tinker683 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Hey all, Ok, my ex broke up well over a year ago and by and large I've moved on. I'm happy, in a good place with my life. Everything is going great. I broke NC with my ex a few months ago to give her condolences for the anniversary of her mothers death. Her and I have been chatting a little bit ever since but very seldom. I'm ok with this, I feel like I'm burying the hatchet and letting go of resentments and getting on with my Life. Well, today I got a text from her inviting to go riding with her, "just the two of us, we can go wherever and whenever we want" (her words) I already had plans so I had to turn her down but I found her offer perplexing. She's barely spoken to me and hasn't shown any interest in having much of anything to so with me and now....this? I mean, I would liked to have gone, I love riding. I'm just not sure what to make of all of this. Thoughts?
central Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Maybe she's feeling a little nostalgia for what was, and may be looking to see if there's a chance to get back together. I suggest that having moved on, you stay on that path and not see her. You can go riding with someone else if you really want to. Were there good reasons to break up? If so, they probably still apply.
organizedchaos Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Maybe she's feeling a little nostalgia for what was, and may be looking to see if there's a chance to get back together. I suggest that having moved on, you stay on that path and not see her. You can go riding with someone else if you really want to. Were there good reasons to break up? If so, they probably still apply. Unless she's changed. But up to op to see how he feels about it.
d0cholliday Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 It depends on what was the reason of BU... And what OP actually wants. Good luck!
Mrlonelyone Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 If the break up was due to your ex not treating you right and she hasn't really changed then just keep moving on. If the break up was because of a condition that no longer applies, and you want her back, go for it.
Author tinker683 Posted January 26, 2014 Author Posted January 26, 2014 Thanks all for the responses thus far! I was the one who broke up with her. I broke with her at the time because she was going through a really difficult period and instead of opening up to me, she shut me out. At first I tried doing the supportive boyfriend thing but after weeks of her not really wanting to do much of anything with me, I tried talking to her about it and was essentially told to a) Put up with it or go away b) Quite crying "like a petulant child" c) To quit "making things so complicated" Her horse, which means the world to her, had gotten injured and she wasn't handling it well at all. She had grown up with an abusive step father, her mother died when she was young, and she had had a string of boyfriends that treated her very badly. As such, she had a lot of issues that she wasn't really dealing with very well. She had gone to therapy once and it helped her (long before she met me) but she had stopped going at some point and was refusing to go again. At the time, I was too inexperienced with relationships and didn't have as much self esteem that I do now. If I had known then what I know now, I would have ended the relationship much sooner. But I didn't. I let it carry on for months this way until I was feeling so utterly rejected and alone that I finally couldn't take it anymore and left. It was hard for me because a part of me felt like I was abandoning her but a larger, better part realized that I was with someone who was misrerable, had problems, and wasn't doing anything about them and was hurting me in the process. So I left. Then I learned that after I broke up with her, she started dating this other guy that she had been spending a lot of time with. In addition to everything I was already feeling, I then felt betrayed/disposable/etc.. I mean, she had kept making excuses not to be with me but she SUDDENLY had all this time for this guy??? It was really hard, but I have spent the past year rebuilding myself. I started dancing again, I started working out, met a really cool group of people that I've become really good friends with, and even tried my hand at dating a few times (with no success but still...I'm putting myself out there and I think that counts for something) Right now, I'm in a really good place and I love my life and am in no hurry to change it dramatically without good reason. It took me a lot of time, but I've come to forgive her. At the time of the break up, I feel like she didn't really want me anymore (and it's quite possible that that's true) but looking back on it now, I can not help but wonder if what really happened is she just has terrible coping skills and was taking that out on me. Either way, the relationship was unhealthy and toxic for me so I don't regret leaving and I'm very hestiant about any ideas of getting back together with her. I understand she has issues, and I'm willing to work her on these issues, but I have the following non-negotiables 1) Her and I are a team. She will not shut me out, she will not push me away, she will let me in and we WILL face OUR problems as a team 2) I will not beg her for her time again. If she wants to be with me, then she needs to BE with me. If I feel like I'm having to compete/negotiate for her time like I was before then I'm out. 3) Her and I are equals in this relationship and we will treat each other as such. If she can do those three things...then I'm willing to give it another go. But I know what I'm worth now, I know what I want, I know what I'm NOT willing to settle for again. All that being said: Part of the reason I'm seeking feedback here is I don't want to read more into this than I could. She's been friendly, but very distant toward me and up and until now has expressed NO interest in having anything to do with me. So for her to do this now is really out of left field and it's making me wonder what in the world she's up too. Is she just trying to be friendly? Is she feeling nostaligc and wants to see what could happen? Has she grown or changed some and is willing to REALLY work on the relationship?? I have no issue spending an afternoon with her and I'm open to working things out with her provided she does the above three things. While I've accepted and moved on with the idea that things as they stand now make it impossible for her and I have to a good relationship, I do love her and truly want the best for her and for her to be happy and if she has changed or if she IS willing to grow and work on things...then I feel like I ought to give it a chance. Provided that's where this could even go. I don't want to put the cart before the horse. Anywho, I sent her a text last night wishing her a good night, apologizing for not being able to make it, and hoping that she sleeps well. My attitude right now is: If she's really interested again, then she'll try to make plans with me and that will be that. If she doesn't, then she wont and that will be that. I'm curious to see what she wants to do, but I'm just fine leaving the ball in her court and going about my business. Again, thanks for the responses guys, would love to get your feedback.
Author tinker683 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Hey all, Just thought I'd post an update. My ex and I have been texting a bit during the week. Well, she invited me to come out again yesterday and, seeing as my day was free, I accepted and headed over to the barn. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel seeing her again for the first time. I took this breakup REALLY HARD and have spent the past year or so building myself back up. Now, currently, I'm actually a much stronger and better person than I was before but this woman...I swear, I think we build up our ex's to be this giant boogeymen/women in our heads and we get so terrified of seeing them again and having to remember how hurt and rejected we felt. When I drove up to the barn and saw her I felt....nothing. No hurt, no anger, no pain. If anything, I thought that seeing her was very pleasant. She looked exactly the same as I remember her and she was nothing but pleasant to me throughout the whole day. I didn't actually get to ride any horses, she was helping out the owner of the ranch in exchange for keeping her injured pony there as she couldn't afford to pay her. I helped her cleaning out out some stalls and played cheerleader/student when she was training some of of the horses (she's training them to be beginner horses for Western Pleasure riding). Being around her again, we feel right back in our old groove (the good patterns, not the bad), it was like we were never separated. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her company and hanging with her at the barn. After finishing up there, her and I went out to dinner and just chatted like old times. Part of the reason I was instantly pulled to her was because she is one of those rare few people I can talk to for HOURS and not get bored (and point of fact, we did initially do that). I did get the impression that she was making waves at me and/or perhaps indicating she might be interested in me again. She was telling me about how things with the guy she started dating almost immediately after I broke up with her was going south. She wanted to get married, have kids, and start a family. He doesn't want kids. He's also VERY religious and was hoping to convert her. She is an atheist (like me) and she wasn't interested in that. Finally, he had no interest in her horse-hobby (her horse is a *GIANT* part of her life and who she is). She commented to me that he's never once come too or offered to come to the barn (and she did mention to me how much she appreciated the fact that I was so interested in this part of her life. That seemed asinine to me, of COURSE I was interested in it! I was interested in her and everything about her while we were dating) So she's moving out and into her own place next weekend. She also intimated to me that she had wanted to see me and was hoping I would come train and riding with her. The general vibe that I got from her was that she was very warm and open with me, whereas I knew I was very apprehensive toward her and she picked up on that very quickly. While her and I did not talk about the break up or the end of our former relationship at all, she did tell me that part of the reason she asked for me here at this place specifically is because she felt I would "feel safe here" which I thought was an odd thing to say. She also mentioned to me that she was planning on moving out of state here very soon, which I thought was very odd since she had asked me about learning to ride with her so we could go riding again together. If she's moving out of state so soon...why invest in that sort of effort with me? That doesn't make any sense. I asked her about this and she told me that the out of state thing wasn't set in stone. So..overall, I got the impressions she was trying to test the waters with me. As I mentioned before, I was feeling very guarded and apprehensive because while I am not opposed to seeing her again and while I no longer hold any resentment or bitterness toward her over everything that happened I do **NOT** want to put myself in a position to where I can get hurt or taken advantage of again. While her attentions are doing wonders for my ego (validation), I am very cautious around her. Like I said, we didn't once talk about the possibility of a new relationship but it has been something that's been on my mind. While a small part of me would LOVE to believe that she's "come to her senses" as it were and that she realized just what it was I was offering her (a guy who was crazy about her and wanted to grow and build a life with her), I can not help but fear that what's REALLY going on here is that she's alone and scared and she's in need of an ego stroke. Which, truth be told...I'm not opposed too, so long as that's made clear in the beginning and I don't have to invest any hopes of some sort of future together. I don't mind at all reminding her of how awesome she is, of being a cheerleader for her, or even spending time with her. It doesn't take anything away from me doing that. I love her very much and while her and I may or may not be horrible for each other for a relationship together, I do not one bit mind being there for her or helping her out. But I'm not the same person I was before. I *know* what I'm worth now, my life is REALLY great now, and I have no wish to waste my time. If she's just looking for a cheerleader or someone to fluff up her ego, I don't mind playing that role again so long as that's made clear. But if she comes to me and tells me she wants the real thing...I'm open to that, but I know what I want now and it's gonna be up to her to think if what I want is what she wants or if she can work with that. If she can, great! If not...well, then that's that then. Anywho, that's the saga thus far. I'd appreciate feedback and your guys' thoughts.
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