2 and a Half years for naught?

[Redhawkk]

This happened all about five days ago, the big "thing". Let me explain my story: My Girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and seven months to be exact, both our first longish-term relationship. I met her when she was 16 and I was 17--she's 19 now and I'm 20. As of late 2013 (around mid November), my girlfriend became more distant; ignoring my calls and texts. I confronted her about it at the time and she admitted to ignoring me because she felt we didn't appreciate each other anymore. I told her this was crazy because I still loved her as much as the day I met her. She then told me school was stressing her out (it was near the end of semester so I can understand that, with exams and all). However, come the holiday season (around the second week of December), I seemed to have to go out of my way to make plans with her and she still acted the same way. But when I did see her, we were happy, cuddling, playing around with each other and even intimacy. One of her friend's is recently single(a girl) and has been constantly bringing my girlfriend out to bars and clubs, in fact almost every weekend until January. She didn't even spend New Year's with me, and never called to wish me a Happy New Year. Moreover, when she would go out, and we would have plans for the next day, she would blow me off last minute, texting me at 4 in the afternoon telling me she went home or is still at her friends. I don't have Facebook, which I'm happy about because it lowers temptation to see what she's been up too. School started on the 20th of January and this is when things got worse;

 

I usually wait for her to finish class and I meet her at the dorms of our school and spend a little time with her before I go home, this was to spend time with her and I got to miss traffic. When I saw her on Monday, she seemed quiet. I knew something was wrong and I asked to go for a walk. While we were walking, she would walk ahead of me and not say anything (Bad body language, I know). I asked her a few times what was bothering her and she would say the usual "nothing"--but we both knew it was there. "I didn't cheat on you, if that's what you think," she had said, and I jokingly asked if she had kissed another boy, and she also said "No," Finally, she stopped in her tracks and started crying stating "I don't know if I can do this anymore". I asked "why?" She told me we weren't the same, that I never want to do anything with her anymore. I couldn't believe it, and I told her that I always want to do different things with her but that she never gives me the chance to. I told her we can work things out and find a plan to spend quality time together and go do things (I suggested things like going to a bar, club, dancing, things we don't usually do). We walked to my car and grabbed some MacDonald's and ate it by the water, and we just talked about random stuff, as if all of a sudden we were on a date. I shut off the car and we stargazed in the heat (It's winter, remember). I then drove her back to her dorm and she walked me to the elevator, hugged me and said she wasn't gonna give up on us and told me she loved me.

 

Here's the kicker; the following day, Tuesday. I received a text message at 1 pm from her saying stuff like : "I need time to think about us, and I need to focus on school, I don't think we should see each other for two weeks," she also said that she would not be answering her phone. I was hurt, of course. I texted back and asked if we were still together and she said "Yes, but either way we're going to have to talk,". I said alright and she again told me she still loved me. It's now Saturday and I have refrained from any contact. I'm going out with friends and focusing on school. I've decided to respect her wish and I've also agreed that if she doesn't get back to me in two Sunday's from now, I'll end it myself. I just want the truth from her; I believe all her time with her single friend has made her see other options available. Maybe she does want to focus on studies and doesn't want to be in a serious relationship just now. I'm taking it one day at a time. I just want to know if what I'm doing is OK, to apply No contact until she contacts me, or if not, to do it myself two weeks from now. I don't believe she fell for someone in the span of a weekend (I saw her the Friday before the 20th and we went to a cafe and laughed and she even told me she wanted to marry me, as a joke of course). Although I won't deny that she may be interested in dating other guys.

Edited January 25, 2014 by Redhawkk
Typos!

[TaraMaiden]

Honey, forget the 2 weeks. This is over already.

There's no such thing as 'a break'.

 

A break is merely a coward's way of telling you it's over without having to face the immediate drama.

 

 

Apply NC by all means, but understand this: It's over, period, and the NC is for good.

 

I hate to bring the downer, but sadly, others will confirm I'm right....

[Redhawkk]

Tara, I have to agree with you. But it bothers me that she hasn't officially "Broken Up" with me, I've to learnt that she will BE breaking up with me. I just wish I didn't have to wait two weeks for her just to tell me it's over. I read your post on NC and I loved it. It has only been 5 days since she texted me and I find myself falling asleep easily enough, but I wake up wishing she was beside me. I guess you can say I'm in a small state of denial, I know she will break up with me, but I just want to say that we can fix things. But after over a month of tension (yet we never fought), I know we've already had our chance to fix things. She seems reluctant to even want to give it a chance, so why bother pushing for it. I've packed up all the stuff to give back to her, so my questions now are; Do I just contact her and tell her I want to give it back? or do I wait for her to break up with me two weeks from now and then we can work out times to exchange our stuff? I don't know what to do, I know either way I have to face her sometime.

[TaraMaiden]

Just advise her that

 

"I have packed your stuff up already, so please arrange a time to come and get it."

 

(don't do her running-around for her. This is HER idea, not yours.)

 

"There's no point in waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think 'breaks' are a non-starter, and as far as I'm concerned, it's either on or off, there are no in-betweens.

It's been good. But now I am going No Contact, so please do not bother to get in touch with me again, UNLESS it's specifically to say that you and I are still very much an item."

 

And that's all you have to say.

Short, sharp, to the point and no melodrama.

 

You see, if she really wanted to make this work she would work through it WITH you.

But she wants to back off, have space, think things through on her own....

 

If this was a one-person situation, I'd get that.

 

But this involves a relationship, a partnership, and it's at times like these that communication is essential.

 

She's obviously denying you that, but deciding that you can wait for her to make a unanimous decision.

 

Well - beat her to it.

[conmorse]

This is so identical to my story it's eerie. My ex girlfriend and I started dating when she was 17, and I was 18. We dated for 2 years and she broke up with me after she turned 19. She too started acting distant during the last month of our relationship, but I was too blind to see it. Then out of nowhere she said she didn't feel the same way anymore and that she needed to work on herself. After the break up she went all out with the partying, drinking and clubbing and doing all these things that were out of her nature. I remember asking her when she and I would talk when she was leaving my house that night of the break up, she said, "just give me a couple of days", it's been 2.5 months since the break up. From what I've heard she's rebounded with 2 other guys already. So I feel your pain of being blindsided.

[flightplan]

I don't want minimize the pain you're experiencing right now but humor someone who has been there done that and quite a bit older than you are. This is the first of many loves you're going to experience. Relationships at 19,20 are extremely rare for the long haul. BUs don't get any easier as the years go by but you do learn to bounce back a tad quicker and take something away from the relationship that taught you something you didn't know about yourself.

 

Tara is right, this one is over. The best you can do is exit gracefully, go full NC and learn from the experience. The pain you're experiencing now is something to learn from. In a weird way it's a gift. I know it probably doesn't seem like it right now, but trust me, with time, you'll look back on this period of your life and smile about.

[Redhawkk]

I still feel as though I should giver her the time she's asked for. Is that OK? but I would initiate a contact if she fails to reach me in the 2 weeks she asked for. If after two weeks she doesn't say anything, could I just tell her this;

 

"Look, I've given you the time you asked for and you haven't said anything. I've got your things packed. Call me when you can so we can work out a time and day."

 

Of course, I would maybe wait another couple of days just in case. But I know I don't want to wait just for her to tell me it's over.

[TaraMaiden]

I still feel as though I should giver her the time she's asked for. Is that OK? but I would initiate a contact if she fails to reach me in the 2 weeks she asked for. If after two weeks she doesn't say anything, could I just tell her this;

 

"Look, I've given you the time you asked for and you haven't said anything. I've got your things packed. Call me when you can so we can work out a time and day."

 

Of course, I would maybe wait another couple of days just in case. But I know I don't want to wait just for her to tell me it's over.

 

Look, it's your life; if you prefer to live on tenterhooks while she probably doesn't actually think about it at all, go ahead.

But by doing this - you relinquish control of your own commitment, to someone else.

In other words, you're putting her first - but you get no thanks for it, because she expects you to comply.

She's counting on it.

 

As has been said: There is no such thing as 'a break'.

All you're doing is giving her breathing space and delaying the inevitable.

Taking the initiative, and taking control of you, at least lets her know, for sure, for sure, where you stand.

 

That's a greater courtesy than she's giving you.

[Redhawkk]

You're right. I've told my parents and even friends who have gone through this and it's always reassuring to know others have been through what I am currently going through

the sense of loneliness goes down. And I know we are both young, and it's rare for these things to go forever. Tara is right. Strangely though, I feel I should respect the wishes and wait the 2 weeks before saying goodbye for good.

[TaraMaiden]

Strangely though, I feel I should respect the wishes and wait the 2 weeks before saying goodbye for good.

 

........Why?

[Redhawkk]

Tara, I don't know. I still love her I'm gonna say some crazy things. But I've thought about it, re-reading the posts. I should tell her where I stand. Tell her I know it's over and that I'm moving on.

[flightplan]

This is your life, but if I were in your shoes... I want cut the cord right now. This one is over. I would take it like a man and break up on your terms... not hers. I wouldn't leave any ambiguity. Tell her how it's going to be and break up with her before she has the opportunity to do it on her terms. I can almost guarantee, she wouldn't see it coming and she'll respect you for it (if that matters). Take control of the circumstances, turn the tables and let her know you're going to take a walk and work on other priorities in your life.

[Redhawkk]

SO! Last night I left a voicemail on my girlfriend's phone. She texted me today saying she hadn't had her phone on her for the last few days and asked why I wanted her to call me. I replied saying I wanted to talk if she had the time. She said she didn't want to talk today but if tomorrow was ok instead? I said what time and she said at 3'oclock or anything after that. I said alright and that I'd talk to her then. Should I wait to see if she calls me tomorrow?, I've decided already that if she doesn't call me tomorrow, then on thursday I'll just send her a quick message that I've got her things packed and when I can bring them. I was having a great day up until then, now I can't stop thinking about it.

[TaraMaiden]

Big, big mistake.

 

All you need to do now, is send her a text, saying:

"I just wanted to tell you that I have all your stuff packed up for you to pick up.

I wanted to say it in person, but as you had no time, it has to be by text.

let me know when you want to come by and pick it up.

I will leave it outside the door for you as I will arrange to not be here when you come.

 

Thanks."

 

Which is actually what you should have done in the first place.

 

Jeesh, you really are a sucker for punishment, hun.....!

[Redhawkk]

She's my first relationship, I got scared Tara. But believe me, I'm learning from this. It's harsh, I know, I'm a sucker, but I'm scared...

[pickflicker]

Yeah, some good lessons have been learned here from the OP. Firstly, enevr, ever accept a 'break' from someone. A break, is a break up. You cannot pause a relationship. In, or out.

 

Secondly, yes, get her to pick the stuff up ASAP.