sickofitall Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Hello everyone. I've lurked here for a long time but only posted a time or two. I'm probably going to be breaking up with my BF of almost 4 years soon. It makes me very sad and that sadness is what's holding me back from actually doing what I know needs to be done. He has some habits that I can no longer live with. He can seem so loving and loyal but he lies a lot and I never know for sure if he really is committed to me or not and the mistrust is slowly making me crazy. I love him and I know he loves me in his way, but I want someone who will love me without always looking over their shoulder for something else. If anyone has it in them to give me a pep talk to keep my courage going, have at it ... I've really tried everything with him but our issues always boil down to the same problem, he really can't be trusted. He lies a lot and although he says he'd never cheat on me he cruises online personals and saves pics of the women he likes. Why even go there if you're not planning to cheat? Is there some secret reason that makes it okay, that I just don't know about yet, because to me it screams cheater. I dunno, not wanting or expecting anyone to get into that subject really, just someone please tell me what it's like to break out of this prison? How do I do it when just getting the words out choke me but staying and watching him doing whatever he wants with no regard for my feelings on the subject is smothering me ... choke or smother, which one is worse? LOL God, I hope I can do this. I really do have a pretty good head on my shoulders usually, but this guy ... I guess I'm addicted to him, and he's not good for me. Thank you.
angelstar Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 First of all what is LOL??? ummmm Look you've already told us what you want to do. So you basically need to do it. Unfortunately there is no good timing with this sort of thing. Just do it! The aftermath - well lets just say its emotionally draining. But the thing is you will get on with your life and time out is the key to healing. AND please read the article on NO CONTACT on this site. This is very important after breakup. When two people fall out of love it's pretty dam aweful. But we do get over it in time. Try to recall every other ex you've had. Doesnt hurt anymore does it. You said he isnt good for you! You know what to do. My heart is with you and make sure you stay with us on this site for moral support. We're always here from you Goodluck
_Saffy_ Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 First of all what is LOL??? ummmm ok angel.....LOL is laugh out loud/laughing out loud. he says he'd never cheat on me he cruises online personals and saves pics of the women he likes. this is already a form of cheating, he may not be doing it physically but he is doing it mentally......plus he is abusing you by doing this. you know that you have to move on from this, you would not feel like you are trapped if you were really meant to be with this person, you need to be your own person and he is holding you back. a guy that really loved you would not do this. nor would he be saving pictures of other women, or lying to you, after four years you should be in no doubt as to whether he is committed to you. if you are not happy then get out, dont compromise, it wont work!! and you are worth more!!
angelstar Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 thankyou - it all seems so much clearer now! (LOL) And as saffy and I both agree. Time to put him last and you first! Move on
Dakini Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 sickofitall: I've been there recently, myself, so I understand exactly what you are going through. My ex. of 8 years would lie to me all the time, although our issues were not related to infidelity. Making the decision to break up with him was the second hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It took me at LEAST a year to actually come around to doing it. I agonized - for months and months - weighing different factors and analyzing my future - one with him, and one without him. Ultimately, I knew that, no matter how much I loved him, and he claimed to love me, someone who lies constantly doesn't really love you at all - only themselves - and that this situation would lead me down an unhappy future path. The only solace I can provide is that the actual "breaking up" talk was much much easier that I thought it would be. The months and years of agonizing were much more difficult than just getting it out. You will find that you can take only so much sh*te, and then standing up for yourself becomes easy. Good Luck. Remember, this is YOUR life.
sickofitall Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks for the replies. I know it's going to be hard because he always says the right things and he's affectionate with me, but then he has this secret side or something. Anytime we've come close to breaking up he cries and promises to change but he never does for long. Also when I've caught him in lies in the past and confronted him, he never admits anything so it's like talking to a wall. I'm pretty sure he hasn't actually cheated on me, at least not with this latest stuff but maybe when we first started going out and weren't living together - there was a night he hung up with me because he said his best friend was on the other line and needed help then concocted a big story about taking the friend out to console him about his GF cheating on him, but I found out later from the best friend by accident that never happened so I don't know who he was out with just that he came home ****faced and passed out on his sister's bathroom floor. Since this isn't just a one time thing though (the personal ads) I feel it's only a matter of time until he does cheat and I really feel like I'd rather not waste any more time with him and get in even deeper and then someday he does it. Even aside from all that the constant lies about so many little things (he exaggerates everything and downright lies about stupid things all the time) is draining me. Ick!! Okay, enough whining for now ... thanks for listening. I hope I'm on the right path, I think I am though. I've never done anything to make him not trust me but now that I think back he's done a whole lot that makes me not trust him and I just want someone I can trust for a change. Actually, I don't want anyone for a while but when I am ready to date again I hope I find someone more trustworthy.
Lunar_Moth Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 You should stay with him,be a decent woman think you could be ruining this persons life.
_Saffy_ Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Originally posted by Lunar_Moth You should stay with him,be a decent woman think you could be ruining this persons life. stay with him and what? wait til he cheats for real?? carry on listening to the lies? be treated like crap until HE chooses to do the dumping? this guy is already ruining the life of his girlfriend by treating her like crap, if he wants to go ogle personal ads looking for something better then let him go do it with a clear conscience.
Pocky Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 If you stay in a relationship that causes you to be unhappy, you're ultimately causing both parties to suffer. Eventually your unhappiness will turn into resentment and anger and you will begin to express these feels verbally. Regardless of the reasons as to why you're ending the relationship, neither of you should be forced to experience that can be so emotionally training and hurt you more in the end than just ending the relationship would. By staying in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs, you are sacrificing his happiness and your happiness. You will just prolong the agony that both of you will feel when the relationship ends. Denying that there is a problem and ignoring the truth will only cause more problems. Be honest with him. That is all anyone could ask of you.
sickofitall Posted January 13, 2005 Posted January 13, 2005 Thanks saffy, after reading that other response I felt tears coming up but then I made myself think of how he is ruining me and the woman I once was with all this crap and it just made me angry. I'm the one sitting here with my stomach grinding, haven't been eating well, forget about sleeping, doesn't happen for more than an hour or two at a time ... and I should worry about ruining HIS life? I don't think so, pi** on that.
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