lovesucks Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 First of all, please excuse me for the length of this note. I rather provide more specific details so you folks can have a more complete picture. Thank you for those who took the kind patience to read through my post. Some of you may have already heard my story a while back. I learned about my H’s affair with an intern from his office since last April, 2 weeks after it began. During the whole time I was making efforts alone to improve myself on my marriage until last November when I saw that H had no intention to give up the OW. So I moved out, H was devastated but later supported my decision. While I was about to put an end to my marriage 2 weeks ago, my H expressed his wish to return. He told me that since I have moved out, things between my H and the OW has gotten really bad. H said that he has been unhappy and very hurt by the OW. He has realized she is not what he thought she was. He said that there is an ugly side of her that he failed to acknowledge. He has mentioned that he always knew the extent of the pain and hurt he has put me through and he said he feels guilty about having been selfish and about having ignored my feelings. He said he had no choice...... But here comes the turning point. We have had a very honest and open talk. I have confronted him many issues and I was prepared to hear the hard stuff but it was actually more than I could ever anticipate. I found out that he lied about many things including denying having any sexual acts with the OW ( he used to claim it was only an emotional affair) and the biggest cover-up he made is that the OW was pregnant by him last June. Both him and the OW agreed to an absorption afterwards. The news completely swept me off my feet. I listened calmly but I couldn’t control the pain and the tears. I sympathize with the pain my H went through after the absorption. He has always wanted to have a kid (we have no kids) but both him and the OW mutually agreed to having the abortion cos' it was an accident and they didn’t know each other well enough to have a kid together. He said he went through a lot of guilt for two months after the abortion. It still haunts him. When he talked about this he broke down completely. He said that he didn’t want to hurt me more than he had to. He had struggled with himself whether he should tell me many times. Even my parents-in-law knew about this. I was left the last one to learn about the old news. I don’t know what to feel. My feelings are torn again. On one side I am extremely hurt to core for everything he has done. On the other hand, I feel my H’s pain and guilt of losing his own child. H took care of her and helped her to recover in the following two months after the abortion. When I see from his face the amount of care and love he poured for her, it hurts me inside out. He said that it wouldn’t be right to leave her at that point. He said because of what they went through together they gradually developed a bond. He grew to love her more while taking care of her so he decided to give the OW a chance by continuing the affair with her. While the OW was vulnerable and physically weak after the abortion he was devoted to care for her to recovery, without having any realistic chances to see the OW with a more complete sense. I don’t know how to handle my emotions now. Although H said he always know he loves me deeply all the way long but why the heck has he hurt me the way he has, even by intentionally to carry on the affair after the abortion? I am having problems to make any sense out of his love for me. In September, long after the abortion, I remember asking him to give up the OW. He was reluctant to do so and sent me a black on white, 7-8 page email listing a dozen of my wrong-doings in the past 7 years we were together. It was a very long note written in tone of resentment and anger about fault-picking and comparing the OW to me. I was so deeply hurt and devastated. He also said that he was unable to give love to two women at the same time so he decided to give it all the the OW. He said he is aware of how much he has hurt me and he feels very guilty about inflicting such amount of pain on me. He even said I am a wonderful woman and not many BWs are still willing to talk their WHs after all that has happened between us. But I just cannot come to believe he says it is true that he has loved me all this time. Back to present, H is very hurt by the late experience with the OW over her pushy, needy and explosive altitude since I left home in November. He said he is leaving her when she returns from her trip in 3 weeks. He said he is tired of it and feel empty and exhausted being in a relationship with her. But in front of me, he is still asking a lot of questions as to why he has been treated like a piece of sXXX after what he has done for her. I can see that he is hurt to core by the OW. But he keeps questioning why their relationship has deteriated so bad. I listened the whole time while he talked and I can sense that he is still in disbelief and shock. He insists the OW is a good person but she is perhaps imbalanced mentally and there is something wrong with her and wonder she will ever change. OW told him right before leaving for her trip that she will change for good. He told me all these questions about the OW and their relationship which makes me doubt his sincerity fora reconciliation with me. Perhaps he is going through a lot of emotions at the moment but that makes me hesitate to believe his respect for me and his intention. I don’t know whether he is just trying to find excuses for himself to continue believing in the OW’s love or is he just trying to get over it with some answers? Can someone tell me what is going on in that head of my H and why I am feeling the way I am. What should I do to protect myself from getting more hurt? Does my H deserve a second chance? Is he genuine about the reconciliation or is he only vacillating? What should I be aware of if there is a reconciliation? These probably sound like silly questions but I have been caught up in the middle of my H’s affair for 10 months and it is hard to keep my head straight and mind clear. My therapist thinks that my H is very narcissistic and he may have found his own match with the OW. I know if I am going in a reconciliation, there is a very long and tough road ahead. I feel that my shoulders are being over loaded different emotions. To be honest the reconciliation really doesn’t sound very exciting to me. I thought I was getting numb and there are moments alone I broke down in tears and my heart aches like hell. Anyone who has been in my H shoes or in similar situation I would be grateful if you can share your view and thoughts. Thanks a million for any help.
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I just want to say that she may be having some resentment over the whole abortion thing, especially towards him.
Author lovesucks Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 But it isn't the first time the OW had an aborption. She had one before she had a son with her ex-MM few years back. H said OW was in fact touched by the his care after the absorption and she never complained once to him about the aborption.
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Do you mean abortion? Just because she's had one before doesn't mean she's going to be happy about it. I read your whole post and I don't really see much of what YOU want. Do you want this guy back? Why would you?
Author lovesucks Posted January 13, 2005 Author Posted January 13, 2005 Yes, I do mean abortion - aborting the baby. Sorry for the mis-spelling. You are right. She could be resenting my H over the abortion. After all, the OW is only human. But it is strange that when she shouted at him many times, the subject was never brought up between the two. It was more about pushing him for committment, controlling his move and I know for a fact that the OW hates me. Everytime they spoke of me, they argued. Really at this moment I don't know what I want. I was about to call it quit and ask for a divorce 2 weeks ago. I wanted him back really bad initially when the affair began but my feelings have diminished over time. I still feel something for him but not very strong. I don't know whether it is still love or just care. But I also feel a strong sense of betrayal, lots of anger, resentment and most, the hurt. H and I have been togther for 14 years, married for 3. I guess what makes it hard for me to let go is our relationship has such a long history.
NiCoLe20 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 if you get back with this man you need to seek more help. he's lied to you and even TOLD you he had feelings for the OW. why would you even consider about getting back with him? he ditched you for her....and now b/c his feelings are fading for her, he wants you to be the rebound. he has no one else to be with for now so thats the only reason he is going back to you. sorry to be so blunt but its the truth. and, if you do decide to get back together, what makes you think he wont pull the same stunt again? its wrong, he chose to marry you, accept the vows, and have a future with you. he screwed up BIG TIME, and i dont think this guy deserves another chance. let him beg till he turns blue in the face. he's not worth it and i hope you realize this.
Owl Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Well, I'm always an advocate of staying married, but in this case I think you should remember that you're not REQUIRED to do anything. You by no means HAVE TO take him back. He's hurt you beyond belief. He acted in the most selfish manner possible, with total disregard to your feelings or well-being. As far as what's going on in his head...from what I've read, it's not at all uncommon for something like this to happen. It's extremely rare that a relationship formed from an affair lasts. From what I've gathered from what I've read, seen here, and learned from my counselor, this is a very common scenario...the affair "wound down", and now he's realizing what he gave up for it. My suggestion...keep up the counseling. Work on figuring out what YOU want and need right now. If its reconciliation...great. If its not....great. Learn about what all will be involved in trying to recover your marriage from this...be prepared for it if that's what you want to do. If not...then follow through with your original plans and finish that divorce. No one can blame you for either choice at this point...for a change, this is finally about what YOU want in life. Good luck!
sylviaguardian Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Ask yourself the following questions: - if you and your H divorce, where do you see yourself in 5 years time? - if you never saw your H again how much do you think you would miss him? - if you and your husband had only been together for 2 years prior to this, what would be your decision? - how many years of your marriage prior to this were happy years? - do you think your husband will be able to put in the effort to make your marriage work (it takes a hell of a lot of effort). - how did you feel when you thought you were going to divorce him? Of course, you are going to feel sad but what else did you feel? Terror that you were going to lose your best friend? Relief? You obviously have a lot of thinking to do before you make a decision. I would think that if you decide it is worth another go that you make it conditional on going to therapy together (and that's before he moves in). Either way, it will be a hard decision. If you take him back you will both need to give 100%. I don't want to sway your decision but I was once involved with a man who was also a narcissist. When we broke up I was devasted and would have done anything to get him back. I now realise that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me as I had never really been happy with him. I would say that it took me 18 months to get my life back on track but I am so glad now that it happened. Did he really make you happy? Sylvia
Ladyjane14 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Hmmph. He doesn't know what the hell he wants. Don't be fooled. First he leaves you to be with her, then he wants to leave her to be with you. He's not running to, he's running from!!! Then he wants you to be his sounding-board about all his problems with OW. Unbelievable audacity! Tell him that when he has ended ALL contact with the OW, then you might consider discussion. Tell him that you're NEVER sharing another man with someone else in any capacity. Afterall, you are worth a man's fidelity. And don't promise him anymore than that. He can't stand it that you're moving on without him, and he's uncertain if OW is THE ONE. You're just his fall-back plan right now. It's incumbent upon HIM to prove otherwise.
Ladyjane14 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Honey, go back and read through your earlier posts. (I just did) He has ALWAYS wanted to make this thing YOUR fault. You're finally coming out on the other side. Do you really want to go back to that cold, dark place? With him STILL after all this not willing to take responsibility? He actually called that b*tch the "love of his life" to YOUR face!!! We talk about emotional needs alot here, but you didn't do (or not do) anything that would make it right for him to treat you like this. He made those decisions by himself, and for himself. Let him stew in them. Tell him to kiss your a$$. You deserve better than him. p.s. It's probably time to start viewing him as a toxic impediment to your future happiness. Think about that, okay?
jmargel Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Your husband needs counseling for himself before he should get back with you. He is using YOU as his counselor right now, and asking questions like (why does the OW feel this way) in which he shouldn't! If he truly loves and wants to be with you he wouldnt care about what she feels and why. You have now become the 'safety net' for him. Even though you threatened this & that, nothing has followed through and he knows this. The chances of him going back to her, if she becomes 'nice' again are pretty good. She is probably pissed, not because of the abortion, but because you two haven't gotten a divorce. He has the best of both worlds. In the end you have to make yourself happy. Like the other poster said, do you really want to live in such insecurity for the next 5 years, or the rest of your life? How much are you willing to take? This letter he wrote stated all these problems about you, but try to go into specifics on some. Have you ever cheated on him or have done something else to him? You two have quite a few problems, boundaries that were crossed and the underlying foundation of your relationship has been destroyed. We are not here to make decisions for you but could only advise you on what choices you have. My best opinion right now is to NOT make a choice. You dont' have a time table on whether to take him back or not. The ball is in YOUR court. If I were you however, I would give him the ultamatium that if he wanted any chance to reconcile the marriage, that he goes to counseling for himself for a good couple of months before you decide to take him back, otherwise you are just setting yourself up for more problems. You two have issues between each other that go way further than just the affair. These issues are everything that caused the affair to happen.
lostgirl26 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I agree a lot with jmargel, but after rereading your post again I feel if it were me, I would not stay in a relationship like that. He is so reluctant to let go of the OW, abortion or not. I feel you really don't owe him anything and I would run, run away fast from this. If you don't it will be a constant cycle. Find a good lawyer and a good therapist. Move on with your life, its pretty obivious that he is using the abortion and his feelings about it to try and control you. But that is just my 2cents. Either way I wish you luck because it will be a very hard journey.
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Either way HE needs to be by himself for a long time. Needs to figure HIS own crap out on his own without the help of you or the OW. Don't try and 'be' there for him. He has disrespected you, and shown you NO trust - and alot of fear...Meaning your reaction to the OW getting pregnant and again not telling you about the abortion. It is his guilt, his sadness, his mistakes...NOT yours. Don't allow him to manipulate the situation to better himself in your eyes. You moved on, you have had some awful hurt because of this man. And now all of a sudden he is coming back wondering the big IF.... Well, let him work on himself. Therapy. Get rid of the OW completely. Then in 6 months or so if you feel like you still love him and want him in your life then ONLY then, seek couples therapy. But he needs to do this on his own. NOONE can jump from one relationship to another...Just isn't right or fair to anyone involved. HE chose to love her over you...Now he sees the mistake. I am not saying 'be mean and play games' that is just not fair and it's mean too, but you can let him know how what he did made YOU feel and how much work is ahead of him if you decide to take him back. I wish you the best and I really hope you're doing okay. Keep posting. WWIU
Joyce Posted January 14, 2005 Posted January 14, 2005 Hi lovesucks, Sylvia has posted some great questions that you need to ask yourself. The most important key to life is to remember to make yourself happy. If you decide to take him back do it because it's what you want not what you think is the right thing to do.
Author lovesucks Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 Thank you all for providing your support and responses and sorry to have taken a while to reply. I am having a hard time to cope these days with the new found lies and betrayal. Especially after I read all the posted replies, I just couldn't stop crying. I can't help the hurt whenever I think of the lies. As much as I try, I feel very insecure and am still finding it hard to believe my H's sudden change of altitude of wanting to finish off with the OW and get back with me. These days he has been asking to see me and wanting to spend time with me. His altitude to me has become more affectionate and caring. When I am with him now, I try to keep a distance and I find myself staring hard into his face and wonder about every thing he says. He keeps asking for a chance for us to try. He said he doesn't expect me to do anything, doesn't expect me to move back in right away and he said that he understands I will need time to consider taking him back. He only wants me to give him the chance by continuing to see him and speak to him so that he can make up to me for what has been missed out. I have told him that he will never understand my pain and what I have gone through. I told him what he has hurt me most is that for 9 months he continued to make conscious choices and lies in favor of the OW that he knew it hurt me badly. He admits he has done everything consciously, including his choice of love for the OW. He said that he never has stopped loving me, but he had to bury his love for me in order to try throwing himself all out to the OW. He said that he has been in denial to admit that he was making 'a huge mistake' and he was trying to do everything to make their relationship right. He said he was too blinded by passionate love to see the reality clearly and he refused to admit something was wrong. After all the shouting, humiliation and over-controlling from the OW, he said that the 3 hate mails sent by the OW in December was really the last blow to open his eyes. He said he has realized the OW has only been a passion and she is not worth the effort. He feels very bitter and resentful being in the relationship because he said he gave all his best but he thinks the OW is mentally sick. H knows he has personal issues to resolve and he said he wants to be a better person. He said that he would like to see a therapist. I have been going to personal counselling since 4 months ago to work on the problems that he said I am responsible for in the failing of our marriage. 4 months later, at least now I realize the real problems are lack of affection, sex and emotional support and the rest my H wrote on that long email back in September are just BS - comparing me with the OW and picking faults. I understand there are problems my H and I would need to work together if there is a reconciliation. But I am mostly angry with the way how the email was written, in tone of threats and very unappreciative. I told him I am still very upset about that and he admit he was so blinded by love and he couldn't see or think straight at the time. He said he knows it is me whom he wants a life with, he wants to respect me and is willing to go slowly. He said he knows 'what he is doing'. I am trying to believe and to make sense of the above he told me yesterday. Yet, though H said he will finish with the OW when she returns in 3 weeks but he really isn't done with the OW yet at this moment. How can I trust him? I know most of you folks are saying my H is not worth another go and I do agree with that. But I just wonder shall I at least continue to let him speak to me or see me? I can't help but still get the feeling I am just a 'safety net' for him though he says I am not. I want to find a way to see or test his determination for his sincerity of getting back together without letting him feel that I am already committed.
Author lovesucks Posted January 15, 2005 Author Posted January 15, 2005 - if you and your H divorce, where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Being happy, having a career, either alone or with someone who truly loves me the way I am. - if you never saw your H again how much do you think you would miss him? Not very much. I think I would think about him but I don't think I will miss him that much. - if you and your husband had only been together for 2 years prior to this, what would be your decision? I think I would leave. - how many years of your marriage prior to this were happy years? I would say half/half. 7 years were very good. The rest of 7 years have been OK, at least I thought. My H thinks the last 4-7 years have not been happy to him. - do you think your husband will be able to put in the effort to make your marriage work (it takes a hell of a lot of effort). If I based on the way how he has handled the affair, NO. I don't think he will sustain the hardship and effort. But the things he has said lately about getting back together is tempting me to believe he may have learned something from the affair and that he is growing more mature to be able to put in the effort required. - how did you feel when you thought you were going to divorce him? Of course, you are going to feel sad but what else did you feel? Terror that you were going to lose your best friend? Relief? Relief. And sorrow. No, I am not afraid to lose him. I guess I am afraid of losing a future that I may be capable of making it happen.
Joyce Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 Being happy, having a career, either alone or with someone who truly loves me the way I am. If you truly feel this way then you should tell your H and move on. You really need to make yourself happy. Having someone love you for who are you is what true love is. I know you are angry and very upset. You should be... I think that even with your angry feelings you still love him. Remember that people can make mistakes and people are capable of changing. It can work if you want it too but it takes effort on both sides. Sometimes people don't realize what they had until it's gone. It's sad but true. If you try to make your marriage work do you think you could ever forgive him? I'm not saying today or tomorrow because your H has a lot of work to do but do you think that some day in the future you could possibly forgive?
chosdodfo Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 "While I was about to put an end to my marriage 2 weeks ago, my H expressed his wish to return. He told me that since I have moved out, things between my H and the OW has gotten really bad. H said that he has been unhappy and very hurt by the OW. He has realized she is not what he thought she was. " AND IF THINGS WERE GOING GOOD, HE'D STILL BE WITH HER!!!! Don't you be the REBOUND! He hurt you enough and is NOW just being selfish because things didn't work out with her. SO he figures, "well, might as well go back to the good ole wifey. better than nothin". Don't stand for it and don't be a doormat. You DESERVE BETTER!! YES YOU DO! Instead of thinking about HOW MUCH HE HURT YOU!!!, he is only crying to you about how HE WAS HURT by another woman. He's pulling a sob story to get you emotionally rolling and take him back. COmpletely selfish, you need someone who thinks about you in a relationship for it to work. I don't see it here.
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