jpt107 Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 My BFF Dee (I’m a guy BTW) has been in a relationship with this man she met online for about 5 months. She is a 39yo beautiful brown eyed blonde, divorced twice with 4 boys and 1 girl ranging from ages 11-21. She is a hard working mom that works about 70hr a week on 2 jobs. She’s been dating this 44yo guy Jay who has been divorced less than a year, seems like a decent enough guy, has 2 pre-teen kids, great 6 figure job, body builder type. They see each other a lot, really enjoy being with each other and have even expressed the L word a few times. Sex is great. They have met each others kids and they all seem to like each other. Dee is a glass ½ empty person when it comes to men. She’s always looking to find something wrong and for the longest time she couldn’t with Jay, until recently. She believes he is still in love with his ex-wife. His wife had weight loss surgery, dropped about 150lb and became a new woman, then saw that she was getting attention that she never got before from men, liked it, and decided that she wanted to shed 240lb of husband too. Jay fought it for a while but eventually gave in to the divorce. She now has a younger boyfriend. As Dee sees it, she basically walks all over him now. She comes and goes out of his house as she pleases (yes she still has a key) and he seems to think that if he doesn’t conform to her wishes it will somehow mess up his relationship with his kids. He still values the ex-wife as a good friend. They still talk for hours on end about other issues than the kids, and as Dee says it sounds like they are still married. He will take the ex’s phone calls over Dee’s and the ex can interrupt their plans as she pleases. He still a lot of the time slips and refers to her as his wife and not ex. When Dee asked Jay if he would ever go back to his ex, he didn’t outright say no, but said “well she has a boyfriend now”. Not exactly the kind of answer Dee wanted. Dee had a similar experience with a man who was a doctor, separated from his ex-wife, promised Dee and her kids the world, then with no notice went back to the ex wife because financially he was getting screwed. Dee sees similar financial problems with Jay. Jay recently inferred that he was broke and was kind of whining out loud that he couldn’t pay the oil bill, kind of hoping she would offer him some money. Yet Jay just bought a new townhouse, treats her to lavish dinners, buys $200 sweaters on a whim and bought him and his 2 young kids sleep number beds that he financed with a 10k price tag. She is afraid to ask him how much debt he has. I think he is cash poor as oil companies want cash or check and all these other things can be put on credit cards. Dee never uses credit, only buys things she can afford to buy and pretty much lives frugally, and is not comfortable with his line of spending, even though he has a 6 figure job and can be able to afford this. He also has a huge child support bill to pay and Dee thinks his new financial reality has not set in yet. She wanted to post something online to get other’s opinions but was too chicken, so here I am. She doesn’t want to invest emotionally in Jay and be let down again. Any thoughts are appreciated.
d0nnivain Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Clearly if she's an all cash only buy what you can afford type of person & he's out charging up a storm, they are not financially compatible. For that reason alone she needs to guard her heart. From what you posted it seems like Jay may still be hung up on his EX. Was she thin before they married? If so he may be feeling like he got his wife back but is confused as to why she left. He could also be somebody who just wants to preserve the relationship between the kids & both parents. As for the EX having a key, it sounds bad but could have some practical applications. I'm envisioning something like the sit-com relationship on Reba. I'm not seeing anything that screams Leave Now but caution is definitely called for.
mortensorchid Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 I don't care what one's background or situation may or may not be, if someone cannot get over someone else from the past (as in won't be open to seeing others in the slightest) LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I don't care what the reasons or circumstances are, they can sit and rot in their misery and not drag you and others with them. There is no other explanation for it other than they want to be miserable and make you feel just as bad as they do.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 25, 2014 Posted January 25, 2014 Common advice on this forum is not to bother having a relationship with anybody whose divorce is less than two years old. I think it's sound advice.
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