sandykync Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I have a problem and i hope someone can help me with. I have been with the same guy now for a year and a half. We live together, and I love him very much and he love me. We dont fight and we get along great. We kiss, hug, snuggle, all of those this, but the problem is he wont have sex with me!! He says its not necessary, but every chance he gets he is watching porn on the internet and pleasures his self. A couple times a day!! He will before i come home, when im taking a nap or while im asleep. But he just says i doesnt need sex. Most of time he denys it, but i know he does. I have spoken to him about it many time and most of time it gets angry when i mention it, he does occasionally want to have sex but only one a week, if im lucky but i feel like it only to make me happy. Everything else is great except that, I really dont understand. Everyother guy I have been with cant get enough, but not him He only gets happy looking at nasty women on the net. I have tried everything. Any suggestions?
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 You may want to take your focus off of you, and your hurt feelings for a second. Your feelings are valid, but blaming porn isn't going to help, because in this case porn isn't the problem: its a symptom of an underlying problem. You will want to focus your blame on what led him to be this way, and try to reveal and work on those underlying problems that cause him to turn to porn/masturbation in lieu of actual sex. Was he abused - either sexually or emotionally? Was he the product of poor parenting, or an emotionally void household? What in his past formed him into a person who does not need sex outside of the sex he gives himself? Does he have deep intimacy issues? Has he always been this way? I would guess that there is a reason he is this way: and his porn/masturbation use INSTEAD of sex is a symptom of it. You will want to find out if it is because he has a problem in general, or his problems are unique to his relationship with you. You will want to express to him your unhappiness in this situation. You have needs too, and a relationship is about a mutual set of compromises to see that both partner's needs are being met. Have you asked him to attend counseling with you? He may not see that he has a problem, but at the very least I would hope he would agree to go for the sake of you both, and then work on problems as they arise.
Pocky Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 There are several posts on how to handle porn in a relationship. Many women have experienced the same issue and have posted questions on this board. You may find it helpful to search for "porn" and read other comments. While each situation may be a little different, you may be able to extract some helpful suggestions in other threads.
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 He's just not that into you if he won't have sex with you
moimeme Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 He's just not that into you if he won't have sex with you That's way too simplistic and bespeaks the mistaken impression that all men are perfectly fine mentally and all are highly-sexed creatures. It just ain't true. Men are every bit as capable of having issues as women (DUH) and that includes issues around having sex. Lucrezia's advice was sensible and reasonable.
Hund1976 Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 I would bet money that he has some sort of issues. Try to get him to see a professional about this.
Mr Spock Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme That's way too simplistic and bespeaks the mistaken impression that all men are perfectly fine mentally and all are highly-sexed creatures. It just ain't true. Men are every bit as capable of having issues as women (DUH) and that includes issues around having sex. Lucrezia's advice was sensible and reasonable. You need to grab yourself a copy of that book Moi..............or maybe a stick, to defend yourself from the multitude of suitors banging your door down. What I'd like to know from the original poster is if this has been the theme throughout their entire relationship? And regardless, is this something you can live with if he doesn't "change" or learn to work around his "issues" ?
hooghie Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Mr Spock He's just not that into you if he won't have sex with you I have to agree this is most likely the problem. I was with my ex husband for many years- at first, the sex was great, but over the years, I lost all physical attraction to him- I would masturbate on a regular basis when he wasn't around and rarely have sex with him- when I did, it was pity sex. Most of the time, I would watch porn for stimulation before we would have sex. Now, with my current boyfriend, I can't get enough! I'm not saying this is definitely hte reason, but 1. he either has issues with sex and needs some sort of therapy/help 2. he loves you, but isn't sexually into you.
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