoe67 Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 First I like the way you put "during the affair" (can't remember the exact words) in bold, indicating that there are - in fact - other dimensions to a person's life than when they WERE in an A. In the first A there was no pulling because the connection had long since died. I was invisible, he was invisible. We were barely civil roommates. The others....weirdly, we were still good friends the whole time. There was no romantic pulling back because the relationship was no longer romantic anyway.
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