Snipercatt Posted January 26, 2014 Posted January 26, 2014 [ I would like to hear some opinions on why he would lie and deny the affair (saying I made it all up). Why would someone do that (if it is what he's done)? Wouldn't it just mean there is no hope of them recovering if she ever does doubt his word or finds irrefutable proof of the affair? /QUOTE] You are hypothesizing. You can't move forward looking backwards. 1
Author Tarnished Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 (edited) Hindsight really is 20/20 and I wished I'd listened to everything I read from the start that said that affairs always end badly. Live and learn... Edited January 29, 2014 by Tarnished
blue963 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Yes they seem to be difficult if they go well or dont go well. There are alot of problems and variables in the mix 3
SugarHibiscus Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 What happened? Did you find out if he painted you as a "bunny boiler" to his wife? Have you talked to him? 1
chelsea2011 Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 You are only tarnished as much as you let yourself feel you will be. Time marches on as does healing. 1
Author Tarnished Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 What happened? Did you find out if he painted you as a "bunny boiler" to his wife? Have you talked to him? I put the scenario to him and he refused to answer, which tells me that yes, it's what he said to her to cover his ar$e. I told him that she's a fool to believe that someone would actually do that (that is to confess an imaginary affair to their husband - including sex) just to get back at someone who denied them an affair. I also said that he's foolish to have done this. I told him that I have actual proof that we had the affair but not to worry, that I won't share it with her because she's obviously chosen to believe what he says - fool her I say. Even if I did share it with her, he'd probably find some other way to spin it. I now really dislike this man - he is so much less than I ever thought he was. My husband thinks I should share the proof with her but what's to be gained...
herself Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Hope the anger can push you to move forward now. Its imperative there be no more contact so you can heal. 1
HermioneG Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 Your spouse should share the information with the wife, without warning the married man. She can make her decisions from there. He is likely gaslighting her- and she wants to believe him. Psychologically, there's a truth bias. Those we love the most, we trust the most, so the fact that she is believing him right now is a function of that. Your spouse can help her know the truth of her life. I am sorry you are in pain. These situations are terrible. I hope you find peace. 7
Radu Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 I put the scenario to him and he refused to answer, which tells me that yes, it's what he said to her to cover his ar$e. I told him that she's a fool to believe that someone would actually do that (that is to confess an imaginary affair to their husband - including sex) just to get back at someone who denied them an affair. I also said that he's foolish to have done this. I told him that I have actual proof that we had the affair but not to worry, that I won't share it with her because she's obviously chosen to believe what he says - fool her I say. Even if I did share it with her, he'd probably find some other way to spin it. I now really dislike this man - he is so much less than I ever thought he was. My husband thinks I should share the proof with her but what's to be gained... Something really important and precious ... but you have to figure it out on your own for it to really be an epiphany. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted January 29, 2014 Posted January 29, 2014 So, um, how is your husband? Any news on that front? 2
Author Tarnished Posted January 29, 2014 Author Posted January 29, 2014 So, um, how is your husband? Any news on that front? My husband is doing pretty well. He too wants her to know the truth - he doesn't think it's right that she doesn't. I'm not sure if he'll contact her again - that's his decision. He and I are working through our issues and we're both optimistic for our future together. There will be no contact with AP, other than what is absolutely necessary for work, and even that can be limited to almost nothing. 1
GreySkyMorning Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 I put the scenario to him and he refused to answer, which tells me that yes, it's what he said to her to cover his ar$e. I told him that she's a fool to believe that someone would actually do that (that is to confess an imaginary affair to their husband - including sex) just to get back at someone who denied them an affair. I also said that he's foolish to have done this. I told him that I have actual proof that we had the affair but not to worry, that I won't share it with her because she's obviously chosen to believe what he says - fool her I say. Even if I did share it with her, he'd probably find some other way to spin it. I now really dislike this man - he is so much less than I ever thought he was. My husband thinks I should share the proof with her but what's to be gained... Why does your husband feel that you should share it with her? Are you still protecting the OM regardless of how your husband feels? Whose wishes are you following and whose feelings are you taking into consideration? Yours? The OM? Or your husband? Who are you putting first? I guess I'm wondering if the thing to be gained is the opportunity to show your husband that you aren't willing to protect the OM anymore.
Radu Posted January 30, 2014 Posted January 30, 2014 What she can gain is a little bit of trust from her husband by sacrificing her former AP in whatever way he feels is ok [as you pointed out]. It's about choosing her husband over her AP, and offering more proof of that. She started very well, but she keeps forgetting that she won't get over this guy in a night. 2
Author Tarnished Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 What she can gain is a little bit of trust from her husband by sacrificing her former AP in whatever way he feels is ok [as you pointed out]. It's about choosing her husband over her AP, and offering more proof of that. She started very well, but she keeps forgetting that she won't get over this guy in a night. Hubby called her yesterday and she was willing to listen to him. She did ask him how "he knew / could be certain" and he gave her some specifics and said that I had absolutely no reason to make this up. She asked a few questions and she thanked him for telling her. I'll never know what will happen in their marriage from here on, and I'll be ok with that. I think she finally believes that this happened so hopefully she will deal with it. I'm going to let it all go now, chalk it up to a bad experience / bad decision and focus on my marriage. 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Hubby called her yesterday and she was willing to listen to him. She did ask him how "he knew / could be certain" and he gave her some specifics and said that I had absolutely no reason to make this up. She asked a few questions and she thanked him for telling her. I'll never know what will happen in their marriage from here on, and I'll be ok with that. I think she finally believes that this happened so hopefully she will deal with it. I'm going to let it all go now, chalk it up to a bad experience / bad decision and focus on my marriage. I'm afraid that you'll need to do much more than 'chalking it up' to recover your marriage. Forgive me, but since you're the WW, it's easy to think that things are normal and the marriage has recovered-until the betrayed spouse has his/her own affair or decides to leave. Reconciliation takes 2-5 years and is hard work. I'm sorry if I sound a but harsh but you need to face the fact that you don't have a marriage at this point and are trying to recreate one after the fallout from your actions. 1
Author Tarnished Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I found out today that it seems he is still denying it to his wife, although she is starting to ask him questions based on what my partner told her. Why do some BS continue to believe their partners lies rather than the truth that someone else is trying to tell them? Is it likely she'll ever contact me eventually to ask questions? Is she just trying to get it all straight in her head. It doesn't change anything for my marriage whether she believes me or him, but I just don't understand it... For example, if someone was telling me something like this had happened between my partner and an OW (discloser being my H and he had no reason to make it up), why wouldn't she believe it? Is this common?
jwi71 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I found out today that it seems he is still denying it to his wife, although she is starting to ask him questions based on what my partner told her. So? Why care what they do/say/believe? Why do some BS continue to believe their partners lies rather than the truth that someone else is trying to tell them? Gaslighting. Or maybe even something much more simple...she loves, believes and trusts him. And he spins a plausible lie of...this. Add the two and some considerable doubt can exist in the BS' mind as to what is truly real...and what is not. This is very much what "we" counsel a BS who is intent on confronting a WS...have definitive, undeniable proof. That there is no way that the situation is anything OTHER than an A. Because the first instinct, I would wager 99% of the time, is to lie and deny. As you witness now. You want her to believe..then PROVE it beyond a reasonable doubt. As to what she believes...well, that is for her. And her path well doubtless be a confusing, fearful morass of emotional pain - perhaps even abuse - as she feels blindly her path forward. You cannot help her. Nor him. You can only help yourself. Your own BS. Focus there. Is it likely she'll ever contact me eventually to ask questions? Is she just trying to get it all straight in her head. She may very well. She may not. If the worry/fear of that day becomes so overwhelming that it retards your own recovery - your M's recovery - then seek her out. Otherwise, forget about her as best one can. It doesn't change anything for my marriage whether she believes me or him, but I just don't understand it... Nor do I understand what it is to be a mother (I am male). It is impossible for me to do so. As it is impossible for you to understand her. You simply cannot until you walk that path she does. And even should you, and let us pray not, then your reaction may be as mysterious to others as hers are to you. We all handle trauma in our way... For example, if someone was telling me something like this had happened between my partner and an OW (discloser being my H and he had no reason to make it up), why wouldn't she believe it? If some strange man contacted you, said his W was having an A with your H...would you believe him? And what if your H said...nuts to that...its all BS. Then what? Is this common? Yes. Happens all the time...simply read the lies and deceit here on the OW/OM forum as experienced by AP. OR venture over to infidelity and read there of the lies and deceit they too endured. Read how everyone tries to find the "truth"...when one party so desperately hides it in a cloak of many shifting colors. The best you can do...is focus on you and your H. What tomorrow brings is what tomorrow brings...you have no say over it. Less on them...more on you. 1
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I found out today that it seems he is still denying it to his wife, although she is starting to ask him questions based on what my partner told her. Why do some BS continue to believe their partners lies rather than the truth that someone else is trying to tell them? Is this common? It's not uncommon. Especially when the cheater has a lot of lead time in order to plant the seeds that crazy people accusing him of cheating soon will be calling. He knows enough about you and your husband to mix in some truth with the lies and make her think he's being honest and you both are crazy. She can believe him, or she can believe you. In that case - of receiving conflicting information from two sources - a lot of people will "believe what they want to believe." It's called "confirmation bias" - the tendency of people to favor information that confirms their beliefs or hypotheses. The effect is stronger for emotionally charged issues and for deeply entrenched beliefs. People also tend to interpret ambiguous evidence as supporting their existing position. So-called "wishful thinking" also may have something to do with it. Also "denial." Physical proof, like copies of emails, recordings of phone conversations, are harder to deny.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I found out today that it seems he is still denying it to his wife, although she is starting to ask him questions based on what my partner told her. Why do some BS continue to believe their partners lies rather than the truth that someone else is trying to tell them? Is it likely she'll ever contact me eventually to ask questions? Is she just trying to get it all straight in her head. It doesn't change anything for my marriage whether she believes me or him, but I just don't understand it... For example, if someone was telling me something like this had happened between my partner and an OW (discloser being my H and he had no reason to make it up), why wouldn't she believe it? Is this common? It's like you and your husband want his marriage to suffer a massive blow, just as yours did. I can see your husband wanting to drag this out for revenge on the man, and your pride seems to be at stake here. You're more offended that this woman thinks you're a bunny boiler than the truth - that you're an adulterer who cheated with her husband. Leave her in peace if that's what she wants. Haven't you done enough to her? Why constantly stir the pot? 3
Author Tarnished Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 It's like you and your husband want his marriage to suffer a massive blow, just as yours did. I can see your husband wanting to drag this out for revenge on the man, and your pride seems to be at stake here. You're more offended that this woman thinks you're a bunny boiler than the truth - that you're an adulterer who cheated with her husband. Leave her in peace if that's what she wants. Haven't you done enough to her? Why constantly stir the pot? Hasn't his marriage already suffered a massive blow - the fact that he had an affair in the first place. The fact that he continues to deny it is just even more disrespectful to her. Perhaps I'll go to her myself and tell her what she won't believe…
janedoe67 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Why don't you save your energy for making amends to YOUR spouse for what YOU did? 3
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 You cannot force yourself on her, that's wrong. If she calls and asks questions, then answer her honestly. Her husband is a skilled liar and a manipulator. She loves and trusts him and right now can't deal with the truth. Maybe and hopefully one day she'll see her husband for who he is. Then again, she may be like your husband, love her spouse enough to forgive him, just like your H has forgiven you and wants to give you a chance. You also don't know her frame of mind, her health or what her life is like really. Please just focus on your own husband and fixing your own marriage. Let them be.
anne1707 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Hasn't his marriage already suffered a massive blow - the fact that he had an affair in the first place. The fact that he continues to deny it is just even more disrespectful to her. Perhaps I'll go to her myself and tell her what she won't believe… This is all about revenge, isn't it. This is so unhealthy for you and your marriage. You are also completely ignoring the fact that you are still lying to your husband by trying to have lunch with the MOM. That is incredibly disrespectful. You need to start looking at your own actions and motivations before you start criticising others and casting judgement. 5
waterwoman Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Think about it logically for a bit Tarnished. Why would she beleive some one she doesn't know well telling her something she finds unthinkable, over someone she know really well and trusts (ha!) denying the unthinkable? It may take some time, she will put two and two together and maybe she will begin to see the truth. But even if she does it might not change anything - she may choose to reconcile or she may choose to rugsweep. The ball is now in her court for the first time and you cannot control the outcome.
Author Tarnished Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 I have told my husband the whole story of how last week I suggested lunch and he agreed, but how we spoke on the phone instead. He was a bit disappointed that I didn't tell him last week but is ok about it. I told him what was said in the conversation and he is also mighty pi$$ed that he is still lying to her and suggested I contact her myself, before I ever said it to him. To be honest I don't think I will - she'll figure it out one day if she keeps asking questions and he's just not worthy of any more time. I just wish I didn't have to work with him at all. I could easily forget him if he wasn't in my face everyday!
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